Large age gap relationships are becoming more and more common in the UK and not just for celebrities/hollywood set

[millymog11]

As people have chosen to marry later and remarriage becomes more common, the age differences between couples have increased as well. In a Brown University study, it has been noted that the social structure of a country determines the age difference between spouses more than any other factor.

This weblink and the above link would suggest it is the case:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships#:~:text=As%20people%20have%20chosen%20to,more%20than%20any%20other%20factor.

This came to mind due to this news article

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12828481/Rufus-Sewell-engaged-Holiday-actor-56-proposes-actress-Vivian-Benitez-26-shares-romantic-snaps-social-media.html?spot_im_redirect_source=user-profile&spot_im_comment_id=sp_jhHPoiRK_12828481_c_2Z8KCbJz2XFHr76sW1bXt71m1VG_r_2ZAfMEENUoqarTZpHTXrMwk7aIK&spot_im_highlight_immediate=true

I read it and I thought

• this is not actually just in Hollywood, I know of so many men who (even if married or in a similar age relationship and even on a long term basis) would go for a much younger woman whatever the cost to him; and
• in the above case, I struggle to think he is predatory because his relationship history / failed marriages are so well published that she cannot say she doesn't know and still picks someone with that history/pattern of relationships. Does she see it as a "starter marriage" for her and does he know/care if she does?

So am I being unreasonable that large age gap relationships (admittedly not with an age gap quite as large as Rufus Sewell here, but still) are becoming more and more common and most men would go for one if they had a chance and eliminating other practical financial considerations for him.

I'm not sure I would say it's more popular per say but I would say it's becoming more open.

My ex and I had a 15 years age gap and whilst not all of our problems were created as a direct result of the gap, there was a lot of generational differences between us including that whilst he was beginning to wind down I was just gearing up in my career.

Neither of us say our relationship in the ways you've described in the beginning but many of my fears at the beginning manifested themselves around 10 years in. 6 years after that I couldn't make those differences work anymore including his insistence that I step down from my career to have dinner waiting for him and his incessant need to turn me saying I'm tired into a competition as to why he is more exhausted than me because he has a manual job and mine is a desk job.

I appreciate it works for a lot of people, sadly my experience was different.

83 year old Patrick Stewart’s wife is 44. I used to be a big fan of his but this has put me off.

That said my DH is 11 years my senior but it’s not an issue between us at all.

I thought in the UK the average age gap had got smaller?

The average age of marriage, for a first-time marriage, had risen by 8+ years to 31.5 for women and 33.4 for men.

Taken from this ONS blog, the age gap in western countries has actally stayed pretty consistantly at 2-3 years over the last century.

Thanks JaninaDuszejko · Yesterday 14:25

that is a very interesting article. I am no surprised that the overall rate of people getting married has dropped. I am not sure that article shows that the age gap between men and women getting married has stayed the same tho - I still maintain that it is far more common to find men going for if not married to far far younger women than they used to do, partly I think because men are also putting off marriage so think they have forever to find someone and then when they are older they target younger women because they think they will be more likely to want to marry them because they want children (at that younger age)?

Certainly anecdotally a lot of men I have met if they had a choice would go for much younger women.

Sorry, the age gap staying the same was from another ONS page, I was surprised because I thought it had reduced and couples were now closer in age than they were historically but no, no change in western democracies over the last 100 years.

Anecdotally men may want younger women but that doesn't mean women want older men.

I think you are talking about really different things. I agree, lots of men would go for younger women if they could, or have a wife and three girlriends, or whatever. Not necessarily a huge age gap, but one where the woman was old enough to be her own person and be interesting to be with.

And for whether they are becoming more common, I don't know, but I would suggest a hypothisis if it is true.There are statistics that suggest that as a group, statistic most women do not date/marry men who are lesser earners or of a lower economic class or less educated then they are themselves. The reverse is not the case.

It's also true however that statistically, young women now academically out-perform men, and IIRC also they out-earn them.

If all of those things were true, in order for many women to find a partner who is on the same or higher level economically, they may find they need to look at an older man who is further ahead in his career.

It also might be that there is more competition for the men who are more educated or earning more, so those specific men have more choice of women and tend to choose ones that are somewhat younger than they are.

If those things were true we might also expect to see more well educated women, and less educated men, remaining single, so it would be interesting to see if that's the case too.

FWIW I think a lot of women are fine with older men, and a few prefer them. And a lot don't have much interest in men who are much younger.

One of my DDs, 22 yr old twins, has said you can’t have a conversation with men her age, she’s in University. Her ex was the same age, nice person but not as emotionally mature as DD. Her current boyfriend is 9 yrs older.

My DH is 12 yrs older than me. My DM was 1 yr older than my DF and only married for 40 years because of the DC. She was waiting for me to finish school once I was 16.

Certainly it makes sense for men to marry women who are younger or much younger than they are as this study shows having a younger spouse has a proven benefit on your mortality (whether the older spouse is male or female)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/
which says
"Previous studies of the age gap between spouses with respect to mortality found that having a younger spouse is beneficial, while having an older spouse is detrimental for one’s own survival."

Some more recent studies suggest that there is a sharper decline of marriage satisfaction (for the younger spouse) after the first decade, how scientific this study/report is I dont know tho:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202103/can-couples-with-major-age-differences-stay-together

The point is it makes sense for men to pick younger or much much younger (20plus years younger) wives because it means they are more likely to live longer with a much younger spouse.

I'd be interested to see much more up to date (last 5 years) statistics on age gaps at marriage in the UK - I bet men are marrying increasingly younger women.

In my opinion there is a difference between wanting a minimum age (especially with the man-child of many 20 something men, which @AdoraBell writes about) and wide age gaps in general.

Men who abandon wives once they reach 40 or so for younger women deserve condemnation in my view.

Some more recent studies suggest that there is a sharper decline of marriage satisfaction (for the younger spouse) after the first decade, how scientific this study/report is I dont know

I hope no. DP is 18 years older than me and we are still head over heels in love after 8 years together.

my sister recently got together with a man over 20 years older than her, who was in a 40 year marriage (and says it was over before they met, although he did live with the wife). She's almost the same age as his kids, who don't want to meet her. I couldn't do it myself. She's never had a relationship with anyone her age. They've always been 20 years plus older.

Patrick Stewart has a wife?

Patrick Stewart has a wife?

Asking the important questions 😅

My DP is 24 years older than me, we are so very happy together and I’ve always fancied the pants off him. I was brought up in a rather old-fashioned family and my father was 65 when I was born so in actual fact my personality and life history relates to a lot of DP’s cultural references. At the end of the day, I found a man who deeply loves me, who I recognise on a very deep level as mine intellectually, emotionally, completely, and I made a conscious decision to have a relationship with that man knowing I’d have to cope with the constant sadness that every day may be our last. He had been single for thirteen years before we met, I’m privileged he was brave/stubborn enough to dismiss the nasty gossips around him and make us us.

DH is 15 years older than me. Most of my friends are with men at least 10 years older than them.

In contrast I don't see huge number of age gap relationships in our social sphere but we haven't reached peak divorce age yet.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/householdcharacteristics/homeinternetandsocialmediausage/articles/livingarrangementsofpeopleinenglandandwales/census2021#:~:text=In%202021%2C%2031.1%25%20of%20married,couples%20in%202011%20and%202021.

Age disparity across relationship types

Across opposite-sex couples in 2021, most males are older in married couples (68.0%) and cohabiting couples (62.1%).
Proportionally, more females are older in cohabiting couples (26.2%) than married couples (20.6%).
In 2021, 31.1% of married couples have an age difference of five or more years, this is similar to 2011 (31.0%). There is very little change in the distribution of age disparity in married couples in 2011 and 2021. A higher proportion of cohabiting couples have an age difference of five or more years, (33.7%, down from 38.5% in 2011) compared with married couples. In 2021, the distribution of cohabiting couples is more similar to that of married couples than in 2011.

...
Higher proportions of same-sex couples in legal partnerships have an age difference of five or more years than opposite-sex married couples. Male couples have larger age differences than females, and civil partnerships have larger age differences than marriages. Of male civil partnerships, 58.3% have an age difference of five or more years, and 47.8% of female civil partnerships have an age difference of five or more years, compared with 50.4% of male marriages and 42.0% female marriages, and 31.1% of opposite-sex marriages.

...

Age disparity across age groupsAge disparity of opposite-sex couples (married and cohabiting) is shown in Figure 11 and 12, broken down by the age of the female.
The age disparity of opposite-sex married couples shows a larger age disparity between those aged 35 to 64 years. While it is complex to project the consequences of this it may have implications for future levels of widowhood and also retirement. This is smaller at younger ages (aged 25 to 34 years) and older ages (aged 65 years and over) where more couples are closer in age. Male life expectancy is lower than females', while this gap is reducing, females in married couples with a larger positive age disparity (where male is older) are more likely to be widowed. For those aged 16 to 24 years, just 0.5% are in opposite-sex married couples. As the age group is based on age of female, this increases the proportion of couples in the youngest age group where males are older.

Patrick Stewart has a wife?

yes and I think Ian McKellen acted as official marrying them.

Older men have always cracked onto younger women, it's really nothing new, how socially acceptable it is rises and falls over time.

I don't really understand the premise behind the data though: if women are getting richer (proportionate to men rather than in general) and marrying later, why would age gaps be getting bigger?

Surely the more financial autonomy women have the less likely they are to need older and more financially solvent partners? And the less need they have to get married overall?

Or am I missing something.

What if it's not an issue between Stewart and his wife?

Third marriage, been married for many years

In the UK we’ve enthusiastically accepted the mantra ‘Love is Love’ in so many circumstances. If someone wants to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex or someone who is a different race, then there is a recognition that you have to respect their choice.

However so many people still feel free to judge age gap relationships, despite knowing next to nothing about the people involved and the dynamic of the relationship.

I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 47. His daughter is older than me. We have a very healthy and happy relationship, we are equals in every way and forget that there is an age gap. We get on well with each other’s families and friends.

It upsets me that we face discrimination due to the ignorance of others, and I hope that in the near future we will see discrimination on the basis of age in the same way that we view homophobia and racism now.

Anecdotally men may want younger women but that doesn't mean women want older men

Yes I think that's true. My late partner was 16 years older than me which didn't bother me to begin with but once he reached his 70s, the age difference and life stage was starkly different. By then he had been retired 6 years and I was at the peak of my career.
Now that I'm nearing 60 there's no way I would want to be dating someone in their mid 70s, we would be incompatible.

The two relationships I know of with big age gaps are between older women and younger men.

Both very fit older women.

The only ones I know who have age gaps larger than 10yrs have no children. The ones who have children, the women are on average 3yrs older than their husbands.