Large age gap relationships are becoming more and more common in the UK and not just for celebrities/hollywood set

[millymog11]

As people have chosen to marry later and remarriage becomes more common, the age differences between couples have increased as well. In a Brown University study, it has been noted that the social structure of a country determines the age difference between spouses more than any other factor.

This weblink and the above link would suggest it is the case:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships#:~:text=As%20people%20have%20chosen%20to,more%20than%20any%20other%20factor.

This came to mind due to this news article

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12828481/Rufus-Sewell-engaged-Holiday-actor-56-proposes-actress-Vivian-Benitez-26-shares-romantic-snaps-social-media.html?spot_im_redirect_source=user-profile&spot_im_comment_id=sp_jhHPoiRK_12828481_c_2Z8KCbJz2XFHr76sW1bXt71m1VG_r_2ZAfMEENUoqarTZpHTXrMwk7aIK&spot_im_highlight_immediate=true

I read it and I thought

• this is not actually just in Hollywood, I know of so many men who (even if married or in a similar age relationship and even on a long term basis) would go for a much younger woman whatever the cost to him; and
• in the above case, I struggle to think he is predatory because his relationship history / failed marriages are so well published that she cannot say she doesn't know and still picks someone with that history/pattern of relationships. Does she see it as a "starter marriage" for her and does he know/care if she does?

So am I being unreasonable that large age gap relationships (admittedly not with an age gap quite as large as Rufus Sewell here, but still) are becoming more and more common and most men would go for one if they had a chance and eliminating other practical financial considerations for him.

Patrick Stewart is married to a woman?!

Yes I agree, there is very little awareness of that

TempestTost · 07/12/2023 23:50

FWIW I think a lot of women are fine with older men, and a few prefer them. And a lot don't have much interest in men who are much younger”

Agree. Always found older men far more interesting when I was young. My husband was/is a positive baby at just 6 years older 😁

Going by MN posts alone, I can see why older men are attractive to some women.

>Manchild unable to work, cook, clean, have conversations or raise children.
>Cocklodgers of varying degrees attaching themselves to an established woman who has a good income/her own home or good benefits/CM
>Men who believe women should use their savings to pay half the bills during maternity leave and also use the CB to feed and clothe the children.
>30 /40 year old men who have FOMO, so must be on every boozy weekender, while his wife has a newborn
> We could be here all day…

I can see why women may think- ‘naw, let me go for an older man who has worked all this incompetence out of his system (hopefully), has established himself and is more comfortable taking care of me and my children. Even if I’m miserable, I won’t be miserable AND working 50 hours a week to pay half the bills or prop this fucker up’.

Of course, much of this is conjecture and some older men are as useless as the men above; but it’s less likely they’re the ones in these statistics.

I am not an AI bot, nor am I an academic doing research (!!) a statistician or anything like that.
I included links to try to keep the discussion objectively on the idea that older men are increasingly marrying younger women and not to start an emotive debate about whether or not age gap relationships are viewed / judged (from the varying perspectives that comes from). Obviously I failed in that endeavour.
However just to try to keep it on track I include this which does not prove or disprove that men are increasingly going for younger/much younger women (although I still think that is a pattern in the UK at least)

https://www.deakin.edu.au/seed/our-impact/mind-the-gap-does-age-difference-in-relationships-matter

Which says
"Many people assume that age-gap couples fare poorly when it comes to relationship outcomes. But some studies find the relationship satisfaction reported by age-gap couples is higher. These couples also seem to report greater trust and commitment and lower jealousy than similar-age couples. Over three-quarters of couples where younger women are partnered with older men report satisfying romantic relationships.
"

Then there is this one which is fairly dry in terms of quoting statistics about divorce in age gap relationships compared with other relationships taking into account no other factors around relationships satisfaction

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7873718/

I think maybe later marriage makes it more likely for there to be some big age gap marriages that are between a mature woman and an older man, and that's not always dodgy when the woman is old enough to know her own mind.

One of my best friend got into a relationship with a man literally twice her age in her mid 30s - he wasn't rich, or handsome, he was just a lovely man and they enjoyed a very loving relationship for about a decade until he died in his 80s.

No they arent becoming more common. People usually marry those of or around the same age.

Why are you so exercised about this? Why do you care? Are you trying to make older women feel like shit? What’s your agenda?!

Age is one think none of us can actually do anything about! Yes when I was 24 I had my pick of the bunch if Dh left me or dropped dead tomorrow now at nearly 50 I wouldn’t? What are we supposed to do with this information?!

Before the Second World War, large age gaps like this were the norm. At any rate in upper and upper middle class circles. A man had to be well established in his career to be able to afford to keep a wife and family.

Yes, he and Sir Ian McKellen are just close platonic chums. Who knew?

He's done a lot of solid campaigning on male-on-female DV influenced by his own childhood experience and his wife was a proper grownup in her thirties when they married so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

The age gap relationships I know of personally are all older woman and younger man. I know of about 5 couples where the woman is between 10 and 18 years older than her husband, they are all long term relationships as well. This makes sense because contrary to what men society repeatedly tells us, women age better than men in nearly all cases. I know lots of couples where one or the other is 2 or 3 years older than the other but not particular sex bias, and at that age gap you are pretty much the same age.

I think men want younger or even much younger women as a matter of course and they may date them but most women are not interested in a much older man long term.

As for Rufus Sewell's latest marriage, if it lasts longer than a year or two I will eat my hat as they say.

*I never understand why some women have relationships with men who are much older than them.

Do they really fancy being a nurse maid and carer for their partner when they will still be relatively active and fit?*

You don't choose who you fall in love with. DP and me fell head over heels for one another and were still there nearly a decade on. Yes he's 18 years older, but equally nearly everyone in my family had got cancer before the age of 50. So who knows who will end up looking after whom. I could never break up with him on whatifs.

Majority of couples I know are a similar age , maybe 3/4 years difference at the most.

I only know of 2 larger age gaps.

The man is older in both couples, one by 12 years, the other 10 years.

One raised a few eyebrows, but not because of the age gap, it’s because he had recently divorced & had two kids.
My friend and older guy then had 2 kids together quite quickly.

Dh is 14 years older than me. We have been together 28 years, it works for us.

It’s not so easy now he’s retired and I’m stuck in an awful job I can’t afford to leave but we do have a plan for me to scale back in a couple of years.

It’s hard not knowing how long we will have together and having to plan for potentially a future alone but there are no guarantees with anything. DH has always been really fit and well whereas I had cancer in my 30’s.

@IClaudine

'Do they really fancy being a nurse maid and carer for their partner when they will still be relatively active and fit?'

This such a horrible, ableist (and ageist, plenty of people remain fit and heathy well into old age) thing to say. You do know disability can affect anyone of any age?

There are many people who are in relationships where one is a carer for the other. Are our relationships somehow lesser than relationships between non-disabled people?''

Give it a rest with the faux outrage...

I live with two long term health conditions that affect my daily life and I am also on the autism spectrum so I know perfectly well what living with a disability is like.

The point I was making has nothing to do with disability.

It was simply pointing out the obvious when it comes to age: someone who marries another person who is 20 years older than them or more is by definition going to be at a very different stage of their life when the other is reaching their twilight years and will likely need care.

Disability, illness can strike at any age and there is no predicting that. But you can grasp that with big age gaps there will inevitably be a big difference in term of stamina and health. A 55 year old and a 75 year old are in a completely different life stage for example.

I also noticed you failed to look at the impact that having much older parents has on children...

Also, when women died in childbirth male widowers got younger second wives.

Odd that people are saying on here that they don't know anyone with large age gaps, I know quite a few!

Myself :) My DH is 9 years older than I am. We have one child.

My uncle's wife is at least 20 years younger than he is (and they have two children). He was married before though.

One of my closest friend's partner is 16 years older than she is. He was married before too.

Another friend is at least 5 years older than his partner, they don't have kids.

As for being nurse maid I didn't actually think about that in my 20s. But it is certainly true that although by the law of averages I am more likely to have to look after DH, it could happen the other way round.

My mum was a lot younger than my dad as well but they divorced before she would have become his carer, and actually he never really needed care except the very last months of his life.

My mum was a lot younger than my dad as well but they divorced before she would have become his carer, and actually he never really needed care except the very last months of his life.

So was mine. Although my father lived into his 90s, he never needed care.

I agree about better education being needed.
Women should chose young men, the younger the better to be the father of their children.
Sperm from older men is crap compared to that of younger men.
I don’t know about older men being better fathers and partners in other ways. I only have 2 friends with dh who are older and they are roughly 10 years older. Both of these men have children from previous marriages and no children with the second wives. Neither man has any contact with his children. Hardly shining examples of great men are they? I have 2 friends with younger husbands. Neither had dcs previously. Both are great step fathers.
I work with a woman whos dh is 10 years older. She sits crying then flirts with anything in trousers, it’s embarrassing. She has so clearly missed out on dating as she got with her dh when she was a young teenager.

Larger age gaps between spouses are more common in countries/historical periods where women have less power/autonomy/access to education. So if they are becoming more common in the UK this isn't a good thing. eg https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165176521004468

But they are not becoming more common, the average age gap between spouses hasn't changed for 100 years, it's between 2-3 years.

I was very surprised too!

He’s on wife no 3. Don’t know why people are so surprised, I’ve never assumed him to be gay though knew sir Ian was.

My first husband was 14 years older than me, which I didn’t mind at the time but now that I’m older I find quite problematic. I would have thought with increasing economic independence of women that age gaps would have shrunk?

I wonder if this is also the result of online dating though? Previously you would have only really met people your own age, but now people can go on dates with strangers so the age gap might be widening as people have access to more potential dates from a wider pool?

My dad was younger than my step mother got about 15 years. I think age can feel like “just a number” until you’re in your 60s and 70s and suddenly it’s a very practical reality that impacts your quality of life immensely.

Yes same here, I just don't see it in life. Thank god.
Men who want to be with younger women are grotesque, shallow and not worth knowing.