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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to tell MIL she was out of line?

99 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 16/01/2021 23:11

MIL can be quite needy and constantly phones DH to take her to the shops or to do things for her if she can't get out. He tries to help her as much as he can but he works full time and we have 3 DC. When he tells her he can't do something she tends to be quite moody.

I found out at the begining of the week I suffered a MMC. On the second day of taking the tablets for medical management, MIL had asked DH to take her to the shops. I was bleeding heavily and was in a lot of pain, so he told her he couldn't. The hospital had advised I shouldn't, if possible, be left on my own. MIL wasn't happy in the slightest (she didn't know I was pregnant) and was quite nasty to DH. She told him that he doesn't care about her in the slightest, that he is a disgrace to humanity, and has not to contact her again. He got upset and hung up on her. Now she has even stopped facetiming and phoning the DC.

Wibu to contact her and tell her that we are going through things she doesn't know about, that her comments are completely out of line, and DH doesn't need her giving him a hard time? He was only trying to help me. Or should I leave things as they are and let them sort it out between themselves?

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 16/01/2021 23:22

That sounds very rough on you.

I think it depends on what you think motivates her. Is she someone who hasn't really understood her children are adults with their own lives? If so, perhaps hearing about your miscarriage will be a wake-up call. Or is this just how she is?

I know the MN line would usually be to insist your DH takes care of it all. But I see you mention she's cut contact with your children so obviously it is something you feel invested in too.

Would your DH be able to ring her and explain you had a MMC and you've had an awful time? If he won't, or if you think she won't respond well, then TBH you have nothing to lose by getting in touch directly.

I absolutely understand you may not want to tell her any details of your experience - I would be the same. I'd be inclined towards something like 'Dear MIL, As you'll know from DH I ended up in hospital [whenever]. It was a huge shock to realise I was so ill. DH was under medical instructions to stay with me and it was very scary for us both. I'm now recovering, and the children are missing you.' And then maybe suggest times for her to phone.

LouiseTrees · 16/01/2021 23:24

I think you should say to him that you intend to contact her. Then when you contact her you say something along the lines of. You know DH goes out of his way to help you often because he loves you, why didn’t you stop to think he’s not doing it this time because something is really affecting him. Why didn’t you ask if he was okay after he hung up on you? FYI we are not okay.

schmockdown · 16/01/2021 23:27

He needs to speak to her not you, and lay it on the line.

Ameliablue · 16/01/2021 23:31

I'd leave alone for the moment

Ameliablue · 16/01/2021 23:32

Actually no tell her as if you don't say anything now it will get worse over time

partyatthepalace · 16/01/2021 23:33

It’s for him to deal with, though you should discuss how much you want to tell her.

Of course he wants to help her, but could this be an opportunity to redraw some boundaries?

LittleOwl153 · 16/01/2021 23:34

Tbh given that you already have 3dc and that hasn't changed her neediness, I think I'd leave her to it. If he wants to contact her then support him in doing so, if not wait and see if she contacts him. If shes that needy I doubt it will be that long - but it might give you some space to cope with the mmc and work out how to deal with her when she does emerge.

HighHeelBoots · 16/01/2021 23:35

I don't think you should do any explaining. She should act like that whatever the circumstances. If you start giving reasons it reinforces that, in normal times, he should jump when she shouts
Leave her to sulk is my advice

HighHeelBoots · 16/01/2021 23:35

Shouldn't

pigsDOfly · 16/01/2021 23:35

I'd be inclined to contact her and let her know that, as you say, she was out of line.

She needs to realise that she can't just expect everyone to jump to her command, regardless of what's happening at the time.

Just be very careful when/if you do so, not to end up sounding as if you're explaining to her why your DH couldn't rush to help her, if that makes sense.

You had a medical emergency, you don't have to give her the details, but you do need to get across to her, in no uncertain terms, that she cannot continue to expect your DH to be at her beck and call.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/01/2021 23:36

She will likely make your traumatic time about her, and you will end up trying to make her feel better about it.

Just leave well alone, look after yourself and she will come back when she realises that your dh isn't backing down, because she still needs him.

So sorry you're going through this Flowers

Love51 · 16/01/2021 23:36

Leave her to sulk. You and DH don't need to explain your decisions to her.

AldiIsla · 16/01/2021 23:37

It's his Mum.
If he wanted to explain to her he would surely have asked your permission to disclose what was going on and gone from there?

I used to try and help DH deal with MIL. Doesn't help, she just tried to play us off against each other. She's selfish, like your MIL.

She's punishing your children because DH wouldn't jump for her.

I'm sorry for your loss. Look after each other, nevermind her.

Godimabitch · 16/01/2021 23:41

I would. Some people get so stuck in their own world that they forget that other people are going through their own things. She needs reminding that her son has other responsibilities and that when you're nasty to people you dont know what else they're going through.

I wouldn't tell her about your MMC though unless you want her to know, it's none of her business and I wouldn't want her to think she has a right to know my medical business.

Unless she's 98, disabled, incapable of caring for herself etc then she really shouldn't be relying so heavily on her son who works and has children of his own.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2021 23:44

Don't put yourself in the middle of your husband's and his mother's relationship. Your husband is an adult and can handle this as he see fit. I doubt any explantion you give will be accepted anyway.

Be glad she's out of your hair.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/01/2021 23:45

I have a good relationship with her and she has been aware of previous pregnancy loss. Thinking now, I'd be more inclined just to tell her what has happened and when, and let her come to her own conclusion that is why DH said no on this occasion. I do feel sorty for her to a certain ectent, she has COPD and the snow has been quite bad so I understand why she would have struggled to get out. But at the same time I was in a lot of pain and couldn't deal with the DC on my own that day. She tends to expect DH to drop everything and go running when she wants something though he has told her this isn't always possible.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 16/01/2021 23:47

So sorry for your loss 😢.

She needs to get over hers. Clearly she feels she's the most important thing in the world and other things and people should revolve round her.

If you and DH go running to patch things up it only enables her behavior and could make it get worse.

Be supportive of DH and ask how he would like to handle it. You could tell him if you want to that you don't mind him telling her about the situation if he thinks it would help. But ultimately it's his mum and his relationship with her so it will probably end better if he deals with it himself.

lyralalala · 16/01/2021 23:47

What does your DH want to do?

Let him decide, she's his Mum.

Aria999 · 16/01/2021 23:47

*herself, not hers. Sorry. Autocorrect hates me these days.

FortyFiedWine · 16/01/2021 23:49

So sorry for your loss, OP. I don't think you should contact her. This should be between your husband and his mother. It's shit that you were even aware of this pettiness and unpleasantness when you've been going through a miscarriage. Your husband should have handled the situation better.

NovemberR · 16/01/2021 23:52

I wouldn't.

I think it's fairly unforgivable to tell someone they are a disgrace to humanity when they say they aren't able to drop everything that day for you.

It screams of entitlement. It's also emotional blackmail. Maybe she needs to appreciate your DH normally does a lot for her and she should be grateful.

I'd massively scale back what I did in the future if I were him. And punishing the grandchildren is pathetic of her. She sounds awful.

PinkiOcelot · 16/01/2021 23:54

Result. She’s told him not to contact her again. I’d do just that. Let her stew in her own juice.

toocold54 · 17/01/2021 00:10

This is between your MIL and DH you need to stay out of it.

If she wants to go shopping and he wants to take her then he can but if he doesn’t then he needs to say so.

If she has no one to go shopping for her and needed to go and didn’t know what was wrong with you then I can see why she’d be upset if her DIL is telling her her son can’t take her to get electric or milk etc.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 17/01/2021 00:11

He was going to tell her when she phoned what had happened, but when she had that attitude he decided against it and hung up. This isn't usually something we would keep from her.

I asked.hin how he wanted to handle it and he said he won't contact her. It's not unusual for me to phone her or even her to phone me, which she hasn't done either.

I feel terrible for him that this will be adding to his grief plus DD is asking why she hasn't facetimed.

I will leave it for the moment though it won't be long before DD asks more questions.

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 17/01/2021 00:14

It’s up to you if you want to tell her but I think your DH needs to put some boundaries down. Why not say he can take her shopping once a week so she better get everything in one go. She’s expecting a lot from him when he has 3DC and a wife.
Sorry for your loss.