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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH job choice, AIBU to feel taken advantage of

102 replies

1frenchfoodie · 21/10/2021 18:46

After 5 years of not working due to my job (took us overseas, he never sufficiently grasped the language) we are back in the UK and my DH is due to start a part time (3 month) job working nights monday evening - saturday mornin next month. It is manual warehouse work, not in his skills area.

He was approached about a permanent job in his field (IT) today working Tue-Sat days for the same hourly wage but with chance of overtime. The job would start 10 days sooner. AIBU to feel annoyed he turned it down?

We have another move planned in April so it might not have gone beyond then but that would be 6 months of experience in his skills area but months more of being a 2 wage family for the first time since 2016.

He said he wanted saturdays with the family but as it is he’d be coming in from a 8h overnight shift at 7am on sat so days out dont feel very feasible. He also knows IT jobs are finished when they are finished so there would be overtime hours vs the totally predictable hours of the warehouse job.

I’ve just cleared a vey large (thousands) long overdue tax bill of his from our savings so maybe I am not being wholly rational??

OP posts:
Original poster
1frenchfoodie · 22/10/2021 07:21

Thanks for all the inputs. I’ve realised IABU about some aspects - and that what I thought I was annoyed about isnt really the issue - which was choosing to work nights vs exploring more family friendly options and hiding tax problems for years while a huge bill ticked up.

I’m not sure why the consensus seems to be is I ‘put’ him in French classes he resented and was bound to hate and then harassed him for not achieving academically. He found the classes, felt they were a good fit for his needs and learning style and enjoyed them. When it was clear he wasnt going to get to a level to job hunt we were both fine with that.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2021 07:24

Facilitated? Or is a free loader…?

He went to France despite not speaking the language to support his wife's career. Hardly makes him a free loader!

OP I think after being away from IT as lo g as he has will be affecting his confidence and he will be anxious about returning. Lots has changed to. You need to speak to him.

Walkingalot · 22/10/2021 07:24

I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or think he's got an easy ride.
If you're happy to be the sole wage earner and he's happy to follow you around then great. However, sounds like he pulled a fast one in France. 2 yrs of failing to learning French, kids in nursery - that was a waste of money! Personally, I'd be happy he'd got a p/t job at this stage. What would be the point of the IT job to refresh his skills if he's unlikely to get that type of work in your next destination? Will he be a stay at home Dad? I guess at least he won't be racking up any more unpaid tax bills!

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 22/10/2021 07:30

I don't think he failed to learn French? But didn't get to C1, which is an advanced level of French.
I mean if he's a solid B2 I think that's pretty good for 2 years when the language he's speaking at home is not French. Gcse is only about B1 and a bit isn't it?

Karwomannghia · 22/10/2021 07:31

You’re very patient IMO! It would drive me mad.

PackedintheUK · 22/10/2021 07:35

I think a wife who had spent 5 years in a country where she didn't speak the language for the sake of her husband's job would be getting quite a lot of support to do exactly as she chooses now she can.

I think there are reasons the IT job would have been better for him, but it's right that he gets to choose.

frazzledasarock · 22/10/2021 07:44

So you just paid out your savings to clear up your husbands tax bill.

You’ve spent five years paying for everything including childcare costs so he could spend his time learning French (which he didn’t)

Who paid for the French lessons?

He’s turned down interviewing for a job in his field. Leaving you to still continue to shoulder the financial responsibility of the family.

The future move. Do you want to do it? If you do make the move, consider it as you being the only breadwinner forever.

No man would be shredded in this scenario. The women who post being a trailing spouse tend to be the ones who have made a career sacrifice and take on all the household and childcare duties in exchange for not working. As in those cases the family finances benefit from the mother being at home doing childcare and household drudgery. This man is doing none of that.

Brefugee · 22/10/2021 07:45

There are so many posts on here telling women that their DH doesn't have the right to tell them which job to take etc etc, and it should apply here too since in OPs case it seems she is the main breadwinner ("traditional man role") and her DH is the other one.

(of course this is a massive sweeping statement so...)

but With just 2 years of lessons, you'd probably be lucky to make it to GCSE level in France? Sure. you should be able to at least get to B1 within a few weeks of 4 hours a day of lessons and actually living in the country.

But not everyone is wired up to learn French, even if they can already speak another language (in this case, German, which is not like French).

It sounds like your DH is a "head in the sander" so i get that it is frustrating, he needs to get on with the HMRC thing and then develop coping strategies to avoid things like that in the future.

frazzledasarock · 22/10/2021 07:45

Going to France was a joint decision. And the husband was competent enough in French to have held an IT job there when the OP and him first met in France.

VienneseWhirligig · 22/10/2021 07:46

Could it be possible that as you are moving in a few months, he didn't want to take on a permanent role in his former industry and then mess them about by leaving a few months in, which could impact his reputation for reliability if he's looking for another IT job after leaving? He would need a reference, and whilst a formal reference would likely be just days of employment, it is naive to think there is no industry gossip which fills in the gaps. If he hasn't been working in the industry for a long period (genuinely because of not being in the country) and is nervous of getting back into the profession, it could make it harder to know you are going to only be taking on a permanent contract on a temp basis.

Without the context, a future recruiter will see 5 years without work, a six month period of working, and then looking to move. Whereas the warehouse work will give him income without tarnishing his reputation in the industry he hopes to get back to.

Fetarabbit · 22/10/2021 07:47

Nights don't have to necessarily be disruptive, but it depends. My neighbour works nights, he leaves at 8pm after bedtime and finishes at 8am, so he sleeps and does the school pick up; but if for whatever reason his wife can't do drop off he can do that too. But depends on his hours etc.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/10/2021 07:47

YANBU. I’d feel resentful after working for years to pay his unnecessary debts, while he makes little effort to get a job. He’s foolish to turn down a chance to get back into IT work now. Especially as your next planned move is to follow his dream.

Mix56 · 22/10/2021 07:49

@frazzledasarock

So you just paid out your savings to clear up your husbands tax bill.

You’ve spent five years paying for everything including childcare costs so he could spend his time learning French (which he didn’t)

Who paid for the French lessons?

He’s turned down interviewing for a job in his field. Leaving you to still continue to shoulder the financial responsibility of the family.

The future move. Do you want to do it? If you do make the move, consider it as you being the only breadwinner forever.

No man would be shredded in this scenario. The women who post being a trailing spouse tend to be the ones who have made a career sacrifice and take on all the household and childcare duties in exchange for not working. As in those cases the family finances benefit from the mother being at home doing childcare and household drudgery. This man is doing none of that.

I agree, he seems lazy, you are now going to his "dream" location where he wont get or want to work either.
He's basically enjoyed having no responsibility for 2 years & it continues.
It's not what you signed up for.

DoggerelBank · 22/10/2021 08:02

Those saying you can't get to C1 in 2 years, it of course depends on circumstances, but with 4 hours of lessons a day and plenty of motivation, in an immersive environment where you're living in a country with the language all around you, it's really not that much of a stretch if you're average at learning languages. And her DH had already proved a facility for languages by learning German to a good level. You do have to be an active learner, though, not just sit back in class and passively expect the teacher to do the work for you. In the OP's circs, if DH failed to make much progress, I'd not be able to stop myself from feeling he was choosing not to, tbh.

Collaborate · 22/10/2021 08:14

@WorriedGiraffe

What’s his tax bill from if he’s not worked for over 5 years?

Honestly if he can’t work mostly because of your job and he supports that then I don’t see why he also has to pick what you want for himself for the few months he can work. YANBU to feel annoyed, but I can’t see how he’s taking advantage form what you’ve said.

This, 100%
GnomeDePlume · 22/10/2021 08:17

How about reframing from what he doesnt bring to what he does bring.

In many ways we are in a similar position. We spent 5 years abroad for my job and then moved back to the UK. During the time abroad DH was SAHP. When we moved back to the UK he started a business but after a couple of years it had to fold and DH took a supermarket job.

What my DH brings is that he runs our home, like clockwork. He does all shopping, laundry, cooking, most cleaning, lots of DIY. DCs are now all adults and flying the nest but he still helps them out if need be. I get to fart about doing my full time and more so job.

He fully admits that he has a very high standard of living for someone working 24h/week at NMW. He views running our home as his other job. He does it very well and I respect him for it.

@1frenchfoodie what does your DH bring?

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 22/10/2021 08:17

You should never assume you'll pick up a language enough to work in he country - even with lots and lots of teaching. No plans should ever be built on that. We know a french couple and have done for 10 years. Despite having been here for longer than that, I still can't talk to the woman as he english is so bad. The man is fluent and we can meet as couples as he translates. She is very hard working and has a masters degree but just does not seem able to pick up languages. With that in mind you would be unreasonable to have expected him to work in France. The issue then is whether you get to choose which job he takes. It was a complicated choice in terms of hours/ demands and I don't think you get to choose for him. If he was unclear about reasons I expect it's because he was confused himself. Going back to work after such a long time away from the workplace is difficult for everyone - man or woman - and will therefore trigger a range of emotions.

TatianaBis · 22/10/2021 08:21

First of all I think you’re justified in being cross with him for taking a job working nights over the possibility of an IT job.

Secondly, there was no reason for him to not working when you were in France, he could have been on PeoplePerHour. So much IT work can be done remotely now. But if he’s happy to work in a warehouse, why couldn’t he work in a warehouse in France?

That will because thirdly, he failed to learn French in 2 years @ 4 hours a day. That is mindblowing. Whoever said you would only get up to GCSE level - you can do a language A level from scratch in 2 years.

The British attitude to languages is bizarre - that it’s really hard, that some people inherently can’t do it, that he could do German but nor French - it’s all baloney. Everyone’s brain is wired to language or we would never learn to speak, read, write. Like anything some people are better than others, but he’d already learnt reasonable German.

There’s a definite pattern of laziness and riding on your coat tails OP. The question is how long are you going to facilitate it? If he were doing SAHP - fine but he’s not even doing that.

Now you’re about to move for his ‘dream’ country where again he can’t work? Why? Maybe his dream is just not to work? What’s your dream, to drag a big expensive pet round the world?

LinuxPenguinPCnerd · 22/10/2021 08:25

5 years is plenty to become fluent - he's lazy.

AddictedToLuv · 22/10/2021 08:26

Picking up French is not as easy as you think. I lived somewhere for a year and had lessons and was able to work in that language. I tried to learn French but failed miserably.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 22/10/2021 08:28

What my DH doesn’t bring is a fucking tax debt that I’d paid off. And if he did, I’d hope he’d bring an attitude of wanting to make up for it.

TatianaBis · 22/10/2021 08:29

We know a french couple and have done for 10 years. Despite having been here for longer than that, I still can't talk to the woman as he english is so bad. The man is fluent and we can meet as couples as he translates. She is very hard working and has a masters degree but just does not seem able to pick up languages.

She just hasn’t made the effort or hasn’t had the time, that’s all. Thousands of immigrants come to the UK with no English and learn enough of the language to get employment. Including many who did not have high education levels.

MissTrip82 · 22/10/2021 08:31

Absolutely loathe the 'big job' cracks. This woman doesn't need to apologise for being successful and her 'big job' pays the fucking bills.

I'd be wondering if he's scared to go back into his field and is fearing failure.

TatianaBis · 22/10/2021 08:33

@MissTrip82

Absolutely loathe the 'big job' cracks. This woman doesn't need to apologise for being successful and her 'big job' pays the fucking bills.

I'd be wondering if he's scared to go back into his field and is fearing failure.

One of my sisters had been out of the workplace for 15 years when she returned last year. She was scared and feared failure, but she’s fine now.

You don’t get over fear by avoidance.

Feelingoktoday · 22/10/2021 08:53

Would we be saying the same about a woman who follows her partner around the world.

To be honest I think you are Being unreasonable. If my job took as around the world, moving all the time, uprooting from friends, leaving my partner unable to get established in a career, then I really wouldn’t expect them to work.

Re the languages. I’m terrible at foreign languages. Two years of tutor really isn’t much. There are many non English speakers in the U.K. who have been here for years.