Wibu to tell MIL she was out of line?

[SoundWithoutAName]

MIL can be quite needy and constantly phones DH to take her to the shops or to do things for her if she can't get out. He tries to help her as much as he can but he works full time and we have 3 DC. When he tells her he can't do something she tends to be quite moody.

I found out at the begining of the week I suffered a MMC. On the second day of taking the tablets for medical management, MIL had asked DH to take her to the shops. I was bleeding heavily and was in a lot of pain, so he told her he couldn't. The hospital had advised I shouldn't, if possible, be left on my own. MIL wasn't happy in the slightest (she didn't know I was pregnant) and was quite nasty to DH. She told him that he doesn't care about her in the slightest, that he is a disgrace to humanity, and has not to contact her again. He got upset and hung up on her. Now she has even stopped facetiming and phoning the DC.

Wibu to contact her and tell her that we are going through things she doesn't know about, that her comments are completely out of line, and DH doesn't need her giving him a hard time? He was only trying to help me. Or should I leave things as they are and let them sort it out between themselves?

@LastRoloIsMine Yes she has COPD but as far as I'm aware it doesn't affect her mobility too much. She seems to climb the 2 flights of stairs outside her flat relatively easily. She still smokes. She wanted DH to take her to the shops, not for him to shop for her.

Sound you clearly know better than me how her health affects her and I wasnt saying her behaviour is right. Its just the whole "I am 57 and I am fit" line is pointless when compared to a person who has a lung condition.

As I said her poor health is not a free pass for her to treat others as badly as she has her son and his family.

I'd leave her to it and be grateful it might give you a few weeks respite from her demands. She needs you more than you need her by the sounds of it.

She has said don’t contact her so I would take her at her word.

And tbh your DD having no relationship with her is no loss. If she doesn’t get back in touch then your DD will forget about her in time anyway.

I know that’s harsh but you don’t get to speak to people the way she spoke to your DH and expect the world to bend over backwards for you. Your DH can sort this out if he really wants to, but if he doesn’t then I’d consider the relationship between you all is over.

And isn’t it amazing that now your dh isn’t at her beck and call she seems to be managing without him.... So even if she does get back in contact with your DH I would advise him to tell her that since it’s clear she can actually manage without him, he won’t come running as soon as she shouts.

Leave her to it. She sounds like the kind of person who will make your MMC her big loss and bang on about it.

Keep it to yourselves. If you need to say that you had horrific D&V bug or something, and you’re very weak after it.

I hope you’re doing ok x

i think there are 2 things here. I think it's lovely that your DH helps his mum out. It is a lonely life right now for people who aren't going out whatever their age, and he does tell her when it's not convenient, so despite saying she's "needy" it is kind to look out for your lonely family members despite how close shops might be etc.

My mum is alone and she does her supermarket shopping in person, if she didn't she would never have any interaction outside of our weekly call and WhatsApp. I get it. As long as people like this take the usual precautions, i think it's fine.

The other issue is how, when denied her wish, your MIL reacted. what she said was pretty much unforgiveable whatever your DHs reason for not being able to jump to help her at that time. (also sorry for your loss, OP)
TBH I think it really ought to be up to him to decide how to move forward on this. I don't think he needs to give a reason beyond "sorry, Mum it wasn't convenient at that time" and then tell her that her reaction was unacceptable and she needs to think about what she's done and make it good.

Yabu, she won't suddenly become a compassionate human being.

But I do understand why you would want to rage at her. Sorry for your loss xx

[quote SoundWithoutAName]@LastRoloIsMine Yes she has COPD but as far as I'm aware it doesn't affect her mobility too much. She seems to climb the 2 flights of stairs outside her flat relatively easily. She still smokes. She wanted DH to take her to the shops, not for him to shop for her. [/quote]
Sounds like she doesn't need his support, she just wants a free taxi. On that basis I would leave her to stew, and tell her your news in your own time when contact is re-established. to you OP for your loss.

57.....I'm nearly that.

Unbelievable.

Do NOT contact her.
Tell your daughter that granny wants time on her own and we will respect that.

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

You OP are in for 30 years of drama if you don't pull well back from this appalling behaviour.

Don't contact her.
Hopefully your husband will give her all the space to sulk that she wants.

Hope you feel better soon.

Is he an only one or the only one who gives into her?

In either case she'll be crawling back I would have thought.

Your husband was obviously upset by what she said, but I would have thought that pulling back & placing boundaries would be the best way to go.

Who needs someone so nasty in their life?

57!!!!
So basically as long as your DH obeys her every request, she'll be nice to him, but say just once that he can't accommodate her, she is nasty without even stopping to ask the reason why. I had relatives like this. If you didn't obey them, you got the hard cold shoulder. Its very controlling and miserable to be in that position. She knows she was so nasty to him he had to hang up and she's done this without finding out what's wrong and
She's now also punishing her grandchildren, dragging them into the row so that you are forced to give explanations to your DD. I think that is horrible!
I would let her sulk it out or she will continue to get worse as time goes on.

I’d let her stew. Without jumping to her every whim, she’ll need to figure out how to do the on line shopping and local deliveries that you kindly showed her how to do.

Also, respect the boundary your DH has set by not contacting her due to her behaviour. Let him lead the way and be the one to talk to MIL when she eventually calls again. If anything, if you’re concerned with how your DH feels about this and due to the MMC, talk with him about his feelings and give him your support.

By doing this, she’ll soon learn she needs to consider your DH family commitments to you and your DC, cope better on her own using her own resources and maybe, hopefully appreciate your DH and all he’s been doing for her a bit more.

Sorry for your loss. I’m sure you didn’t need your MIL causing turmoil at this time.

57 - wow

she doesn't want to be contacted? Great, you've saved yourself 30 years of running around after her. Let her stew in her own juices.

If you don't fancy telling the children she's died, just be honest and saying she is being a childish twit and sulking - it's nothing they've done, but they won't be hearing from her anytime soon.

If MIL stops sulking and gets in touch, set boundaries, and they should include limited contact with your children. Tell her that she has upset the children with her infantile sulks, and you won't have that happening again.
She might even learn to do online shopping. If she has COPD shouldn't she be shielding rather than trotting around on shopping trips anyway?

I am so sorry for your loss, Op.

I would let dh deal with this. I can totally understand that you want to tell her what you and he are dealing with, but it is up to him to do this.

My guess is that your MIL is very used to getting her own way and will make any news you give her all about her anyway.

And I can't believe how young she is!

She always does seem to manage when DH isn't available to take her out and about, she just doesn't like being told no. Up until Dc3 was born 6 months ago he never really told her no. With 3dc and 2 of them being under 2 (oldest is 6yo) things are challenging enough at the best of times without DH being at her every beck and call. She did have her sister to take her out when DH wasn't available but she no longer has a car. Yes she should be shielding but likes to pick her own food, which is probably why she doesn't have her shopping delivered.

I will leave things as they as they are and let her contact us/have DH handle things however he sees fit.

I would hope that if you called her and let her know what had been going on, she will feel terrible and be much more supportive and apologise. If you feel comfortable telling her / that is what I would do

I assume she will be in contact when she needs more food

Leave her to it, she’ll have to crawl back eventually and it will show her that her tantrums don’t bring everyone running. I feel for you as I have a similar mil. When she left his job and we had no car for a short while shes as howling and crying on the phone as ‘how will she get her shopping??’ (This was before the pandemic). On the bus and a taxi, dickhead! Not a care about how we will manage etc.

She tried to get DH to be at her beck and call and for a long time he did but he has better boundaries now and I’m quite proud of how he maintains them. She now accepts a weekly shop online, she makes a list and DH puts the order through for her. A year ago would have been unthinkable. DH had to go over today as she called 3 times yesterday because her gad company asked for a reading (it’s totally accessible to her but she’s got learned helplessness).

I've voted YABU as I think it should be left to your DH to manage however he thinks best. I wouldn't appreciate anybody interfering and potentially making things worse if it were me.

I’ve got ten years on your mil and would not dream of behaving in such a selfish, entitled way. Leave it to her to contact your DH and let him handle it. It’s time for her to grow up.

57 ! your DH could have another 30+ years running around after her. Sounds like her health can't be that bad if she manages two flights of stairs to her flat . She sounds appalling and totally self centred.

I'm 5 years older than her and out and about volunteering for vulnerable people most days - I know that's not the point but honestly, my 90 year old DF sounds like he can manage for himself a lot better than your MIL.

Leave her alone .... she's not going to starve - your DH really needs to set some boundaries- make it clear he can do her shopping once/twice a week at his convenience.

57! FFS that's not much older than me and the same age as some of my friends. From her behaviour I thought she'd at least be in her mid 70s, this is an independent adult with her full faculties not an vulnerable elderly little lady who is staggering a 4 minute walk to the shops with a walking frame and losing her marbles a bit.

Its good to keep your powder dry and let DH handle it, but to a woman this age I'd have no problem telling her what you were dealing with as a couple, and that you agree about not contacting her being the best thing to do. There's every chance your DH has 30+ years of this controlling BS. Let the bugger stew.