To be annoyed that he's dated someone else at the same time??

[mumhana]

Been married for 5 years and just found out that my DH dated someone else at the same time he was dating me, it was in the early stages and He stopped seeing her 3/4 months into our dating time.
AIBU for being annoyed? He says we weren't in a relationship then and were just dating but I am shocked!
In those 3 months we were going for dates every week. He always came across as such a trustable guy.

How long have you been together in total?

I think it’s a bit sly of him tbh. If he doesn’t think it’s a really that big of a deal why didn’t he mention at the time he wasn’t only dating you?

How's it confusing? OP obviously thought they were exclusive.

The problem was OP ASSUMED they were exclusive - I'd have expected exclusivity before 3-4months but it wouldn't have been assumed

@Gottahavehighhopes

Did you meet online?

I'm your DH in my relationship

Me and DW met online. I had just joined and had a flurry of dates and interest, where she was at the point where there was only a few people new each week.

Lots of people messaged, so I responded to the ones I was interested in, and went on a few dates with a handful.

My first few dates with DW were spread out due to her other commitments, so I had seen people in between. It didn't seem right to only reply to one person at once, as people often fizzle out quickly and not many get to the date stage. Equally I didn't want to then ghost people to suddenly reappear because another first date was disastrous

You'll find on mn lots of people complaining and not interested in people if they don't respond initially, or stop responding then reappear.

I assumed that this was how everyone did online dating, but when it came up later DW was horrified

In my experience with online dating its much more common to see multiple people at once

We met on a night out. The other one he met online.. that's exactly what he's saying, he didn't want to stop dating & messaging the other one as often people get bored after a few dates or for different reasons it doesn't work out. But once he realised we were 'perfect' for each other he stopped any contact with the other one. I still think that my DH was disrespectful. I will have to let it go at some point as I won't ask for a divorce over this. I'll just be annoyed for a few more weeks 😂

@Crunchymum

How long have you been together in total?

Together 8 years

@sandy354

How's it confusing? OP obviously thought they were exclusive.

The problem was OP ASSUMED they were exclusive - I'd have expected exclusivity before 3-4months but it wouldn't have been assumed

We never really had the "exclusive chat" after 7/8 months I asked if we were bf /gf he said of course we are. But he didn't think over 30s have the exclusive chat and in his opinion it was more of a teenager thing to chat about exclusivity

I'd be pissed off as well. You should have known about this years ago, it's weird. I mean, I know you're married now and all that, but it's the principle.

Having said all that, as someone with a 24 yr old dd who goes on dates, the layers to it all these days are ridiculous. Seeing, dating, shagging, exclusive... They're all separate. Complicated as fuck.

If you have a second date with someone then it's "exclusive" unless everyone agrees otherwise.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel.
He said I should get over it as he liked me better and cut contact with her and that was years ago

For me it would be the fact it apparently took 3 to 4 months for him to decide he actually liked me better...

@Returnoftheowl

*Thank you. That's exactly how I feel. He said I should get over it as he liked me better and cut contact with her and that was years ago*

For me it would be the fact it apparently took 3 to 4 months for him to decide he actually liked me better...

Haha can't wait to point this out to the cheeky bugger once he's home from work. He probably thinks I'm over it by now. I knew I liked him after our 1st date 🤪

@KrisAkabusi

Are you going to ask this every week until you get the answer you want?

?

I'm guessing the other one dumped him then. Ouch.

But what is there to gain by continuing to let this bug you? You seem to have a healthy relationship. So why not try to let this go? I fail to see any upside of choosing to hold onto this as an issue, wasting energy worrying about something from 8 years ago that has had no impact on your current relationship.

I don’t think he did anything wrong to be honest. If you wanted exclusivity then you should have had a conversation to discuss! I’ve been dating for the past 12 months and have dated more than 1 person at a time, when I met my now boyfriend in August, after a couple of weeks chatting online (there is a physical distance between us) we had our first date where he made it clear he wanted it to be exclusive from that point and it was a dealbreaker for him. I liked him a lot so was happy to agree but we did at least discuss it!

This thread, with the same situation and almost the same wording, from an OP with no previous posts, has come up at least three times in three weeks. If it's not you, I apologise.

How did you find out OP? Not a nice thing to hear. I think it would change the way I felt about my DH tbh

@SergeantCatFlap

But what is there to gain by continuing to let this bug you? You seem to have a healthy relationship. So why not try to let this go? I fail to see any upside of choosing to hold onto this as an issue, wasting energy worrying about something from 8 years ago that has had no impact on your current relationship.

Yes you are right. There's nothing to gain. I definitely need to let it go. Maybe he can treat me to a date every week for the next 3/4 months to make up for it 😂

@KrisAkabusi

This thread, with the same situation and almost the same wording, from an OP with no previous posts, has come up at least three times in three weeks. If it's not you, I apologise.

Oh not me. But good to know I'm not the only one 😂 I just wanted to know how would other feel about this situation

@XiCi

How did you find out OP? Not a nice thing to hear. I think it would change the way I felt about my DH tbh

One of his friends mentioned it on a night out after many drinks. (So all of his mates who were ushers at our wedding knew ) apparently they all did it at some point and "it's the only way to find love" these days 🙄

@mumhana

I always thought that once you've had a few dates with someone (exclusive or not) and you get on etc. Plan future dates, talk everyday... I thought you shouldn't date someone else.. and if you do then tell me. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I don't like the thought of being picked out of the 2 Oh I'm scared to ask if he was sleeping with her too .. I think I know the answer

Thats how I'd think too. Hate this having to ask to be exclusive shit. If I invest more than a couple of dates in someone and theres potential there, I don't expect him to be also sticking it to someone else. how is that building a relationship?

And a few months in is pretty shitty of him, especially as he'd of known surely that you thought it was just the 2 of you. And you were sleeping together. And why did it take him so long to get rid of the other 'potential'?
I'll bet she actually got rid of him when she found out they were not exclusive either!

And No i don't think you should have to just get over it.
Its something I don't think I'd get over at the drop of a hat. He was cheating on you basically. Until he'd made up his mind. What a head fuck.

I can totally understand why you're annoyed by it, but equally understand why it would have happened if you hadn't spoken about exclusively seeing each other.

Previous posters are totally right, with online dating (although that's not how the two of you met), there's often cross overs.

I was seeing 2 guys at the same time, and although nor for as long as your DH, I never felt bad about it, as we'd never said we were exclusively dating each other.

After a while I realised I was way more interested in one over the other, we clicked better, so I stopped seeing the other one.

Sounds like that's exactly what happened with your DH, though why it took him that long to realise you were better matched is anyone's guess.

I'd be fine with a month or so of overlap but after 4 months my DH and I were pretty close (I think I met his parents around 4-5 months?) and I'd have been a bit upset as well. After 8 years though, I think you should try and let it go. It was crossed wires about what you both expected at that time, not being untrustworthy.

To me, the dating itself isn't an issue. Even if you didn't know until after... But finding out after so long is weird. His friends all keeping it "secret" is weird.

Honestly, when I first opened the thread, I rolled my eyes. Its just dating etc. But as I read further it made me feel a bit odd.

@HarrietsChariot

If you have a second date with someone then it's "exclusive" unless everyone agrees otherwise.

Thats not a universal rule, it might be your rule but its unfair to assume everyone would know that

2 questions from me:

1. How did your DH react when his friends mentioned it? I think this will give you good insight as if he genuinely thought he wasn't doing anything wrong and that 'it's just how the world of dating works' then he would assume it wasn't a big revelation. Did he assume you already knew and had also been dating other people during this period? Or was it more of "oh shit I've been caught out and mumhana is going to be upset/angry?

2. how has he reacted to your upset since you did find out? Has he been apologetic and reassuring or does he not understand why you're feeling the way you are?