Why are posters on MN obsessed with others becoming carers as life goes on

[CateTown]

Any thread which mentions a significant ge gap relationship is met with cries of "you'll end up his carer" "you'll be wiping his bum when you're 45"

I don't know where I read it but apparently most people don't need that level of care until the last months of their lives (if at all).
I know loads of elderly people who live independently and manage (I assume) to wipe their own backsides.

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

Do people really base their life choices on whether they might end up as a carer?

*ge gap = age gap

When are we going to get an edit button goddammit

It's because ageism is alive and well on MN

I think- and I may be wrong- that proportionally Mumsnet has a lot of women (like me) in their 40s and 50s who have ended up being that sandwich stress generation who have ended up being carers for their elderly Mum and / or Dad and still trying to juggle being Mum to their own family as well. It’s exhausting and stressful. Therefore when they see someone in their 20s and 30s post about starting a relationship with someone much older that’s the experience they think of.

As much as many older people don’t require lots of care, many do and there isn’t the social and healthcare support people think there is. At all.

I’m an only child and my DM died young, so they are wrong on that one.
But there’s 10 years between me and my DH and that gap, to me, currently looks bigger than 10 years.
I can see his mental decline since he took early retirement, and his love of wine (that’s been a factor for many years) and his new lack of exercise is turning him into an old man.
The current thread where there’s 25 years difference is worrying but people don’t listen.

Are posters on mn obsessed with saying that? I've never read that here except for on this thread.

I don't think people usually mean it in the literal sense. It is not binary - today they are active and energetic, and tomorrow bam! disabled and fragile. Needs grow slowly, and the mental load starts probably much earlier than the physical. And it will be the partner who will bear it.
I had an opportunity to start a relationship, with an otherwise great guy in his mid 50s a couple of years ago (that would be around 20 years age gap between us). What stopped me is that I spent some time at that time with my own dad, who was late 50s, and I was shocked how much he had changed just in a year or two. Obviously, he wasn't at the bum-wiping stage, but there was much more mental acrobatics required in dealing with his new attitudes and needs.

We ended up being just good friends with this guy, and despite I had some pangs of regret sometimes, I do indeed see him now following the same roadmap as my dad. As a friend, I can limit my involvement - as a partner, I wouldn't be able.

Because a lot of women on MN are carers.

@shouldistop

Are posters on mn obsessed with saying that? I've never read that here except for on this thread.

It's not just obsessed, it's MN obsessed.

Younit does come up. It's not an 'obsession' unless you're making a point with hyperbole. But yes it does come up.

Perhaps ageism is more noticeable to some than others?

You never know what life is going to throw at you. I wouldn't let the possibility of becoming a carer somewhere down the line that put me off an age gap relationship. They could end up caring for you.

I became my DH's carer in my early 40's and he is slightly younger than me.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think- and I may be wrong- that proportionally Mumsnet has a lot of women (like me) in their 40s and 50s who have ended up being that sandwich stress generation who have ended up being carers for their elderly Mum and / or Dad and still trying to juggle being Mum to their own family as well. It’s exhausting and stressful. Therefore when they see someone in their 20s and 30s post about starting a relationship with someone much older that’s the experience they think of.

As much as many older people don’t require lots of care, many do and there isn’t the social and healthcare support people think there is. At all.

This. People with experience of how draining it is, physically and emotionally, and how much it curtails your life, are bothering to tell people what this is like. It is a relatively new phenomenon because people didn't used to be kept alive to the point of dementia - heart disease or cancer took them first. But now these are cured if people get them in their sixties or seventies. So our generation is the first where it is very common to be bled dry by teens, work and caring for elderly relatives who behave like toddlers. There is almost no state provision. the work lands on the relatives. And yes, bum wiping and showering poo streaked adults who can't stand up is involved.

Threads tend to attract people with similar experiences, so posters who have experience of ending up caring for an older partner are likely to post more. Also, when you're part of an impacted group (whether as a carer, parent to SEN child, struggling with infertility etc) you frequently seek out people in the same situation as you and consequently overestimate how many people are impacted.

And yes, I have made life choices around the risk of becoming a carer due to my experiences.

@msbevvy

You never know what life is going to throw at you. I wouldn't let the possibility of becoming a carer somewhere down the line that put me off an age gap relationship. They could end up caring for you.

I became my DH's carer in my early 40's and he is slightly younger than me.

This is true, that the caring situation could be reversed. But this makes it even more precarious - would you be able to be your 40s DH's carer with the same ease had you been in your 60s or 70s?

It’s true that it’s statistically and factually more likely that instead of ageing at a similar rate to a peer, someone a whole generation older or even only 10 years older is likely to need care and assistance. How many people have to help care for elderly parents? I’m only in my 30s and already having to do this for my parents. If you marry someone closer to your parents’ age then of course it’s more likely they are going to struggle with medical problems earlier and you are going to be widowed earlier than if you’d married someone closer to your own age. And your kids are more likely to be orphaned younger.

Not always definite but statistically more likely. There’s always going to be someone pipe up on here who was in that state with a 30 year old partner who was tragically injured/became ill/died and someone with a partner who was still working/saving lives/running marathons at 90. It doesn’t mean either are the norm.

A friend married a man 33 years older. He died after only 7 years of marriage, in his 70s. It was very sad but very difficult to understand why everyone was so surprised that she’d be a young widow. She kept saying “I thought he’d live to at least 95”. It’s not the way things work unfortunately.

@DinosaurDiana

I’m an only child and my DM died young, so they are wrong on that one. But there’s 10 years between me and my DH and that gap, to me, currently looks bigger than 10 years. I can see his mental decline since he took early retirement, and his love of wine (that’s been a factor for many years) and his new lack of exercise is turning him into an old man. The current thread where there’s 25 years difference is worrying but people don’t listen.

But that has nothing to do with age and everything to do with attitude. DH is 75 and can still walk 20+ miles at a stretch - and at a pace that I, at 60, couldn't possibly keep up with. My late Dad was still riding a horse cross country in his late 60s.

It’s not to do with attitude if there’s an illness or physical problem adding to the decline.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think- and I may be wrong- that proportionally Mumsnet has a lot of women (like me) in their 40s and 50s who have ended up being that sandwich stress generation who have ended up being carers for their elderly Mum and / or Dad and still trying to juggle being Mum to their own family as well. It’s exhausting and stressful. Therefore when they see someone in their 20s and 30s post about starting a relationship with someone much older that’s the experience they think of.

As much as many older people don’t require lots of care, many do and there isn’t the social and healthcare support people think there is. At all.

Yes, I think that’s probably correct.

I don't know anyone who has to care for elderly parents. My grandfather is almost 80 and needs no help at all. I'm an only child and caring for parents isn't something I ever think about, my mum is in her early 50s and works full time for the NHS.

Of course you never know what will happen but I genuinely don't know anyone that has to provide such a high level of care to their parents or partner. My work colleague does shopping for her parents but that's it.

My mum was young when she had me anyway and I was young when I had DS, so on the chance that she does need care when she is elderly DS will be grown up so I won't have to juggle it all.

A friend married a man 33 years older. He died after only 7 years of marriage, in his 70s.
I have a friend in mid-30s who is married to a man in mid-70s, and she's very matter-of-fact about the fact he's approaching the end of his life - has a care facility lined up, will done and audited etc. I don't think anyone could realistically be oblivious to mortality with that difference in age. In all fairness, my friends marriage is based on utility also, not only love, so she might be less sensitive to the idea.

@shouldistop

Are posters on mn obsessed with saying that? I've never read that here except for on this thread.

Nope, as usual denying the OP's experience doesn't make their experience invalid.

I've read it loads on here.

My mum is 70, 25 years older than me, lives completely independently and AFAIK can wipe her own bum.

However, the last 10 years have been HARD. She's had many health problems (cardiac surgery, cancer and currently going through a second cancer investigation), is struggling financially since retiring but won't reconsider her options (big family house, high running/maintenance costs) and she's mentally 'getting old' - no dementia but her world has shrunk and she's become increasingly judgy and critical. I'm expected to juggle my work/social/family commitments around her hospital visits, blood tests, shopping needs, domestic crises and doing her gardening/DIY. I have teenagers and do feel 'sandwiched' between them all. it's actually crippling me emotionally if I was completely honest

So yeah, I'm not saying that there's a problem with age gap relationships, but there is every possibility that aging will bring increased ill-health, reduced mobility and increased mental load for the younger partner who could be still living life to the full - I was quite looking forward to an empty nest but know that my freedom is likely to be curtailed by looking out gor/supporting my mum (whilst she is still aple to wipe her own arse)

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

In fact, statistically, if you are already in your late 60s, your life expectancy IS higher than your 70s. It's about early 80s.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2017to2019

And, again statistically, most people over 65 don't need care even if, for those who do and dont have it, it's hard.
www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpub/article/PIIS2468-2667(18)30118-X/fulltext

If you are going to claim statistical support for an argument, it helps to get it right.

I don't know where I read it but apparently most people don't need that level of care until the last months of their lives (if at all). I know loads of elderly people who live independently and manage (I assume) to wipe their own backsides

Maybe not toileting, but I'd say that a sizeable majority of women in my family and parents of good friends have some caring responsibility from their 50s, if not before (generally once a parent/partner hits 70+, but can be much earlier especially in the case of poor underlying physical or mental health or poverty) . It's not just about bum wiping, it's about them not being able to interact with necessary technology, or worrying about them being scammed by dodgy roofers or scam 'HMRC' texts , or becoming nervous about motorway driving, or needing more and more specialist trips with someone to.accompany them or drive them home afterwards, or not being able to look after the house maintenance or cleaning, or making financial arrangements as time goes on... It's a long list that gets longer, and generally falls on women.

My family is relatively financially comfortable and some live in a country where extended family living is the norm and paid help is easier, but it's still really hard.

@DinosaurDiana

It’s not to do with attitude if there’s an illness or physical problem adding to the decline.

OK, fair enough. I should have said "circumstances"

Because Mumsnet is ridiculously ageist and most people have no idea what they are talking about.

My dm was 15 years younger than df. She cooked food to take to him in hospital for about his last month but he didn't need help with personal care until his last two weeks, which the hospital provided.

DM didn't need personal care. She lived independently and determinedly on her own until her last 10 days.

My work colleague does shopping for her parents but that's it.

It's rarely JUST shopping though. It's more likely to be - collect shopping list, go to the supermarket, pay, load back into car, take to parents, unload car, stay for obligatory cuppa that will no doubt be eating into valuable family time. If they need help with shopping it's unlikely to be just that one thing they can't manage, and the mental load of being required to give that support can become overwhelming. The obligation. The guilt.