I'm trapped... can anyone offer any advice?

[Multipotentialite]

Potentially outting hence name change.

DH & I used to earn about the same pre-children. After we had children, he became the main earner because I was working part-time hours. We moved to a new area 2 years ago because of his new job. I did not love it but I thought I could get used to the area.

Truth is I cannot get used to living here. It's making me more and more miserable. Lockdown did not help. Now that the children are back are school and I'm starting to earn properly again, I will be earning more than DH.

I want to move to London. DH is worried he will not get a job earning as much. I want him to start looking.

How can I approach this? This will be the end of our relationship if it needs to. I feel sick living here.

I have a neighbor who seems mean to me but nice to my husband and son. I told my husband that I haven’t done anything to him. Always try to say hi to him and such. Why does he dislike me so much.

My husband told me it’s the same reason people who are black get treated this way- absolutely no logical explanation for it other than they exist.

So yes, if you can not explain why you deserve this treatment, it is definitely coming from prejudices and racism.

Thank you for everyone taking time to reply.

I will explain this even though I find it very painful to have to explain it. I am educated and I am a professional. I am also a clean person, this is relevant.

Last year when the shops opened again, I went to a small boutique type place that sells overpriced trinkets. People walking in, everyone should be using the gel at the door except that they do not. When it comes to me, I get told to use the gel. I didn’t make a fuss and i use it... but I have to deal with things like this constantly.

It seems fairly obvious to me that you might not feel comfortable somewhere that's so white, so I'm interested in why it doesn't seem obvious to your DH. Is there somewhere else you can move to that's not London but is more ethnically diverse if your DH is not keen on London?

Have you thought about some where like, for instance, Bristol? Very diverse and lively, cheaper and smaller than London, both London and countryside are easily accessible. Compromise possible.
But he does need to understand that you need to be somewhere that isn't constantly making you feel uncomfortable, unwanted and ill. That's not tenable.

That sounds truly horrible OP. Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Hopefully you can come up with a plan together that suits you both.

I'm so sorry you have been treated like this.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Just seen your new post. Fuck that, you don’t need to be experiencing racism regularly. Life is too short for that shit.

Agree. You need a proper chat with your husband.

I moved out to a new area, couldn't hack the attitudes, moved back. I think that's a good reason. I just couldn't stand the higher incidence of low level racism, homophobia etc, even though it wasn't directed at me.

Moved to a bubble. Bliss

Having seen your further explanations, YANBU. Have a serious discussion with your DH; if he can't understand that you can't live somewhere you are othered and discriminated against, you have big problems anyway.

Also to the "we're sooooo in love we would be happy anywhere" poster.

This is so much more than not liking a place, this is outright discrimination and racism and no way should you remain subjected to it.

You say your Dh is worried he wouldn't earn as much but the first thing is for him to actually look. Also would your higher earnings compensate for his potentially lower earnings?

I am a trailing spouse so have moved several times to new areas but you have given this place 2 years. Admittedly lockdown happened but if the place you are in only has 1 cafe then that alone is reason to move

It sounds like the current location isnt right for you.
But are you wanting to move to London, or back to London?
If DH told me it was London or separate, I'd tell him to pack his bags and go. It's not somwhere I want to live. Is there a compromise location where you can feel comfortable going about day to day life, but DH also gets elements of whatever drove the latest move?

YANBU and I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I genuinely cannot believe this still happens in this day and age. To the posters saying that the actions of the coffee staff are not racist, really?!

If you're being made to feel that uncomfortable and would feel comfortable in a more diverse area then you need to have a proper chat with your husband.

Do you children get many questions or comments by other children? I am white and was raised in an extremely white area and we had only two black children in a school of 1,300 children and they used to get a lot of hair touching, questions and racism in the form of 'jokes' - white children being brought up in white neighborhoods don't normally have much of an understanding of different cultures or races for the most part so I hope you're kids are treated well and not any differently by their peers.

We left London and moved rurally (very specific schools reason) and even though I was brought up in the countryside and we are in a beautiful place (not even very far from London), our children are outdoors etc. etc. I miss London. I miss the anonymity but also how easy it is to meet people. I miss my (very diverse) friends and I do notice the second looks etc. some of them experience when they visit here. If I wasn't white I don't think I would or could stay.

As it is my husband is happier here (but not hugely)... however, I plant to move back to London in 10 years (after schools) and expect he will come with me as he knows the sacrifices I have made for us to get here and we support each other.

Could you agree with him to a timescale to move? Are there any other good reasons you need to stay where you are? What are the implications financially and otherwise to moving back?

Perhaps if you knew you would only stay 6 months/1 year/2 years you would feel differently as you had an exit/you weren't trapped? This also gives you time to plan your next move.

Your situation sounds miserable frankly and doesn't sound like it will get much better. I hope your husband supports you.

Wow, first of all, if you feel unwelcome then you have the right (generally) and within your marriage to tell your husband ''i tried this place, I don't like it here, I want to move back to london''. maybe but a time frame on it.

I think some people are obsessed with following the rules (covid). I've been barked at so many times to readjust my mask, to step back, stand over there ! I'm thinking god the army rang, there's missing a sargeant major.

But yeh, if you can't walk in to the local cafe and have people be friendly and warm to you then what is the point living in a rural village.

@Skysblue

I don’t think we can say anything meaningful, because we have so few details of your situation. If for example you own a home and have five kids all well settled in local schools, then it would be kinda selfish to move everybody (presumably paying tens of thousands of pounds in stamp duty) because you don’t like it there. Or, if you have moved to a tiny rural hamlet where you’ll never be able to find a good job and you have one child who doesn’t mind moving school, then it’s easier to move. If you’re finding the area racist / unwelcoming in some way then perhaps a move is the only real option.

But you don’t have the right to tell your husband that he has to quit his job. You need to work out a new solution.

Moving back to London seems extreme. I grew up in London and would never ever bring up a child there if they had the choice to grow up somewhere less polluted and safer.

But obviously you are unhappy. Saying ‘we move where I want or this marriage is over’ is not the answer. Work out what it is about the area that you hate. Is it too rural? Too small minded? Too dirty? Too unsafe? Is there a nearby town/city within an hour’s drive that you could commute to for work, or that you could move to yet your husband still keep his job by commuting? Are there other, more your type, groups of people in the local area that you haven’t met yet?

Just make sure that you’re not trying to turn back the clock to pre-kids. Maybe consider talking things over with a counsellor online to really clarify your thinking and work out what is right for your family.

I hope you’re ok. It’s been a very weird twelve months and we all feel trapped. Moving might be the answer, but it might not be. Explore, talk to your husband and friends and possibly a counsellor, and don’t rush this, it’s a big decision. And definitely don’t start giving ultimatums.

Good luck.

Wow, what a great answer. Would you like to be my therapist/life coach please?!

Your h should have had his eyes wider open bringing you back to a 100% rural village. He should have said to you I like this place but this could work, this might not work, let's see. Now the failure of the move seems to sit all on your shoulders but really, he should have at least 50% foreseen that it might or might not have been ok for you.

I have moved out of London because of Lockdown and though how great it would be. I regret it every second and i am also not settling in the new place. I told my husband I am moving back, with or without him. I am that unhappy.
I see everything in negative light. To me, there is no other place I could live happily other than London.

Yeah, for what it's worth, I am not leaving this city, ever. I fucking love it. Nowhere else in the country remotely compares, I'm sure other cities are lovely to live in but they aren't London.

I hope you can find a path forward that works for both of you.

I’m not sure - based purely on what you’ve written- why you’d leap to assume the person serving you was racist and wasn’t just an arsehole? Maybe I’ve misread your examples and I’m sorry if I have but I’m wondering if because the area is less diverse maybe you’re feeling more vulnerable and seeing issues that aren’t there?

I spent 26 years living in South London and went to school in Brixton. Anyone who knows that area knows what it’s like - I was the only white girl in my whole school. I then moved to South Norfolk ten years ago due to increasing crime rates in the area I lived in and having a small child I wanted a different pace of life. I love where we live but yes it’s not got anywhere near the diversity or modern ways of life of London. But I don’t think it’s as racist as people say it is. Maybe I’ve just surrounded myself with anti racist people, I don’t know. I do think however that people in smaller towns etc don’t tend to like people who move there from larger towns / London - I’ve had a fair bit of that thrown my way!

If you’re not happy then do move, life is too short but I do wonder if the whole Covid situation has made everything feel much worse.

London has many advantages - it has some brilliant state schools and a host of cultural activities in normal times. It can be a great place to raise a child, particularly if you are fortunate enough to have a well paid job. I don’t think a rural or small town upbringing is necessarily better at all.

The key seems to be that your husband feels he won’t get such a good job in London as he has where you are now. Would he start searching? If he can find one, and you can move for work too, then why not? Surely he doesn’t want his wife subjected to micro-aggressions on a daily basis.

It’s so easy to say these things aren’t racist when we are white and not subjected to them but it negates how the OP has been made to feel. She knows what it felt like - we don’t.

@AtlasPine

It’s so easy to say these things aren’t racist when we are white and not subjected to them but it negates how the OP has been made to feel. She knows what it felt like - we don’t.

^this. This is really not the place for white people to be all "I wasn't there and I've never been Black/visibly minority ethnic but I don't think that was racism".

Would you be able to afford to live in London?

Well I'm white and I wasnt there but what the OP describes is clearly racism. I really wonder about the motives of posters that apparently cant see that.

OP what are the options? Clearly staying where you are isnt one but does it have to be London or nothing? Despite what some posters would have you believe, there are other towns and cities in the UK with a diverse ethnic mix. Is there no bigger town in your area where you might feel more welcome and find work, and your dh can keep his job?

Thank you for replying. It really helps more than you could imagine.

DH has a great job, and he really loves what he’s doing. The job is flexible and pays very well. He does not think that he can find another position paying as much. His industry has been impacted by covid and he thinks that now is not the time to start looking elsewhere.

We own a big 5 bedroom house with a garage, a driveway and a big garden. It’s also a very middle class area. DH is happy here. I am looking but realistically we could buy a 3 bedroom flat in London, maybe a garden flat. I don’t care for a big garden.

I know London and I have friends in London. I also love the culture.

The children do not experience racism because they look white. It bothers me a little that they are not experiencing a more diverse environment.

What cities are within an hour commute of your DHs work?

OP I'm sorry you are going through this. Just a couple of thoughts from me:

• I disagree completely with the poster up thread who said that it was awful bringing kids up in London. We live in London and it suits us down to the ground. So much to do, so much diversity.
• that said, London isn't the only place you find diversity. Some of the other major cities are just as good. Perhaps your husband would be more amenable to one of those? Your budget would certainly stretch further in terms of property.

Good luck whatever you decide.