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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn't get me anything I wanted for Christmas-aibu to be a bit annoyed?

86 replies

sinkorahink · 20/12/2023 15:45

Well not annoyed but I bit meh
Anyway me and good friend decided this year instead of buying each other random stuff we might not like -to buy each other things that we wanted.
We set a £50 budget
She sent over the things she wanted (a purse ,hat and glove set)
I sent her the two things I wanted (also a purse and some ear rings )
I bought her the exact things she wanted
We met today and did the gift opening
Before I opened mine she said -
"I didn't get you the things you asked for,I found these and thought you would like them"

It was a jewellery organiser and a stationary set.

Aibu to be a bit meh about it?

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 20/12/2023 15:46

It’s very transactional. Why bother? Just buy what you want?

PictureOfAPig · 20/12/2023 15:48

What is the point of this? It's not the value that counts as it's basically a straight swap. It's not the thought that counts as you're telling each other what to buy. Save yourself some time and agree not to do presents at all next year.

TheFlis · 20/12/2023 15:49

YANBU, she didn’t stick to the agreement you made.

AIstolemylunch · 20/12/2023 15:50

I think adults buying other adults Christmas presents is ludicrous, and even more so if theyre not family. But I appreciate that could be an extreme position.

TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 15:52

Why don’t you just do £50 vouchers for each other in future.

ManateeFair · 20/12/2023 15:52

I suspect she just had a different understanding of the arrangement, and thought your ideas were suggestions rather than an order.

If you both knew precisely the items that you wanted for £50, why did you bother exchanging gifts at all? You could each have just bought the items you wanted, for yourselves, and not bothered with all this hoo-ha!

If you struggle to choose good presents for one another without being told exactly what to buy, I would suggest that next year you just agree to skip presents altogether and spend the money on a night out or a lovely lunch somewhere or some kind of activity you'd both enjoy doing together.

Sk8erboi · 20/12/2023 15:53

YANBU but I agree with the others that this is just a transaction rather than thoughtful gift giving.
I wouldn't participate next year with this and just buy myself what I wanted instead.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/12/2023 15:53

The whole thing is a bit odd tbh, I suppose technically YANBU if you set agreed terms for the presents.

DPotter · 20/12/2023 15:56

Next year ditch the gifts and agree to do something together, eg theatre, out for a meal, craft workshop, cream tea at the Savoy, parachute jump.....

Memyselfandtheothers · 20/12/2023 15:57

this was meant as a reply to a previous poster who said adults buying adults gifts was ludicrous

So people without children and without blood relatives to buy or receive from should have nothing at Christmas? My friends ARE my family. I buy for them because I want to show them how much they mean to me at this time. Some of my friends don’t have their own children or any children to give to but want to give gifts.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2023 15:57

Agree that stuff like this illustrates how pointless exchanging Christmas gifts between adults. There's always someone who loses out. Why bother when you're basically just sending links and doing each other's shopping.

Seeing as it's not Christmas yet and she's not gone with the agreement, can she return them? Or are they from shops that might let you return them yourself without the receipt?

Why not instead buy each other a very token present - wine, chocolate etc, of a type that you know you like and a small budget. Then spend the rest of the £50 on lunch/cocktails/afternoon tea out together instead.

Thatswhy11 · 20/12/2023 16:01

I think there's no point of this if you are going to choose your own presents. I would put a stop to it and arrange an Xmas lunch or a nice coffee and cake over a chat. It's about enjoyment... you are not children OP.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2023 16:08

Memyselfandtheothers · 20/12/2023 15:57

this was meant as a reply to a previous poster who said adults buying adults gifts was ludicrous

So people without children and without blood relatives to buy or receive from should have nothing at Christmas? My friends ARE my family. I buy for them because I want to show them how much they mean to me at this time. Some of my friends don’t have their own children or any children to give to but want to give gifts.

Edited

But many people don't want gifts if it means having to provide lists, or face receiving something they don't want and then having to use, look at store or wear something that isn't to their taste. Plus of course they'll feel obliged to return the favour.

You might think you're 'showing someone how much they mean to you' but a lot of people would really rather not bother and are saddened by the waste of time, money and resources this pointless gift exchange brings.

Spend time with each other, share food, drink and activities. But please can we get away from exchanging crap that no-one wants, because if they did want it, they'd have already bought it.

wronginalltherightways · 20/12/2023 16:10

yanbu

I mean the whole point was picking out something that you wanted/needed for each other. She clearly let you down and didn't want to spend the £50 that you agreed to spend, either.

Bobbotgegrinch · 20/12/2023 16:24

If you wanted the exact things you picked, then why bother with the whole palaver. It's just buying yourself something with extra steps.

Surely the suggestions were just suggestions. If it becomes a hard "You will buy me this", then it stops really being a gift.

Annasoror · 20/12/2023 16:24

I buy adult friends and family presents. I don't spend a huge amount, but I want them to have the pleasure of opening something on Christmas day and to know that they are remembered and that I love them. I have received some lovely presents as an adult that I wouldn't have bought for myself - books I haven't heard of, but like; a gorgeous literary calendar from Slightly Foxed, a literary company with a magazine I didn't know about, so a whole new world opening up there; some nice chocolates etc etc. Why on earth should there be a collective agreement that we don't buy for other adults?

AuntMarch · 20/12/2023 16:25

YANBU but I also dont see the point. Spend it on food and wine and enjoy each others company instead.

Hatty65 · 20/12/2023 16:27

I'd be annoyed. My DM does this. Asks me what I would like to Christmas, and then buys me shit I don't want or need. Just don't bother.

I think if you traditionally exchange presents and have agreed to tell each other what you'd like, then you do that. I don't want someone to spend money on something that I'll re-gift to charity. And I don't get many presents. It's disappointing to open a present you were expecting to be something you were looking forward to and find yet more random shit.

SmileyClare · 20/12/2023 16:31

Oh dear.
It sounds a bit like she’s regifted some presents she didn’t want to you.

Why would she think you wanted a stationary set? 😂 Are you really into stationary or do you send lots of handwritten letters?

Cancel the present exchange next year.

She may have other strengths as a friend but your presents were shit.

catsnhats11 · 20/12/2023 16:33

So she banked your £50 gift and got you something cheaper (or regifted I'd bet!) since it wasn't something you'd mentioned wanting.

YANBU to be upset, but I agree it sounds a bit transactional, buy yourself the nice things you really want and agree a token gift or nice experience next time.

15PiecesOfFlair · 20/12/2023 16:37

I sometimes think I'm a different species when I read stuff like this. Not adults buying presents, but instructing each other what to buy for them for the same value. I don't understand it at all.

Let your present be 'permission' to buy yourselves the thing you want! Or if you want to do something together put the money towards a meal, experience etc!

books I haven't heard of, but like

You wouldn't have done what op has done, then, and asked for a specific thing and been upset not to get it, so it's not the same!

plantpotsandbugs · 20/12/2023 16:39

PictureOfAPig · 20/12/2023 15:48

What is the point of this? It's not the value that counts as it's basically a straight swap. It's not the thought that counts as you're telling each other what to buy. Save yourself some time and agree not to do presents at all next year.

Agree with this.

But also, I suspect she is regifting you stuff she didn't want. Otherwise, why not just get you what you'd asked for?

SmileyClare · 20/12/2023 16:40

The suggestions were just suggestions

Theyd agreed to buy something for each other that they both wanted. I see nothing wrong with this- or setting a budget.

Fair enough not to get the exact purse or earrings listed but a set of flowery envelopes and a matching pen? Piss take.

She knew she’d had you over which is why it was necessary to tell you she “didn’t get you what you wanted” before you opened it.

I doubt she spent £50 😕

AlohaRose · 20/12/2023 16:54

Next year buy your own purse and ear-rings, and she can buy her own purse and hat and gloves. Everyone has spent the same, you don't have to bother with wrapping and you give up the pretence that this is anything other than a commercial transaction.

idontlikealdi · 20/12/2023 16:56

My friends all agreed to quit presents when we were swapping gift cards for gift cards for the same value for the same store. Pointless.

We make the time to go out for a meal / drinks whatever instead now. Much better.