DH job choice, AIBU to feel taken advantage of

[1frenchfoodie]

After 5 years of not working due to my job (took us overseas, he never sufficiently grasped the language) we are back in the UK and my DH is due to start a part time (3 month) job working nights monday evening - saturday mornin next month. It is manual warehouse work, not in his skills area.

He was approached about a permanent job in his field (IT) today working Tue-Sat days for the same hourly wage but with chance of overtime. The job would start 10 days sooner. AIBU to feel annoyed he turned it down?

We have another move planned in April so it might not have gone beyond then but that would be 6 months of experience in his skills area but months more of being a 2 wage family for the first time since 2016.

He said he wanted saturdays with the family but as it is he’d be coming in from a 8h overnight shift at 7am on sat so days out dont feel very feasible. He also knows IT jobs are finished when they are finished so there would be overtime hours vs the totally predictable hours of the warehouse job.

I’ve just cleared a vey large (thousands) long overdue tax bill of his from our savings so maybe I am not being wholly rational??

He’s not making choices that invest in his skill set, that’s a shame. If he carries on his CV will increasingly look irrelevant to the IT market.

I wouldn't be overly happy in your situation either OP, as it must feel like he keeps pulling the rug out from you financially. I suspect there's more to the job choice than he's letting on though, such as he thought he'd fail the next round when he realised what skills they were looking for. Regardless, he should have been more honest with you about it.

If I were you I'd be considering whether the next move was really one you want to do though. It may be his dream location, but is it yours? It sounds right now like he's lining himself up to not work/only work minimally there, whilst you do the heavy lifting, which sounds great for him. Is this what you want? Is this a good career move for you, or more about facilitating a move to this location? Will you be stuck there if you hate it but he wants to stay due to the dc being resident there?

Trailing spouses should definitely get more leeway when it comes to their own career, but if he's driving the next move he also needs to be lining work up there. He shouldn't get to choose the next destination and also sit back playing the trailing spouse card. If this move is the best option for you to progress your career, fair enough. I wouldn't compromise your career though for his preferred location, unless that compromise allowed him to restart his career vs moving somewhere he can't work. If you've just wiped out all your savings, is moving again such a great idea? Would you be better off staying put for a bit longer so he can restart his career and then move somewhere you can both have careers?

I think you both made some bad decisions by staying in France so long with him doing FT language lessons and paying for a nursery. When it became clear he was not doing that well with the French you should have had a rethink. You could have moved back to UK sooner so he could return to work if you felt it unfair he was not earning, or he could have done the childcare and studied PT if you were both keen to stay in France.

Assuming he was working reasonably hard on his studies it must have been a bit of a blow to his confidence that he did not do well in the language and was pretty unproductive, while you were doing well in your career and bringing in all the income. So it's understandable after a long time out of the workforce and having not had a very successful time in the meanwhile that his confidence is low and he wants to start out with a low stress job that won't matter so much if he sucks at it.

@Starfish1021

I came on here to say you were being a bit unreasonable as I’ve been the travelling spouse. But I don’t think you are. 2 years of full time french lessons and nursery on one salary? And he didn’t achieve the basics? Faffing around with a tax bill that has now wiped out your savings? Sorry I think is horrendous behaviour on his part. I would be lining up some couples therapy at the very least. I would also be thinking very careful about the next move. Do you want to saddled with someone who is so financially irresponsible? Have you had a proper discussion as to why he won’t take an IT job? I agree there maybe some confidence issues, but he needs to talk to you about them.

Same. Having also been a trailing spouse. For starters he could have done a TEFL course and looked for work teaching English. It is more difficult in France to go this route than some other European countries, where English is more sought after. I didn’t have a child at the time. But I went to a class 4 hours a day for years and taught English before and after the classes.

@TatianaBis

We know a french couple and have done for 10 years. Despite having been here for longer than that, I still can't talk to the woman as he english is so bad. The man is fluent and we can meet as couples as he translates. She is very hard working and has a masters degree but just does not seem able to pick up languages.

She just hasn’t made the effort or hasn’t had the time, that’s all. Thousands of immigrants come to the UK with no English and learn enough of the language to get employment. Including many who did not have high education levels.

I also agree with this. Most of the people I went on the 4 hour a day course on were immigrants, many with children, some of whom had basic levels of education. The lessons were incredibly well taught but at a slow pace so they could keep up and the grammar driven home. After a couple of years, we could all talk to one another in the language.

@Feelingoktoday

Would we be saying the same about a woman who follows her partner around the world.

To be honest I think you are Being unreasonable. If my job took as around the world, moving all the time, uprooting from friends, leaving my partner unable to get established in a career, then I really wouldn’t expect them to work.

Re the languages. I’m terrible at foreign languages. Two years of tutor really isn’t much. There are many non English speakers in the U.K. who have been here for years.

Not the same, he didn't go as a SAHF, he failed to get any work, he could have stacked shelves in a supermarket at night in Leclerc with very limited French. He wasn't doing to anything except sitting around with students & relaxing. He could have got an IT job, its all been remote for 18 months now anyway. & he wasn't even able to own up to his tax fiasco

I've been a trailing spouse in France, I think he was a bit lazy tbh

For two years his job was to learn French, in France, it was absolutely fair to think he would get to B2/C1 level. That will get you a nightime warehouse job, which apparently he is happy to do. I say that as someone who really struggled with French so I know it's not easy.

But anyway there is so much remote IT work, I don't understand why he couldn't continue working in his field.

YANBU to not want him to work nights when he doesn't have to! Plenty of places crying out for daytime staff.

What is his actual skill set? ‘Working in IT’ covers a whole lot of skills and job roles.

Does he actually want to go back into IT? Is the warehouse job a low stress stop gap until the family moves abroad again?

The IT field he has skills in is network installations and stress testing vs something more suited to fully remote working such as programming. Which is why we went down the european job, long lead in to learn the language route. Going to France wasnt based on him getting a job (we were not naive about the competition) but the choice of France and investment in language classes was intended to make it feasible.

He would have said 6 weeks ago he wanted to get back in to IT, he uploaded his CV a few places, put feelers out etc - hence the approach for interview. I wonder if he is having second thoughts but hasnt really decided / come to terms with the decision.

It's a shame he couldn't learn much French on the 4hrs a day - if only for what the lessons cost. But it happens.

I think picking the warehouse job is a stress/confidence thing.

It's probably unchallenging ( in theory) and doesn't threaten his confidence which has probably taken a knock back by being out of work ( and possibly being so rubbish at learning a new skill re the French )

He did well to get the IT job and it is the logical one to go for - but if your confidence is low ( imposter syndrome anyone ?) why go for the stress of proving yourself and getting back on your game if you can take the unchallenging option. It's the same head in the sand thing re his tax bill.

I don't think you're being unreasonable here OP. Having him working nights will be a PITA when he could have been working days BUT I do think you're not being that sympathetic to how he could be feeling generally.

But you sound a reasonable person and he might need some moral support and confidence boosting rather than straight, practical logic.

I do think it's totally fair for him to not want to jump back into IT, his skills will be out of date and perhaps it's too much.

That doesn't mean he should take the first job that comes along, working nights will have a huge impact on the family and I really think he's being unreasonable.

OP I would support him not going for the IT interview but I would really push him to apply for warehouse or other work with daytime hours. It's not controlling to ask your spouse to take a job that doesn't have such a huge impact on the rest of the family, not when there are loads of options.

(If you are in London PM me as I can recommend a place)

I'd be annoyed too OP. He's put a huge hole in your family's finances, he should be motivated to do as much as he can to get you back on track.

Why is it a choice of two jobs? Could he keep looking for another?

Also unless you're wildly wealthy, I don't see why he didn't just get a manual job in France? Why was he swanning about in classes costing you nursery fees and tuition if he's happy doing a manual job that wouldn't require fluency in French?

Responses would absolutely be different if this was a women who'd given up everything for husband's Very Important Job and was now being criticised by said husband despite finding a job amongst a very competitive market.

Maybe he feels he will be less competitive in the IT sector after five years out and hence less secure.

Also unless you're wildly wealthy, I don't see why he didn't just get a manual job in France?

Can you imagine the uproar if it was a man saying his wife should just be a cleaner etc. After having given up her professional career to help his job and now trying to pick herself up and start again in a new country.

@KayKayWat

He's chosen the manual job over a professional one.

What's wrong with manual jobs?

@KayKayWat I think if a woman had mismanaged her taxes to the point where the family's savings had to bail her out, after costing the family two sets of full time nursery fees so that she could fail to learn French, then she would get a similar response in terms of it being time to make a contribution to the family's finances.

You say he works in IT. There is a huge range of jobs, one of my friends husbands used to set up systems and had an ok wage another friends DH is head of security for a credit card and earns a huge salary,

I guess he took a night shift for enhanced pay, DS does a night shift and has had a rise and is on about £14ph for a manual job which is ok for a 20:year old.

Sounds lazy. Didn't learn the language, pretended he couldn't get a remote role, now pretending he can only do part time warehouse work? Lazy and likes living off you.

Another one wondering why he couldn't get an IT job in France, even if it was working remotely for an English speaking country.

I agree that a woman who chose to put her kids in nursery while she failed to learn French and failed to earn any money would be judged equally sternly.

Absolutely no reason for him or her not to be a SAHP - they would at least be pulling their weight in the relationship and saving money; or find some unskilled work.

To be fair - the OP’s update indicating he’s more in the installation side of IT - does show why he couldn’t do remote IT work. But he should have seen early on he wasn’t picking up/grafting at the French and switched to some kind of online study that would contribute to employability. Or at least looked after his kids for free.

I think you’re unreasonable about feeling frustrated that he’s picked the warehouse job… I suspect after five years out of this field his skills are out of date and his confidence might be wobbly. He’s in this position because he uprooted to support your career, so you need to be more understanding about this.

However YA definitely not BU for being frustrated about the tax bill, in fact I’d probably be much more furious about that than you are. Absolutely no excuse for sticking your head in the sand for so long and costing your family thousands. And I say that as someone with ADHD who has a tendency to ignore bills then panic.

What was the cost of the lessons and nursery? Why not let him be SAHP while he self-studies?

In this situation, if you could afford it I wonder if it would make more sense for him to use the next few months doing a professional course to get back on top of his game in IT. If he has lost confidence and contacts etc, then some training in his professional career might be the better long term financial move than a few months doing the manual job.

I don't imagine IT is the kind of field where you can step out for years and then expect to come back at the same level.