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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to tell MIL she was out of line?

99 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 16/01/2021 23:11

MIL can be quite needy and constantly phones DH to take her to the shops or to do things for her if she can't get out. He tries to help her as much as he can but he works full time and we have 3 DC. When he tells her he can't do something she tends to be quite moody.

I found out at the begining of the week I suffered a MMC. On the second day of taking the tablets for medical management, MIL had asked DH to take her to the shops. I was bleeding heavily and was in a lot of pain, so he told her he couldn't. The hospital had advised I shouldn't, if possible, be left on my own. MIL wasn't happy in the slightest (she didn't know I was pregnant) and was quite nasty to DH. She told him that he doesn't care about her in the slightest, that he is a disgrace to humanity, and has not to contact her again. He got upset and hung up on her. Now she has even stopped facetiming and phoning the DC.

Wibu to contact her and tell her that we are going through things she doesn't know about, that her comments are completely out of line, and DH doesn't need her giving him a hard time? He was only trying to help me. Or should I leave things as they are and let them sort it out between themselves?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 17/01/2021 00:16

Was she in desperate need of food or was it that she just wanted something particular.

How old is she?

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

sosotired1 · 17/01/2021 00:16

I wouldn't speak to her about how she spoke to your DH, as that is his issue to deal with. However, if she messing around with the contact with the children, I would take that up with her as I would not allow that. The next time I spoke to her, I would be very clear that whatever issue she had with her son, she was not to draw her grandchildren into it, and if she did, you would cease contact.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 17/01/2021 00:20

Wibu to contact her and tell her that we are going through things she doesn't know about, that her comments are completely out of line, and DH doesn't need her giving him a hard time? He was only trying to help me. Or should I leave things as they are and let them sort it out between themselves?

I have voted that YABU but only because the tone of your text here doesn't sound like it will smooth anything over.
If you said smth like "I'm sorry you feel let down, you didn't know this but I suffered another loss and I had medication the doctors told me I shouldn't be on my own, I hope this makes more sense of why (husband) couldn't help you the other day. You've asked not to be contacted so we will honour that from here on in, I just wanted to explain what actually happened"
then I think it would be more likely to get an apology from her.

I'm sorry for your loss OP

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 17/01/2021 00:34

@ineedaholidaynow I'm not sure, but I have showed her many times how to order supermarket deliveries. She lives within a 5 minute walking distance so I know we can get essential delivered within 2 hours and a big shop the next day. She is 57 but does have COPD.

@sosotired1 Yes I really need to say this to her

OP posts:
SimplyRadishing · 17/01/2021 00:39

57???

My eyes are rolling in my head. My 70 year old mother can do an online shop on a mobile.

She sounds a nightmare and you and your DH sound like pushovers.
Personally, I wouldn't get in touch again and if shes tries to contact you both I'd be going LC.

justilou1 · 17/01/2021 00:50

I think her refusal to do the online deliveries is her way of continuing to interact with “outside” during lockdown. It’s possibly better for her mental health but she really should be shielding if she has COPD. It is controlling for your DH and putting you and your family at more risk as it means extra trips out to the supermarket. She is being a bit selfish there. 57 is not too old to learn how to order online. Her reaction to your husband saying “No” was OTT and manipulative. He is obviously over it. I think you need to have a chat with him about this before you go behind his back and call her as there is obviously a history of this kind of overly emotional, manipulative shit from her. Your MIL is not acknowledging your DH’s responsibilities at home, or that they have a higher priority than her immediate needs.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 17/01/2021 00:51

@SimplyRadishing Yes my mum is 66 and can order absolutely everything she wants online.

MiL can be needy and demanding. There was a point in time she was phoning DH everyday for something. We had to tell her it was too much, which is why I showed her how to order things online for herself.

She lives on her own so I think she just likes the company at times

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2021 01:12

She's 57?! For fuck's sake. She just wants to keep her son under her thumb.

katy1213 · 17/01/2021 01:16

Enjoy the peace while it lasts. You don't owe her an explanation or information about your private affairs.

SheilaWilcox · 17/01/2021 01:25

Her loss. Enjoy the peace, quiet and lack of demands.
She's 57 and unless she has learning disabilities needs to behave like and adult and sort some online shopping out.

Sorry for your loss.x.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 17/01/2021 01:45

I leave things as they are but it really bothers me knowing how much MIL response will be adding to DH suffering

OP posts:
justilou1 · 17/01/2021 08:21

Your husband HAS made a decision based on his history with her behaving like this, @SoundWithoutAName. I think you need to talk to him about his feelings about this, not what you want for you and your daughter.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/01/2021 08:23

Has she always been this needy even before COVID?

Bookworming · 17/01/2021 08:35

No you shouldn't tell her, by telling her you're saying "that's why DH couldn't do the shopping", you're offering an "excuse".

If DH can't do the shopping he doesn't need to explain himself, just a "I can't do that at the moment", should be sufficient.

Also it's down the DH to sort, not you.

IracebethOfCrims · 17/01/2021 08:40

I’m so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Your MIL sounds selfish and entitled.
I’d let her stew for a while.

So she expects your DH to drop everything for her so she can go shopping, then she verbally abuses him when he says he can’t help right away.

It sounds like you have ‘good’ relationship with her all the time you and your DH are putting her first. Then as soon as someone says ‘no’ to her she throws a strop?

Your DH should be able to say ‘no’ to her without having to justify it. He has a family and presumably a job which he needs to prioritise. If she needs regular assistance with shopping then she should work out plans (with or without DH) in advance.

You are going through enough at the moment without sorting out your MIL. Focus on yourself, she isn’t your responsibility.

HermioneWeasley · 17/01/2021 08:43

I wouldn’t be making first contact - she was bang out of order and needs to be apologising. In the meantime, she’s told you not to contact her so you have some peace and quiet.

She’ll be in touch soon enough when she wants something and then you have a fair but tough conversation about her behaviour- emotionally abusing your kids by dropping contact because she’s cross with her son is unacceptable. If she can’t be a reliable adult for them, then she can’t be in their lives.

I’m very sorry about your miscarriage. Hope you’re doing ok. Your husband has 3 kids and may at some point have 4. His primary responsibility is to his family unit.

IracebethOfCrims · 17/01/2021 08:46

@SoundWithoutAName

I leave things as they are but it really bothers me knowing how much MIL response will be adding to DH suffering
Your MIL’s response was DESIGNED to make your DH suffer. She wants to keep him in line. Don’t go running to MIL to smooth things over. It’s exactly what she wants.
picklemewalnuts · 17/01/2021 08:53

Don't explain and don't chase. She needs to work it out herself. She is driving her son away with her behaviour.

She needs better boundaries and actually telling her why he couldn't help this time just validates her claim to immediate help in future.

I'm sorry for your loss, and the extra stress she is causing.

Flapjak · 17/01/2021 08:55

She is an adult and needs to be treated like one. I think that someone needs to have a conversation with her about not taking her annoyance with your husband out on the children, and going forward if she has access to the internet refuse to do any more shops for her.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 08:56

A year ago I would have said ignore her let her sulk she sounds ridiculously needy. However having spent more time with people who are in similar positions to your MIL I have a slightly different view.

COPD is a very debilitating disease. Even just walking 5 minutes causes severe breathlessness, chest pain and fatigue. We are in a pandemic which for those with COPD covid is most likely life threatening plus the loneliness, fear and the need to rely on others does make others selfish to their own needs.

Your MIL could be a nasty selfish person in general I don't know but given the current circumstances I would be inclined to be a bit more forgiving.
Thats not taking away anything from your own traumatic experience and I would like to think if she knew she would apologise and be understanding.
Its up to you and DH whether or not you want to give her the opportunity to apologise once she knows the reasons he could not help that day.

Ilovenewyear · 17/01/2021 09:01

YANBU, she said not to contact her so don’t.
She sounds very self absorbed.

littertraywarrior · 17/01/2021 09:03

She sounds awful.

What would she do if you all got covid and had to isolate, especially with her copd, throw a hissy fit?!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 17/01/2021 09:04

I also vote don’t contact her, it’s what she said after all! She needs to learn that her shouting louder doesn’t make you jump higher. It’s not all about her, even though she thinks it is. She’s 57!!! When lm her age l will have 12-13 years left working and it’s unlikely l will be demanding my children run round after me at a moments notice.

LickEmbysmiling · 17/01/2021 09:12

Just say to dd she's not well.
She sounds awful op and you can't see either because you are so used to this, how awful it is

You also seem to be bending over backwards for her.

I think I'd say

Mil, we had an emergency here when you needed dh and he was told by medics to support me. He tried to tell you but you told him he was heartless. You owe us all an apology please for adding unnecessary stress to an already tragic situation.
I look forward to hearing your apology.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 17/01/2021 09:16

57? Shit she's younger than me and I'm still dealing with a teen, house and work.
I get she has COPD, but for goodness sake she needs to grow up.
If Dd asked why she's not facetiming, I'd tell her Grandma is sulking and not calling. If she asks why. Say well no one always gets exatly what they want, when they want. So she's annoyed. Then change the subject.
Don't contact her, let her stew, she's just trying to keep you all under her thumb, even if she doesn't see it herself.