Large age gap relationships are becoming more and more common in the UK and not just for celebrities/hollywood set

[millymog11]

As people have chosen to marry later and remarriage becomes more common, the age differences between couples have increased as well. In a Brown University study, it has been noted that the social structure of a country determines the age difference between spouses more than any other factor.

This weblink and the above link would suggest it is the case:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships#:~:text=As%20people%20have%20chosen%20to,more%20than%20any%20other%20factor.

This came to mind due to this news article

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12828481/Rufus-Sewell-engaged-Holiday-actor-56-proposes-actress-Vivian-Benitez-26-shares-romantic-snaps-social-media.html?spot_im_redirect_source=user-profile&spot_im_comment_id=sp_jhHPoiRK_12828481_c_2Z8KCbJz2XFHr76sW1bXt71m1VG_r_2ZAfMEENUoqarTZpHTXrMwk7aIK&spot_im_highlight_immediate=true

I read it and I thought

• this is not actually just in Hollywood, I know of so many men who (even if married or in a similar age relationship and even on a long term basis) would go for a much younger woman whatever the cost to him; and
• in the above case, I struggle to think he is predatory because his relationship history / failed marriages are so well published that she cannot say she doesn't know and still picks someone with that history/pattern of relationships. Does she see it as a "starter marriage" for her and does he know/care if she does?

So am I being unreasonable that large age gap relationships (admittedly not with an age gap quite as large as Rufus Sewell here, but still) are becoming more and more common and most men would go for one if they had a chance and eliminating other practical financial considerations for him.

My DH is 20 years older than me, we have 2 ( now adult ) DC and have been married for over 30 years.
Apart from other people's opinions we have not faced any issues between us, certainly none in the last 10 years or so.

The BBC has this recent (in the last year and a half) article
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220317-age-gaps-the-relationship-taboo-that-wont-die

These are also interesting

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/11/why-to-marry-someone-your-own-age/382520/

https://docs.iza.org/dp10863.pdf

Notwithstanding the above studies I still think that there is a trend (especially in economically challenging times) for men to be sucessful in getting into relationships with younger/far youngerwomen (and women to be open to/looking for that). And that is the case even more so if the woman goes into the relationship not wanting children or at the least not caring whether she has children (i.e she is not looking for the older man to be the biological father to her children).

From personal experience, not at all. All the couples I know are roughly the same age, excepting a few where the woman is older. I know of only one man with a much younger partner. Demographics play a part I'm sure, as I'm from an very average background with very few men who have sufficient wealth to compensate for their age in my circle! I also tend to take these theories with the punch of salt of the cynic who understands just how much older men are invested in telling each other that young women are lining up for them. I tend to prefer the evidence of my own eyes, and looking around I can clearly see that the world of the average is not full of aging men with young women on their arms!

Why wouldn't you have a younger, more attractive partner if you could? Seems pretty obvious surely.

Justfinking · Today 09:03 by the same token, why do you think people who do, go for older less attractive (I assume you mean physically?) partner?

Indeed. And why wouldn't a young woman want that too? Yet we're expected to believe they have the hots for the old guys.

Is it really about the perception of men. The other thread was about beautiful people I had put all the old male actors who I adore like James Steward and Cary Grant. But when looking closer they were younger than me in those films. Now men are infantile boys who you have to direct like children. I guess all these girls dating older men just want a "man".

Women? Wealth and security. Difficulties in finding a same age man for various reasons. The belief that an older man will treat them better/be wiser/more mature/support them/compensate for their weaknesses/less likely to stray. Disenchantment with the real or percieved behaviour of same age men due to poor experience. Circumstantial, they met through a shared interest.

Rubbish..

There's plenty of women who go for younger men too, I know a few. Generally they are attractive, confident and independent. I think most people go for what they can get. And as with everything men are better at it, even if they aren't as smart, attractive or wealthy they will still try. I don't think it's rocket science or some great mystery to be solved

There's that old joke where a 19 year old girl's father says 'You want to marry a man of 90? Are you crazy?' Daughter says 'He's a millionaire and owns a brewery'. Father says 'How soon can you book the ceremony?'

I agree. But I was actually referring to young women who will be able to choose between old men and young attractive men. While men might be better at going for what they want, with the best will in the world, older men are not going to be 'better' at attracting a partner than young women, who are at the top of the dating food chain.

"And as with everything men are better at it"

haha you are having a laff aren't you Justfinking?

"The belief that an older man will treat them better/be wiser/more mature/support them/compensate for their weaknesses/less likely to stray"

Objectively if you do go for an older man who has a proven track record at earning a certain amount, even if their income is highly risk geared (eg some self employed trades or seasonal work/very risky work etc) it would be reasonable to assume you are not going to end up "funding" them i.e. giving them a place to live which you pay for because they have not got on their own two feet financially.
However some kind of assumption that an older man is less likely to stray is utterly laughable especially when that older man is with you as their second significant other/wife (even if they did not cheat on their first wife to be with you, apart from some exceptional circumstances (eg being bereaved) its hardly a ringing endorsement of a man who can do long term committed relationships. Being older does not make you loyal.

I completely agree with you OP that the beliefs are not necessarily correct. But older men often (have to) work very very hard to get younger women. Part of that work often involves making her believe he adores her and is more grateful and appreciative of her than a young man would be. She may also (correctly) believe his advancing age reduces his options so he would have less opportunity to stray than a more in demand younger man.

As for not having to support him, the reality of life outside of the world of the six figure salary, is that aging men frequently lose earning potential alongside health and strength. Many do not retire with a huge pension, and Joe Average's young wife may well find herself working for another 20 years subsidising him.

"Part of that work often involves making her believe he adores her and is more grateful and appreciative of her than a young man would be. She may also (correctly) believe his advancing age reduces his options so he would have less opportunity to stray than a more in demand younger man."

This is certainly what I have observed in my experience. The men who are much older than their female partner seem to literally bend over backwards to give them whatever they want (which is usually material/something which can be bought with £) compared with younger men who seem to balance their relationships more evenly (assuming they are sincere and not abusive etc) in terms of offering quality time and other things (like physical energy, enthusiasm, a willingness to muck in instead of pay for external provision).
I suppose it depends what you value.

If financial security or being treated like a princess/spoiled is your kind of thing and you don't mind not having as much in-person type company then older more financially secure men would be your dream i guess.

It was so in our case. 18 year age gap and I initiated the divorce after 11 years together.
We still co-parent amicably years on but I thank my lucky stars we're not a couple anymore. The age divide feels massive right now.