Friend didn't get me anything I wanted for Christmas-aibu to be a bit annoyed?

[sinkorahink]

Well not annoyed but I bit meh
Anyway me and good friend decided this year instead of buying each other random stuff we might not like -to buy each other things that we wanted.
We set a £50 budget
She sent over the things she wanted (a purse ,hat and glove set)
I sent her the two things I wanted (also a purse and some ear rings )
I bought her the exact things she wanted
We met today and did the gift opening
Before I opened mine she said -
"I didn't get you the things you asked for,I found these and thought you would like them"

It was a jewellery organiser and a stationary set.

Aibu to be a bit meh about it?

Judging by the “worst present” threads on here, it would save a lot of despair, offence and money if adults dropped all the sentimental stuff about expecting a present with love and soul in it and started being frank about a) what they’d like and b) what they can both afford.

It works well if you both agree (and stick to it) - it’s still fun and Christmassy to exchange gifts just without all the angst of pretending you like something you don’t or worse- offending your friend by asking for the receipt.

I would be really upset if I was in your situation. She reneged on the deal and left you feeling foolish and disappointed.

NO WAY would I be doing any gifts in the future, she deliberately gave you rubbish you don’t need. I bet you wish you’d just said forget it at the time and taken the things you’d bought back and told her you actually feel the stationary etc were more suited to her. ( or keep it and regift to her next year 😂)

A stationary set, I assume she means notelets and envelopes with some floral of 'pretty' design on them, maybe with a pen included - that is particularly awful!

Who would want that? Most people send emails, wassups, or texts these days to bother writing letters. I suspect it was given to her and she's re-gifted it to you.

I think you have every right to be pissed off - moreso as she got exactly what she wanted but didn't want to spend any money on you. Ask for the receipts and tell her you'd like to get what you asked for.

Then come back and tell us.

I agree with most. It seems a bit of a pointless transaction.
Why not just meet up for lunch, and, if you want a purse, go out and buy yourself a purse that you like ?

Obviously if you think this way of exchanging gifts is “pointless and transactional” then you don’t agree to it. 🤔

I think more people should have adult conversations with family and friends about what they would like and how much they should spend- and stop pretending that gifts are magical symbols that reflect how much people know and love you.

It would avoid all the disappointment and waste..all the piles of stuff ending up in landfill after Christmas, and all the posters on here sobbing upstairs on Boxing Day because their husband bought them a spice rack.

The reality is that if an adult wants something (at any other time of the year) they buy it for themselves if they can afford to.
That makes the task of buying a surprise gift that is useful and coveted by the receiver a pretty impossible task- you either a) take a gamble or b) cancel all presents between adults

I thought most adults set some sort of budget and ask each other for ideas at Christmas?
I have 3 sisters and we all do this- it works well. Dh and I go for transactional presents on a equal budget too.

How about in future you do a nice lunch or dinner / night out together rather than just essentially swapping money or things of the same value? If she’s a good friend the I’m sure that would be appreciated by both of you.

In my world, friends don't give each other lists and budgets. It seems pointless. If you know your friend well, you give her something you think she would like, and vice versa. The values of the items won't always match, but that's fine. Maybe try being more spontaneous in future?

I do also agree with the idea of pooling the money for a dinner, theatre trip, night out or whatever. That is much more common with adults, and gives you a treat to look forward to.

As adults I simply don’t see the point of this gift giving. You both spend £50 on each other and you end up with something you don’t even want or asked for. Just what is the point? If you must exchange gifts then have a much smaller budget (£10-15) and make the gift a surprise (with low expectations). Swapping £50 gifts is just madness.

I dislike waste and clutter. To mitigate this my friend and I agreed last year to do the same as you did. Set price limits and a list of items (that way its still can be a bit of guesswork to which one you will get)

We both don't have family or big Christmas gatherings, so a nice way to pop some cheer and a little event in our calendars. We agreed to choose items that can be got easily online as she doesn't drive.

I, like you, got the items off the list for her and I added one extra as I had won a really fancy and expensive day away for two at a super luxury event so added the invitation.

She got me a plastic Henry hoover gift set (because I like cleaning !?!)
Some Turkish delight mixed gift set (I cant stand Turkish delight but she was adamant that I loved it & she had seen me have it before)
A plain, slightly warped, thin wood chopping board
Two second hand books on WW2 (Not an interest of mine at all)
A chipped teapot that sits in a cup set in a lurid 1970's brown and orange

It was very obvious she had just gone into a charity shop and just picked 'stuff' rather than a single thing from the list.

I was secretly pleased when, just after we unwrapped the presents, the organiser of the day away emailed me changed the event date. It happened to be changed to a date she was on holiday abroad. She was really upset, understandably it was a great event with lots of VIP events and freebies added, so got really pushy that I should not accept the change in dates so that she she still could attend. (I found out later that she had called them to voice how upset she was and could they move the date - as she wasn't the winner they refused to speak to her thank goodness)

I took a family friend instead and we had a fantastic time.

She was delighted in the presents she received and suggested in September this year we do the same (and said she expected another day away to be included because she missed out through no fault of her own). She was very baffled when I said no.

The whole thing opened my eyes to the fact that recently she had to move to a more remote location and being as she doesn't drive I have been doing a lot for her and i think I've slipped from being a friend to a 'taxi and service provider'. I gone back and looked over the last six months of texts and every single one from her is asking 'how are you' followed by a request for a lift or favour.

annnnd while I have typed this up shes texted with a breezy hello, how was Christmas? also, am I going to the NY party at **? If i grab her early we could eat then get dolled up with some music and into the party mood. (in other words can I pick her up, feed her and take her - then either let her doss at mine or take her home)

Sigh.

If buying each other specific gifts to a set budget makes you both happy then there is nothing wrong with that. However clearly it hasn't worked this year and I actually think YANBU because she has not done what you agreed.

You definitely need a rethink for next year but assuming that she is a good friend otherwise I would try to just move on from it and go and buy the things you wanted if you can afford to.

Christ @lovelysmile I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for you!.. how do people like this sleep at night?

I know someone like your friend and all I can conclude is that they’re lacking self awareness and for whatever reason don’t appear to have a conscience.(?) So they are comfortable with taking advantage of others kindness without even flinching.

Thank your lucky stars she’s moving somewhere remote. I think I’d be tempted to drive her there myself to be sure 😂

I would feel the same as you but I think it’s pointless buying each other these things.

Just buy them for yourselves, then you’ll get exactly what you want.

If you want to give each other gifts, then set a limit of £5 or £10 and just do token gifts which will be surprises and much more meaningful than telling each other what to buy.

YANBU but I think adults giving each other Christmas presents is a bit pointless really. To avoid waste and clutter you exchange lists of what you'd like and then set an amount to spend - basically you're just swapping a 10/20/50 quid note.
Or you don't exchange lists and then try to choose something you think they will like which isn't that easy.
Over the years it's become more and more joyless and anyway friends and family have gradually ditched gift giving altogether. I have one relative who still insists on buying me stuff and it's always something which is completely bonkers that I don't need and can't possibly use eg. a book on gardening when I don't have a garden, clothes that I'd never wear in a million years and she must know that as she knows what my style is and various other things which I won't list in case she's on here.

These days I treat myself to one or two nice things that I would like at Christmas and know I can use.
I think you should maybe ditch the gift giving with this friend next year!

We do similar with my husbands family we each say some items we want and then people pick which item to give out of the options provided this way we don’t spend money on something that isn’t wanted so saves waste, however this year my SIL Dibbs an item I put on the list and got me something completely different and to be honest it’ll just get thrown in a cupboard or charity shopped. We got her exactly what she wanted so I was very miffed.

Don’t think YANBU but what’s the point of gifts if you tell her exactly what you want? I would have thought it’s just an idea of things you would like?

My group of friends do similar but as a secret Santa with a wish list. We can add to it what we would like but its entirely up to the buyer if they get that or something completely different. We try to put a number of things on there (both worth the full amount and or lots of cheaper gifts).

I didn’t get the earrings I liked (did get some though) but everything else was from my list. I bought my recipient everything she had chosen. By the way you think I should be annoyed but I’m not I’m grateful for what I got.

if it’s only 2 of you why not in future just arrange a nice night out together and buy what you want next time? Or do similar as above but with lots of options? That way you’re still surprised but get what you want.

I think you both have to be clear too about what to buy. Ensure she knows this is what you want and not an idea of something.

Next year you should spend £50 on yourself and she should spend £50 on her self and you will both get a nice treat for Christmas. You could go shopping together and get coffee or lunch to make it more festive.

I bet she hasn’t got the receipts for them if you ask.

I hate giving gifts, because you don't have any guarantees its something they'll want unless they tell you. But if they tell you, is it still a gift? I'm also not a massive fan of receiving them. House wise I have very specific tastes and they aren't cheap, so I don't want to ask people to spend that money. Clothes etc you never can tell without seeing it in person and trying it on.

For family and friends I don't see often, due to distance, I like to send something so they know we're thinking of them. So a token that will get used...a box of their fave chocolates or a bottle of their favor tipple etc. Small but appreciated. Otherwise, we just do for the kids. Buy the things we actually want for ourselves instead of buying or receiving gifts that may not be right.

I'd be more than a little hacked off to be fair, mainly because you made the agreement in the first place so could reasonably assume you were getting something you actually wanted.

Bit of a weird agreement though, might as well have just each bought yourself something and had done with it. Either that or send each other a longer wish list then you both get something you want but still the element of surprise I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why don’t you just put £50 her account and she put £50 in yours. Merry Christmas

I wouldn't be particularly bothered about this, but if you are, suggest not doing gifts next year. My best friend and I agreed a few years ago to make a donation to a charity of each other's choice - it's slightly pointless in one sense as we each donate the same amount, but it maintains the idea of the reciprocal gesture between friends.

This.

For me 'friends ' presents are small thoughtful things you wouldn't necessarily have thought of yourself. The OP's way seems completely pointless.

Yes

YANBU I'd be annoyed too. My mum buys utterly shit gifts EVERY year. Completely irrelevant stuff. If there's a chance it could be a good gift, she'll buy a shit version of it. Money is not the issue, parents are well off. It annoys me, l always make an effort, she never does. Every year she says oh I'm disappointed with what I got you this year but does the same each year.

This year I got a book about someone I have zero interest in, I have never been interested in and therefore she wouldn't have a reason to buy the book. Also a gift in a colour she knows I cannot stand. Ooh I've just got all riled up all over again thinking about it 😂