Why are posters on MN obsessed with others becoming carers as life goes on

[CateTown]

Any thread which mentions a significant ge gap relationship is met with cries of "you'll end up his carer" "you'll be wiping his bum when you're 45"

I don't know where I read it but apparently most people don't need that level of care until the last months of their lives (if at all).
I know loads of elderly people who live independently and manage (I assume) to wipe their own backsides.

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

Do people really base their life choices on whether they might end up as a carer?

@Waxonwaxoff0

I don't know anyone who has to care for elderly parents. My grandfather is almost 80 and needs no help at all. I'm an only child and caring for parents isn't something I ever think about, my mum is in her early 50s and works full time for the NHS.

Of course you never know what will happen but I genuinely don't know anyone that has to provide such a high level of care to their parents or partner. My work colleague does shopping for her parents but that's it.

My mum was young when she had me anyway and I was young when I had DS, so on the chance that she does need care when she is elderly DS will be grown up so I won't have to juggle it all.

Whereas almost all of my friends are caring for elderly parents on some level or other. We are all late 40s/early 50s and it wasn't like this even a couple of years ago. Their needs developed very rapidly indeed. My father has gone from fit, golf-playing 80 year old to someone who needs two nurses at his elbows when he walks across the room in an astonishingly short timescale.

One of my parents quickly became ill with a degenerative illness that would have required 'arse wiping' and such for many years. I was very very much expected to pick up the care, because I was the only one available (parents long divorced, other siblings took far, young or male). I said no. I had to be extremely firm.

You never know who in your life may suddenly need care, and quite honestly someone who is deteriorating but with no diagnosis can just be as mentally (and physically) draining. There's no help, I would suggest anyone, including those with perfectly healthy partners/parents/children etc, keep that in mind. Everything is a fight, and telling services 'I simply cannot do it' is rarely an option unless you are extremely clear from day one. Most people women do t realise they've fallen into the role of carer until its too late, hence why they try and prepare others.

I see people with age gaps that are fairly small, and because of a combination of that age gap and poor health choices that gap is so much bigger. Yes there are people running marathons at 80. There are also people in their 50s who are in very bad health and being cared for by their partners. Often those same partners have caring responsibilities with elderly relatives also, have older kids still living at home and not financially solvent yet, or are doing childcare for their grandkids. The squeezed sandwich generation. I can see why they would warn other women to avoid being stuck in a similar place in a few years time, especially women who want to add new babies into the mix

There is care and care. I dont know how many people need a long period of end of life care with lots of physical issues.

But like some other posters, a lot of my friendship group are spending more time assisting with medical appointments, staying overnight after minor ops, sorting prescriptions out, shopping, issues with the housing repair. And it isnt necessarily a slow decline. It can feel quite sudden.

You would be surprised at how much ‘power’ the elderly person has, despite their declining physical and mental situation.
Social Services are next to useless and the GP isn’t interested.
The situation my retired DH, who has now had to become a carer, is in would be laughable if we weren’t having to live it.

@Ffsffsffsffsffs

My work colleague does shopping for her parents but that's it.

It's rarely JUST shopping though. It's more likely to be - collect shopping list, go to the supermarket, pay, load back into car, take to parents, unload car, stay for obligatory cuppa that will no doubt be eating into valuable family time. If they need help with shopping it's unlikely to be just that one thing they can't manage, and the mental load of being required to give that support can become overwhelming. The obligation. The guilt.

Yep exactly this.

I don't think people are obsessed with saying people will become carers in age gap relationships but just offering their experiences. Unfortunately men do tend to age more quickly than woman and if he is already 20 years older then it stands to reason that people offer that as a consideration in an age gap discussion. I know people can become incapacitated at any age via an illness, but it's more likely to be age related.

I would think that you can arrange external help more easily when it’s your parents rather than your partner. So if a parent needs care you may not live near them and it may also be easier (morally, financially, more comfortable for them) to arrange for paid carers to help with them, but that isn’t the case so much if it’s your own partner.

I have three family instances of a 12+ years age difference between the man (older) and wife.

In 2 out the 3, this has come true despite the strongest bond and deep love between them. In both cases,it happened when the woman was 50ish and the man late 60/early 70. When the women who were young minded physically and mentally still wanted to be active, go out, travel,have fun and the men had health issues and weren't interested any longer. Both said that they wished they'd fallen in love with someone closer to their age.

The 3rd one is ok because despite a 12 years gap, the older man is actually healthier than his wife and it's him who wishes they were more active.

All my friends have cared for dps at some stage. Some have far more to do than others but it was stressful but necessary. My dm needed care for the final 6 years of her life, bought care and family care. It took up a lot of my time and energy although l was happy to do it as shared with siblings.
My dh is 7 years older than me. When l met him he was a footballer who enjoyed long distance running and sailing. I never imagined him old. But now l would say the gap is much wider than 7 years as l have kept active and pretty fit while he has got more set in his ways and sedentary.
I have to say when l see here a 30 year old planning to stay with a 55 year old l scream NO!!
We need to be realistic about these things like advising people not to marry a guy with no job or to live with their mil. Its life experience and they can listen or not.

Anyone can require care at any age, life throws many curve balls.

I agree with you though OP, some posters do rush into print whenever an age difference is mentioned.

By the way, I'm an only child and haven't had to care for my parents. My DM died last year in a rest home, and my DF (87) is quite able to care for himself, and even if he wasn't he lives in a apartment which is part of a rest home.

Posters also seem to have some strange idea that caring is needed from the age of 70! I have several friends who are approaching that age and they are fit and healthy with very active social lives, in fact some are still working part-time!!

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

I wouldn't under-estimate the magnitude of a planned to be only child decision. Parent-care is a theme I've heard a lot from adult only children. Young or Middle aged men fretting about their widowed mothers, and wishing they could share the burden of making their future care decisions. My mother (youngest of 5) ended up organising & directing almost all the care for her senile parents for 7 years, but A) she liked being in control and B) she could at least ring her siblings or ask them for financial help; the siblings would pop in to check on the oldies. Me & my brothers quickly worked out which of us would take care of my mom when she got old (eldest brother volunteered).

re older partners: In marriages with one person much older, the older one typically slows down when younger one still has lots of vibrant health; need to be ready for that disparity in ability & how limited life can become when one person just can't do much activity any more.

Not sure about obsessed, I've only seen a couple of threads on this. But it's not hard to understand if you marry/live with someone 20-30 years older than you, there's a high probability that they will need some care while you are still relatively young. That's a partner of a lot of parents' age and many of us know what it's like to care for elderly parents.

Don’t be so naive OP, my dear friend ended up doing this for her husband when she was in her 50’s as he developed dementia, he was in his 70’s.

Lolz yeah all my grandparents lived alone til their 90s - only one needed up in a care home for a year or so

Also you don’t have to take on the role of caring for anyone I’d you don’t want to 😂

People are individuals. My mother and uncle are both what would be classed as elderly (70/80s) however you wouldn't believe it to see them. Definitely both more than capable of wiping their own arses. Definitely more than capable of dealing with technology and woe betide anyone who tried to scam either of them. Some people age a lot earlier than others, I know people my age who are complaining they feel old and declining health. I'm not suggesting it's down to attitude just the natural variations in different people.

Posters also seem to have some strange idea that caring is needed from the age of 70! I have several friends who are approaching that age and they are fit and healthy with very active social lives, in fact some are still working part-time!!
Here's the thing, you are imagining them as the older partner in an age-gap relationship.
Now imagine that they have a 85-90 years old partner at home to take care of. Would they still be able to lead active lives?

@4PawsGood

I would think that you can arrange external help more easily when it’s your parents rather than your partner. So if a parent needs care you may not live near them and it may also be easier (morally, financially, more comfortable for them) to arrange for paid carers to help with them, but that isn’t the case so much if it’s your own partner.

The problem is when the parent refuses carers and demands that the child/children do all the care.

Because if you do have a significant age gap in your relationship the younger party is statistically more likely to end up being a carer to the older. It's not personal, it just increases the odds. Doesnt mean the relationship shouldn't go ahead but it is often true that an age gap becomes more noticable as you age.

That's only a problem emotionally @DinosaurDiana. The truth is they cant insist.

I cared for both my mother and my father over a period of about 15 years and actually anticipated having to care for my mother for much longer. As pp have said, it’s far more time consuming than one might think, though I was happy to do it for them.
However, I’m determined my children won’t have to care for me, and though my relationships have been with younger men, I wouldn’t consider making them permanent for the same reason. I’m in very good general health for my late 60s but well aware of ongoing slow decline in my strength and mobility, and the difference between the effects of a fall or an illness could make at this time of life compared to when in youth or middle age.

@Heyahun

Lolz yeah all my grandparents lived alone til their 90s - only one needed up in a care home for a year or so

Also you don’t have to take on the role of caring for anyone I’d you don’t want to 😂

I’m going to disagree with you on your last sentence. Try having an elderly parent that refuses carers. Then you’ve got to try and prevent that parent getting scammed. Get the shopping in and put the bins in/out. Pay the paper bill and milk man. Be at the house for any health visits if they're housebound, or take them to the multiple medical appointments. Be at the house for the nail cutter and hairdresser, or take them there. Be at the house for any work men that are needed. Answer any mail that needs answering. Then, when they complain that you only come round to do jobs, you then have to go and ‘visit’ as well.

Also you don’t have to take on the role of caring for anyone I’d you don’t want to 😂

If you're married to someone with care needs then social services expects you to do it and will refuse to fund it if you don't. Fine if you're flush enough with cash to pay for it yourself, not so much otherwise.

Ageism is the worst 'ism' on MN.

My mum is in her 70's, didn't vote for brexit, can wipe her own arse, is a globetrotter (when allowed, Thailand, America, etc), with her husband whom she married at the ripe old age of 68.

She was born in the 1940's and manages not to be racist

Basically she is the complete opposite of everything people on MN, accuse 'old' people of being. And its not just her. She has a husband and tonnes of like minded friends around the same age.

It’s the same with any mention of an inheritance: it will never happen because it will be spent on care.