DH job choice, AIBU to feel taken advantage of

[1frenchfoodie]

After 5 years of not working due to my job (took us overseas, he never sufficiently grasped the language) we are back in the UK and my DH is due to start a part time (3 month) job working nights monday evening - saturday mornin next month. It is manual warehouse work, not in his skills area.

He was approached about a permanent job in his field (IT) today working Tue-Sat days for the same hourly wage but with chance of overtime. The job would start 10 days sooner. AIBU to feel annoyed he turned it down?

We have another move planned in April so it might not have gone beyond then but that would be 6 months of experience in his skills area but months more of being a 2 wage family for the first time since 2016.

He said he wanted saturdays with the family but as it is he’d be coming in from a 8h overnight shift at 7am on sat so days out dont feel very feasible. He also knows IT jobs are finished when they are finished so there would be overtime hours vs the totally predictable hours of the warehouse job.

I’ve just cleared a vey large (thousands) long overdue tax bill of his from our savings so maybe I am not being wholly rational??

Was he actually having time to go out and about to use the language he was learning?

Ditch the bum

@Lougle yes - we paid for full time nursery for the 2x years he was taking classes and after that he was free during the school day. I am honestly not bothered that he wasn’t much good at French. I was just trying to make the point we chose a country he knows (we met when he was working in IT in France, albeit for an international firm sending teams all over the place), had basic school instruction in and didnt set a crazy goal re the level and pace to get to a level where job hunting would be possible.

As the answers are coming in I’m reflecting and actually I think what is exasperating me is the active choice to work nights. I think I’d seen nights as a something he was prepared to do because he had to, not an active choice. Maybe it wont mess up his sleeping for the whole weekend and we’ll be fine.

Yeah, nights wouldnt have been my first choice either. But, has he actually got this IT job and declined it? Or has he been invited to interview? And has he actually declined it as he thinks he won't get it? Or is he saying he's declined it?

Permanent nights arent going to be conductive to family Sundays either, if he is going to need to be back on nights by Monday.....

Hi @anonononon he had an interview by phone and was offered a second and final interview. But he has told them he isnt interested. The start would be next week giving a couple of weeks to figure out if it was for him before the nights job is due to start.

I am hoping for family sundays as 5 night week starts 22.30 Monday - but I dont think you can just switch from sleeping days to nights and with winter coming I’m a bit worried about being stuck in, trying to be quiet so daddy can sleep. He did night before pre kids, it just feels a very different prospect now.

Nights are hard and they get harder as you get older.

So he has the job doing nights but didn't want to go for the final interview for the IT / day job?

It does sound like there is something else going on (although I cannot really think what it could be? lack of confidence?) most people would pick the job with better hours / salary in their field.

When and where are you moving? Is this for your work? Will your DH struggle to find work again?

Hi @Crunchymum yes I think there may be confidence issues. He is not one to open up and I dont want to probe too much or it all looks like picking apart a job we are both grateful he has.

The next move is to his longheld dream ‘if you could live anywhere in the world’ destination and he persuaded me to go for it, compromising on the job along the way. Living there as an anglophone will be easier than France was for him. He’d have a slog to get work in his field there, less so more casual stuff. But we factored in a possibility of no work when deciding to go for it.

Unless he has some sort of special needs you haven’t mentioned I think he sounds lazy. Outstanding tax issues from nearly ten years ago. FOUR HOURS of French lessons every weekday, kids in FT nursery and he still didn’t learn enough of the language to work?

Some people love nights because in some jobs they’re quieter so they have a nice relaxing time. You also conveniently opt out of the majority of parenting because you need to sleep most of the day.

You're not being at all rational. Presumably you both agreed to prioritise your career over his when you both chose to spend five years in a foreign country. It was unrealistic of you to assume that two or even five years of language instruction would guarantee the level of fluency needed to work in a professional capacity. At any rate, it was clear two years in that he wasn't going to learn French, and you chose to stay there with him not working for three more years. And now you're angry about paying the tax bill that he can't pay himself because he had no income for five years because you decided your job was more important than his. Lovely.

If he really wanted to work in IT, that situation would have been completely unfair to him, to the point where most men would have given ultimatums or just up and left well before five years. The fact that he didn't really want to work in IT anyway probably had a lot to do with his continued acceptance of living in a country where he couldn't. But him not really wanting to work in IT is no longer convenient for you, so suddenly it's a huge problem and all his fault.

And not only that, you think less of him for it. So do I, for being married to you. Good God, OP, you're awful. I say that as someone who's a sole wage earner supporting a SAH spouse. There's something seriously wrong with you if you think he's the problem here.

If the next job is to his destination with no language barriers I’d be very keen for him to get a decent job there. He’s compromised for your work, now you’re compromising and that should be for his work not just his dream destination.
That said on its own you can’t blame him for passing on the it job. It sounds like he might need both a confidence boost and a bit of a kick too to get back in IT. I’d say I don’t mind you not going for the it job as we are only here 5 months but I’m worried it’s a lack of confidence which isn’t merited, you know you can do the job :) Do you want to talk about it? This next destination does need you to get a career job so better to talk to some recruiters now etc and work on any obstacles you see.

@PurpleOkapi the tax bill was from a period he was working full time (2013-15). We made financial decisions over those and subsequent years that would have been different if I’d realised there were thousands in unpaid taxes building up. I dont think I said I was angry over it. But I am exasperated.

I came on here to say you were being a bit unreasonable as I’ve been the travelling spouse. But I don’t think you are. 2 years of full time french lessons and nursery on one salary? And he didn’t achieve the basics? Faffing around with a tax bill that has now wiped out your savings? Sorry I think is horrendous behaviour on his part. I would be lining up some couples therapy at the very least. I would also be thinking very careful about the next move. Do you want to saddled with someone who is so financially irresponsible? Have you had a proper discussion as to why he won’t take an IT job? I agree there maybe some confidence issues, but he needs to talk to you about them.

I have moved 4 countries with my husband (and now children) and I am well aware of how tough it can be. But this sounds like such a soft landing for him and he still didn’t get his act together. I also think you do have a right to be angry about the tax bill. This stuff can’t just be ignored.

Four hours of French language classes every day! Poor guy! That really is a way to make someone hate a language. It sounds like torture.
Two hours formal learning a day as an absolute maximum (even this is too much) topped up with lots of interaction in the actual country, radio, film, conversation group etc is a much better way. People learn when they are rested and relaxed! Not when your brain has been killed for sitting in a classroom four hours a day, every day, learning the same language.

I am not in a good relationship. My partner changes jobs constantly. He chose to do warehouse work at night for a while. He was exhausted and very grumpy and couldn’t really do anything other than work. At the moment he is doing bar work at night which is better because the finishes are earlier. He does periodically start day jobs however in more skilled industries (he has done endless study too) but leaves these jobs quite quickly. He always has a justification that there is a fault with the job or the people who work there, but after many years, I have worked out that the fault must lie with him, for whatever reason. He also fairly regularly tells me he got offered a great job but turned it down. I have also worked out now that this is code for he didn’t get through the interview stage. Do you think there is any chance your partner didn’t actually get offered the final interview but said he turned it down to save face? I sympathise with your frustrations. But at the end of the day, you can’t force your choices on to him. You can lose respect however which is where I am at.

Again not really the issue but the 4h was 2x 2h classes daily with a break, and the class went on museum and countryside trips, food tours, concerts etc @Pancakeorcrepe

A single 4h lesson a day (plus another 4h self study) is my organisation’s norm for learning most European languages with about 9 months to get to C1. That is rough and not at all the pace we went for. He enjoyed the classes and made friends there, this wasn’t forced hothousing - it was worthwhile for non language reasons.

@saraclara

If this was posted in reverse, and it was the woman who'd supported her DH working abroad, the man would get an avalanche of abuse on here.

Expecting anyone to get a job in France from a standing start in the French (assuming that they didn't have a real facility for language) is a bit of a non-starter. The French have no time and few (if any) adaptations for someone not extremely fluent in French. Germany maybe. France, really not.

I was just going to say this. I moved overseas with DH for his job and even though I spoke the language, due to a different school/education system in my home country i wasnt qualified to work in my field over there. I told DH from the start that I will not be taking whatever job just so I have one. DH was ok with me staying home. I did literally nothing except get us settled the first year. Then I started doing part time jobs here and there for my own sanity, but once i got pregnant imI was a SAHM for the rest of the time. I started work again about a year ago after 6 years of being at home and i also took the easy part time option. Just to get into the whole rhythm of work again. It would have never even occurred to me going full time immediately.

I think YABU.

I have been a trailing spouse overseas and have moved a few times, having to give up my great job every time I did. When I moved back to the UK after not working for a while I had a massive crisis of confidence which put me off going back into my previous field.

I have a much lower-paid job now, which I enjoy, but I would be very upset and angry if my DH judged me for what I was doing and how little I was contributing when I facilitated his great career.

YABVVU.

Cripes the French lessons sound a bit like he's a child, no wonder he was miserable there and probably felt bad about not reaching your high expectations of what his grasp of the language should be.

If he didn't attend the final interview then he didn't really turn the job down, he turned the interview down- I would say probably his confidence in the sector has taken a knock by being out of it for years which is a long time in IT (by trailing you for your job no less). You also mention moving in 6 months, he probably doesn't want to get a job he enjoys and is leading him back to his career if he will have to leave again. If he was refusing to get any job then sure, but he's taking a job which will be hard work in honesty especially working nights, so he will be contributing.

If I had 5 years out of work, I’d struggle to find the confidence to go back to a ft job in my field. I appreciate the tax bill was very annoying but you need to separate the two issues. How much of the tax bill issue were you aware of? I can’t imagine my dh having a big debt and not telling me.

Well the HMRC needs sorting asap. Has he spoken to them recently. Have they agreed to stop the fees while the case is looked into? He needs to at least make a part payment asap.

Your partner followed you to France for YOUR job of choice, was stuck learning French 4 hours a day & now you're nagging him because he picked a different job than you expected of him?

Poor guy.

I still think it is too much, those concerts and food tours were probably twice a month, maximum. Leaving 18 days a month with four hours of classes a day! Yes of course they had a break in between each block of two hours, you say that as if it is a treat 😂 you keep talking about your organisation’s way of doing things, and C1 level. No other organisations out there use the C1 level, it really is only the EC institutions that use this. And some old fashioned language course providers. I have lived in various EU countries. It is unfair of you to hold your husband to some language level which doesn’t have bearing in the outside world! And using your organisation’s way of doing things (which sounds very behind the times) as some kind of benchmark for your husband. It’s been mentioned before in the thread that France has no adaptations for people who don’t speak the language perfectly. It was very unlikely he was ever going to be able to get a job there, unless he applied for organisations with English as a working language. OP you both need to communicate better with each other and you need to be more understanding, before resentment builds up too much.

@saraclara

If this was posted in reverse, and it was the woman who'd supported her DH working abroad, the man would get an avalanche of abuse on here.

Expecting anyone to get a job in France from a standing start in the French (assuming that they didn't have a real facility for language) is a bit of a non-starter. The French have no time and few (if any) adaptations for someone not extremely fluent in French. Germany maybe. France, really not.

100% this!

"We've been overseas for 5 years due to DH's job. I wasn't working over there as I struggled with the language despite lessons. Now we are home, I've found a job. It's a manual job on nights because it will allow some time with the DCs and I'll have the weekends off at least. There was another job but that means working all day every Saturday."

"DH is complaining that I should take the other job because it may bring in more money with some overtime, and it starts 10 weeks earlier so I would be earning sooner."

"AIBU?"

I can imagine how that would go down on here...