AIBU to get a dog?

[TheAnswerIsTea]

I have always wanted a dog since I was a kid, my parents grew up with dogs but I wasn’t allowed one because of the time commitment etc. Then I started my career and due to long hours it wouldn’t have been fair to get a dog. I’m now in my mid thirties, have young children and due to childcare costs I will not be going back to my job… silver lining, I’m finally in a position to give the time and effort to properly look after a dog! Yay!

BUT, I have just found out my SIL can’t be around dogs. She has Asthma and apparently the last time she was around a dog for a few hours, later that evening she ended up on hospital with an asthma attack. We see my SIL every week and she helps look after our kids with her parents, it’s an ad hoc arrangement sometimes at their house, (SIL lives with her parents,) sometimes at ours.

My DH has always talked about getting a dog, so I was surprised when her history with dogs came up in conversation. He’d never said it was going to be an issue! I don’t know what all the implications are if we do get a dog. Would SIL not be able to come into the house?

I really want my kids to grow up with the benefits of having a dog, learning responsibility, the daily exercise and fresh air and just the sheer joy and companionship of a dog. But I don’t want to cause a rift in the family or harm to my SIL. I feel like now I know I can’t get a dog and I’m gutted.

Agree with this.

Get the dog and don't ask SIL to look after your children

I don't see how she can be sure it was due to being near a dog. I know a couple of people with allergies to dogs and one gets the symptoms immediately and the other fairly quickly. For it to be hours later seems unlikely.

Also, if it was years ago, has she never come into contact with a dog since? Surely she has friends or family who have dogs? It would be unusual not to know anyone with a dog.

Also if her allergy is that bad surely she has come into contact with people who own dogs who have dog hair on their clothes? Does no one she works with have a dog? Never stayed in a hotel or holiday home where a dog has been?

If her allergy was so bad she had to be hospitalised she would have to be very very careful in her every day life.

I would talk to her and try to get to the bottom of the story because it doesn't really make sense.

Even if she is that allergic then she is unlikely to be allergic to all dogs as their hair/fur differs quite a bit. My BIL is only allergic to my breed of dog. He has had a couple of dogs himself (3 different breeds) and never had a problem.

SIL has asthma that may be triggered by dogs. Not allergies. Low allergenic dogs may have little or no impact.
I can feel the effects of something that triggers my asthma for a couple of days after exposure. It will affect my breathing for a long time after quite mild exposure. For example horses - I don't need to be around horses, but if someone is wearing clothes that they have ridden in, that will be enough.

Surely the place to start is having a conversation with your SIL and finding out exactly what can trigger her asthma.

Is she absolutely certain that she's allergic to dogs, or could the attack she had have been brought about by something else in the environment.

And just so you know Cockapoos are very rarely hypoallergenic.

Poodles can be but it's also not a given. It depends what triggers the allergic reaction.

I didn’t put this in the original post as it’s not relevant but for context, they’ve been helping me with childcare because I have a 2 year old and twins who are now three months old. I want to be able to look after my kids full time by myself but I can’t split myself in three and they shouldn’t suffer because I don’t want to ask for help.

Thanks, this is really helpful :)

I wouldn't be getting a dog yet with children so young, it will be like adding another toddler (but one with sharp teeth) into the mix

Don't get a dog if you can't cope with your children.

I'm not saying that nastily. Very tiny twins and a toddler is massively hard work. So are puppies.

Asthma/ allergies aside you would be a bit bonkers to add a puppy to your household right now! A toddler, 2 babies and a puppy would be insane.

I love dogs but in your situation I wouldn't dream of getting one, aside from SILs asthma, you sound like you have literally no experience of dogs.
I grew up with a house full of German shepherd's and like to think I know a bit about dogs but I wouldn't dream of taking on a new dog with 3 month old twins and a toddler.
It will need walking several times a day whatever the weather, have you thought about how you will do that with all the dc in tow?
Who will watch the dc when you bring the dog home and it needs a shower because it's rolled in fox poo?

I'll be honest until your recent update I was going to suggest a chat with SIL to say 'we're considering getting a dog but I understand you may have suffered an asthma attack due to one a few years back ...' and seeing where it goes but I work from home, no kids at home anymore. I have recently got a puppy on top of 2 other dogs and fml its hard work. In all honesty I'd say wait until you're past the toddler stage with the children.

This. I adore dogs and will never be without one, however I wouldn't have thanked anyone for one when my two children were babies or toddlers. Also I got my dog for me-no child I have ever known has wanted to walk a dog for the duration of its life. You also need backup-you will become I'll at some point, and therefore need a reliable person who can take the dog and care for it or pay someone to walk it.

If you are insistent on getting a dog then you need to be prepared to entirely rethink your childcare arrangements.

SIL definitely won’t be able to look after them in your house and it is utterly ridiculous for people to suggest that she should medicate herself just to look after your kids.

furthermore if your kids carry allergens to your ILs house then they might not be able to go there anymore.

up to you to decide which is more important to you but it’s unlikely you will get to enjoy both the dog and the existing childcare provision.

Don’t get the dog yet. I love dogs and we have one but my god it’s hard work with little ones.

Ddog would want to go out in the garden as soon as I started feeding DS. Trying to open doors with baby tucked under my arm and the bottle wedged under my chin wasn’t ideal. We were getting up with the puppy as much as DS.

If you want to go out for the whole day you need to factor in getting back for feeding/walking the dog.

If you want a night away or holiday you need to arrange for the dog to be looked after.

Training certain breeds is hard work and you’ll have to do this around looking after the DC. Things like training not to bark at the doorbell are harder to do if you’ve got your attention split between the dog and DC.

It seems like your SIL is certain it’s a dog allergy so is unlikely to want to visit your home again if you had a dog. If you’re OK with meeting elsewhere and pretty certain you won’t need her to do childcare in your house then fair enough.

Just think long and hard, then think again before deciding.

I would definitely wait until all children are of an age where they can follow instruction reasonably well and truly understand animals are not toys .

Otherwise you are effectively adding another toddler but one who will never communicate properly, who will ALWAYS be bottom of the priorities when it comes to needs being met etc with the children, and for whom any mistake is likely to be life threatening.

If you think about it in those terms... would you have a child if you knew that you would always meet their needs last if anyone else needed something in your home?

Would you have another child if, as a toddler when they lacked self control and bit a sibling.. you rehomed them or euthanised them?

Honestly d you are struggling to look after your kids without help, id leave off the dog for a couple of years
They're a huge commitment.

No, I wouldn't get a dog in those circumstances and I adore dogs. Much more than people.

Doesn't sound like you are in a position to give your time and effort to a dog. I wouldn't be carrying on helping with childcare if I was your SIL if you got a dog. If you have the time for a dog you can look after your 3 kids.
Dogs are hard work and expensive, so are young children.

Ooo no I think your kids are too young. Puppies are land sharks! And your kids should be old enough to respect the dog

I have allergies to dogs and cats, and would struggle with the kids clothes even if they came to my place. It's quite unpredictable because you can't tell how much dander there will be on clothing and hands. It does mean I see little of family members who do have dogs and cats, we'll just meet in the open air occasionally, but I don't resent them for the choice - pets bring a lot to a family.

For clarification and to reply to several peoples posts, I was never considering getting a dog right now. I was always going wait until the twins were older. I’m a responsible adult and I realise the amount of time and effort raising a puppy requires. That’s exactly why I haven’t previously got a dog, I’m not someone who thinks it’s acceptable to work all day, leaving a dog at home with just a dog walker for a couple of hours. I know both kids and dogs are hard work, but it is possible when the kids are older. I posted now because I only just found out about my SIL’s reaction and so it’s been on my mind.

Thats also why I didn’t go into the details of my childcare arrangements initially as they will have changed in the future. I don’t leave my three kids with my PIL/SIL I’m always there too, they are extra hands, or occasionally they will have my eldest to give him a break from the twins. By the time I am ready to get a dog the childcare situation would be very different and it would be more just seeing family for a visit and their company rather than relying on their help.

But if it’s not going to happen I would rather make the decision and come to terms with it.

Despite some people saying cockapoo’s are hypoallergenic they aren’t. The advice is to get one of the curliest coated ones when picking from the litter. But even then doesn’t mean they will be less problematic for someone with an allergy. I personally wouldn’t get a dog if someone I used for childcare was so allergic they were admitted to hospital.

@TheAnswerIsTea if you're going to wait until the children are older then have that conversation with the SIL re: clarification on the asthma attack. I'm sure she won't mind you asking.

I misunderstood. I thought you meant straight away. I thought that would be a bit brave 🤣

If it's fur that's the problem (usually is with asthma) then something like a poodle or mix suxh as cockerpoo should be fine

why a poodle mix?

i do not get the logic of taking a poodle, which has a non shedding, hypoallergenic coat, crossing it with a dog that sheds and is likely to trigger allergies, and somehow thinking that the offspring will be better for an allergy sufferer than the bloody poodle!

basic genetics people!

someone explain the logic. Introducing shedding /allergy trigger genes into a poodle will make things worse.

o/p cockerpoo, labradoodles and the like are no good for someone who’s asthma may be triggered. Steer well clear of crosses altogether as you don’t know what coat properties may me inherited.

you need a pure poodle, or something like a yorkshire terrier which has “hair” rather than fur.

asthma is not as simple as a dog allergy though, you don’t fuck about with asthma triggers, so talk to your sil and see if she’s noticed her triggers, if she’s been around dogs much etc.

Why don't you offer to get allergy tests for your SIL? I'm not sure how much it costs but could that be an option ?

I think ultimately you need to talk to her and see how manageable her allergies are and whether certain breeds are less of a trigger and whether antihistamines, inhalers work?

However, I would probably wait until your twins are a little older and you aren't quite as reliant on her to help. Maybe when they are 3 and they go to nursery?

I've recently rehomed a young cocker and he is extremely well behaved, however some days it is still very hard to get him out for a decent walk with all 3 kids in tow.