AIBU to get a dog?

[TheAnswerIsTea]

I have always wanted a dog since I was a kid, my parents grew up with dogs but I wasn’t allowed one because of the time commitment etc. Then I started my career and due to long hours it wouldn’t have been fair to get a dog. I’m now in my mid thirties, have young children and due to childcare costs I will not be going back to my job… silver lining, I’m finally in a position to give the time and effort to properly look after a dog! Yay!

BUT, I have just found out my SIL can’t be around dogs. She has Asthma and apparently the last time she was around a dog for a few hours, later that evening she ended up on hospital with an asthma attack. We see my SIL every week and she helps look after our kids with her parents, it’s an ad hoc arrangement sometimes at their house, (SIL lives with her parents,) sometimes at ours.

My DH has always talked about getting a dog, so I was surprised when her history with dogs came up in conversation. He’d never said it was going to be an issue! I don’t know what all the implications are if we do get a dog. Would SIL not be able to come into the house?

I really want my kids to grow up with the benefits of having a dog, learning responsibility, the daily exercise and fresh air and just the sheer joy and companionship of a dog. But I don’t want to cause a rift in the family or harm to my SIL. I feel like now I know I can’t get a dog and I’m gutted.

Ooh here we go, the Mumsnet dog loathers.

Am cuddling my shit eater right now.

OP why don’t you talk to your husband? What are his thoughts? Like the others say some moult far less. The worst reaction I saw was a friend reacting to a greyhound who have very fine, short fur. I’ve got friends who commonly react who seem to be fine with my Labradors, different dogs give different reactions.

I think the reasons the Obamas got a Portuguese Water Dog is because one of their daughters is allergic to dogs. I would talk to your sister in law as to whether it’s all dogs or just certain breeds. I wouldn’t go down the route of poodle cross. It’s just reducing the moulting not making the dog less likely to cause allergies. Hopefully getting a dog is doable without having to alienate from your sil

Am cuddling my shit eater right now.

🤣🤣🤣

Maybe see how sil feels about it.there are many non shedding types of dogs about. It seems unfair to deny your family all the benefits of a pooch,maybe if you do have one just see sil at her home or mil .

Poodle crosses can have more poodle traits or more traits of whatever they're crossed with so are definitely not a sure fire way to get a poodle coat - it would make more sense to get an actual poodle!

A lot of people with dog allergies are actually allergic to dog dander and/ or saliva, so don't assume that its fur and get a low moulting dog breed assuming that sil will definitely be fine in your house with the dog - it might not be the fur she's reacting to at all!

However if you're not planning to return to work do you really need her to do enough child-care for this to even matter?

Surely you won't be reliant upon her as you were before maternity leave and occasional looking after the children when you and DH want to go out on the same evening can be worked around at the grandparents, with the children changed on arrival into fresh and completely dog fur/ dander free clothes kept at the grandparents, leaving the dog in your house.

Asthma isn't the same as allergies though. An antihistamine may not help that much.
I take an AH and use my brown inhaler if I am visiting friends with certain pets. I probably still need to use my blue inhaler later and last time I was wheezy for 2 days. My asthma is mild and we'll controlled.
Talk to your SIL about her asthma and if getting a dog is going to be a problem..

Has your SIL not been near another dog since that asthma attack?

One asthma attack in a day (hours later) she was near a dog doesn't not mean she has a dog allergy, has she ever been tested for allergies at all or have they just cast about for something to blame the attack on?
Allergies can go away/change.

This seems really harsh. Your sil has helped you out a load if she is doing weekly childcare so must have a great relationship with your kids. People are advising you don't need her now, think of yourselves like she's noting to you. How selfish. I think you need to discuss with her that you want a dog and work together to minimise risk to her. But if it really is dangerous to her to have a dog around I would pick her.

I’d check with her..If it was hours after the dog it may not be the dog. I’m severely allergic to cats and some dog hair and it’s instant reaction not later. We have a spoodle and I get no allergy reactions. (Severe asthma, eyes watering, swelling and sneezing..lol that’s just being in an area a cat is lol not even touching the thing!)

Has this attack only happened once after seeing one dog?

What @Ragwort said.

However my dh is like your sil, was once hospitalised for a week as a teen unable to breathe without hospital help because he kipped on a mates floor and they had a dog.
However, he discovered it was not the hair that set him off it was the dander, we ended up having a dog of our own who was very hairy but whose skin was not prone to dander (he was a long haired collie cross, labs and spaniels would have been bad) and we enjoyed such good times with our dog and were thrilled to find a solution.

Could you talk to your sil, tell her you don't want to make it so she is unable to be in your house but also would like a dog if it was possible and does she know what is her trigger?

Why not just talk to your SIL about it? Or ask your husband to? Then you can discuss solutions regarding her asthma abs whether they are realistic or whether having a dog means so much to you that you are prepared to compromise your relationship with your SIL because of it.

My dogs give so much to myself and my kids that I would never consider not having one because of a family member that doesn’t live with me. They are literally a huge part of our lifestyle and we all love them like they are our family, because they are.

Try a poodle or bichon.

Just to add, breeds like a poodle may potentially be helpful and there is a product called ‘petal cleanse’ that can help with dander etc for those with allergies. So it’s worth looking into that.

I don't know whether you include my post in this. I certainly didn't mean that they "don't need her" but that they surely won't be expecting regular child care in the from her as they did when both parents worked!

As they won't be reliant on SIL coming to the house to do child care they can leave any dog at home and make sure everyone changes into dog-hair/dander etc. free clothes to spend time with SIL.

That makes a lot more sense than guessing which dog might or might not give SIL an asthma attack, as it might be dander or saliva not fur which causes her asthma. It's also better than demanding SIL gets tests unless she chooses to (surely if SIL herself previously genuinely wanted a dog she'd have done this already, rather than not doing it then but doing it to facilitate providing free childcare for her brother 's children when their mum wants a dog).

I think you’re maybe a tinyyyy bit biased and don’t like any animals so maybe you should step back a bit! Humans also hospitalise people wayyy more than people realise and are quite often more disgusting than animals too - not saying this is what OPs SIL is like as she sounds lovely! But it’s not really a reason to say no to a dog. No dog I’ve ever owned has eaten shit btw 👍

OP, if you’re going to be at home will you need the child care as much anyway? It could become so that you meet SIL where she lives or go out for coffees etc? The dog could always be kept in a separate area when she comes - you can get pet hair hoovers that’s work amazing

I don't think your SIL would feel you were prying if you raise the subject. I'm sure she would appreciate your concern for her safety and her future relationship with your family. You need more information to help you decide whether to get a dog and if so, what type.

OK, you have demonstrated that you hate dogs. So stay off threads with people who want to have an intelligent conversation - there are more than enough dog hating threads on the site to keep you busy.

OP, I think that a dog can definitely add to a family, and it's clear that you would like that, as would your husband. So I would suggest that you start out by having a conversation with your sister in law. If ther allergic attack was once and years ago, then it could ahve been caused by something else, and unlikley that she was allergy tested to confirm it. People's allergies can also change. Plus medications are much better now too. So a sensible conversation with her - you know, the sort that mostly isn't happening on this thread - to look at the options and realities would be a good starting point. And perhaps also you could pay for her to have allergy testing (it isn't very expensive) if you all want to be sure and she's in agreement. You are obviously all very close, so I doubt she'd want to hold your family back from doing something withgout even knowing that was happening. Then if the answer is that you don't get a dog, you have explored all the options and not just given up on your desire.

People say you can just take antihistamines. But when you've been in that position of being unable to breathe it's terrifying. I have allergies (clinically diagnosed for the person who mentioned that, which is important as you really can't guess at these things) and unfortunately I also have eye issues which make taking antihistamines very difficult as my eyelid is prone to sticking to my eye and then when I try to open my eyes it can tear it, it's not something to be messing around with.

Also, as someone pointed out, if this is asthma, antihistamines aren't the right thing to take.

Having said that, if you're allergic to dogs/cats the symptoms are pretty clear after being around them, for me it's unmistakeable and I wish very much I hadn't got this allergy.

OP I'd talk about it with her. Are you dependent on her childcare? How big a part of your life is she? Would she never come around? Would she be OK with meeting you outside the home or would the relationship tail off? To me, it would be really sad if a relationship like the one you describe ended when you can do things like borrowmydoggy and so on. I know it's not the same as having a dog yourself, but this relationship sounds important to your family, it's not a minor one.

I also just want to say that ending up in hospital with an asthma attack is serious. It can kill. So please no one be harsh towards the SIL. She is trying to protect her own health and it's understandable. People make choices - as you're having to do. I hope you find a compromise. In an ideal world maybe there's a dog that wouldn't affect her, like other people have mentioned.

If you have the money then an Australian Labradoodle could be the way to go, if you don't want a 100% poodle, they are highly regulated as a breed and are for people who have allergies.
Most 'poodle' mixes are not anti-allergy dogs, some just happen to be.
There are various facebook groups for the owners of both, and they may be willing to meet up with your sister to see if she reacts.

Are you certain it was the dog? Our asthmatic son’s episodes occur immediately when he encounters the trigger, not hours later.

There are no guarantees an AL will be fine for allergy sufferers, at all - they still produce a variety of coat types, textures and lengths.

Get a dog or keep childcare? Very difficult choice.

If your SIL believes a dog caused the asthma attack, she wont want to experiment around you with breeds.

Personally, i'd go with a different type of pet & keep the childcare, children can soon grow bored with walking a dog or even go off the whole idea, leaving you with limited CC and a dog who may live 15 or more years.