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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB young fiancée

118 replies

Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 08:53

Younger DB and I are in our late forties. As children we were very close. As adults less so as he became very bad tempered. Until this year he had never had a long term relationship. He often made comments about not wanting to tie himself down to a woman who would boss him around and get old. Despite his bad temper and occasional misogynistic comments he is not a bad person. He often admitted he wouldn’t make a good husband as he dislikes other people in his space and so would stay single. He was always good to my parents and to my DC. Recently, out of the blue, he has got engaged to a woman in her twenties - 20 years younger than we are. I barely know her yet. I’ve told him I’m happy for him and I am as I sometimes worried about him. However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children. A part of me also feels that while I dismissed his occasional misogynistic comments about women, especially older women, as just his general irritability, now it seems as if there may have been truth to it after all. As I am older than him I feel a little odd about it all. I’ll be happy for him but…any thoughts in general out there? I should be glad he’s ok and just let him get on with his life, shouldn’t I?

OP posts:
Antinerak · 22/09/2021 11:21

I think they're both grown adults who have made a decision between themselves. He could've changed OR he likes to complain but doesn't mean what he says or acts differently to her. Just because he's a dick doesn't mean he's a dick to her- maybe she agrees with his views!

Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:23

@2Hot2Handle
He’s always had plenty of interest from women and dumped many so I don’t think it’s that.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 22/09/2021 11:26

@Whereartthou You are basically excusing him and enabling him with the 'boys will be boys' and 'he's just saying stuff in jest' bollocks (He's not saying anything in jest BTW!)

The more you post, the more clear it is that you have the same deep rooted internalised misogyny as him, and it seems (sadly) to be deeply entrenched. I feel really sorry for this young woman who's in this relationship with your brother, and I hope she gets away from him, and you, and your family, before it's too late.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 11:26

There is nothing to suggest here he will further distance himself, unless there is something you forgot to say

Is it you who wishes to distance themself? Do you feel if your husband sees him with a woman if that age he will get ideas? So you don’t want to be round her?

Make an effort to get to know her.

FreeBritnee · 22/09/2021 11:27

OP the twenty something female will become the forty something female in two decades. It’s inevitable unless you die. We all have our moment in the sun. You obviously feel like the bloom has gone off the rose but that’s up to you to wrestle with your own feelings about your looks and relationship.

Let your brother go live his life and hopefully he’ll go on to have a wonderful relationship.

StoatMilk · 22/09/2021 11:28

[quote Whereartthou]@stompythedinosaur
That women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks. That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.[/quote]
I hope you challenged him immediately on his appalling comments.

I would remind him of these and ask him what his Fiancée thinks of his misogynistic views.

1forAll74 · 22/09/2021 11:28

It's very odd, that you are dwelling on your Brothers new relationship. You can of course, have your own private views about this, but other than that, your Brother can choose whoever he wishes to go into a relationship with.. I don't suppose he went into a relationship based on any age difference, he may have just met someone who he clicked with.

WellLarDeDar · 22/09/2021 11:29

However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children.

mm just be happy for him having a family to focus on. You can't be the center of his world forever OP. Think of it as an opportunity for your family to grow. Your description of her is very flattering so I'd assume she a good person. Big age gaps are intimidating but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing for him. My DHs friends and family were cautious of me to begin with, being 10 years his junior but they're all glad now he settled down as he used to proclaim he'd never be tied down to marriage. I think most people live happier lives when they have a companion to share it with.

Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:29

I did sometimes wonder where he got such a dislike of women from. DF wasn’t perfect but he was kind and respectful to everyone and never had a younger woman fixation. He mentioned DB’s odd attitude to women to me many years ago as a point of concern.
DB became briefly friendly through work with a group of wealthy tossers who were all on their 3rd or 4th marriages with increasingly younger women. DB did comment though that he felt sorry for the children and wouldn’t like to put a child through that.
He went to an all boys boarding school - a teacher there was convicted years later of abuse - I have sometimes wondered…

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:30

@Bluntness100

There is nothing to suggest here he will further distance himself, unless there is something you forgot to say

Is it you who wishes to distance themself? Do you feel if your husband sees him with a woman if that age he will get ideas? So you don’t want to be round her?

Make an effort to get to know her.

No, it’s definitely not that!
OP posts:
Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:31

@FreeBritnee

OP the twenty something female will become the forty something female in two decades. It’s inevitable unless you die. We all have our moment in the sun. You obviously feel like the bloom has gone off the rose but that’s up to you to wrestle with your own feelings about your looks and relationship.

Let your brother go live his life and hopefully he’ll go on to have a wonderful relationship.

Of course and you are right.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 11:36

Ok if it’s not that, and there is nothing to say he will distance himself, he was clearly in a relationship with this woman and it didn’t happen, engagement shouldn’t change that.

So why not make the effort to get to know her? Invite them round?

Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:44

@Bluntness100
I will. As I said, this is more about me seeing things differently and being insecure about the fact that many men prefer younger women. You hear people saying it but until you see it in action you think people are exaggerating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 11:45

But as others have said, I need to own my own life and stop letting some people’s slightly misogynistic comments get to me so much. Thank you all for the responses!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/09/2021 11:52

People are often funny about in-laws though, especially if there’s a big age gap and we’re boring old farts (in the eyes of a twenty-something).

Well she's marrying someone that age so she can't be that put off by it!

And of course there is his difficult obsession with younger women attitude

Yeah he doesn't sound great tbh, hopefully he has changed and / or she is someone who will walk away if this attitude becomes apparent.

It's disgusting of men of any age to speak about women as if they're products with an expiry date, but it becomes disgusting and embarrassing when the men are past those expiry dates themselves... bleurgh.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/09/2021 11:53

That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.

Oh god he sounds like an insufferable cunt. Couldn't stand to be told what to do by a woman?!

"Well you aren't going to like what I'm about to say Tom... do fuck off you prick."

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/09/2021 11:55

Did you challenge his deeply misogynist and chauvinist comments when he said them?

diddl · 22/09/2021 11:56

"being insecure about the fact that many men prefer younger women."

Why would you care about that at all?

Unless you think that your husband will jealous of your brother having a much younger wife?

And of course it's just as likely that she leave him for someone of her own age, or at least not old enough to be her dad!

ThatMortgageDilemma · 22/09/2021 11:58

I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children.

I'm sorry op, no mater how much you love your brother and how close you were, this is awfully selfish and controlling.

Please do not turn into one of those awful inlaws competing with new partners for attention. That girl is quite unlucky, hopefully she can see what family she is marrying into before the wedding.

Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 12:00

@diddl

"being insecure about the fact that many men prefer younger women."

Why would you care about that at all?

Unless you think that your husband will jealous of your brother having a much younger wife?

And of course it's just as likely that she leave him for someone of her own age, or at least not old enough to be her dad!

Why would I not care? If things are a little shaky between me and DH? I don’t suspect him at all of fancying my brother’s girlfriend but that doesn’t take from the fact that older men can start again - and have a new family if they choose - with someone younger while it is much harder for women. There’s a definite power shift.
OP posts:
Original poster
Whereartthou · 22/09/2021 12:01

@ThatMortgageDilemma

I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children.

I'm sorry op, no mater how much you love your brother and how close you were, this is awfully selfish and controlling.

Please do not turn into one of those awful inlaws competing with new partners for attention. That girl is quite unlucky, hopefully she can see what family she is marrying into before the wedding.

Ok, this is a ridiculous response. I’m not the slightest bit controlling and have said in several posts that I would welcome her. Ffs.
OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 22/09/2021 12:05

The thing I don't get OP is that you are bothered by the idea of him having a family. That seems really sad - so he was around to be part of your life when you had young children but now you don't want him to do the same.

Surely if he had kids you could be part of their life as a supportive sister? Isn't that a bonding experience?

Wondergirl100 · 22/09/2021 12:06

Having older children yourself means you can babysit/ help out because you aren't under pressure at home with little ones - it's a nice balance.

diddl · 22/09/2021 12:06

"If things are a little shaky between me and DH?"

I'd missed that, sorry.

Lasttimeneveragain · 22/09/2021 12:13

You and your brother had the same parents? So where did DB get his opinions and views from? Do you think you've been unconsciously brought up to feel similar? Now you're panicking as you reach that age of invisibility.

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