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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming about fucking DH playing golf...

95 replies

pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 11:29

...on his only day off from work (Sundays)?

Every Sunday.

I work from home a few hours each evening, but I'm still co sleeping and bfing our 1 year old to sleep....including nap times. So he doesn't have to do any of that.....

He works in a very physically demanding job 6 days a week and brings home the large majority of our income (we're still skint though). He declares that this entitles him to do what he likes on his only day off. He also said I had the 'luxury' of being at home every day and that's the deal.

His golf membership costs £80 a month too by the way, and we are living hand to mouth.
On the other hand the only thing he ever does for himself is golf - he never goes out with the 'lads' etc, he's not interested in that. We never go out together either.

I told him I'd get a full time job and put DD in childcare if his attitude is that he can do what he wants on a Sunday, because I can't deal with the unfairness anymore and the attitude that I have to look after DD 7 days a week because its easier than his job.

He has swanned off to a golf comp at 7am and won't be back til 2pm. Meanwhile I've been left with the chores and a teething, tantruming DD.

I've also forgotten to get him a father's day card and I've decided I'm not going out of my way to get him one either.

So am I being a bit harsh? YABU
Or is he being a dick? YANBU

OP posts:
Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 11:31

Sorry to drip feed but getting a full time job for myself would be tricky for our family because I home educate our eldest DD(12) who has severe social anxiety.

OP posts:
WhatTheFlap · 20/06/2021 11:55

Does he do any parenting whatsoever?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/06/2021 11:59

If it was just today for Father’s Day it would be one thing, but it’s obviously not. It’s unreasonable for him to spend no time with the kids - or you - at all, yes.

In less maybe at 2 pm he takes over completely?

Can you get some help to manage your daughter back into school and help her deal with the social anxiety? It can’t be the best thing for it to be away for all other children, surely?

Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 11:59

Yes he's the doting dad when he's here. He doesn't do bedtimes because I bfeed.

OP posts:
Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 12:03

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

If it was just today for Father’s Day it would be one thing, but it’s obviously not. It’s unreasonable for him to spend no time with the kids - or you - at all, yes.

In less maybe at 2 pm he takes over completely?

Can you get some help to manage your daughter back into school and help her deal with the social anxiety? It can’t be the best thing for it to be away for all other children, surely?

My eldest dd still socialises with her friends. We are both happy with the home ed and she's doing well. Ofcourse this means it would be tricky for me to work full time. Hence why I work in the evenings from home.

Of and when I do 'disappear upstairs for a break' on a Saturday or Sunday evening I get hassled by the kids anyway.

I've just signed up to start volunteering at a farm animal sanctuary and I'll be telling DH that I'll be gone from 7am-4pm every Sunday.

If he wants to play golf he can sort childcare.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/06/2021 12:05

I think I'd work FT and get private therapy for your DD.

LannieDuck · 20/06/2021 12:09

You should be splitting the available free time. He can have the 'luxury' of staying at home with the baby 2 Sundays a month.

Tossblanket · 20/06/2021 12:09

He gets a day off, you get a day off.

He'll soon realise parenting is a job and a tough one at that.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/06/2021 12:16

Full time job and therapy for your dd.
I'm on the fence about the golf tbh because my dh went to football every Saturday when DC were small and it was always a minimum of 4 hours. It's golf now though but dc are grown up. He did a very demanding job - brain surgeon genre but not that and I felt he needed a break and I loved being with the DC.

However you are looking after a young baby and home schooling a 12 year old - I imagine that's full on 14/15 hours a day and it is not acceptable if you get no respite from that. At least before going to football dh gave me a lie in and a few hours off on Saturday mornings. And I had some paid help.

I'd be ready in your hat and coat at 2pm and tell him you are off to the shops and will be having a coffee out and if he could please get dinner underway.

SummerBreeze1980 · 20/06/2021 12:23

Can you not have from 2pm as your time off? Then you both get a similar amount of time off.

By the way, I home educate my ASD DS. It can be such a good option for DC with additional needs. They can go to classes and socialise but in smaller groups. My DS has thrived. He is 14 and is starting college 3 days a week in September.

dudsville · 20/06/2021 12:26

If he's entitled to do what he likes with his free time, and that doesn't include you and your child at least some of the time, and if it also doesn't include a wish for you to have an equal amount of free time (because someone who lives you will wish this), then doesn't this say all you need to know?

SausagePourHomme · 20/06/2021 12:28

Therapy is a process, not an immediate fix.

IronTeeth · 20/06/2021 12:29

@pasteldreams

Sorry to drip feed but getting a full time job for myself would be tricky for our family because I home educate our eldest DD(12) who has severe social anxiety.
Guess DH will have to start some of the home schooling then!?

Is there no way you can get DD into a small school with some help. My DS has aspergers and anxiety, and we had a lot of help from the education service. (I'm sure you have tried everything, but dont give up)

Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 13:19

He's just messaged me saying he was having a pint with the others and they were saying they love fathers day cos they get no hassle, and he said "not me it's the same as every other day"

Well boo bloody hoo.
Fuck fathers day and fuck him.

OP posts:
Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 13:20

Isn't fathers day supposed to be about time with your kids anyway?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/06/2021 13:25

Has this just got worse since you had the youngest or has he always been like this!

Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 13:30

The eldest is not biologically his so we've only recently experienced having a young child together.

OP posts:
Original poster
pasteldreams · 20/06/2021 13:31

But yes he's always played sport on his day off. It used to be football but recently switched to golf...which is worse because it takes most of the day.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 20/06/2021 13:46

Why does he only get one day off? That sounds very hard. It might be better if he could take some time to himself on one of the evenings in the week (when do golf courses close?!) and just used some weekend time each month not every week. If he's back by 2 and ready to have some family time then I don't honestly think that's too bad.
It is complicated by the fact that you need to be at home not just for his baby but for your other child, so no prospect of earning more and him being able to cut back a bit.

Anyusernameleft · 20/06/2021 13:50

Leave him to it when he gets hlme...you stick on your jacket & head out for your 'me time'. Be gone all afternoon, express the feed & be gone....

Anyusernameleft · 20/06/2021 13:50

*home!

DamnUserName21 · 20/06/2021 13:56

I'm not sure I could begrudge him his Sunday morning hobby if he works hard and steps up in evenings. However, he needs to ensure he has family time and you get time off too.

Yes, Father's Day should be about the family but is now seen as the father to have a 'day off' at the pub with his friends.

Does he have to work 6 days a week and are they full days? Does he share chores, caring responsibilities etc, in evenings?

Any chance your DD can be phased back into school so you can build a life outside of the home?

LittleLottieChaos · 20/06/2021 14:13

Golf rather seems to be the douche bag dad go to hobby these days.

Only fair if you both have equal ‘time off’.

Scotabroad24 · 20/06/2021 14:14

YANBU

Men are arseholes.

Being a SAHM/on Mat leave is so bloody difficult sometimes - my partner also works 6 long days/nights per week and never ever sees how lonely and tiring being stuck at home with a baby is. Think he thinks I'm just ungrateful and moany. Which yes I am today. And most other days this week. You need wine Wine I also need wine Wine

Whyhello · 20/06/2021 14:20

Yeah, he just sounds like a ginormous twat really. As a one off or even maybe once a month, this wouldn’t be such an issue especially if he had two days off a week rather than one. He’s using the only day he gets off to play golf all day so isn’t really spending any time with your DC at all. Beyond selfish. I’d just ditch him in all honesty, he’s wasting a lot of money on himself when you’re skint too.