DH job choice, AIBU to feel taken advantage of

[1frenchfoodie]

After 5 years of not working due to my job (took us overseas, he never sufficiently grasped the language) we are back in the UK and my DH is due to start a part time (3 month) job working nights monday evening - saturday mornin next month. It is manual warehouse work, not in his skills area.

He was approached about a permanent job in his field (IT) today working Tue-Sat days for the same hourly wage but with chance of overtime. The job would start 10 days sooner. AIBU to feel annoyed he turned it down?

We have another move planned in April so it might not have gone beyond then but that would be 6 months of experience in his skills area but months more of being a 2 wage family for the first time since 2016.

He said he wanted saturdays with the family but as it is he’d be coming in from a 8h overnight shift at 7am on sat so days out dont feel very feasible. He also knows IT jobs are finished when they are finished so there would be overtime hours vs the totally predictable hours of the warehouse job.

I’ve just cleared a vey large (thousands) long overdue tax bill of his from our savings so maybe I am not being wholly rational??

My husband works in IT. He should have taken the IT job. Wouldn't it have paid much better than the warehouse work?

In the US IT people rarely have trouble finding work unless their skills are badly out of date.

I dont know OP. He has facilitated your job overseas for 5 years he has got a job even though you're planning on moving again soon, and you're still annoyed because it's not the job that you wanted him to have? Unless there is a backstory eg the move overseas was because he wanted to and you did it for him, I think you are being harsh

What’s his tax bill from if he’s not worked for over 5 years?

Honestly if he can’t work mostly because of your job and he supports that then I don’t see why he also has to pick what you want for himself for the few months he can work. YANBU to feel annoyed, but I can’t see how he’s taking advantage form what you’ve said.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I dont know OP. He has facilitated your job overseas for 5 years he has got a job even though you're planning on moving again soon, and you're still annoyed because it's not the job that you wanted him to have? Unless there is a backstory eg the move overseas was because he wanted to and you did it for him, I think you are being harsh

Facilitated? Or is a free loader…?

Of course he should have taken the IT job. This would be a dealbreaker for me after you’ve just paid thousands off for him.

hmmm I’m on the fence here, if your moving again and he’s not looking for a career role right now, personally I’d take the warehouse role. Seems like and easier job and a lot less stress for the same money.

If it was longer term/putting down roots then I’d have gone for the IT job.

It’s a tricky one. Yes the “right” thing would have been to take the IT job, but can you not understand how expecting him to be career focused, but also put your job first, is a bit much?!

He should absolutely work, but it’s hard to keep motivation when you know your job comes second.

He sounds a right lazy arse. He spent five YEARS not working because he didn't speak the language? He's in IT - he could've set up on his own and worked for Fiverr and PeoplePerHour etc in that time, even if he'd had to learn new skills.

So now his IT skills are five years out of date and he's taken a manual job, thinking he could return to IT any time he wanted?

When was his tax bill due? Why is it still being paid five years on?

The tax bill was from 2013-15, he is hopeless at admin and kept tellling me it was an error and/ or he was sorting it.

Good challenge on me wanting him not to work when it suits me and to choose the job I favour when it suits me. In fact we’d both hoped he could work when we moved to France, and paid for 2years of french lessons but he never got beyond the absolute basics. I though I’d inadvertently and forever damaged his IT prospects so the chance to get back in to the industry seemed a no brainer. I know he wants the less challenging prospect but I cant help feeling less of him.

Yabu. His decision as to which job he wants. Think it's disgusting that you think less of him because of it.

He will be shattered working constant nights. It will not be conducive to family life.

It is a silly choice to make of the two options. Yes I would be exasperated with that choice.

Jesus as a self employed person I had no idea you could get away with not paying tax for this long. Yiu can get ccj or similar or prosecuted. Do you own your own home? He's jeopardising yuur financially stability and chances of borrowing in future. Sound like this job shiz is not your only problem.

If this was posted in reverse, and it was the woman who'd supported her DH working abroad, the man would get an avalanche of abuse on here.

Expecting anyone to get a job in France from a standing start in the French (assuming that they didn't have a real facility for language) is a bit of a non-starter. The French have no time and few (if any) adaptations for someone not extremely fluent in French. Germany maybe. France, really not.

"
If this was posted in reverse, and it was the woman who'd supported her DH working abroad, the man would get an avalanche of abuse on here."

No no no. It's been clarified now. Ex pat women who don't work are freeloaders and if on their return home to blighty don't immediately pick up where they left off in the manner which they're husband deem fit then the husband should be disgusted by them.

Think you have pinned down my feeling @HopelesslydevotedtoGu - exasperated. I’m not raging (and would not have the right to be).

To be fair @saraclara both of us knowing France (it is where we met, he was an IT contractor for an international firm) we didnt think 2 years of daily french lessons was an impossible route to say c1 level for a job in IT in France given his skill set. He speaks reasonable german, learned as an adult. But we now know he is not ready for another language. lesson learnt.

I wonder if there might be a bit more going on here psychologically that you're not allowing for? If you'd both accepted that his IT career was pretty much written off but hadn't initially thought that when you moved I imagine that was quite a big transition for him, and something he had come to terms with. Going 'back' could be quite a fraught thing.

It's not the same but maybe comparable - I changed careers after having children, and my old career was more of a passion than my new one (though it also had huge downsides practically and in terms of what it demanded, so I felt very conflicted about it even pre-children). DH has suggested a couple of times that I do things that would allow me to 'dabble' in my old career, which a lot of people do. But I really strongly don't want to because it would be a bit painful; I'm happy overall with the choice I made to do something more stable and less demanding, but I do have some regret and that's not really a box I want to open. If he left a career for your job and has accepted that's what he's done and rationalised it to himself then that might be a chapter that he thinks is best closed.

I have been in your husband’s situation and went with him when he got a job in France and our kids were tiny. We were there for years, and although I learnt enough French to have simple conversations with people, there was no chance of me getting a job there. Even for the simplest jobs, I would never had been picked over a native French person.

Based on that, I think you should be happy with whatever your husband choses to do work wise going forward. He has been there for you, and that gas definitely had a negative effect on his career. Maybe he didn’t feel confident he could jump straight into an IT job after so many years away. After 5 years, lots of things would have changed in his field.

In fact we’d both hoped he could work when we moved to France, and paid for 2years of french lessons but he never got beyond the absolute basics.

With just 2 years of lessons, you'd probably be lucky to make it to GCSE level.

The IT job can't be offering much in the way of skills if it only pays the same hourly rate as a manual warehouse job.

Was he looking after your kids while you did your big job? You're being a bit of a dick if so.

Sorry, didn’t go with OP’s DH to France, it was my own DH😂.

@Neonplant HMRC add on late fees and daily charges, years and years worth of them. It is depressing to think how little of what was paid off related to actual unpaid tax.

It is definately colouring my view of his recent decision. And why I am looking for some perspective here as I feel like a bit of an arse judging him at all.

* He has facilitated your job overseas for 5 years he has got a job even though you're planning on moving again soon, and you're still annoyed because it's not the job that you wanted him to have?*

^This. You hard like too much hard work OP.

Name changed (I hope!)

Having been the trailing spouse, please have some sympathy for your husband. It is incredibly nerve wracking giving up everything to follow the dream of your spouse. But it is 1000 times worse coming back and being expected to pick up where you left off. I volunteered abroad, but couldn't secure a job that wouldnt have meant a live in nanny, which wasnt what we wanted for the kids. So I was a SAHP for 5 years. Coming back and applying for jobs, let alone getting one (at half the salary, 1/3 of the takehome due to the hours) was hard work. I was physically sick with nerves the first morning I went to work. A year later I'm in a much better place, but it has taken time to build back my confidence. I'm not sure I could have put in that effort if there was a high chance it would all be lost again by another international move.

I typically say our move abroad was great for DH's career, great for the kids, and crap for me. As a family it was totally the right thing to do. Individually, it was not.

Your husband may totally have lost confidence in his abilities at work, and sees the warehouse job as a first step. Let him follow his choices, and forge his own path amongst the changes your career cause. Support him, encourage him, but let him have some control over his destiny.

I think getting to C1 in 2 years is a bit of a stretch tbh

No he wasnt looking after kids so I did my ‘big job’ we paid for nursery so he could do daily french classes (4h taught a day) and then shared school pick up and drop off. I promise the big job was really not that big and swanky. As a one income family we did not have any overseas holidays or expensive hobbies. I’m not hoping he can work to pay for horse bridles, just make our income match our outgoings.

Think you make a really good point @Hardbackwriter we used to joke that I’d accidentally retired him early. And I think he is a bit worried about going back in to IT. That said, he was only approached because he uploaded his CV, I’d not pushed him to find a certain type of job or even work at all. Hence feeling a bit thrown by feeling so aggrieved by his choice and lack of openess on reasons. I clearly need to work on my feelings.

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun it is not the issue here but 600h is a good no of hours to reach C1 (my employers allow a lot less) particularly living in the country of the target language. 4h taught daily for 2 academic years didnt feel unrealistic to get to this level. But it wasnt to be.

Thanks @anonononon really good perspective here from the other side of things. I know I’m bringing a lot of emotions to this that are unfair.