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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum to just lay off about this

93 replies

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 00:20

My parents split up 20 years ago.

My dad didn’t behave well and was really quite shit to my mum and my sisters and I about it. Not physically abusive or anything, but just left mum for another woman.

Since then my relationship with my dad hasn’t been great, but we are on speaking terms and meet up a few times a year.

But my mum is a nightmare if she hears that I’m meeting up with him and has a massive rant about how bad he treated us etc....

If I meet him without mentioning it to her she goes on and on about it.

But honestly, I can’t be arsed hating him forever just because she can’t move on.

Again this weekend I am visiting her and popping to his for a cuppa on the way home. She went on a massive rant and I honestly felt like I was taking an anxiety attack listening to her.

I’m so angry with her just now and I’m actually worried i will end up arguing with her and falling out with her this weekend: I just cannot bear to listen to her go on about it anymore

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 30/07/2021 02:10

Just don't tell your mother when you see, or are going to see, your dad. There is no need for her to know.

Randomness12 · 30/07/2021 02:13

You need to tell her, gently rather than snapping but firmly that you simply don’t want to hear it anymore. You are sorry she feels that way but you have chosen to move on. Then repeat, every single time.

CrisisManagement · 30/07/2021 02:14

This is difficult. Can you explain to her that you know what he is like, so no need for the regular reminders?

alexdgr8 · 30/07/2021 02:52

then dont listen to it.
simply get up, say cheerio, and leave.

Topseyt · 30/07/2021 03:28

Stop telling her when you are going to see him. Why does she need to know? What does it achieve?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 03:39

Why are you telling her that you're seeing your dad? That doesn't make any sense to tell her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2021 03:43

Something someone said to me years ago may be something to share, "mum, my dad is half of who I am. When you say these things to me about him, I feel them about myself".

Ozanj · 30/07/2021 03:45

I would imagine if he left her for another woman and treated you all so badly you wouldn’t want to hurt your mum’s feelings by telling her you’re going to see him? What does it achieve by telling her?

Tiana4 · 30/07/2021 03:45

Tell your mum the truth- how it is impacting on you- her life for you will over rude her anger and wish to protect you.

Tell her that you've heard her, you know full well who your dad is. You will always love her, that you know she brought you up alone as dad was unreliable and not a great dad.

But that you don't want to hear her complaining about dad anymore or you will no longer tell her when you will see him, as her complaints make you feel anxious and ill. It has to stop.

Tiana4 · 30/07/2021 03:47

*her love for you will override her anger for him and wish to protect you
(Not 'her life for you will over rude her anger and wish to protect you. '!)

FakingMemories · 30/07/2021 04:10

I experienced the same after my parents split up. Very similar story to yours. I had enough one day of her comments about how I was wrong for being in contact with my dad’s and I just had to spell it out for her that he is the man she choose to be the father of her children and she shouldn’t be annoyed with me for wanting to see him. What happened between them was very sad and I do feel sorry for her but that shouldn’t have any influence over my relationship with my father.

FortunesFave · 30/07/2021 04:12

How's she finding out that you're visiting him? Stop that happening. If she rants if she does find out, walk calmly out of the house and say "I have to go now"

Repeat every time.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 04:18

How does she find out you are seeing him or have seen him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2021 04:21

To all the people asking why the mum knows, think about this... why should someone lie to her mother about seeing her father?

Secrets and lies, they make us miserable.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 04:26

@MrsTerryPratchett

To all the people asking why the mum knows, think about this... why should someone lie to her mother about seeing her father?

Secrets and lies, they make us miserable.

No one is advising the op to lie. It is entirely reasonable to not share everything, even with people that are close to us. That isn't lying and it doesn't mean these things are "secrets." Everyone is entitled to privacy in certain areas of their lives. As an adult, the op's relationship with her father is none of her mother's business.
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 04:27

@MrsTerryPratchett

To all the people asking why the mum knows, think about this... why should someone lie to her mother about seeing her father?

Secrets and lies, they make us miserable.

Do you tell your mother/father/siblings everything?
noirchatsdeux · 30/07/2021 04:28

Your mother could be my mother. Left her for OW, but 32 years ago. She hates him more now than she did then and also just the mere mention of him makes her go off on a long rant.

Unfortunately she emotionally blackmailed both myself and my two brothers into having no contact with him … I was a very young and immature 21 year old when he left and already having mental health problems - frankly I just didn’t want the hassle. I’ve had no contact since and I don’t even know if he is still alive.

Like others have said, I’d stop telling her when you see him. If she asks, tell her you don’t want to discuss it. If she still goes off on a rant, tell her what you’ve posted here.

Stillfunny · 30/07/2021 04:46

I am taking on board what you are saying and applying it to my relationship with my daughter. Not long separated from my lying cheating husband. My daughter is very much " on his side " and quite protective of him. I found this very difficult to take , although they have always been close.

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this. It has made me realise that my bitterness and anger towards him could be very distressing for her.
Will make a determined effort to avoid any negative comments around her.

I hope your mother will realise this too. I suggest you tell her what you have said here . Sometimes the grief never goes away but she needs to find someone else to talk to about it.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 08:39

The reason I tell her is because she asks; and I have absolutely no reason to lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 08:45

The reason I tell her is because she asks. Every single time I am visiting, she asks if I am going to see my dad. And I’m not going to lie and say no. The odd time I have seen him without mentioning it and she has found out, she has went mad.

They live fairly close to each other and have lots of mutual acquaintances, so it’s not that difficult for her to find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 08:48

@Stillfunny. I wouldn’t say I’m protecting him or on his side at all. We fell out because of it and have had many cross words. But it’s 20 years on: I literally can’t hold a grudge that long, nor do I want either of us going to our graves without being on speaking terms

OP posts:
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 08:49

@LaraDecouvrie

The reason I tell her is because she asks; and I have absolutely no reason to lie.
Tell her not to ask you about him.

You can refuse to discuss him with her you know!

LadyDanburysHat · 30/07/2021 08:54

I think you do need to tell her how it is making you fell. Tell her clearly that you understand how she feels about him and why, but that he is still your Dad and you will be having a a relationship with him, and you don't want to hear any more negativity. It has been long enough.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 09:02

@TheSunShinesBrighter. Strangely, it doesn’t feel like that. I’m quite assertive normally, but find it hard to be with my mum.

OP posts:
2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 30/07/2021 09:07

My sympathies OP. As far “coming clean” or avoiding the subject of your dad and your contact with him, it sounds like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

All I can suggest is if and when she starts, getting up and walking out. If it’s on the phone then hanging up on her. Every single time. I have done, and still do this, with my mum when she starts about my dad. She’s spiteful and nasty rather than shouty. You know, like “your dads life limiting illness and all the agony he’s in with it, is karma for leaving me for someone else all those years ago” level of nasty. I booted her from my house then and there and put some space between us for a while.