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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect woman to not pop in to see DH at work

91 replies

Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:31

I thought a woman and my DH were getting a bit too close. DH and I had a major falling-out over it. In the end, DH agreed to cut ties with the woman. AIBU to expect the woman to not pop in to see DH when he's at work when there's some major local gossip she wants to talk to him about?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/05/2021 15:04

How do they know each other and for how long? What exactly were they doing and is he 'allowed' any female friends?

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 15:05

Well we can't know the actual reality.

But if you have agreed that he shouldn't see her, under any circumstances. Then he needs to actually tell her that.

Its not clear that he's actually told her.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 15:07

He's "agreed" to cut ties with her - so has he told her?

KatherineJaneway · 08/05/2021 15:15

So if he is not easily accessible in public I.e. shop floor staff in retail, then he could have refused to see her.

Sounds to me like she is making a 'move' after you said your dh needs to cut contact. A power play. I think he's been economical with the truth with regards to what he told her.

whycantwegoonasthree · 08/05/2021 15:15

This woman doesn't have any obligation to you – your husband does. Your problem is with him, not her.

I know it's easier to blame her – because to admit that your husband is at fault for letting it go as far as it it did, and then clearly not setting or reinforcing the boundaries you'd agreed, has implications for you that 'nasty OW is the problem' doesn't.

musingloud · 08/05/2021 15:51

What were they doing that made you think they were too close?

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 15:54

@whycantwegoonasthree

This woman doesn't have any obligation to you – your husband does. Your problem is with him, not her.

I know it's easier to blame her – because to admit that your husband is at fault for letting it go as far as it it did, and then clearly not setting or reinforcing the boundaries you'd agreed, has implications for you that 'nasty OW is the problem' doesn't.

Agree absolutely. She's not in the marriage - he is.
LovePoppy · 08/05/2021 15:56

@Padmail

She knows damn well that circumstances surrounding her brought us to the brink of divorce. I suspected EA but DH strongly denied. Maintained that they were just friends. I never banned him. He came to the decision himself that it would be best to sever ties with her. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over the event. He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.
Husband problem

Not woman problem

Blame the proper person

Donitta · 08/05/2021 15:57

You need to put your foot down here. He needs to tell her she is never to contact him again. Then you need to reinforce that by telling her the same thing yourself (and not in a nice way).

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 15:57

Unless she's literally stalking him and refusing to go away when he clearly tells her he doesn't want to be involved then you need to take it up with DH.

BigFatLiar · 08/05/2021 16:00

Some men find it difficult to tell women to push off, it's not seen as gentlemanly. Tell him he needs to simply tell her to piss off next time she comes near, if you're around you can tell her as well. As its a situation you don't want it's fine to be as rude as you need.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:00

@MichelleScarn

How do they know each other and for how long? What exactly were they doing and is he 'allowed' any female friends?
Not taking that BS implication that I don't allow him female friends. That's utter nonsense. Just seems to me that sometimes some of us have the misfortune to have to deal with potential threats to our marriages. Regarding her, she seems to have missed the understanding of the unspoken female code. I'm convinced it's a power play like pp said. In fact, I've wondered if their entire relationship was a powerplay on her part.
OP posts:
Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:01

@BigFatLiar

Some men find it difficult to tell women to push off, it's not seen as gentlemanly. Tell him he needs to simply tell her to piss off next time she comes near, if you're around you can tell her as well. As its a situation you don't want it's fine to be as rude as you need.
Thanks, you're right. Never had to be this rude before.
OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 16:05

Unspoken female code? Is this serious? I don't buy into this notion that you should be confronting her either. If your husband doesn't want to have any social contact with her it's up to him to say so.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:06

I disagree that it's a husband problem. I agree that he might be a spineless twat, or that he might just want not to seem ungentlemanly (I think it's a bit of both).
I think the problem is predominantly her and her narcissistic nature continually needing attention.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 08/05/2021 16:06

@Donitta

You need to put your foot down here. He needs to tell her she is never to contact him again. Then you need to reinforce that by telling her the same thing yourself (and not in a nice way).
This! Get him to tell her clearly to keep away and you are to witness that call or message. Then contact her yourself and tell her to back off. Mark her card OP shes taking the piss
gannett · 08/05/2021 16:06

You can't control what other adults do.

She can go where she wants.

He can see who he wants, and if he doesn't want to be rude to anyone, he doesn't have to be.

If you feel you can't trust him, given the above, then you need to rethink whether this is a healthy relationship or one you want to be in.

gannett · 08/05/2021 16:07

You might very well be right that she's a narcissist making a power play.

Thing is, you still can't control what she does.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 16:09

You're determined to blame her and absolve him aren't you? You haven't actually said what's been happening that has upset you - to the extent of being near a nervous breakdown.

SelkieFly · 08/05/2021 16:10

.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:11

@gannett

You can't control what other adults do.

She can go where she wants.

He can see who he wants, and if he doesn't want to be rude to anyone, he doesn't have to be.

If you feel you can't trust him, given the above, then you need to rethink whether this is a healthy relationship or one you want to be in.

Thing is, I do trust him. I know absolutely that he loves his life with me. Things may or may not have happened in the past between them. That's in the past for me. I know categorically that he doesn't want a repeat of what happened between us when the issue came to light. It's like she felt she managed to worm her way into our life together without me at first noticing, then when I did notice, she didn't like it that things changed.
OP posts:
DIshedUp · 08/05/2021 16:13

But even if she is a narcissist making a power play if your DH doesn't engage does it really matter?

Her behaviour is entirely irrelevant to you. Its your DHs behaviour that you need to be looking at. Are you happy with how he handled the situation?

SelkieFly · 08/05/2021 16:13

I think a more alpha man can say to a woman ''look, I'm married, I'm going to stay married, I"m happy to be married so can you give me the space I already hinted I would like''.

But a man who is a bit of a player who is coming at ''women'' from a scarcity mindset is going to juggle options, he may rationally know his marriage is in danger but he still stops short of saying to the woman who's paying attention to him ''this has to stop''.

gannett · 08/05/2021 16:14

Thing is, I do trust him. I know absolutely that he loves his life with me. Things may or may not have happened in the past between them. That's in the past for me. I know categorically that he doesn't want a repeat of what happened between us when the issue came to light.
It's like she felt she managed to worm her way into our life together without me at first noticing, then when I did notice, she didn't like it that things changed.

That's good then. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship.

If you trust him then she's just an insignificant gnat buzzing around the relationship, right? Let her make her silly little power plays... he might not be as forthright as you but you trust him not to do anything. So she doesn't matter.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:15

@SelkieFly

I think a more alpha man can say to a woman ''look, I'm married, I'm going to stay married, I"m happy to be married so can you give me the space I already hinted I would like''.

But a man who is a bit of a player who is coming at ''women'' from a scarcity mindset is going to juggle options, he may rationally know his marriage is in danger but he still stops short of saying to the woman who's paying attention to him ''this has to stop''.

Do you mean like keeping people on the backburner? In case I go off with someone else, he's got her to fall back on?
OP posts: