DB young fiancée

[Whereartthou]

Younger DB and I are in our late forties. As children we were very close. As adults less so as he became very bad tempered. Until this year he had never had a long term relationship. He often made comments about not wanting to tie himself down to a woman who would boss him around and get old. Despite his bad temper and occasional misogynistic comments he is not a bad person. He often admitted he wouldn’t make a good husband as he dislikes other people in his space and so would stay single. He was always good to my parents and to my DC. Recently, out of the blue, he has got engaged to a woman in her twenties - 20 years younger than we are. I barely know her yet. I’ve told him I’m happy for him and I am as I sometimes worried about him. However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children. A part of me also feels that while I dismissed his occasional misogynistic comments about women, especially older women, as just his general irritability, now it seems as if there may have been truth to it after all. As I am older than him I feel a little odd about it all. I’ll be happy for him but…any thoughts in general out there? I should be glad he’s ok and just let him get on with his life, shouldn’t I?

I found your post strange siblings should be craving life our for themselves. I remember sil being upset about losing her brother when I was pregnant with dd, it was bit strange she was single at the time but now has a family of her own.

@PinkFootstool

Your DB sounds delightful.... I'm not seeing anything in your OP about this close relationship you're worried about losing. You said you're not that close anymore.

Why would you lose any relationship just because he's engaged anyway? Will he turn his back on you? Have you tried to meet the fiancée yet? What are you actually worried about here?

We were extremely close as children and I guess I’ve always hoped that closeness would spark again. We’re by no means on top of each other - we don’t meet that often as don’t live that close and we’re both busy with our own lives. But we work in the same field and keep in touch a lot - he’s very good in fact at keeping in touch and is often the one to suggest meeting. It’s just that whenever we do meet he seems to become suffocated by the simplest conversation after about 20 mins and can’t/won’t answer the simplest questions. Eg “This is delicious. What’s in it?” “Just random stuff. Why do you want to know?” He does this with all our family, not just me. I always hoped we’d get back to the funny, relaxed banter we used to have as kids. Maybe pps are right and his future DW will be the making of him. People are often funny about in-laws though, especially if there’s a big age gap and we’re boring old farts (in the eyes of a twenty-something). And of course there is his difficult obsession with younger women attitude. I did worry about him for a good while though as he seemed to be pushing everyone away and always seemed unhappy and irritable. So it’s great that he hopefully has a happy time ahead.

I dont think you seem at all selfish! You are right to be concerned ,however they are both able to make their own decisions so nothing you can do really.DB sounds a touch misogynistic ,but if he treats her well and they are happy thats all that matters.So many middle aged and older men seem to want a young wife. Seems shallow really ,esp if she has a good job and is educated .Try to remain close if you can

@bananarama21 And yes - siblings who can’t let go are weird!!! I agree there so touché!

it's an adjustment for you OP. but hopefully a nice one :)

banana, my sil was the same for many years, it's much better now.

@LadyDanburysHat

I would be more concerned about this young woman who has found herself attached to a much older misogynistic man. You say you don't know her, but it have you tried to get to know her. You honestly sound incredibly selfish.

This. ^ @Whereartthou you are sounding weirdly selfish, as none of this has anything to do with you really, but...... YANBU to feel as you do.

I have to say though, and sorry if this offends you, your brother doesn't sound like a particularly nice person, and I am really worried for this young 23 y.o. woman.

I would be freaking out if my young 20-something DD came home and told me she was with a man old enough to be her father. Especially as he has explicitly said he never wants to be with anyone, and is very misogynistic and aggressive and bad tempered. OMG that poor young woman. You should probably warn her off him, but that may push them closer together,.

I seriously question the morals and intentions of a middle aged man getting with a woman who is barely out of her teens. Grubby, creepy, and sinister. And those are 3 of the better adjectives I can come up with!

Sorry I don't know why I put that she was 23, I don't know where I got that from! I stand by the rest of what I said though.

You honestly sound incredibly selfish.

Wha-at? Why?

Anyway, yes, I would just stand back and let him get on with it because what's the alternative?! :) and keep an open-mind about the woman he has got involved with - you never know - he might be ready to grow up.

You seem to have ignored some red flags that your brother has sexist attitudes and issues in his social and sexual relationships.

He’s not a great prospect for his fiance. Being attractive, successful at work and socially, doesn’t protect women from men who are lacking, at best.

[quote Whereartthou]@stompythedinosaur
That women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks. That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.[/quote]
He said these things to you?? These aren't nice things to say

I would say that out of the two of them he is the more likely to be hurt, or at least would take it harder if it fell apart

This exact thing was said about my husband and I. To the point that my father had a proper go at me about not hurting him(yes, my father is also a dick!). It was my husband's first relationship, at 41. I was (just) 20.

One of us has been abusive. It wasn't me. I honestly wouldn't be too concerned about your brother, but I would keep an eye out for signs of trouble, in case his fiancée needs help in the future. I have no help or support because it took me too long to see how it was being eroded. Don't let that happen to her, please.

He sounds like a right misogynist. I'd be worried about the wellbeing of his young fiancee, that's what I thought your thread was going to be about.

What does she get out of being with this misogynistic old fart bag with a secret heart of gold? Your relationship with him is your business. You're setting it up to blame her if your brother CBA keeping up with you. It's on him, he's not a child. I for one don't know why it's socially acceptable for men to start a family in late 40s when women would be called all kinds of names.

I feel like there’s more to your feelings here. It sounds like you are threatened by an attractive 20 something year old coming into your family and having children. Have you got children of your own? Are you concerned your husband might find her attractive?

EnidFrighten Yes I agree totally! I think even though we have equality now ,it still seems strange that older (usually successful) men are almost revered for having"sown their wild oats" and then settled down with a beautiful young woman. Like you say, the other way about and suddenly its all a bit desperate ,cougar like behaviour !

Your brother sounds like a pig -- even you admit he's bad-tempered and misogynist, and seems to have a lot of weird issues about women ageing, as though he's not in fact ageing himself, which you seem in part to share, given your worry that's he's going to become focused on his younger fiancée and her friends, while you age out of his 'interest-zone'.

Honestly, OP, I'd be unpicking why you seem to have internalised his unpleasant, ageist views, and hoping his fiancée doesn't end up doing the same.

In the gentlest way … I noticed you have mentioned your own age and relationship a few times. Is it possible you feel replaced by this new woman in his life …

“She’s in her late 20s, beautiful, intelligent and educated”

Perhaps you have been more affected by your brother’s views than you realise.

It’s not uncommon for us to start feeling invisible in our late 40s, especially when we compare ourselves to someone 20 years younger.

Apologies, if I’m on the wrong track but maybe worth reflecting on???

[quote Whereartthou]@stompythedinosaur
That women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks. That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.[/quote]
He think that women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks.

If your rude and misogynistic brother thinks this. Is he going to dump his new squeeze in a couple of years then? Because she will be 30 then yes?

Also, any man who thinks a woman starts losing her looks when she gets to 30 is a cunt.

IMO, and IME, it's an old myth load of bollocks that men age beautifully, and women turn into rancid hags. I know more women who are ageing - well into their 50s and 60s - who look fab. Nice skin, lovely hair, still got good teeth, figure still OK, and who are very attractive. Conversely, I know some men of the same age who are going to shit, with beer bellies/paunches, bald spots, saggy jowels, and yellow teeth.

Not saying ALL men are like this obvs! But more women than men look good past the age of 45/50 IME.

And your brother's attitude that 'no woman will tell him what to do?' WTF? What is wrong with him? Why does he have such a horrible attitude towards women? Are there deeper issues at play here? Is there something you haven't told us. Men don't normally despise women as much as this for no reason.

Maybe he did want a relationship all this time, but told everyone and himself that he didn’t, to avoid feeling disappointed/feel like he was in control. He and his partner may be physically different in age, but emotionally and in terms of life experience may be suitably matched.
Times are changing and women are no longer written off as we get older. Rather than looking at his partner as a better version, think about all the life lessons you have that she has yet to come.
I’ve just hit 40 and watching my younger colleagues find their way, I realise how far I’ve come and how much confidence I’ve gained after all these experiences.
I believe that people are attractive because of their confidence in themselves and zest for life. There are very pretty 20 year olds with no confidence that get overlooked and larger than life 60 year olds spoilt for choice for partners.
If your partner is less attentive, spend time focusing on yourself and what you want to do. The happier you are, the more you’ll be noticed and wanted around.
And if you brother has a partner and potentially children later on, you’ll have a lovely new family to go on double dates and family days out with.

She's probably been head shrunk, as many women are, by the "must be married by 30, and kids soon after" shtick.

He'll commit now, unlike probably many of her peers, so she's going for him. He's probably got more more, security etc being in his 40s wity no kids to date too.

She's got herself a bad bargain though, for all the reasons posters have pointed out.
I feel sorry for her.

Bloody hell he sounds horrible!

Good luck to his fiancee!

@Bekind2yourself

In the gentlest way … I noticed you have mentioned your own age and relationship a few times. Is it possible you feel replaced by this new woman in his life …

“She’s in her late 20s, beautiful, intelligent and educated”

Perhaps you have been more affected by your brother’s views than you realise.

It’s not uncommon for us to start feeling invisible in our late 40s, especially when we compare ourselves to someone 20 years younger.

Apologies, if I’m on the wrong track but maybe worth reflecting on???

You’re spot on! It is causing me to think negatively about myself, especially as there have been some niggles with DH. With regard to losing the relationship with DB - no, I wouldn’t blame the fiancée. It would be entirely his doing. I guess it’s just made me think that my age MAY be the reason we became less close over the years and that’s a hard thing to accept but it would be entirely his fault of course so and doesn’t say very much about him!! I do need to leave them to it - I don’t want to be the SIL from hell. It’s just all made me think about things (not just DB) in a new and slightly sad way. On the upside, I read that people are at their unhappiest on average in their late 40s for precisely this age-realising reason and things improve thereafter. Onwards and upwards!

He sounds like a red pill, misogynistic, chauvinist, bad tempered, very potentially abusive wanker.

And as for people saying late 20s is old enough to know who you want to marry etc ....no fucking way. You mature constantly, learn constantly about people, relationships etc and she's still a youth really. There are reasons he's gone for something decades younger abd none of them are v good.

@Whereartthou

Sorry, those are comments he’s made “in jest” but I think he means them.

Of course he means them. And yet you say he’s not abusive. I don’t think you can confidently say that, can you? He sounds like an arsehole. Ask yourself why he felt comfortable continuing to make such “jokes” around you - and then stop making it comfortable for him to do so.

It's so sad she's throwing herself away on someone like him, instead of eg an equality minded, kind, respectful partner around her own age.

He's settling with her because he thinks she'll always be nearly twenty years younger so she'll still be "young" when he's middle aged.
I bet he also thinks he be the dominant one because hes older and more experienced.

I hope she's getting plenty of money for her end of the shitty bargain.