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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my mum to just lay off about this

93 replies

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 00:20

My parents split up 20 years ago.

My dad didn’t behave well and was really quite shit to my mum and my sisters and I about it. Not physically abusive or anything, but just left mum for another woman.

Since then my relationship with my dad hasn’t been great, but we are on speaking terms and meet up a few times a year.

But my mum is a nightmare if she hears that I’m meeting up with him and has a massive rant about how bad he treated us etc....

If I meet him without mentioning it to her she goes on and on about it.

But honestly, I can’t be arsed hating him forever just because she can’t move on.

Again this weekend I am visiting her and popping to his for a cuppa on the way home. She went on a massive rant and I honestly felt like I was taking an anxiety attack listening to her.

I’m so angry with her just now and I’m actually worried i will end up arguing with her and falling out with her this weekend: I just cannot bear to listen to her go on about it anymore

OP posts:
Chikapu · 30/07/2021 09:13

@LaraDecouvrie

The reason I tell her is because she asks; and I have absolutely no reason to lie.
Isn't her reaction, her massive rants and the fact you can't bear listening to her reason enough?
Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 09:14

@2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl unfortunately this weekend we are visiting her: along with DD2: we are taking the train so it’s not as easy to just walk out and leave as it could be. Yes, she is very spiteful at times but can be fine at other times.

I’m making her sound like a monster: and she isn’t really! Just sees no sense over this particular issues

OP posts:
graceville · 30/07/2021 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 09:16

Don’t lie op. But you need to sit her down and talk to her.

My friends mother was like this, it was so sad, she literally never moved on and held a grudge for literally they rest of her life. Which was about fifty years after they split.

shouldistop · 30/07/2021 09:17

My mum was / is the same. Absolutely poisonous about my dad . He died in Dec 2019 and she still likes to get a bitch in.
She's been vile about him since they split up when I was 15. I don't think she realises quite how hard it was to listen to as a teenager.

81Byerley · 30/07/2021 09:21

Your Mum really needs to put you first. I was in her position. I know how it hurts, but I was determined never to make my kids feel they had to choose. I never criticised my ex. I never asked my kids questions about him or the other woman (even when I was desperate to know!!) and I realised that in the future there would be family occasions when we would have to meet, and I didn't want my kids to feel worried about how we would be with each other. The result is that now, years later, we still enjoy seeing each other, it's an affectionate easy relationship. Your Mum's bitterness harms you as well as herself, and you should tell her that.

crikey456 · 30/07/2021 09:31

I would send her a message so it doesn't come across in any sort of shitty tone.

I W

crikey456 · 30/07/2021 09:32

Sorry, will try again!!

I would send her a message so it doesn't come across in any sort of shitty tone.

Personally I W

crikey456 · 30/07/2021 09:34

What on earth is going on with me trying to type today!!

Bugger it, I'll try responding later haha

plodalong12 · 30/07/2021 09:39

@TheSunShinesBrighter
Tell her not to ask you about him.

You can refuse to discuss him with her you know!

From the brief snapshot we’ve got it doesn’t seem that OP’s mother is the type who would respect such a request. And probably a refusal to talk about it is enough of an admission that OP has or is going to see him soon.

OP I would just keep repeating “he is my father”. Yes it’s shit when parents divorce and one gets hurt but it is so cruel to project those feelings onto a child and just expect their love and relationship with one parent to just stop. If she doesn’t listen perhaps it’s best to tell her what you’ve said here, and if she keeps pushing it you’re going to end up falling out with her.

Nobloat21 · 30/07/2021 09:39

I would acknowledge to her that your dad was an utter shit and what a bastard he was, that your mum did a great job with you all etc. Really over egg it. But say, you still want to see him occasionally as he's still your dad, but that doesn't mean you've forgotten what happened. Tell her she must stop going on at you as your relationship with her will suffer eventually. It just validates her feelings a bit.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 09:42

[quote LaraDecouvrie]@TheSunShinesBrighter. Strangely, it doesn’t feel like that. I’m quite assertive normally, but find it hard to be with my mum.[/quote]
Make a change then OP.
Tell her that you won’t discuss him with her in future.

crimsonlake · 30/07/2021 09:54

The impact and ripples of divorce really go on forever.
My DM used to hate us visiting my father, worse still after the visit she would always ask what he had to say? That used to infuriate and astound me and I could hardly tell her that he was calling her a bitch apart from anything else.
I am divorced myself and never do tihs to my grown up children as I do not want to be a repeat of my DM, apart from the fact I am not remotely interested in my ex.
Ironically my DM does ask if my DC's have seen my ex and asks if I know where he lives, what his house is like inside and if he has another woman? She can not comprehend that I have no idea as I never ask them these questions.
I can see both sides of your problem both as a child of divorced parents and as a divorcee myself. As betrayed as she feels about you keeping in contact with your father she should keep her feelings to herself and I know myself how hard that is deep down.
I would either respond with 'not sure' if she asks, or tell her that you wish she would stop asking.

TheGumption · 30/07/2021 10:17

Yanbu
My husbands mother did this to him and his sister. She's absolutely poisonous and it really fucked DH up for a while. Ultimately it ruined their relationship, DH has zero contact with her and she hasn't even met 2 of her grandchildren. Their dad died two years ago and I don't think they'll ever forgive their mum for how she behaved. It was wrong for their dad to leave for someone else but he was still their dad.

Shodan · 30/07/2021 10:31

My mother used to do this too. And was so bitter and poisonous that I had no contact with my dad for a few years as a teenager.

I understand that the divorce really screwed her up (although she did go on to remarry a few years later. And get divorced again a couple of years after that).

But he was my dad. And it was deeply wrong of her to bitch about him to me (or my siblings). It was a major reason for me having no contact with her for a couple of years. When we started meeting again, I told her straight that if she ever did that again, no matter where we were, I would get up and leave.

And I followed through. She started bitching about him over a lunch out. I was mid meal, but got up and left. She was outraged. I spoke to her the next day and told her that that had been her one chance. Bitch about him again and I would cut contact with her again.

Divorce can be terrible. I have every sympathy for the deserted spouse. But you don't bitch to your children about it. Talk to friends or a therapist- but don't screw your children up just because your feelings are more important to you than theirs.

youdoyoutoday · 30/07/2021 10:34

Then just tell her yes you're seeing your dad, yes you know what a shit he was etc but no, I don't want to listen to the rant again.

Branleuse · 30/07/2021 10:39

Tell her that you are perfectly aware he treated her badly,. but this is your actual dad and she has no right to expect you to not see him. Hes the only dad you have, and you wish that she hadnt confided in you for this as its awkward and painful and youd like to have a relationship with him seperate to your relationship with her. It doesnt mean you dont love her or believe her, but its unreasonable of her to have a go at you every time you want to see him.

Zombiemum1946 · 30/07/2021 10:47

I think you're right to tell her how you feel. It sounds like she's immersed so deep in the anger and pain, that she can't see the damage its doing. It may take a while, but consistently telling her will hopefully help her to look past the anger. She maybe needs to try counselling to help with what appears to be deep-seated pain. I think it helps to talk to someone who isn't involved in anyway. Someone who she's free to say whatever she feels without concern of upsetting.

Flamingo49 · 30/07/2021 10:48

My sympathies OP. My mum is just like this. My parents divorced over 30 years ago and she still can't say his name, will call my dad "him" with such venom and bitterness. She seems to have no awareness of how uncomfortable it is for me, and I find it sad that she still holds such bitterness and anger.

Recessed · 30/07/2021 10:50

Oh that's tough. She really should put her feelings aside when she's talking to her children about him. I've been on both sides of this and now have huge admiration for my mother who had every reason to be bitter and hateful about my dad but never was/is. Even when I bitch about him she won't, her stoicism is admirable and really is an underrated trait! Try as a I may I find it immensely difficult to be as neutral about my STBXH, but you have to try your best for your DCs sake as the children (you in this case) didn't ask for or cause this situation.

You need to have a frank but calm conversation with her. Tell her how upsetting you find it, empathise and validate her feelings but tell her firmly that your relationship with your dad is separate to hers and you don't want to discuss it with her anymore as you find her reactions upsetting.

FreeBritnee · 30/07/2021 10:52

So every time she asks you, tell her that you will no longer discuss your father with her, because she can’t keep a handle on her emotions/anger when you do. Make it a topic of conversation that’s out of bounds. If down the line you relent, answer her question truthfully and she kicks off again, you can tell her that is the reason you will no longer discuss it with her. Then shut the door on any reference to your father again.

If she wants to act like a child then treat her like a child.

statetrooperstacey · 30/07/2021 10:59

Try this op,

Mum- are you visiting your dad?
Op- yes we’re dropping in for an hour
Mum- well I hope he’s there you know how unreliable he is the oxygen thieving waste of space……
Op- yeah well you shagged him mum so stfu

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 30/07/2021 11:04

This is parental alienation, and pure selfishness. My husband ran off with my best friend, and I did everything I could to protect my son from any fallout, and he continued to have a close relationship with them both. Harming your child like this is just wicked.

Can you arrange a time to talk to your mum? She needs to hear from you that venting her opinions on him, doesn't hurt him in the slightest. But her wanting you to feel bad about seeing your father, hurts you, and is damaging your relationship with her. That you understand she views your seeing him as disloyal. What he did was wrong. But children shouldn't be forced to cut off one of their parents.

And then tell her you don't want to see her hurt, so you will never discuss him with her again. Next time she starts, say, this conversation is upsetting you, so I'd better go now, and leave.

AmyDudley · 30/07/2021 11:13

My XH was a real piece of work and I have absolutely no contact with him and never want to see him again.

However my tow adult children do keep in contact with him (a bit sporadic, and on my Daughter side more of a duty thing. But my son has a reasonable relationship with him).
I've always seen this as their choice. They have a different relationship with him from me. They respect the fact I don;t like him, and I respect the fact that they want to keep him in their lives. Unwritten rule is that I don't bad mouth him, and they don't tell me anything about him as they know I am not interested.

I don;t see it as disloyalty because children (young or adult) should never be put in the position of having to take sides. The fact is, he is your blood relation, you will always have some sort of connection with him, whether by choice or by birth. Your Mum isn't related to him and she can cut him completely out of her life. It's more complicated for children, even if he is a bit of a shit.

I would just tell your Mum that you respect her choice to have nothing to do with him, and she needs to respect your choice to see him occasionally and you don't appreciate being put in the position of being made to feel guilty if you see him. So she either needs to stop asking you about it, or if she asks and you say you are seeing him, she needs to accept your answer and change the topic of conversation.

You are an adult - you don't need her to tell you he is (in her opinion) an arsehole, - you will decide that for yourself and act accordingly.

Tlollj · 30/07/2021 11:18

I hate my ex with every part of me I wish he was dead.
My grown up kids know this. We just don’t talk about him or anyone remotely connected with him.