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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm trapped... can anyone offer any advice?

103 replies

Multipotentialite · 06/03/2021 22:05

Potentially outting hence name change.

DH & I used to earn about the same pre-children. After we had children, he became the main earner because I was working part-time hours. We moved to a new area 2 years ago because of his new job. I did not love it but I thought I could get used to the area.

Truth is I cannot get used to living here. It's making me more and more miserable. Lockdown did not help. Now that the children are back are school and I'm starting to earn properly again, I will be earning more than DH.

I want to move to London. DH is worried he will not get a job earning as much. I want him to start looking.

How can I approach this? This will be the end of our relationship if it needs to. I feel sick living here.

OP posts:

MuddleMoo · 06/03/2021 22:08

Have you told him this could mean the end?

shivawn · 06/03/2021 22:10

He's your husband, maybe you need to communicate more, really consider his concerns and give him a chance to get used to the idea. Can you compromise on a different location?

I couldn't imagine deciding to leave my husband over something like this but we are madly in love so we would be happy anywhere that we're together. How is your relationship generally?

Skysblue · 06/03/2021 22:27

I don’t think we can say anything meaningful, because we have so few details of your situation. If for example you own a home and have five kids all well settled in local schools, then it would be kinda selfish to move everybody (presumably paying tens of thousands of pounds in stamp duty) because you don’t like it there. Or, if you have moved to a tiny rural hamlet where you’ll never be able to find a good job and you have one child who doesn’t mind moving school, then it’s easier to move. If you’re finding the area racist / unwelcoming in some way then perhaps a move is the only real option.

But you don’t have the right to tell your husband that he has to quit his job. You need to work out a new solution.

Moving back to London seems extreme. I grew up in London and would never ever bring up a child there if they had the choice to grow up somewhere less polluted and safer.

But obviously you are unhappy. Saying ‘we move where I want or this marriage is over’ is not the answer. Work out what it is about the area that you hate. Is it too rural? Too small minded? Too dirty? Too unsafe? Is there a nearby town/city within an hour’s drive that you could commute to for work, or that you could move to yet your husband still keep his job by commuting? Are there other, more your type, groups of people in the local area that you haven’t met yet?

Just make sure that you’re not trying to turn back the clock to pre-kids. Maybe consider talking things over with a counsellor online to really clarify your thinking and work out what is right for your family.

I hope you’re ok. It’s been a very weird twelve months and we all feel trapped. Moving might be the answer, but it might not be. Explore, talk to your husband and friends and possibly a counsellor, and don’t rush this, it’s a big decision. And definitely don’t start giving ultimatums.

Good luck.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 06/03/2021 22:33

Wow if only everyone on MN gave such wise, balanced responses as Skysblue. Very well said.

Xiaoxiong · 06/03/2021 22:34

I think everything I might have said has been said better by @Skysblue. Brilliant advice for you OP.

TokyoSushi · 06/03/2021 22:41

Yes also agree with @Skysblue I think that we all feel a bit weird at the moment, hope you're ok.

Milgram · 06/03/2021 22:41

Well, in my experience happiness isn’t to be found in a geographical location, it’s about what you do / the people you’re with. What is it about London that you think will be better / what do you hate about where you are?
Remember lockdown will have had a big impact on your current experience. Do you not want to stick it out through the summer to see if it improves?

Original poster

Multipotentialite · 06/03/2021 22:50

Thank you for your comments. Maybe I am trying to turn back the clock to my pre-children days.

I love my family but I am miserable living here. I think lockdown has had a big impact. It's not a very diverse place although DH seems to think different. It's very white middle class here.

I am not caucasian but DH is. My children are biologically mixed race but they look caucasian. I know it will sound petty but I've given up counting the number of times people have asked me if I were their mother. Who do they think I am? The nanny?

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 06/03/2021 22:55

The thing is most people are fairly unhappy at the moment living through lockdown.
I would advise not making any rash decisions yet.

Original poster

Multipotentialite · 06/03/2021 22:55

@Skysblue thank you for taking the time to write such a balanced reply.

I have experienced racism for the first time here. It's a small village and they have one coffee chain. I used to love to sit down and have a coffee while I work. The same woman was racist to me not once but twice!

And no one intervened... which made it even sadder. Yes, that was in 2020...

I dealt with it and complained to their head office who promised me they would take action based on what happened. But this place is tainted for me.

OP posts:

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 06/03/2021 22:56

I live in London and honestly wouldn’t consider living anywhere else in the UK. Maybe a bit bigoted, but when you’re used to the energy, opportunities and diversity of London (if you value those!) it’s hard to go somewhere else. If you’re not settling in there and feel othered, then I don’t think there is anything wrong in pushing for a move? It sounds like it’s feeling claustrophobic there.

However if you’ve only experienced the area during lockdown it may be worth giving it more of a chance?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 06/03/2021 22:58

Just seen your new post. Fuck that, you don’t need to be experiencing racism regularly. Life is too short for that shit.

TedMullins · 06/03/2021 22:58

@Milgram

Well, in my experience happiness isn’t to be found in a geographical location, it’s about what you do / the people you’re with. What is it about London that you think will be better / what do you hate about where you are? Remember lockdown will have had a big impact on your current experience. Do you not want to stick it out through the summer to see if it improves?

I disagree. I think happiness very much is about location. I lived in London until lockdown 3, I was buying a flat there but it fell through. As a result I had to move back in with my parents in the small white middle class town I grew up in. Even if I had my own place here I wouldn’t be happy - in face I viewed a beautiful house here but all I could think of was how lonely and unfulfilled I’d be. Literally all my friends are in London. All the things I like doing are in London (yes I know they exist in other cities but my social life doesn’t). It would be the same if all the things that made my life fulfilling and enjoyable were in Manchester, Plymouth or the outer Hebrides.

Perlea · 06/03/2021 23:05

That's awful about the racial abuse. Sickens me every time I hear about it even though it's so common in some places. Is DH open to the idea of London apart from the job worry? If you want it to work you will find a way.

Original poster

Multipotentialite · 06/03/2021 23:08

I genuinely think that DH doesn't understand the impact that racism has on me. To him, it's just someone who refused to serve me...

First time, I was stood on the dot that they make you stand on when queuing for social distancing. Everyone was doing the same. When it came my turn, said woman asked me to step further back. I told her I am stood on dot, everyone else before me had been stood at the same spot. She then said that she felt vulnerable with me there and her not having more protection. I simply walked away.

Second time, lady was just finishing cleaning a table. Just as she finished, my son and I sat down. There was no one else around. She asked me to leave as she had cleaned that table for someone else. I called her a racist, I left and called the head office.

I work hard and I cannot even have a cup of coffee at at the local cafe.

OP posts:

jgjgjgjgjg · 06/03/2021 23:39

TBH I'm not sure why you are assuming that either of those are racially motivated. It's entirely possible for people to just not like you for reasons entirely unrelated to not being Caucasian.

MrsClatterbuck · 07/03/2021 00:21

@jgjgjgjgjg

TBH I'm not sure why you are assuming that either of those are racially motivated. It's entirely possible for people to just not like you for reasons entirely unrelated to not being Caucasian.

So it's ok to refuse to serve someone just because you don't like them!! Not very professional. She was being racist and deserved to be reported.

for you op

Merryoldgoat · 07/03/2021 00:31

Neither of those incidents sound like they were racist but they were unpleasant and I’d have complained too.

Your DH sounds like my uncle. My aunt (we’re black) and uncle (who is white) always had disagreements about racist micro aggressions and he thought she was imagining it. Until they went on holiday somewhere rural and some people called him a traitor and his children mongrels.

You can’t live places like that as a person of colour - it’s just too tiring.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to leave OP. I also understand the thing with the children. Mine look white too and if I had to constantly explain I was their mother it would drive me insane.

RandomMess · 07/03/2021 00:33

Village life isn't for everyone and being the only non-white and experiencing racial bias and racism add a whole other level on top.

You are completely reasonable to NEED to live somewhere racially diverse. How can your DH not see that

Is there a proper town you could move to where he can keep his job or would it have to be relocation anyway?

Itistimeandiamscared · 07/03/2021 04:18

So sorry, OP. I totally understand how you feel.
I have been there... lived in a very white middle class area. So very white that until 2018 when I moved people still asked to touch my hair or my DC's hair. We were constantly stared at. We experienced a lot of racism (DC & I) but also a lot of friendliness. I did get to build a great social life and a fantastic support network but the racism....
When my XH walked out on us and I had to move to a new home and the only choice was to move away from there, I choose a more diverse place. Phew! the ease of living and just feeling like everyone else around you... It cannot be overrated. The absence of fear and worry of wondering what racial slur your DC have been called today or what new (& old) discrimination they have experienced today when you go to pick your DC from is just so golden. So even though I miss my friends, my social life and my support network, I will not go back there.
And for those saying, those incidents don't sound racist, I can only say when you experience racism, you know you are experiencing racism... not micro-aggressions... not someone having a bad day.. not any other fancy term used to play down what is really happening. No. You know racism when you experience it.
I understand how difficult it will be for your DH to understand it, my partner is the same. But for me, I would not be able to live there.
Try talking to your DH and see if there is a compromise to be reached on moving somewhere more live-able for you and good commuting links for him.
You are NOT unreasonable to want to move. And I think you should.

Manzanilla55 · 07/03/2021 05:32

I too think location is important. I left London 13 years ago and find everywhere else doesnt compare. I run my own business and plan to work more in London when ds is 18 in 2 years time. Ie slowly earn more but live up here which is considerably cheaper. Win win then. If I were an ethnic minority I would only live in London but luckily am white Btitish but can imagine your struggle op. I think it is best for you to move asap to be honest. I do miss equality though! Good luck to you.

Sahm101 · 07/03/2021 05:57

I would leave op. It's most definitely racism. And those posters says it's not , is exactly part of the problem. Calling her refusal to serve you 'unprofessional' and not racist is how people get away with it.

sonnysunshine · 07/03/2021 05:57

Just like to add that there are many parts of the UK other than London where being non-white isn't an issue (any more than London).

joystir59 · 07/03/2021 06:14

London and all.our other big cities but especially London are so diverse- at the last census only 48% of people identifed as white. London isn't typical! Outside of London in white dominated places racism.is rife, especially since Brexit empowered and validated racists. I don't think you and your children should have to put up with it if you have the choice to live in a city. I think you need to talk to your do about what you are experiencing, and if he doesn't get it, like some of the posters on this thread, he is part of the problem.

joystir59 · 07/03/2021 06:14

*DP not do

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