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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect woman to not pop in to see DH at work

91 replies

Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:31

I thought a woman and my DH were getting a bit too close. DH and I had a major falling-out over it. In the end, DH agreed to cut ties with the woman. AIBU to expect the woman to not pop in to see DH when he's at work when there's some major local gossip she wants to talk to him about?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 08/05/2021 14:34

I don't think theres anywhere near enough information for anyone to answer that. Are/were they friends? Does she know you banned them seeing each other? Does your DP want to stop seeing her? What's his job and does his boss mind?

I would say though that if you need to ban him from seeing other women - whether you have genuine reasons not to trust him or not - your relationship is doomed.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2021 14:34

Well, he hasn't cut ties with her if she's still popping in at his work, has he?

HilaryBriss · 08/05/2021 14:37

Where does he work? I mean if he works in a shop then I can't really see an issue, she could be going in anyway. If he works in an office/factory or similar, then it's odd.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:39

She knows damn well that circumstances surrounding her brought us to the brink of divorce. I suspected EA but DH strongly denied. Maintained that they were just friends. I never banned him. He came to the decision himself that it would be best to sever ties with her. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over the event. He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 14:41

Well he clearly hasn't explained to her that he is unable to see her anymore because of your concerns

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2021 14:42

Where does he work?

In a shop? In another public place?

ComDummings · 08/05/2021 14:42

Do you think he’s still encouraging this contact? If not then surely she’s stalking him if he’s made it clear he wants nothing to do with her.

PegPeople · 08/05/2021 14:45

@WorraLiberty

Where does he work?

In a shop? In another public place?

This is what I was wondering. Ii cannot see it being somewhere like an office especially with Covid restrictions still in place so if its a public building like a shop surely he cannot ban her from coming in?
Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:47

It's not the sort of place where you'd just happen to go in, like Tescos. It's not privately secure either, not like an office. She'd be making a special trip to pop in as she could easily avoid it if she was bothered about my feelings. He's definitely not encouraging contact. Maybe he didn't explain it properly to her. If it had been me in her shoes I would have taken the hint that the wife had concerns and I would have just walked away - there are plenty of other friends you can gossip with. Why antagonise the situation? I just feel better then she pops up again.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 14:49

Yes. It isn't your DH's fault though if she turns up. He can't run away from his workplace. I assume he has told her to leave him alone?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/05/2021 14:49

He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.

So he told her that you didn’t want contact?

He clearly didn’t say he thought it was inappropriate and didn’t want contact, or she wouldn’t be popping in to talk to him, she wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in agreement with you that the contact should stop. He’s stopped it, but it sounds like he’s hidden behind you as the reason why, and that’s created this weird loop where they feel they can have contact away from you.

It’s him that needs to be on side here. If he didn’t want contact with her, she wouldn’t pop in to chat to him, nobody wants to talk to someone who isn’t interested in talking to them.

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 14:50

To be honest, it sounds like he hasn't been clear enough with her. He's obviously given her some wishy washy story of Padmail's a bit stressed about our friendship.

Popping into his work to see him with a bit of juicy gossip shows that she's taken not a blind bit of notice that ties are severed between them. Even if it's a public place if someone had told you that they wanted absolutely no contact with you ever again then surely your own dignity would ensure that you avoided the place they worked in. You'd shop somewhere else. Or take your car to a different garage.

Whatever.

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 14:51

He shouldn't be saying it's because you are uncomfortable it should be because he is uncomfortable and thinks it's for the best.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:52

@TakeYourFinalPosition

He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.

So he told her that you didn’t want contact?

He clearly didn’t say he thought it was inappropriate and didn’t want contact, or she wouldn’t be popping in to talk to him, she wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in agreement with you that the contact should stop. He’s stopped it, but it sounds like he’s hidden behind you as the reason why, and that’s created this weird loop where they feel they can have contact away from you.

It’s him that needs to be on side here. If he didn’t want contact with her, she wouldn’t pop in to chat to him, nobody wants to talk to someone who isn’t interested in talking to them.

Thanks. That makes sense.
OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 14:52

Well he clearly didn't actually explain to her that he wasn't allowed to see her at all. Maybe he should text her and be crystal clear that he is not going to have any contact with her ever again. And you can see the message he sends for reassurance

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:53

@MadMadMadamMim

To be honest, it sounds like he hasn't been clear enough with her. He's obviously given her some wishy washy story of Padmail's a bit stressed about our friendship.

Popping into his work to see him with a bit of juicy gossip shows that she's taken not a blind bit of notice that ties are severed between them. Even if it's a public place if someone had told you that they wanted absolutely no contact with you ever again then surely your own dignity would ensure that you avoided the place they worked in. You'd shop somewhere else. Or take your car to a different garage.

Whatever.

This makes sense too.
OP posts:
Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:54

@ThatIsMyPotato

He shouldn't be saying it's because you are uncomfortable it should be because he is uncomfortable and thinks it's for the best.
Thing is, I think he is uncomfortable about it. He sounded uncomfortable last time he told me she'd popped in. Maybe he's a coward and hasn't been clear with her and is hoping she'll just go away after a while.
OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 08/05/2021 14:55

She is aware there was an issue? she should back off too, very defiant by the sounds of it.
He let her get close now he needs to be firm, it sounds like she doesn't care for the warning.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:58

@EmeraldShamrock

She is aware there was an issue? she should back off too, very defiant by the sounds of it. He let her get close now he needs to be firm, it sounds like she doesn't care for the warning.
She's narcissistic, likes to be the centre of attention, bossy. She would have hated losing contact with him. I think he was a bit of a lapdog around her so she's lost that attention.
OP posts:
drspouse · 08/05/2021 14:58

Can't he tell her "the boss" has said no more visitors due to COVID, and then block her number?

AcornCups · 08/05/2021 14:58

He either still likes the contact
Or is a spineless twat

Neither is attractive is it.

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 14:59

He needs to make it crystal clear in writing so he can go to the police if she turns stalkery

JenerationH · 08/05/2021 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/05/2021 15:03

You both need to get serious as a team.
I know her type as I was reading your OP I'd an image of a person I'm acquainted with, given the update my suspicions are correct.
Living in fantasy land while the world moves around her.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 15:04

It's a situation he isn't controlling as you wish and according to you have made clear to him.

The emphasis from you seems to be on blaming her.