I'm trapped... can anyone offer any advice?

[Multipotentialite]

Potentially outting hence name change.

DH & I used to earn about the same pre-children. After we had children, he became the main earner because I was working part-time hours. We moved to a new area 2 years ago because of his new job. I did not love it but I thought I could get used to the area.

Truth is I cannot get used to living here. It's making me more and more miserable. Lockdown did not help. Now that the children are back are school and I'm starting to earn properly again, I will be earning more than DH.

I want to move to London. DH is worried he will not get a job earning as much. I want him to start looking.

How can I approach this? This will be the end of our relationship if it needs to. I feel sick living here.

It is outrageous that you have experienced what you have. How the hell do people do this? I am Irish and have to say have had comments on my nationality more than once in our local supermarkets/shops. I couldn’t even imagine how hurt you must have been.
If I were you I would call out whoever made a comment on it every single time. Loud voice “are you usually racist?” I’ve worked with lots of nationalities (worked worldwide) and I’ve always called out people who do this. I do find there are areas of this country where if you are not from the locality for generations you are a blow in. I judge these kind idiots and just conclude they are ignorant and obviously haven’t travelled or interacted with a diverse range of people a lot. Their loss really as meeting and befriending other people from different racial backgrounds is a real education.
My children will be encouraged to travel/work abroad, diversity is a huge part of being successful in the global economy we live in. Not easy to do OP but try to see them for the idiots they are. 💐

Sorry should have said is there anywhere near London that might be a better option. Knuckle down and do some research, if you present him with facts and figures it might make him more accepting of a future move.

But if you move the racist/bully would have won then. If I were you I would go there as much as possible and directly look her in the eye and stand up for myself. Or even secretly film it and post on social media.

Can you go visit a larger town in commuting distance? Post lockdown. London isn’t the only diverse place. I’ve only lived in big English cities and they’ve all been very diverse, including schools.

We’re in London and considering moving for better schools and a bigger house. Despite being white I feel odd in places without diversity, especially if very middle class (which I’m not). And definitely couldn’t cope with a place with one coffee shop. But I do worry about air pollution with the kids. Asthma symptoms disappear when on holiday outside cities.

The proximity thing can definitely be unconscious racism. People will get closer to people more like themselves. I think age difference is similar, older people may get closer to other older people but be wary of younger people etc. So they are ruder/more cautious with a young person - I’ve had similar situations and wondered if being (considered) a “younger” mum is why, occasionally it’s been confirmed later. When there aren’t lots of different people in an area people are probably more likely to be wary. Whereas it’s total normal in London to interact with a huge variety of nationalities/ethnicities every day so we aren’t so suspicious of difference.

I'm sorry you've had this experience OP. And I'm glad you complained. I hope life may get easier after lockdown. If not Oxford and Bristol would be good compromises. Good luck!

The one piece of advice I have for you OP, as someone who is living in a different country from where I grew up and experiencing racism pretty often, is - have the conversation with your husband and get him on board to move somewhere more diverse. Do it as soon as you can. Don’t put it off. Before the kids get older and suddenly you’re the only one who wants to go. Don’t be me. And yes it is racism - you can feel it. You know that you’re being treated differently. I’m white but where I’m from is deeply disliked here but I’m stuck now.

I am white so cannot pretend to understand your experiences op, but racism sickens me, and racist people around my children sickens me, so I completely understand why you do not want your children raised in the area. I am so sorry people are so shit. Your husband should believe you. He's implicitly suggesting it's your issue. It's not for you to constantly have to give people the benefit of the doubt and overlook their rude nastiness..... we all know how subtly a person of colour can be made less welcome and it needs challenging.

Do what you have got to do and discuss your feelings with your DH. If my partner felt like this I would move for them.

I think it is too simplistic to say that if people don't see racism it is not happening. It does happen on a daily basis, there is a lot of unconscious bias, too. I also think people like to think they are not inherently racist and do not realise the nuances of their actions.

You need to be happy and you cannot change the small minds of others in a small village. Sending hugs as I bet your house is lovely and having to go to a smaller property says a lot about how badly you are feeling about your current situation.

I'd have a proper look at Bristol and Oxford rather than London.

Both being university cities are more diverse in terms of race, but the students might be a bit 'rah'

Bristol is a great city and I've loved visiting there. Some lovely places around that could suit you.

Bristol or Oxford would both be great places to live... but quite different. I think you really need to get the feel of them both and the different areas/communities. Great to have some options though.

[quote Multipotentialite]@NormanStangerson thank you for this.

To be honest, DH asked me the same question. How do you it was racism? It’s a strange one... and often racists make it out like it is a hygiene issue or they are afraid or need to be protected. It’s very difficult to explain. I’ll just say that I reported that person because I had 2 encounters with her. The chain took it seriously enough to take action.[/quote]
I'm white British. I see it as racism because the behaviour of every customer was exactly the same and only you, the non-white person, got asked to behave differently.

Oh yeh, and ask your DH if he thinks his earning potential is more important than your well-being.

To those people who are asking how she knew it was racist, if she feels she's being treated differently because of her colour/ethnicity then that points to it being racist. She is the one who experienced it, who has experienced it before. Why do people keep on with the "no, but maybe thy meant something else?" It feels racist to be denying that it is racist.

OP, I have friends who experienced similar treatment as soon as they left London. Even when people were not being overtly racist, my friend was "othered", as was her daughter.They were followed round shops, their food choices were commented on...after 6 months she couldn't take it any more and came back to London. Fortunately, her DH believed her and didn't suggest she was imagining it.
I'm not surprised you can't bear it any more, and in your shoes I would be expecting DH to be completely supportive.

I am generally of the belief that location doesn’t matter and happiness has to be found within. However, I can’t say that racism doesn’t override that view because it’s not something I personally have dealt with.

Moving forward, I do think you need to really consider all the ramifications of what saying this is bigger than your relationship really means. In a split, you aren’t necessarily going to be the primary residential parent. The kids might remain in the current location with your husband and visit you in London. Or if custody is split there might be an order that you can’t move the kids away from their school.

So basically you want to do to your husband what happened to you? Him move to a area he is not sure about and lump it?

Perhaps compromise?

Having read all your posts I have changed my vote, don't blame you for wanting to leave - am appalled by the coffee shop people. Unbelievable.

DH thinks it’s an isolated person and I need to give this place a proper chance. He is saying let lockdown end and spend a whole year before I reassess. I am willing to reassess.

I agree with your DH. There will be narrow minded people everywhere. It generally takes a couple of years to settle once moved

@Multipotentialite

Thank you for replying. It really helps more than you could imagine.

DH has a great job, and he really loves what he’s doing. The job is flexible and pays very well. He does not think that he can find another position paying as much. His industry has been impacted by covid and he thinks that now is not the time to start looking elsewhere.

We own a big 5 bedroom house with a garage, a driveway and a big garden. It’s also a very middle class area. DH is happy here. I am looking but realistically we could buy a 3 bedroom flat in London, maybe a garden flat. I don’t care for a big garden.

I know London and I have friends in London. I also love the culture.

The children do not experience racism because they look white. It bothers me a little that they are not experiencing a more diverse environment.

Do you think your DC would like to move from a huge 5 bed house with a nice garden to a tiny city flat without a garden? London is ridiculously expensive. City life would be different to how it was for you pre-DC.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced racism. I’m mixed race and I grew up in a white village. I experienced racism at school, but not in public. People didn’t believe my white dad is my dad I never met anyone of my race (other than family) until I started university. I still don’t see many people of my race.

YANBU, I live somewhere similar. It's a rural backwater TBH. I'm white so it doesn't impact me directly but I still find the low level racism/homophobia general xenophobia extremely tiring. I too have a husband who won't move. He's from here which makes it all the more tricky but I loathe the idea of my children growing up here and becoming imbued with these ideals.

I don't expect London - to be honest I've lived there and wouldn't want my DC to grow up there either - but a middle ground would be nice!

Reassess in a year is a compromise but he has to mean it and not just be saying that to shut you up?

That’s must be tough knowing your husband is happy and you are not. Hopefully something with change for the better for you.

I am not in your situation but I have been discriminated against because one of my dc is disabled.

In fact, we own a static caravan in a seaside town and I want to sell it because of the discrimination we experienced last year from the site owner.

We struggle to find a holiday destination where we are welcome and were refused service twice in France and will never go back.

I feel angry and sad about it but I don't want to spend my life fighting bigoted pricks. I want to live, relax and feel welcome and I particularly want my children to feel that way.

I know it is a million times harder for you because this is your home, but I think your dh should realise how insidious discrimination is, how defenceless people are against it and how relentlessly it breaks people down.

I feel so angry for you.

Yanbu. I find it very different living where I do now. It isn't about giving it enough time, imv, it's about being able to find like minded people and feeling that you belong. For me with older DC it wasn't an option to move again, or more I wouldn't think it fair to move secondary school aged DC to a very different place. If your dh really loves this job, I would maybe compromise by going for one of the cities around you. Oxford, Bristol maybe Reading? Why not do some research, once we can all get out again.

Is there a city you can move to near where you are so your dh could commute but would give you the city life ? And most uk cities are more diverse
I live in a small town , moved from london 20 years ago and it wasn't at all diverse.
But is much more so now

I think you do need to move, I am white and I wouldnt care to live somewhere with no racial diversity (have the chance to move back to where I grew up to be near family and it's one of the reasons I don't want to). You shouldn't have to live somewhere where you are subject to more racism and it does sound like your husband doesnt have your back with this, to be honest. The questioning whether it was racist etc, is kind of patronising.

However is London the only place that youd feel comfortable? What about another big city such as Birmingham? I can see why he might not want to move from a 5 bedroom house to a 3 bed flat. Would you compromise?