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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that he's dated someone else at the same time??

83 replies

mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:24

Been married for 5 years and just found out that my DH dated someone else at the same time he was dating me, it was in the early stages and He stopped seeing her 3/4 months into our dating time.
AIBU for being annoyed? He says we weren't in a relationship then and were just dating but I am shocked!
In those 3 months we were going for dates every week. He always came across as such a trustable guy.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 25/11/2021 11:30

Ooh I'd be shocked too! It's weird! 5 years and this never came up!

WindyWindsor · 25/11/2021 11:31

I'm slightly confused. Are you annoyed that he dated anyone else at all at any point when you were dating? If so YABU. If you were dating and not exclusive then why would you be shocked he was also dating others at the same time? That's what dating is, meeting new people to try find someone to stay with.

Although 3/4 months may be slightly long to cut everyone else off but completely depends on how fast you were going or when you had the "exclusive" talk?

If he was dating others 1 month into dating you would you still be annoyed?

VirgilStarkwell · 25/11/2021 11:32

That’s not nice! Was he having sex with both of you? (Snogging both would be bad enough.)

FortunesFave · 25/11/2021 11:33

@WindyWindsor

I'm slightly confused. Are you annoyed that he dated anyone else at all at any point when you were dating? If so YABU. If you were dating and not exclusive then why would you be shocked he was also dating others at the same time? That's what dating is, meeting new people to try find someone to stay with.

Although 3/4 months may be slightly long to cut everyone else off but completely depends on how fast you were going or when you had the "exclusive" talk?

If he was dating others 1 month into dating you would you still be annoyed?

How's it confusing? OP obviously thought they were exclusive.
WindyWindsor · 25/11/2021 11:34

What I'm saying is it sounds like she thought they were exclusive from the first date which I would say is unreasonable, but maybe I misunderstood OP

Original poster
mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:41

I always thought that once you've had a few dates with someone (exclusive or not) and you get on etc. Plan future dates, talk everyday... I thought you shouldn't date someone else.. and if you do then tell me. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I don't like the thought of being picked out of the 2
Oh I'm scared to ask if he was sleeping with her too .. I think I know the answer

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 25/11/2021 11:42

3 or 4 weeks - only just but 3 to 4 months that is cheeky, especially as he wasn't up front about it at the time. Something tells me he wouldn't have been as okay with if the situation was reversed and you had a side back burner boyfriend

Original poster
mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:43

Thinking about it .. we've never had the "exclusive talk" just started referring to each other as bf/gf after 6/7 months

OP posts:
WindyWindsor · 25/11/2021 11:43

If you were seeing eachother and talking all the time for 4 months and he was sleeping with both of you through that before making his mind up then I would say that is pretty damn slimy of him yes.

tulips27 · 25/11/2021 11:43

As someone who is 40, when and why did we import this American concept of "exclusivity"? It used to be the case that if you were seeing someone you were automatically exclusive. Some American imports are great but this seems like a retrograde step.

Original poster
mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:44

@Catflapkitkat

3 or 4 weeks - only just but 3 to 4 months that is cheeky, especially as he wasn't up front about it at the time. Something tells me he wouldn't have been as okay with if the situation was reversed and you had a side back burner boyfriend
Exactly! I was dating on and off before him but after our second date I decided to cut contact with the other "potentials" 😂
OP posts:
theworldsastage · 25/11/2021 11:47

3/4 months in, were you sleeping with him?

Whilst dating multiple people at the same time is now normal over here (as much as I hate it!), I think it's unacceptable to sleep with different people if they don't all know upfront what the situation is. Just grim.

HirplesWithHaggis · 25/11/2021 11:47

@tulips27

As someone who is 40, when and why did we import this American concept of "exclusivity"? It used to be the case that if you were seeing someone you were automatically exclusive. Some American imports are great but this seems like a retrograde step.
My mum is 88 and dated more than one guy at once, before settling with my dad. It was absolutely the "done thing" then, and not an American import.
Original poster
mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:48

@WindyWindsor

If you were seeing eachother and talking all the time for 4 months and he was sleeping with both of you through that before making his mind up then I would say that is pretty damn slimy of him yes.
Thank you. That's exactly how I feel. He said I should get over it as he liked me better and cut contact with her and that was years ago I don't think I want to get over it... I have the right to be annoyed( I think )
OP posts:
mewkins · 25/11/2021 11:51

@tulips27

As someone who is 40, when and why did we import this American concept of "exclusivity"? It used to be the case that if you were seeing someone you were automatically exclusive. Some American imports are great but this seems like a retrograde step.
I was just thinking the same. Back in the old days you were going out or not. If you were seeing someone else as well you were two-timing.

Though to be fair 'dating' didn't really exist. You were going out or not. Grin

ANameChangeAgain · 25/11/2021 11:52

I think we've all had overlaps, but once someone has boyfriend / girlfriend / partner status then its reasonable to assume exclusivity. I think online dating has changed the way we look at things, and casually dating a couple of people at a time is normal now, unfortunately.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/11/2021 12:03

@mumhana

I always thought that once you've had a few dates with someone (exclusive or not) and you get on etc. Plan future dates, talk everyday... I thought you shouldn't date someone else.. and if you do then tell me. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I don't like the thought of being picked out of the 2 Oh I'm scared to ask if he was sleeping with her too .. I think I know the answer
That's the way I would think as well but not everyone does so I'd let it go personally
MrzClaus · 25/11/2021 12:15

I don't think you have a right to be annoyed - you didn't have the "exclusive" chat until 6/7 months in when you became bf/gf (if I've understood your posts correctly). So if he stopped seeing them after 3/4 months, that was obviously when he thought things were getting serious - and it was pre exclusivity chat, so there's nothing he's done wrong IMO. If you'd asked him at the time / you'd both had the chat about it then I'd be more on your line of thinking!

I would think it hadn't come out because why would he announce it a few years later? From reading your posts it happened months before you became exclusive, so a non issue and not really something I'd mention iyswim?

amylou8 · 25/11/2021 12:28

@tulips27

As someone who is 40, when and why did we import this American concept of "exclusivity"? It used to be the case that if you were seeing someone you were automatically exclusive. Some American imports are great but this seems like a retrograde step.
So you're free to see as many people as you want until you explicitly agree otherwise? Nah sorry one at a time is polite.
KUdos6 · 25/11/2021 12:28

Was exclusivity a thing 5 years plus ago though? Presumably you have been with him 7/8 years if married for 5.

I wouldn’t be overly happy to find this out. I’m sure if the boot was on the other foot, he wouldn’t be either.

HollowTalk · 25/11/2021 12:55

@tulips27

As someone who is 40, when and why did we import this American concept of "exclusivity"? It used to be the case that if you were seeing someone you were automatically exclusive. Some American imports are great but this seems like a retrograde step.
That's exactly what I think! And in the US they weren't sleeping with each other (necessarily) - just going on dates. I think if you're sleeping with someone, unless it's an agreed FWB situation, then you're exclusive.
FlowerFlour · 25/11/2021 13:10

If it was all so innocent and unreproachable why are you only finding out now? He knew you would be pissed off so he kept it a secret.

I understand with online dating you might meet a few 'potentials' once or twice, but regularly dating and sleeping with more than one person for months, while holding onto your "Well technically I didnt say we were exclusive" get-out-of-jail-free card is sleazy.

KrisAkabusi · 25/11/2021 13:16

Are you going to ask this every week until you get the answer you want?

girlmom21 · 25/11/2021 13:21

I think 3 or 4 months in you're definitely in relationship territory.

I wouldn't accept 3 or 4 weeks crossover but id have made that clear at the start of the relationship but I think regardless of that, 3 or 4 months in you're committing a lot of time and energy to someone.

Gottahavehighhopes · 25/11/2021 13:24

Did you meet online?

I'm your DH in my relationship

Me and DW met online. I had just joined and had a flurry of dates and interest, where she was at the point where there was only a few people new each week.

Lots of people messaged, so I responded to the ones I was interested in, and went on a few dates with a handful.

My first few dates with DW were spread out due to her other commitments, so I had seen people in between. It didn't seem right to only reply to one person at once, as people often fizzle out quickly and not many get to the date stage. Equally I didn't want to then ghost people to suddenly reappear because another first date was disastrous

You'll find on mn lots of people complaining and not interested in people if they don't respond initially, or stop responding then reappear.

I assumed that this was how everyone did online dating, but when it came up later DW was horrified

In my experience with online dating its much more common to see multiple people at once