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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mum to just lay off about this

93 replies

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 00:20

My parents split up 20 years ago.

My dad didn’t behave well and was really quite shit to my mum and my sisters and I about it. Not physically abusive or anything, but just left mum for another woman.

Since then my relationship with my dad hasn’t been great, but we are on speaking terms and meet up a few times a year.

But my mum is a nightmare if she hears that I’m meeting up with him and has a massive rant about how bad he treated us etc....

If I meet him without mentioning it to her she goes on and on about it.

But honestly, I can’t be arsed hating him forever just because she can’t move on.

Again this weekend I am visiting her and popping to his for a cuppa on the way home. She went on a massive rant and I honestly felt like I was taking an anxiety attack listening to her.

I’m so angry with her just now and I’m actually worried i will end up arguing with her and falling out with her this weekend: I just cannot bear to listen to her go on about it anymore

OP posts:

Theoldcuriosityshop · 30/07/2021 11:34

Mine was the same. I was not allowed to have him at my wedding, I then didn't see him for years and when I did I never told my mother. She never knew that he had another child either. I lost touch with my lovely grandmother as well and she died without me ever seeing her again. We were cut off from my dads side of the family completely because of the bitterness that she felt. That's why when my marriage broke up I made sure that my DC kept in touch with grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles.

ActonSquirrel · 30/07/2021 11:39

@shouldistop

My mum was / is the same. Absolutely poisonous about my dad . He died in Dec 2019 and she still likes to get a bitch in. She's been vile about him since they split up when I was 15. I don't think she realises quite how hard it was to listen to as a teenager.

Quite honestly that level of vitriol would make me wonder why he left in the first place and if she had anything to do with it.

It must have been present in the relationship. It doesn't just come from nowhere.

I know I quoted your post but it was a good example but mean it about anyone's situation.

Just stop engaging her. Deprive her of her opportunity to have a bitch fest.

RedHelenB · 30/07/2021 11:57

@MrsTerryPratchett

Something someone said to me years ago may be something to share, "mum, my dad is half of who I am. When you say these things to me about him, I feel them about myself".

See, I don't agree with th at. You're dads a racist, a racist , a murderer. But I do agree that a child has 2 parents and it's their right to choose how often they see them.

househousehousefox · 30/07/2021 12:11

@MrsTerryPratchett

Something someone said to me years ago may be something to share, "mum, my dad is half of who I am. When you say these things to me about him, I feel them about myself".

I really needed to kear this about my mil. Thanks you really changed my outlook in a single sentence

Iwonder08 · 30/07/2021 12:40

OP, shut it down very firmly. It took me 15 years.. I tried listening to my mum thinking perhaps she just need to get it off her chest, tried explaining that perhaps he was a bad husband, but he is still a good dad for me, tried explaining how hard it is for me to listen to her endless recaps of how horrible he was to her, that he is a half of who i am.. Nothing worked, she never stopped. As a result I hardly speak to her. She now hates me almost as much as she hates my dad

Peccary · 30/07/2021 12:54

Deal with this now before it impacts the next generation. I am your DD in this situation. My mum's dad left for another woman, my gran never got over it. We had to pretend he didn't exist, children asked to lie if we went to visit him. It was almost a relief that one of them died before I was married so I didn't have to choose (it was usually him that missed all the occasions as the "wrongdoer")

Shodan · 30/07/2021 12:55

Quite honestly that level of vitriol would make me wonder why he left in the first place and if she had anything to do with it.

It must have been present in the relationship. It doesn't just come from nowhere.

Indeed. Something I came to realise as an adult, listening to my mother's complaints about more or less everyone in her life. It made me sad for her, tbh - the only person whose life was still being ruined by her attitude was her own. She wasted her life in bitterness and bile.

Fernando072020 · 30/07/2021 12:58

Your mum is being selfish. Yes your dad cheated (also selfish), but he wants a relationship with you now regardless of what's happened and if you want that too then it's really none of your mum's business

Yahtze · 30/07/2021 13:20

I think you need to be blunt. She's a huge hypocrite. She's hurting her own children by repeating to indulge her own vitriol. She's asking you to carry that burden. He made one decision 20 years ago. She's repeatedly chosen to hurt her children over and over again. It doesn't paint a pretty picture! It does make it seem like your dad had a lucky escape.

memberofthewedding · 30/07/2021 13:26

My grandmother used to say "What the eye does not see the heart does not grieve over". Dont tell her.

longtompot · 30/07/2021 13:29

You could answer with a question. If she asks just say why do you want to know?

Or just say, as others have suggested, you will not discuss it with her. Change the subject.

Or tell her just because they aren't together doesn't stop him being your dad. Just because you visit him doesn't mean you have forgotten about his behaviour.

AlternativePerspective · 30/07/2021 13:30

20 years on there is absolutely 0 reason for bringing up what a shit he was etc etc etc. These bitter women bring about their own downfall as far as I’m concerned, in fact when someone is as bitter as all that so far along it makes me wonder what the marriage was like and whether perhaps the man was justified in leaving, even if it was for someone else.

What’s that saying?

Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

If she asks again I would say that it was 20 years ago and frankly you don’t care about what happened then, you’re all adults and should act as such and you no longer want to hear about it.

Original poster

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 13:31

Apart from this she is a great mother.... she is like the gestapo with questions though... always has been, with everyone. An ex boyfriend was terrified of her with all her questions when he first met her (where do you work? How do you get to work? What does your mum do? Oh, she’s a cleaner at the school: does she know Aggie McBagii)

But yeah, the bitterness is getting me down. I thought it had calmed down a bit, but something has triggered it again. It’s impacted me and my sisters weddings (dad didn’t come to mine, and Mum threw a tantrum at my sisters wedding due to order of receiving line). One sister actually won’t talk at all about dad and if anyone mentions him she just blanks them as if they didn’t say anything. Her wife said that she’s the same at home, dad is never mentioned

OP posts:

melj1213 · 30/07/2021 13:32

Next time you visit you need to get in ahead of her asking to tell her how you feel. If you wait until she asks about your dad then it will inevitably end in an argument but if you speak to her about it before she brings it up then you are the one I control of the situation.

"Mum, before you ask yes I am going to be seeing my dad soon and I want to talk to you about this situation. Every time I visit you ask if I am going to visit him and put me in a position where I either have to tell the truth and listen to you disparage him again or lie to keep the peace and I do not want to have to do that any more. My relationship with my father is separate to the one you have with your exhusband and you need to respect the fact that I wish to have a civil relationship with him as my father. Please do not ask me about him again. If you do then I will leave as I have made my wishes very clear and I will not stay when I am being disrespected."

AlternativePerspective · 30/07/2021 13:38

I have a family member who left his partner for an OW. I don’t know the details, what I do know though is that his parents went out of their way to look out for her and her kids, and were disgusted by his actions.

However, a couple of years on they started speaking to their DS again, and despite everything they had done for her and her DC, she cut them off entirely and told the children that they could no longer see their grandparents because they were once again speaking to their dad.

About a year on the eldest child has cut his mother off and is living with his dad, and a year after that the youngest is seeing both her dad and the grandparents on the sly, and is waiting until she is 16 so she can move out.

Betrayed spouses need to think very carefully before they start projecting their bitterness on to their kids, because they do stand to lose everything, and that won’t be the fault of the cheating partner, it will be theirs.

SeeYaBeYa · 30/07/2021 14:38

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable tbh. I mean yeah obviously it's not nice to listen to her but having a panic attack over it, really?

Up to her if she "can't get over" (to use your words) having her life ripped apart by someone she loved and trusted, similarly up to you if you "can't get over" her being angry about it.

I mean she's a grown up but so are you and she doesn't have to shield you from anything that might upset you.

You both need to find a way to work matters out so that she feels acknowledged and you feel able to make your own decisions.

MagnoliaBeige · 30/07/2021 14:49

I’d speak to her about this in advance of the weekend, maybe by text, to let her know your plans and make it clear you don’t want to discuss it with her. Then if she raises it again when you see her, you walk away from the conversation - show her know your boundaries and stick to them.

EvilPea · 30/07/2021 14:51

DH’s mum is like this.
I get it, having had shit head boyfriends and helped friends through divorces and their kids with shit dads. I get it. I really do. I can see how she would feel that he doesn’t get the good stuff of spending time with the wonderful adult you’ve become because of her hard work when you were little. I can see how she feels he doesn’t deserve it.

However, it’s not fair. You are part of your dad, your relationship with your dad is your own. Not hers. You can understand and recognise her hurt, but it’s not a betrayal of her to want that relationship with him. 20 years is a long time and I have no doubt he regrets his actions now seeing the woman you’ve become.
Ultimately it’s not about her, it’s nothing to do with what he deserves. It’s you and your dads relationship, she isn’t involved.

Original poster

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 17:14

I was 20 when they split, so my dad had a huge impact on my upbringing (forgot that mn readers can’t see me hence don’t know if I’m 20 or 60 lol)

OP posts:

Daisychainsandglitter · 30/07/2021 17:36

Your mum sounds like mine. As a child I was cross examined every time I saw him until I'd cry. I'd literally be terrified when my dad would call to wish me happy birthday or happy Christmas.
She'd send my presents to charity shops.
She used emotional blackmail when I was older and I learnt to develop a completely blank face but as I got older I saw how nasty, spiteful and bitter she was.
She said when I was older that if I had a relationship with my dad she wouldn't be able to have a relationship with me. This was after 20 years had passed. She could never move on and she was the one that had the affair.
Thankfully we are now no contact and I am very close to my dad.
Like you OP I am fairly confident in my daily life but I find my mum really quite frightening when starts on the subject of my dad and I find it really difficult to stand up for myself or get any kind or reasonable response across so I know how you feel and you have my sympathies.

TheTallOakTrees · 30/07/2021 18:11

20 years and still bitter harms her (and her relationship with you) not him.

Tell her to shut up about it. What a pain she is. Still bitter and hoping to sway you against him. Don't tell her when you see him.

Tell her to stop the moaning

TheTallOakTrees · 30/07/2021 18:13

Ps no wonder he left her imagine living with someone that holds onto bitterness for 20 years.

TheTallOakTrees · 30/07/2021 18:27

@shouldistop

That is so sad.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 30/07/2021 18:46

My MIL is like this and after 40 YEARS she hasnt moved on from her bitterness. It ultimately meant that DH and his siblings dont like her deep down because of the emotional manipulation of them. It impacts family gatherings (or lack of them) even now and every family wedding, Xmas or funeral is STILL about her feelings. FIL is/was a twat, but tbh she isnt much better!

Original poster

LaraDecouvrie · 30/07/2021 22:46

@SeeYaBeYa. Yes, a panic attack. I’ve had mental health issues in the past, but not for the past couple of years. When she started ranting and raving I felt like I was beginning to have a panic attack.

Unfortunately I can’t always control what triggers a panic attack. Someone shouting at me seems to be a trigger though: and not one that happens often in adult life

OP posts:

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