Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum to just lay off about this

93 replies

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 00:20

My parents split up 20 years ago.

My dad didn’t behave well and was really quite shit to my mum and my sisters and I about it. Not physically abusive or anything, but just left mum for another woman.

Since then my relationship with my dad hasn’t been great, but we are on speaking terms and meet up a few times a year.

But my mum is a nightmare if she hears that I’m meeting up with him and has a massive rant about how bad he treated us etc....

If I meet him without mentioning it to her she goes on and on about it.

But honestly, I can’t be arsed hating him forever just because she can’t move on.

Again this weekend I am visiting her and popping to his for a cuppa on the way home. She went on a massive rant and I honestly felt like I was taking an anxiety attack listening to her.

I’m so angry with her just now and I’m actually worried i will end up arguing with her and falling out with her this weekend: I just cannot bear to listen to her go on about it anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 22:51

And yip, I completely sympathize that it was awful when it happened, but, I cannot hate someone on someone else’s behalf for something that happened 20 years ago

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 30/07/2021 22:58

@Tiana4

Tell your mum the truth- how it is impacting on you- her life for you will over rude her anger and wish to protect you.

Tell her that you've heard her, you know full well who your dad is. You will always love her, that you know she brought you up alone as dad was unreliable and not a great dad.

But that you don't want to hear her complaining about dad anymore or you will no longer tell her when you will see him, as her complaints make you feel anxious and ill. It has to stop.

I agree with this OP. My husband left us and treated us badly before he left. I was angry for a long time with him. My children have a relationship with him and one with me. they know what he did and they know he is flawed but he is still their dad.

Your mum needs to stop as it is damaging to all of you including herself.

Meraas · 30/07/2021 23:00

I don’t understand why you don’t just say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ when she asks.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 23:11

It’s very easy to say that when you’re not the one dealing with her. Saying that would just send her into an even worse rant when she is in that type of mood unfortunately.

There have been a few posters on here who have had similar issues and probably understand why this is so hard: I do appreciate your support on this.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/07/2021 23:54

My MIL is like that 20yrs after FIL left her. He is still with OW too which makes things even worse.
MIL cannot seem to see that she is making her children's lives shitty by trying to prevent them from seeing their dad. Many happy occasions ie weddings, graduations, christenings have been ruined by her making it all about her feelings. She always threatens not to come if he is invited.
Yes, she was the wronged party but by refusing to move on for all this time we all feel she is now the one in the wrong.

DH's consistent line is 'yes but he is still my dad'. He does not deny that his dad did wrong but she knows he still sees him and he refuses to give out any details to her just for her to bitch about.

On the last family occasion, after 20yrs of her dictating that FIL must never attend and certainly not bring his partner, DHs sister put her foot down and invited everyone and told MIL she was welcome not to come if she didn't like it. She came of course and they didn't speak but it was fine.

Meraas · 31/07/2021 00:06

@LaraDecouvrie

It’s very easy to say that when you’re not the one dealing with her. Saying that would just send her into an even worse rant when she is in that type of mood unfortunately.

There have been a few posters on here who have had similar issues and probably understand why this is so hard: I do appreciate your support on this.

No, but I have an equally difficult mum (she has depression and paranoia) and I don’t shy away from calling her out on things.
noirchatsdeux · 31/07/2021 23:54

My mother is now so bitter about it all - especially since my father married the OW and has now been married to her for longer than he was to her - that when she speaks (rants) to us about him it’s like she’s forgotten that he is our father.

I’ve tried many times over the last 32 years to point out to her that’s she being unreasonable…all I get is replies like “you are all adults you deserve to know the truth about your father” Of course pointing out that it’s only the ‘truth’ as she sees it goes down like a bowl of cold vomit…

Her family has form for this sort of behaviour. She had 2 brothers, living in the same small house with another one, who had an argument and stop speaking to each other in 1983. One died in 2018, the other last year. Still both living in the same house, they died having never spoken to each other again.

lljkk · 01/08/2021 00:17

I had something similar with my parents. My mother couldn't not know because she & my dad lived in same town, 4000 miles from me. if I wasn't staying with her, I'd be staying with him. My mother ruined many relationships by her complete inability to stop complaining about my dad (including hateful remarks in front of his family, to all their mutual friends, to his colleagues, etc). She couldn't discipline herself not to. I wasn't willing to go NC with her about it which really was only way to stop my exposure to those comments. She spent a lot of time telling everyone they were to blame for the failure of her marriage (eg., because we didn't try to stop him leaving).

One thing that helped was make it sound like I was only seeing him very briefly. Eg: Make it seem like she got 2 hours but he got just 15 minutes. I don't feel bad for misleading her.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 01/08/2021 17:13

To the rest of the world she has moved on. But she saves it all for my and my sisters.

Thankfully this weekend it wasn’t mentioned even once. So my annoyed response the other night must have put a sock in it

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 01/08/2021 18:10

I think I would say 'I love you and I can't discuss this with you any more - I'm his daughter not his wife, so have a different relationship with him.'

That puts the ball in her court.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 01/08/2021 22:43

@Thelnebriati thanks for that.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2021 22:49

Simply do not tell her you are going....ever.
She is entitled to her feelings. She was very badly hurt.
My first husband beat and abused me and treated me terribly, he wasn't allowed to see my DS growing up - court order.
Now my DS is 40 he occasionally sees his father, they don't really get on but it happens.
I feel hurt, angry, pissed off that my DS would want to see someone who hurt me so badly especially as I worked really hard to bring him up on my own with no maintenance whatsoever as my ex refused to pay.
I am entitled to be hurt, pissed off and angry and I have told my DS I don't need to know about their relationship so he no longer mentions it.

Original poster
LaraDecouvrie · 05/08/2021 11:20

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I am really sorry for what had happened to you, but my dad did not abuse my mum physically or mentally. He just left her for another woman and was a bit crap about it all.

He didn’t leave her with small children, my sisters and I were all working (aged 18, 19 and 20) when he left.

And the only reason I tell her is that she asks. And I’m not going to start lying.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/08/2021 11:29

@LaraDecouvrie

The reason I tell her is because she asks; and I have absolutely no reason to lie.
Answer with "Sorry mum, but that isn't any of your business. Please stop asking me". Don't lie but you don't have to tell her either.
LookItsMeAgain · 05/08/2021 11:31

@statetrooperstacey

Try this op,

Mum- are you visiting your dad?
Op- yes we’re dropping in for an hour
Mum- well I hope he’s there you know how unreliable he is the oxygen thieving waste of space……
Op- yeah well you shagged him mum so stfu

This might also work! Smile
EmmalineC · 05/08/2021 11:32

My mother has never moved on from divorcing my father more than 30 years ago, and slags him off at any opportunity. The best way me and my 2 brothers deal with her is to ignore, ignore, ignore, then change the subject. We no longer tell her when we're seeing dad, so lying by omission perhaps? But it keeps the peace.

LindaEllen · 05/08/2021 11:32

When my mum badmouths my dad to me I simply tell her I don't want to hear it, I know what went on, but he's still my dad and I need to try and have a relationship with him. I just shut down any kind of conversation like that.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 05/08/2021 11:37

Answer with "Sorry mum, but that isn't any of your business. Please stop asking me".
Don't lie but you don't have to tell her either.

Great advice.

Could you also write to her, stating briefly why you need her to stop harassing you about this?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread