Why are posters on MN obsessed with others becoming carers as life goes on

[CateTown]

Any thread which mentions a significant ge gap relationship is met with cries of "you'll end up his carer" "you'll be wiping his bum when you're 45"

I don't know where I read it but apparently most people don't need that level of care until the last months of their lives (if at all).
I know loads of elderly people who live independently and manage (I assume) to wipe their own backsides.

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

Do people really base their life choices on whether they might end up as a carer?

That’s got to be the most naive comment I’ve read on here in a very long time

One thing I'm not is naive.

One thing I'm not is naive

You absolutely come across as naive on here speaking in a single voice about other people’s complex circumstances.

@CateTown

Thank you *@forinborin* for your thought provoking reply.

I wonder if we all need to (for want of a better word) audit our thoughts, behaviour, actions at various stages of our lives. We don't need to stop being vibrant, engaged, curious, reflective as we age. We can make decision not to.

I think there's an element of choice, yes. But it is not the full picture - knowing my dad since he was quite young (obviously), I would not have guessed that he would "choose" to become an old grumpy man. It's not like him at all. There has been no changes to his personality from late 20s (when I had my first memories of him) to mid-50s, but there were changes after. And this is in the context that his health is perfect for his age, no complaints at all - he could probably train for a marathon if he wanted to. But he doesn't. Again, everyone is different, and I know people his age who seem to still haven't lost their mojo. But then I see only their public face, not sure how they are behind the closed doors.

That was a great thing you did and you should be very proud of yourself but can you seriously not recognise that might not be something that everybody should or can do in their circumstances.

I’m 59, DH is 70. He needs no personal care whatsoever at the moment. We had a long period of caring for/supporting elderly parents living in different parts of the country. My mum developed dementia and my ILs became increasingly frail and finding it hard to manage at home. After FIL died MIL had a couple of serious falls and broke her hip and almost died but would not consider any other accommodation arrangement including living with us. DH is an only child and my only sibling lived too far away to be any help with my mum on a daily basis, though they did eventually relocate. Was an exhausting 10 years or so.

I think it's definitely one of those things you don't realise till it happens to you.

Until last year I had 3 GPs, my grandad is 93 and is perfectly healthy. His wife was fine until 82/3 when she started getting arthritic pains in her legs and deteriorated from active cook to positively sedentary in 2 years, she died last year after 6 months of being looked after by her kids.

Grandma 2 is 87 and now suffers from mild dementia, on the surface she's generally independent, but behind that is an immense coordinated effort from her kids to make sure that she has a helper on hand 24/7 as well as doing the cooking, paying bills etc It works because her kids have older children themselves (youngest is graduating uni this year) and have the time and money to dedicate to her.

To anyone looking in, it's easy peasy with minimal effort, but to people in the know it's exhausting & time consuming and so so sudden.

Cate I am totally confused by what you are trying to say now. You have experienced caring for an elderly relative in what sounds like horrendous circumstances and you are wondering why others are trying to warn people of what that that is really like.

I’ll give you my examples my FIL is a proper abusive fucker- physically emotionally controlling etc, we will not be caring for him EVER but MIL needs almost full time care. It is almost impossible to navigate with controlling FIL on the scene but nonetheless people are trying to do their best is less than ideal circumstances. Elder care is extremely challenging and people’s circumstances are complex.

There's nothing wrong with age gap relationships, but anyone choosing one has to be mindful that whilst their friends are perhaps taking early retirement in their 50s to enjoy post children life, or going travelling in their 60s, they could find themselves spending years being at home with an 80+ year old, and life at 80 for many is not the same as 50/60 year old.

My DH is 70 and I am 59. I took early retirement two years ago, DH is an almost retired academic but he still does a bit of teaching and writing, We went to South America just before Covid and had plans to visit NZ and Australia this year which we’ve obviously had to defer. But we hope to go next year. An age gap needn’t mean you can’t travel or enjoy retirement together.

You have experienced caring for an elderly relative in what sounds like horrendous circumstances...

I said quite clearly "not elderly. She was 44"

I said quite clearly "not elderly. She was 44"

You did say that. Apologies. It must have been awful for teenage you to have gone through that. I can’t even begin to imagine.

My DH is 70 and I am 59. I took early retirement two years ago, DH is an almost retired academic but he still does a bit of teaching and writing, We went to South America just before Covid and had plans to visit NZ and Australia this year which we’ve obviously had to defer. But we hope to go next year. An age gap needn’t mean you can’t travel or enjoy retirement together
Of course it doesn't mean you can't travel or enjoy retirement.

But like countless people have acknowledged, ageing happens to us all and the likelihood of developing conditions requiring care increases with age, as does the likelihood of things such as dementia.

It would be really foolish for anyone to pretend otherwise and say things like "well my relative is 80 and travelling lots, my 75 year old mum plays badminton and is fully independent" because as lots of people have pointed out, there's countless others who are all too aware of what goes into caring for, and facilitating the independent lives of, their parents as they age. It's not like being someone's romantic partner vs their parent means they're less likely to have issues linked to ageing.

5 years ago my mum was 66, a bit overweight but walked a lot and loved travelling. She took off to India for a month on her own and had a fantastic time.

In November 2019, she slipped on the stairs at home and tore ligaments in her ankle. She was still recovering when Covid hit. Due to her weight and limited mobility she decided not to leave her house at all for the first lockdown so my sibling and I were shopping and cooking for her and dropping off food. She still managed her own personal care, but her house was too much for her.

We persuaded her to move in with us, which generally works well, but she is scared of going out, is limited to walking about 10 metres, is going blind and has stopped driving. She's aged hugely in the last year. I'm still not doing any personal care, but either DH or I have to set up her zoom physio, collect prescriptions and take her to her appointments (thankfully most are zoom). She can't cook or clean up for herself.

5 years I'd have thought we'd have years before we'd be at this point, but it is now clear that she's never going to be able to live on her own again.

@Notoriouslynotnotious

I said quite clearly "not elderly. She was 44"

You did say that. Apologies. It must have been awful for teenage you to have gone through that. I can’t even begin to imagine.

Thank you, that's very kind. I've withdrawn a couple of posts as they were too personal and we never know when those fuckers at the Daily Mail are lurking.

My husband is only 4 years older than me and in his 50s. I will be wiping his bum nd doing everything else for him until he dies, which could be several years and the care social services deem he requires is paid for from our savings. Definitely something to plan for and not necessarily in old age or to do with an age gap. It is a very real fear of mine that there will be no one to do it for me, should it be required.

@CateTown

Any thread which mentions a significant ge gap relationship is met with cries of "you'll end up his carer" "you'll be wiping his bum when you're 45"

I don't know where I read it but apparently most people don't need that level of care until the last months of their lives (if at all).
I know loads of elderly people who live independently and manage (I assume) to wipe their own backsides.

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

Do people really base their life choices on whether they might end up as a carer?

It's the same when only children are mentioned "oh no - they'll end up caring for you on their own when you're old"

I'm not an only child and I STILL have been left to look after family. Been a carer since being 8 years old and no break for at least the next 20plus years (current care-ee mid 60's) which will then make me late 50's without having had any life of my own.

I don't recommend being a carer to ANYONE. Don't do it. Get professional help and rope family in from the start!

Is it ageism for people to point out that the chances of someone needing more care is higher at 75 than 45?

Apparently so, according to some on here. It's bonkers.

Yes, anyone can become ill/disabled/infirm at any age but the likelihood of it happening is directly correlated with age. It shouldn't be controversial to point out the the older someone is, the higher the likelihood that they will be in poor health, or require some form of care.

It shouldn't be controversial to point out the the older someone is, the higher the likelihood that they will be in poor health, or require some form of care
I agree with you. I also think it's probably a good indicator of someone's wealth and/or background whether they consider it the norm to be hiking in Nepal aged 80 and never need a helping hand at home.
Most people I know have experience for caring for parents or grandparents, from background support to help maintain independent living through to plugging the gaps before their loved one becomes eligible for proper social care or medical support. On here there seems to be a not insignificant number of posters who seem to think that most people are frolicking around through their retirement by having a positive mental attitude and being young at heart.

They don't, CateTown. You are also right that a lot of people do not need personal care when they are old or, if they do, only towards the end. Many make sure there is enough money in the pot to pay for professional care too, if not used it goes to beneficiaries.

I found that simple things - eg the window cleaner was due, caused great worry in my elderly mother. I see people getting annoyed with fussing older parents but i'm sure it is part of the ageing process. I don't know why but suddenly having change for the window cleaner, or makeing sure she hears the door bell when they come becomes very stressful.
I'm sure i'll be the same when I'm older, in fact I see it a bit now. I'm late 60s, DH older, he's worse than me for fussing eg we plan a trip somewhere - starts 'sorting things' weeks in advance.
What needs to change is that we admit that we will be frail and confused when old and make plans for it, not leave it to others to pick up the pieces.

I also think it's probably a good indicator of someone's wealth and/or background whether they consider it the norm to be hiking in Nepal aged 80 and never need a helping hand at home.

Also - even if the people you know are regularly hiking in Nepal in their 80s, there will still come a time (90s, 100s?) when they lose mobility and their health declines. It's an inevitable part of life.

Whether you're a healthy 50+ caring for someone 70+, or a healthy 70+ caring for someone 90+, a big age gap means that when the decline inevitably comes, you are likely to be experience it at a different time to your partner.

If your partner is the same age, there's no guarantee you will be similarly healthy in old age, but you are maximising your odds. When I'm in my 50s and 60s, my DH will be the same age, and I think there is a good chance we will both be active and healthy enough to lead full lives together. If he was 10-20 years my senior, the odds of this would be much lower.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand perfectly put.
People ask questions about large age gaps on MN seeking validation and that is completely understandable - but don't want to hear the potential downsides.

FWIW I don't think you can help who you fall in love with and it's better to be happy with the right person for a shorter amount of time. But the risks of having caring responsibilities are higher, regardless how many 80 year olds you know who still can climb Everest etc.

@EnoughnowIthink

This is so true. Working in the community, nearly everyone I see has conditions which render them housebound. The standard questions relating to nutrition, security etc are all based around which family member or friend lives close enough to carry out those tasks for the paperwork to be satisfied they’re not being neglected basically. Oh your nephew collects your laundry? Tick. Your sister does your shopping? Tick. Your neighbour knows the landlord? Tick tick tick. When this level of support isn’t there, it’s a massive headache to then coordinate adult social services to ensure the continued support of that person, especially if there is a financial issue.

When I'm in my 50s and 60s, my DH will be the same age, and I think there is a good chance we will both be active and healthy enough to lead full lives together. If he was 10-20 years my senior, the odds of this would be much lower.

Sadly, I am seeing this with just a 5 year age gap. I'm late fifties, DH early sixties and in the last year he's just less able to be active. We used to love hiking up mountains. Two years ago he really struggled to get up a mountain and it took us hours longer than the suggested time. Last year he turned back half way. This year he's decided not even to bother. It makes me sad. DC are just about adults and I'd look forward to a lot of trekking holidays. I'm so not ready to be shuffling around world heritage sites and then clambering back onto the tour bus.