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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn't get me anything I wanted for Christmas-aibu to be a bit annoyed?

86 replies

sinkorahink · 20/12/2023 15:45

Well not annoyed but I bit meh
Anyway me and good friend decided this year instead of buying each other random stuff we might not like -to buy each other things that we wanted.
We set a £50 budget
She sent over the things she wanted (a purse ,hat and glove set)
I sent her the two things I wanted (also a purse and some ear rings )
I bought her the exact things she wanted
We met today and did the gift opening
Before I opened mine she said -
"I didn't get you the things you asked for,I found these and thought you would like them"

It was a jewellery organiser and a stationary set.

Aibu to be a bit meh about it?

OP posts:
OhRightyThen · 20/12/2023 17:08

I really don't see the point of asking someone to buy you exactly what you want. Just buy it and spend time with them. It's such a waste of time surely.

Edinburghguy · 20/12/2023 17:16

Yeah, she broke your little Xmas agreement.

Muthaofcats · 20/12/2023 17:24

Yep you’ve been re gifted the crap she didn’t want!

But telling people what to buy you is SO pointless and transactional. I hate when people do this and it makes me feel much less generous than I otherwise might be. If you’re just gonna do that then save the bother and ditch gift giving next year altogether. Spend the money doing something fun together.

it’s so obvious when you’ve been regifted unwanted stuff and feels offensive when you’ve gone to time and/or expensive on the other person. But adult gift giving is the issue here. Pointless.

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 20/12/2023 17:27

I've got a friend like that. he asked me what I'd like, so I said fruit-scented toiletries (I'm happy with stuff from Asda or anywhere). She got me a small vase from Ikea, which isn't even nice.

Goldcrestonabranch · 20/12/2023 17:27

I think adults buying other adults Christmas presents is ludicrous, and even more so if theyre not family. But I appreciate that could be an extreme position.

^ THIS!!

and why bother exchanging gifts if it's just following a shopping list for an agreed amount. Much easier to get the stuff yourself, at least you get exactly what you want.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 20/12/2023 17:31

I honestly think that telling each other what to get is a bit 'transactional' as others have said, but it's also pointless getting stuff you don't want - that said, maybe a friend would/should have an idea of what you might like?
I personally wouldn't bother but understand gift giving is more important to some folk than others.

RobertaFirmino · 20/12/2023 17:35

"I didn't get you the things you asked for,I found these and thought you would like them"

Yes, she 'found' them in the cupboard.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/12/2023 19:05

MrsKwazi · 20/12/2023 15:46

It’s very transactional. Why bother? Just buy what you want?

Because it's nice to be given a gift, even nicer if it's something you want?

Why do people find it so hard to understand that we're not all miserly bastards that don't enjoy gifts from friends and family Hmm

PS lists most likely are 'purse, earrings pref. silver' and then the exact items left to the buyer. Generally not a link to a specific item.

Lilithlogic · 20/12/2023 19:08

Well all that sounds magical and full of love and sentimentality. Maybe easier to cut out the wrapping paper and buy your own gifts next time.

15PiecesOfFlair · 20/12/2023 19:22

Because it's nice to be given a gift, even nicer if it's something you want?

When it's conditional on you buying a specific item of the same value?

See, I don't consider that to be inherently a "nice" thing. But as I said, I feel I'm very different from others in this regard.

SmileyClare · 20/12/2023 20:11

It’s irrelevant whether posters “see the point” in agreeing a budget and asking each other what they want.

Op and her friend decided this is what they’d do.
There’s nothing wrong with buying a gift someone has asked for and wrapping it up beautifully to present to them.
I’d think of my friend every time I used the gift.

Unfortunately your friend didn’t stick to it.

Its disappointing and a bit hurtful.

I mean- a stationary set? Who writes letters these days? Hmm

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 20:15

YANBU but honestly what a pointless exercise. Ditch the gifts next year.

SmileyClare · 20/12/2023 21:05

A lot of present exchanges between adults at Christmas are transactional. So what? It’s fun to give presents and open them even if you could have gone and bought it yourself!

I want to give family and friends something they want.

I think it’s pointless giving a friend something they don’t like or need. They either pretend they like it or there’s an awkward conversation asking for a receipt.

My dh and I agree a budget and tell each other what we want. I thought most couples do?
We haven’t got money to waste guessing what the other wants.
More often than not, it’s misjudged when we’ve tried to surprise each other.

We leave the surprises for the kids.

Mary46 · 20/12/2023 21:07

Stop it going forward. I find people just buy me rubbish too and recycled crap for Jan birthday too lol. I rather buy my own now

OffTheWall90 · 27/12/2023 21:22

Go for a meal together next time and use the money you would have for presents

Geepee71 · 27/12/2023 21:35

I'd ask her for the receipts to change them.

They are going to gather dust and you'll feel resentment everytime you see them.

If she's regifted then she'll need to explain or front it out. Otherwise she gets them back for her birthday.

I'd not be very impressed and would feel really hurt, I'd be looking for sub-text which may or may not be there.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/12/2023 21:40

AIstolemylunch · 20/12/2023 15:50

I think adults buying other adults Christmas presents is ludicrous, and even more so if theyre not family. But I appreciate that could be an extreme position.

Well, if adults, other than family, didn't buy other adults presents I would never get a present! What is so "ludicrous" about it?🙁

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 21:44

No way she's spent any money OP.

Sack off the gift thing next year. Have a night out instead.

Northernladdette · 27/12/2023 22:17

*Stationery set 😂😂

Canisaysomething · 27/12/2023 22:17

You literally sent ideas to each other of specific items you wanted? That isn’t how gifts work. There’s zero thought and sentiment involved in that. You may as well have spent £50 on some groceries and loo roll for each other.

She obviously twigged how transactional your suggestion was and couldn’t bring herself to go through with it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/12/2023 22:32

15PiecesOfFlair · 20/12/2023 19:22

Because it's nice to be given a gift, even nicer if it's something you want?

When it's conditional on you buying a specific item of the same value?

See, I don't consider that to be inherently a "nice" thing. But as I said, I feel I'm very different from others in this regard.

Bully for you for being so altruistic you would never be disappointed with a shit gift given because the person felt obliged and not because they had put genuine thought or love into it. Are you the type that accepts that your husband is just shit at gifts when you get another ironing board cover for Xmas?

I'm brave enough to say that at Christmas, when there is a well-worn expectation of gift exchanges, I would be a bit upset if my best friend gave me something I didn't want and was clearly from her 're-gift' pile, esp when in discussion we'd decided on a £50 limit. Would I say something? No. But I might suggest that next year we don't do gifts at all.

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 22:52

I would scrap the presents next year and maybe agree to treat yourselves to an afternoon of cocktails or a nice meal instead. As others have pointed out, it seems very transactional: You give me X, and I'll give you Y.

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 23:36

I'd.message saying, "Thank.you for the present. Just to.let you know I'm not doing presents next year, so please don't buy me anything. I'd rather we use the money to go out for drinks and a meal instead."

SmileyClare · 27/12/2023 23:37

Canisaysomething · 27/12/2023 22:17

You literally sent ideas to each other of specific items you wanted? That isn’t how gifts work. There’s zero thought and sentiment involved in that. You may as well have spent £50 on some groceries and loo roll for each other.

She obviously twigged how transactional your suggestion was and couldn’t bring herself to go through with it.

Meh gifts like that can work just fine if you both agree and set a budget. Both have still gone out and located the wanted gift, wrapped it nicely and presented it over some drinks and a meet up.
Theres no rule book on how Christmas presents “work”

Im not sentimental about Christmas gifts and hate surprises.
If you don’t want a transaction or can’t afford a budget then don’t agree to one.

Couldn't bring herself to stick to it?
It seems more like she got the lovely cashmere scarf set she wanted for the price of a regifted set of envelopes and flowery paper that she got from the office Secret Santa.

Raspberrymoon49 · 27/12/2023 23:38

Why bother if you’ve already instructed someone on what to buy you, it’s soulless