DB young fiancée

[Whereartthou]

Younger DB and I are in our late forties. As children we were very close. As adults less so as he became very bad tempered. Until this year he had never had a long term relationship. He often made comments about not wanting to tie himself down to a woman who would boss him around and get old. Despite his bad temper and occasional misogynistic comments he is not a bad person. He often admitted he wouldn’t make a good husband as he dislikes other people in his space and so would stay single. He was always good to my parents and to my DC. Recently, out of the blue, he has got engaged to a woman in her twenties - 20 years younger than we are. I barely know her yet. I’ve told him I’m happy for him and I am as I sometimes worried about him. However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children. A part of me also feels that while I dismissed his occasional misogynistic comments about women, especially older women, as just his general irritability, now it seems as if there may have been truth to it after all. As I am older than him I feel a little odd about it all. I’ll be happy for him but…any thoughts in general out there? I should be glad he’s ok and just let him get on with his life, shouldn’t I?

[Whereartthou]

[quote DevonBelles]@ChargingBuck Sometimes, people (men and women) make self-deprecating comments to cover up the fact that they can't find anyone to love them.

It's very easy to take comments like 'I'm a miserable, bad tempered bastard who likes my own space' at face value, when what the person is saying is they don't feel very confident with women (or men) and haven't been able to find a partner (for all sorts of reasons.)

So no, when a man or woman says that stuff I'd not write it down and believe them, I'd look a bit deeper at what was going on under the surface.[/quote]
DB has never had a problem attracting women. He then dumps them after a short time.

[Whereartthou]

I’m making him sound awful - and some parts of him are. eg his irritability and his occasional crass and unkind comments.
He does struggle with a genuine fear of being stuck in a marriage with a woman he hates and who tries to control him.
On the flip side his bark is far worse than his bite. He gets upset to see people, especially children or animals, suffering and has been extremely kind - both with his time and his money - to sick elderly relatives.

[Whereartthou]

Just to confuse you all!!
If it wasn’t for that side of him I’d have ditched him years ago.

[DevonBelles]

He has never had a problem attracting women. He then dumps them after a short time.

maybe he gets in first as he'd rather jump than be pushed :)

Or maybe he is so desperate for a relationship that he gets into things with the wrong women hoping against the odds that it will work.

I have a brother who has tended to do that- gets dates but it's clear to everyone but them that the women are probably not what he is looking for. After a few dates, it's all over.

[DevonBelles]

He does struggle with a genuine fear of being stuck in a marriage with a woman he hates and who tries to control him.

Where does this come from?
Are you parents like that? Is your dad henpecked?
Does he hate his mother?
What would Freud say to all of this???


Sounds as if he might benefit from counselling or psychotherapy. Having those sort of worries at the outset is not normal.

[TatianaBis]

I get it OP, he’s not a bad person just weird with women. Unfortunately he can’t marry elderly people/animals.

As per your DH I think you need to adopt my attitude: I’m 50 and my looks have not ‘fallen off a cliff’ at all. I think I look good.

If my DH doesn’t agree and wants to run off with a younger model, that’s fine. I will just find someone else.

No-one is irreplaceable.

[Polkadots2021]

[quote Whereartthou]@stompythedinosaur
That women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks. That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.[/quote]
That's nuts. Women of any age are truly beautiful. OP I get the feeling that this is more about you feeling worried about your DH and how he sees you. Could that be the real story?

As for your DB and fiancee, I'm very much of the belief that if you can't control it, then just don't worry about it. If it seems to be working then just go with the flow. Don't create worries unless there's something very concrete to worry about, then deal with it then (if there's anything to deal with).

[ChargingBuck]

Thank you Whereartthou (great film & soundtrack btw!!)

[Whereartthou]

@TatianaBis

I get it OP, he’s not a bad person just weird with women. Unfortunately he can’t marry elderly people/animals.

As per your DH I think you need to adopt my attitude: I’m 50 and my looks have not ‘fallen off a cliff’ at all. I think I look good.

If my DH doesn’t agree and wants to run off with a younger model, that’s fine. I will just find someone else.

No-one is irreplaceable.

Love it! I need this. Thanks so much!!

[CorianderAndCream]

Ah, so he's willing to settle down with a gorgeous, smart younger woman now that he's ageing. I'd feel weird in your position too.

[Diverseopinions]

The only thing you really need to worry about is if you fear there is any coercion or one partner being taken advantage of by the other.

Otherwise, it is up to the individuals to like whom they please, and, as is often said, nobody truly knows what goes on between two consenting adults.

[HalzTangz]

Maybe being in a relationship will be the making of him, maybe now he has a partner he will be less moody. You may grow closer as a result.
I would think when kids come along you will grow a bit more closer (especially if you offer the odd babysitting session)

[HalzTangz]

I think you are being hung up on this age thing.
Some men go for the younger model but many don't.
Equally some women go for the younger man but many don't.

I don't think the issue is with your DB at all.

I think the issue is whatever the problem is you are having with your DH at the moment and rather than solve that you are fixating on something and nothing (in this case your relationship with your brother which hasn't altered during the courting stage, yet you seem to think will alter now)

[Bluntness100]

Love it! I need this. Thanks so much!!

This response indicates this is about your insecurity about a woman in her twenties who you perceive to be attractive entering your social circle and how your husband will react

It’s nothing to do with her or your brother, it’s everything to do with you and your marriage.

[Looubylou]

Men generally don't tell their sisters or family that they are abusive to their partners - they usually present as quite the opposite to others

[MyPatronusIsACat]

@Bluntness100

She said he made “occasional” misogynistic comments about older women. Not ok but quite frankly not more red flags than communist China either.

This is actually about the op ageing and being insecure about a young attractive woman joining the family.

WOW! UNBELIEVABLE! And the thing that makes this post all the more disturbing and horrifying, is that you're actually being serious..

[Bluntness100]

@MyPatronusIsACat..what are you talking about? Read the thread, the op has said it herself.

[ChargingBuck]

[quote DevonBelles]@ChargingBuck Sometimes, people (men and women) make self-deprecating comments to cover up the fact that they can't find anyone to love them.

It's very easy to take comments like 'I'm a miserable, bad tempered bastard who likes my own space' at face value, when what the person is saying is they don't feel very confident with women (or men) and haven't been able to find a partner (for all sorts of reasons.)

So no, when a man or woman says that stuff I'd not write it down and believe them, I'd look a bit deeper at what was going on under the surface.[/quote]
maybe he gets in first as he'd rather jump than be pushed

Reaching much, @DevonBelles?

OP has said he has no problem attracting women, & ditches them frequently. What's your agenda, that you'd rather assume you know better about this than his own sister?