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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect woman to not pop in to see DH at work

91 replies

Padmail · 08/05/2021 14:31

I thought a woman and my DH were getting a bit too close. DH and I had a major falling-out over it. In the end, DH agreed to cut ties with the woman. AIBU to expect the woman to not pop in to see DH when he's at work when there's some major local gossip she wants to talk to him about?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 16:16

This is entirely on him.

A married man who has made his wife unhappy because of how he has acted around another woman.

It is entirely on him. No one can control how others act.

But if had been genuinely clear that he wanted nothing to do with her under any circumstances, then she wouldn't pop in and see him.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 16:16

You've made up your mind that it's virtually all her fault and it seems you just wanted people to agree. You're also seemingly not going to elaborate on what this relationship was or this "event" you're alluding to. This is of course your right but it invites people to draw their own conclusions.

Dadmalenotawoman · 08/05/2021 16:17

What happened? Who did what? When? How was it a threat to your marriage? Everything is so vague here, I can't tell what's going on.

Original poster
Padmail · 08/05/2021 16:18

I was going to describe how I feel as her being a fly disrupting my harmony. Thought that might be rude though. Glad someone else described it like a gnat.
Trouble is, even gnats buzzing around can be annoying when you're trying to get on with other stuff. Take your point tho @gannett

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 08/05/2021 16:18

@Padmail

I disagree that it's a husband problem. I agree that he might be a spineless twat, or that he might just want not to seem ungentlemanly (I think it's a bit of both). I think the problem is predominantly her and her narcissistic nature continually needing attention.
Just seems to me that sometimes some of us have the misfortune to have to deal with potential threats to our marriages

She's not a threat to your marriage.

Your husband is the problem here, it tanked two to tango.

Treacletoots · 08/05/2021 16:19

Until you redirect your anger to the right person this isn't going to change.

You DO have a DH problem. If he had dealt with this properly then more than likely you'd no longer be having a 'another woman' problem. He clearly either still wants the contact or he's not been honest with you or her. Take your pick.

It's not looking good either way.

greenlynx · 08/05/2021 16:19

I agree with TakeYourFinalPosition but it’s also true that some people struggle to be blunt more than others. And some people just don’t get hints, you need to say them basically f* off to get rid of them. It’s on your DH now to explain her in plain English that actually HE doesn’t want to see her AT ALL.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2021 16:20

He's definitely not encouraging contact

I wouldn’t be too sure of that. You are falling in to the trap of blaming the “scheming bitch who wants to steal your man” but it is his boundaries that are the problem. Or rather, lack of them.

Devlesko · 08/05/2021 16:21

They're having an affair and he obviously wants it to continue.
She wouldn't go sniffing if there was nothing to sniff.

Diamondsforever · 08/05/2021 16:23

If you trust him then what is the problem?

Mellonsprite · 08/05/2021 16:23

@Padmail

I disagree that it's a husband problem. I agree that he might be a spineless twat, or that he might just want not to seem ungentlemanly (I think it's a bit of both). I think the problem is predominantly her and her narcissistic nature continually needing attention.
I do think it’s a DH problem, you’ve said he’s being spineless, do it’s upto him to be firmer about telling her he’s not seeing her anymore. You can’t control what she does it doesn’t do, but your DH can control if he talks to her anymore or not.
Inertia · 08/05/2021 16:25

Surely in current circumstances, nobody should just be popping in anywhere without legitimate reasons. If she had a business reason to be there, your husband should have asked someone else to deal with her.

Potteringshed · 08/05/2021 16:30

Your problem isn't her. Your problem is him.

No one can force another person to give them attention. She isn't pinning him down and sitting on him while she delivers gossip, or hypnotising him to flirt with her against his will. There is also no "unspoken woman code". She's a free agent who is entitled to gossip with anyone who seems happy to listen to her and is ok with her coming into his work.

He is the issue. If he says "sorry - don't have time for this" she would go away. He is choosing not to do this. He's the one at fault here.

Napssszzz · 08/05/2021 16:33

I bet he's secretly loving the fuss

HesSpartacus · 08/05/2021 16:41

"Then contact her yourself and tell her to back off. Mark her card OP shes taking the piss"

Do not do this - your DH created this problem by failing to put barriers in place and only he can end it. He needs to toughen up and be firm with her - after all, it's his marriage he is fighting for.

WhoWants2Know · 08/05/2021 17:01

Did you find out about all of this because your husband told you? And are you satisfied that he's told you everything?

Badgerlock42 · 08/05/2021 17:21

@Padmail

I disagree that it's a husband problem. I agree that he might be a spineless twat, or that he might just want not to seem ungentlemanly (I think it's a bit of both). I think the problem is predominantly her and her narcissistic nature continually needing attention.
Nope, you are still - (understandably) - looking to place the blame outside of your marriage by focusing on the woman.

If she's still seeing him, despite him saying he does not wish to, & he is unable to articulate his wishes, then the husband problem is down to spineless twattery.

Or, he has NOT told her that he doesn't wish to see her, in which case the husband problem is that he is fibbing to you to keep the peace, & has either avoided, or has no intention to, tell her where to get off.

If the situation were reversed, & DH was upset about an attention-seeking narcissistic man coming onto you, how would YOU deal with it? I imagine you'd make a clear declaration for the man to back off, & engage police if he refused to hear you.

If that IS what you would do in DH's position - why hasn't he?
See?
It's not an Other Person problem. It's a spouse problem.

AlmostSummer21 · 08/05/2021 17:23

Thing is, I do trust him. I know absolutely that he loves his life with me

🙄. Not enough to have not created 'the big secret event

Do you mean like keeping people on the backburner? In case I go off with someone else, he's got her to fall back on?

Or HE gets fed up & feels the grass is greener.

Stop blaming her, deal with the issues in your marriage & with your DH.

Things may or may not have happened in the past between them. That's in the past for me. I know categorically that he doesn't want a repeat of what happened between us when the issue came to light.
It's like she felt she managed to worm her way into our life together without me at first noticing, then when I did notice, she didn't like it that things changed*

BigFatLiar · 08/05/2021 17:27

But if had been genuinely clear that he wanted nothing to do with her under any circumstances, then she wouldn't pop in and see him.

I think this is a bit simplistic. How many times do we read on MN of men refusing to take no for an answer. Does that mean the women getting the attention are loving it?

CheshireCats · 08/05/2021 17:34

She is not the threat to your marriage. Your husband is.
Whatever she is or isn't doing, the only way your marriage is under threat is determined by your husband's behaviour.
If he had told her to never contact him again and that it was over, she wouldn't be coming in to gossip with him. And if (on the off chance she was dense and did still come in) he then again said "Why are you here? I've told you not to contact me, please go away." then she would soon get the message.
You are laying the blame with the wrong person- your husband is the problem.

Onairjunkie · 08/05/2021 17:46

I think it’s quite clear he’s either spinelessly said nothing to her, or hardly said anything to her, and was only uncomfortable because you found out.

She loves the attention, he fancies her, and they were quite happy getting on with it until you, the wife, stuck your oar in.

Either way, your issue is with him, not her.

Onairjunkie · 08/05/2021 17:51

Thing is, I do trust him. I know absolutely that he loves his life with me. Things may or may not have happened in the past between them. That's in the past for me

You trust him even though he may or may not have cheated on you with this woman?

Eh?

And he may still be seeing the woman he may or may not have cheated on you with and you think the problem is......her?

Devlesko · 08/05/2021 17:55

Dear lord, some people have such a low bar.
Why are you blaming her when it's your dh who is and has been unfaithful. Sounds like he enjoys winding you up, telling you he's seen her at work.
Wake up, smell the bacon, have some dignity and dump his sorry arse.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2021 17:57

We haven't actually been told he's been unfaithful.

GoodbyeToCare · 08/05/2021 18:01

Did you post about about this at the time OP? Your DH is a mechanic and she has a shop very close to the garage? She would constantly be in the garage openly flirting with your DH even if you were there too? I think your DH might have agreed to do her favours despite you voicing your concerns.

Apologies if I have got you mixed up with someone else.