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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that he's dated someone else at the same time??

83 replies

mumhana · 25/11/2021 11:24

Been married for 5 years and just found out that my DH dated someone else at the same time he was dating me, it was in the early stages and He stopped seeing her 3/4 months into our dating time.
AIBU for being annoyed? He says we weren't in a relationship then and were just dating but I am shocked!
In those 3 months we were going for dates every week. He always came across as such a trustable guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumhana · 25/11/2021 15:55

@sandy354

2 questions from me:

  1. How did your DH react when his friends mentioned it? I think this will give you good insight as if he genuinely thought he wasn't doing anything wrong and that 'it's just how the world of dating works' then he would assume it wasn't a big revelation. Did he assume you already knew and had also been dating other people during this period? Or was it more of "oh shit I've been caught out and mumhana is going to be upset/angry?

  2. how has he reacted to your upset since you did find out? Has he been apologetic and reassuring or does he not understand why you're feeling the way you are?

He wasn't angry about his friend mentioning this to me. He was there and wasn't shocked at all. They (his mates) were all sharing their stories about multi dating etc He isn't apologetic about it at all. Says that's who he was and that's what people do as we weren't in a relationship. He said that if he knew then that we would end up working out and getting married etc he would've ended any contact with the other one but he didn't know that at the time and it's whats happened and "everyone does it" 🤨 I think I'm over it as it was 8 years ago and ultimately it doesn't matter anymore. Just wish I knew then ..
OP posts:
sandy354 · 25/11/2021 16:11

My view is that multi-dating is common (particularly with OLD) these days and nobody should Assume they're exclusive without it being agreed.

I'm only recently single after 20 years so this was new to me but his reaction sounds as though he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at all, which ties up with it being "the norm"

strivingtosucceed · 25/11/2021 17:38

I think unless you've confirmed exclusivity then you can't really be too upset if the other person isn't exclusive, there's no lying involved in this case.

I don't know how close you were after 4 months or how often you saw, but i'd agree that it's probably a bit longer than most people would need to decide on whether they wanted to be exclusive with someone or not. But I realise that guys have very different ideas about this than women do.

Skysblue · 25/11/2021 19:58

Yanbu. This whole idea has come over from America that it’s absolutely fine to date and even sleep with several partners at the same time, without mentioning it to any of them that this is happening, unless some kind of formal chat has been had where the words are said “we agree to be exclusive”.

Weird.

I don’t think that idea has ever been widely adoped in UK, in none of my twelve relationships did we ever discuss whether or not we were ‘exclusive’ or ‘just dating’ or what. As soon as we started flirting/kissing/ calling each other girlfriend etc, that meant no one else was on the scene. Otherwise it’s cheating, using, stringing someone along, etc etc.

I’d be looking at DH slightly differently. And the fact that your DH concealed this from you for 5 years shows he knows it wasn’t ok.

BigYellowHat · 25/11/2021 19:59

Why is he bringing it up now? That’s what I’d want to know.

girlmom21 · 25/11/2021 22:20

@BigYellowHat

Why is he bringing it up now? That’s what I’d want to know.
He didn't...
Frannyhy · 26/11/2021 13:43

I’d bet money that he ghosted the other woman.

dabbydeedoo · 26/11/2021 13:54

I absolutely loathe modern dating culture from America and this is why.

It used to be a no brainer that once you were seeing someone regularly, it was exclusive. There was no need to ask or have a chat because it was just expected. Now, thanks to this shitty American culture where it's acceptable to multi date, you can't just 'see where it goes' and relax. If you care about your sexual health at all, you need to have a talk and ask if you're exclusive. It takes away the natural flow and forces an awkward, unpleasant conversation.

I think the idea of being sexually active with multiple people and not being open about it is deplorable and I hate how so many people now think it's normal. It's disgusting and dangerous.

Lavender24 · 26/11/2021 15:04

@HarrietsChariot

If you have a second date with someone then it's "exclusive" unless everyone agrees otherwise.
Ah back with more trolling.
Lavender24 · 26/11/2021 15:05

@BigYellowHat

Why is he bringing it up now? That’s what I’d want to know.
His friend accidentally outed him.
furbabymama87 · 26/11/2021 15:09

I don't understand people who date around at the same time. What's wrong with just seeing one person because you really like them rather than desperately dating around hoping to find the one. Life is not an episode of Sex and the City.

sandy354 · 26/11/2021 18:41

A lot of you (including me) might not like modern dating and the fact that people date around but it's the way it is.

The only solution is to be upfront that you don't like and agree that you're not dating other people at the same time and are interested in dating someone who is. There's nothing wrong with having that as a boundary and sticking to it.

However, it's the way the vast majority of the population date these days so you can't expect the people you're dating to be pshyhic and Kent this is how you feel. You need to have an actual adult conversation about it

You can't assume that because you're not comfortable with the 'norm' that the other person isn't either

Ps he wasn't 'outed' by his friend. His friend mentioned it in front of OP as if it wouldn't be an issue (OPs DH and his friend obviously assumed the OP wouldve been aware he was dating around as why wouldn't he be?). Her DHs reaction shows he didn't believe he was doing anything wrong and he was surprised it was news to her - backing up that fact that as far as he's concerned it's the 'norm'

Boygeorgiesblackneck · 26/11/2021 18:45

If he was shagging you both at the same time that's just grim

Viviennemary · 26/11/2021 18:45

Who cares. It was five years ago. Too late to make a fuss now.

housemaus · 26/11/2021 19:49

@HarrietsChariot

If you have a second date with someone then it's "exclusive" unless everyone agrees otherwise.
That's your rule, though. Not a universal one that everyone agrees with and abides by.

My rule is not assuming exclusivity unless it's been discussed. And far from being some newfangled American import, my grandma met my grandad in the early 50s and she was going on dates with him and another man from her uni at the same time, until she decided she liked my grandad better.

scarpa · 26/11/2021 20:02

@furbabymama87

I don't understand people who date around at the same time. What's wrong with just seeing one person because you really like them rather than desperately dating around hoping to find the one. Life is not an episode of Sex and the City.
Nothing wrong with seeing one person because you really like them.

Nothing wrong with dating more people because you enjoy their company & meeting new people, and aren't ready to lock yourself into exclusively dating one person.

Nayday · 26/11/2021 20:35

I'm not exactly sure what you want to achieve here?! It wasn't cheating in his eyes, he called it off when things got more serious and you're now happily married?!

I don't think the exclusive thing is a US thing either, back in the dark 90's if you were seeing someone it was "just shagging" unless they'd shuffled over with their hooch, baggy jeans and naf naf t-shirt and said "d"ya wanna be my girlfriend". Height of romance.
Similar in the 00's, you were "seeing" each other but there would be some kind of nod to when it turned into an official relationship.

TractorAndHeadphones · 26/11/2021 20:49

Hrmmm I don’t think he did anything wrong.
If your used to dating one person at a time it’s obvious.
However with OLD you meet a lot of people you click with so it’s normal to date multiple people until one of you says it’s exclusive. Of course sometimes it’s obvious too when you spend a lot of time with one person meeting very regularly multiple times a week but otherwise a few months is normal.

dabbydeedoo · 26/11/2021 22:56

@Nayday but it was still exclusive. You certainly wouldn't have expected someone you were 'seeing' in the nineties to be shagging multiple other people. Same with @housemaus grandmother, I'm sure she wasn't sleeping with various men.

The issue here is the sex, really, isn't it? Going to the cinema or out for a milkshake with different people isn't remotely the same as sleeping with them. Having multiple partners is a significant sexual health risk. That's just a fact. Even if it's protected sex, you can still get plenty of STIs just from skin to skin contact.

Summerdayshaze · 27/11/2021 00:17

I’d struggle to get over that.

CharlotteRose90 · 27/11/2021 01:02

Sadly it’s normal these days and before that to date a couple people till you feel that connection to one. In your shoes though I’d be forever wondering if he picked you first or whether he picked her and she said no sorry .

Im currently going on dates with 2 separate men but I haven’t slept with either of them and I won’t till I know which one. It happens.

WomanStanleyWoman · 27/11/2021 03:23

Get a grip !

TomPinch · 27/11/2021 03:36

Random historical tangent.

I recently watched a DVD of British public information films on sex ed (go on, laugh then).

The assumption in those films was that exclusivity wasn't a thing (although, to be fair, nor was pre-marital sex, unless you fancied a trip to the clap clinic.)

You checked a) each other out b) you got engaged c) you got married weeks later. Exclusivity happened around stage b)

The point is that it's not just a recent American import.

ISpyCobraKai · 27/11/2021 04:23

Really?
What a nothing.

Aussiegirl123456 · 27/11/2021 04:45

Oh gawd, I’ve been married sixteen years and we haven’t had the exclusivity chat yet. Didn’t even know it was a thing, yikes *rushes off to chat to the hubster to ask!