AIBU to get a dog?

[TheAnswerIsTea]

I have always wanted a dog since I was a kid, my parents grew up with dogs but I wasn’t allowed one because of the time commitment etc. Then I started my career and due to long hours it wouldn’t have been fair to get a dog. I’m now in my mid thirties, have young children and due to childcare costs I will not be going back to my job… silver lining, I’m finally in a position to give the time and effort to properly look after a dog! Yay!

BUT, I have just found out my SIL can’t be around dogs. She has Asthma and apparently the last time she was around a dog for a few hours, later that evening she ended up on hospital with an asthma attack. We see my SIL every week and she helps look after our kids with her parents, it’s an ad hoc arrangement sometimes at their house, (SIL lives with her parents,) sometimes at ours.

My DH has always talked about getting a dog, so I was surprised when her history with dogs came up in conversation. He’d never said it was going to be an issue! I don’t know what all the implications are if we do get a dog. Would SIL not be able to come into the house?

I really want my kids to grow up with the benefits of having a dog, learning responsibility, the daily exercise and fresh air and just the sheer joy and companionship of a dog. But I don’t want to cause a rift in the family or harm to my SIL. I feel like now I know I can’t get a dog and I’m gutted.

You can't put everyone's needs constantly first. Can your sil look after your kids at the mils? You should put your kids first. Dogs are bloody amazing

If your SIL is severely allergic to dogs you then have to make a choice. Her, and the support of your family, or a dog. Take your pick.

Is she allergic to every breed of dog? Can you ask her if she’d be able to come into your house? Maybe discussing it with her is your best bet.

On the one hand, you can't live your life based on the health issues of people who don't even live with you.

On the other hand, choices have consequences so you may need to accept less help and support from your SIL if you choose to have a dog.

Personally I would get the dog and just meet SIL elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

Would it definitely be all kinds of dog that would trigger SIL’s asthma? Or could there be certain breeds that might be better? Is it the hair for example? In which case some breeds shed a lot less than others.

Personally I wouldn't choose to have a dog if I knew that my SIL (who I see regularly) has been hospitalised due to a reaction to a dog. If you are close to your SIL & ILs it would be upsetting for them to know you made the choice of a dog over your SIL's health. What's more important to you? What is your DH's view?

Sil can take antihistamines no?

If it's fur that's the problem (usually is with asthma) then something like a poodle or mix suxh as cockerpoo should be fine. Do you know someone with a hypoallergenic breed that SIL could meet up with to test for reaction?

That was my first thought, but that’s apparently what they did, met up with someone with a cockapoo for a couple of hours as SIL wanted a dog. But if the attack was hours later, I don’t know how they know it was definitely caused by the dog fur and not something else. This all happened before I knew her, years ago, (I’ve only just found out.) But I didn’t feel it was my place to ask too many questions.

Could she look after your children at her own house and additionally you get a non shedding/low allergy breed for those inevitable hairs on clothing? Dogs are amazing!

Since you’re going back to work, you won’t really be needing the childcare now.
Put your family first and get the dog.
SiL should also put herself first and not look after your children anymore. Win win.

Oh away you go FFS. You can’t live your live around someone else’s allergies who aren’t in your home every day! Meet outwith the home, it’s not difficult. SIL doesn’t need to be around the dog, you can’t live your life taking everyone into consideration OP. SIL lives her own life as does the OP.

A loving and helpful aunt is far more beneficial to children than sharing their home with a species that eats shit.

Why do you think it has to be one or the other?

OP can have her "shit eating creature" (as you so charmingly put it) in her own house and see her SIL elsewhere, surely?

There is no way I would deny myself a pet based on the allergies of a person who doesn't even live in my home. That way madness lies.

Madness is choosing a filthy animal over a loving human, and a close family member at that. Sil will no longer be able to visit. Some friends won’t visit either, as sil isn’t going to be the only person with allergies to dogs.
If sil has kids in the future, they too may be allergic, so that’s the end of cousins being able to visit too.

Dogs are a chore, expensive, smelly, unhygienic, and more often than many people realise, bite to the extent hospital treatment is required.

If you're close to your SiL and she sees a lot of your kids, then personally I wouldn't (unless you speak to her and she says it's not a severe allergy or something). She will never be able to visit your house again. You wont be able to visit for any length of time. To me, a close relationship with a loving aunt who has the potential to be in your childrens lives their whole lifetime, is going to be more beneficial to kids than having a dog. I like dogs and I do think they enrich peoples lives but not as much as a close relative. There are other ways of getting daily fresh air and exercise and teaching kids responsibility but it may be difficult to repair the relationship if you spend a lot of time in each ofhers houses now but going forward can only meet outdoors or something. If you're not that close though I'd go for it

Get one of the breeds that actually doesn't shed - a poodle, a bedlington terrier, there are quite a few, and also worth seeing if wire coated breeds that are kept hand stripped fairly short affect her too.

Do NOT get a crossbreed of one heavily shedding breed (labrador, cocker spaniel etc) and a non shedding breed, that instantly turns it into a big gamble as to whether the dog will trigger allergies or not.

Allergies are also often NOT caused by dog hair but by dog dander and saliva, and if that is the case then a super fine short coated dog that can be easily wiped clean (or the wire coated ones, kept stripped NOT shaved, short) might be the solution.

Also look at your home - soft furnishings that hold fur and can't be washed, so carpets, certain types of sofa fabrics will hold fur and dander, hard floors and leather sofas with throws that can be washed will be much better.

I have several friends with severe allergies, all have been fine here as I have wire coated or non-shedding breeds and hard floors/leather sofas.

Ultimately, its your life, not hers, you can do a lot to mitigate the issue but we can't live our lives for someone not in our immediate home.

Google low allergy breeds. Allergy is usually due to dander or saliva.

Here's a couple of quick links. It will depend what size dog you want for what breeds you look at. I'd read heaps of pages to get a broad range of breeds and then look closer at breeds you like the look of.

www.petdrs.com.au/blogs/news/best-dog-breeds-for-allergy-sufferers?gclid=CjwKCAjwtp2bBhAGEiwAOZZTuD4AEvTeRn2uVm69pH3FGg5CFsUW17EtoNxXbkC6sO75YNnVa1EF8hoC7uYQAvD_BwE

www.bhg.com.au/hypoallergenic-dogs-top-8-dog-breeds-for-allergy-sufferers

can your sister take medication? I know my ex uncle would do this whenever he came to family meals (as he is allergic to cats and at the time we had 4). I would ask her about it, and explain how you feel about a dog and the kids. You know just a nice chat to see where you and her stand on the issue.

You'll only know the answer by talking to your SIL. I know you say you didn't want to pry but I think you're going to have to ask her if you can.

You need to get a better, first hand picture of her allergy reactions and talk to her about how it might work (or not) with a dog.

Antihistamines, air filters, HEPA level vacuuming, breed/coat type, etc all are tools that may help.

Hahahahah. I'd go with this

If you want SIL to come round to the house, other than in your garden, don’t get the dog.

Are you definitely giving up work for the next 10-13 years?

If you choose to get a dog and sil is severely allergic then she won't be able to come to your house so childcare would need to take place at in laws and you might need to to be mindful of kids clothes before they go there. Otherwise if she's mildly allergic she may be able to visit if dog is in a separate room?

But how old are kids? Separate subject but a dog is such hard work particularly a puppy so if kids are under 5 I'd be tempted to leave it a few more years. Honestly my ds was 6 and I felt like we had gone back to toddler stage having a puppy.

I despise cats, like as in loathe them. Think they are the most evil looking, creepy things. I would never go anywhere that has a cat. I'm not allergic, just hate them. That's my choice not to be around them. Your sil is severely allergic though, and that can't be helped. She may distance herself from your kids if she feels it's too risky. It depends on how you feel about that. What does your dh say?

I wouldn’t if you see her regularly and she lives with your inlaws. It will make her life more difficult and she might not want to look after your kids anymore.