Punishing for a detention

[MSQuinn]

Year 7 DD has got her first after school detention for an hour after school. Her card says it’s because she got four warnings - 2 for uniform, 1 for littering and one for poor behaviour around the school. Would you also punish at home?

No. My dd Yr 7 has also had her first detention for refusing to participate in a team sport in PE (she is terrible at sports and was getting laughed at for her lack of skills by the other kids. Whole other thread).

She likes to go the park after schools with her friends, so she was also unable to do that.

That was punishment enough.

How old is year 7 and what was the instance of poor behaviour?

Year 7 is 11/12

no

She was 12 in April. They’ve not elaborated on the poor behaviour but I’m guessing it’s not serious as serious incidents warrant a detention on their own. The detention is because she had four amber warnings. I haven’t spoken to her yet as she’s out with her dad. I’d prefer not to punish her as life at home is difficult as she has two severely disabled siblings but she’s the oldest so I’m not entirely sure what is best as this is a first detention.

It depends what the poor behaviour was. If it was very disrespectful then maybe I would also punish at home too. For littering and uniform no.

If it was just for uniform, then I think the detention would be enough of a punishment but it depends on what behaviour the behaviour warning was for. That's the one that makes me think an additional punishment at home might be appropriate.

No not for try t ! jeez pick your battles. It’s petty in the grand scheme.

Could she be acting out due to the amount of attention her siblings (understandably) get?

No I wouldn’t but we do have a chat about what they did, why and how I don’t expect this to happen again.

@Mellonsprite

It depends what the poor behaviour was. If it was very disrespectful then maybe I would also punish at home too. For littering and uniform no.

I agree with this.

No. She’s been punished by the school, I’d probably have a chat about it but no additional punishment. Would you expect the school to punish her for something she’d done at home, that you’d already punished her for?

I'd find out what the warnings were for, and probably tell her it was a "fair cop". The school is dishing out a relevant punishment, so unless you feel it's unfair, I'd leave it at that. Perhaps a chat about how you could avoid another detention, if she's open to discussion.
Look at it this way; if she had done something transgressive at home, would you expect school to back up with sanctions at school?
Check with DH when they get back. Who knows, while she's been out with him, she may have poured out her heart to him;? Tt may be a shock, if she's got as far as her 12th birthday without having had a detention before.

No she is being punished by the school, that is enough.

You should talk to her about it, particularly the behaviour items, in a supportive, non judgmental way.

No - the school has dealt with it. Discuss at home is enough.

It kind of depends on what the behaviour was. If I feel my kid has been disrespectful to a teacher, I have asked for evidence of a written apology before they are allowed out anywhere.

Littering would make me cross, and I might consider spending some time litter picking.

No.

And I wouldn't expect the school to give her a detention for not loading the dishwasher.

I’m an ex secondary teacher. In this situation I would have wanted a parent to say to their child that they are disappointed and you don’t want to see them getting a detention again and then draw a line a under it.

Don’t make her life easier by picking her up from school if she usually walks home.

No, the detention IS the punishment.

I think that you should make it clear that you are disappointed, but this time there won't be any punishment at home but if it continues, especially around the poor behaviour, that could change.

I’d discuss it and make it clear I don’t expect it to happen again but no I wouldn’t punish twice

My son has had two detentions recently. One for looking on his phone during a lesson, for which we didn't punish him further. The other was for trying to damage property, which we did punish him for. We felt that the latter could potentially be classed as criminal damage so we wanted to press home how wrong it was.

I would definitely be having a “chat” and my ds would be under no illusions what I thought!

If it was anything more serious then yes there would be a punishment at home too.

I'd definitely have a chat about the littering and poor behaviour, but no, I would not sanction further.

Normally I take the "it was dealt with by the school" angle and don't re-punish, but that's for little mistakes like forgetting homework. 4 amber warnings for basically being the sort of disruptive who ruins school for everyone around them - I'd be having further words.

2 for uniform suggests she's deliberately altering it to cause trouble, littering is very unpleasant in an older child and then outright rudeness? Yeah, there'd be some privileges gone for that lot. There's lenient, and then there's a pushover.