Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to tell MIL she was out of line?

99 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 16/01/2021 23:11

MIL can be quite needy and constantly phones DH to take her to the shops or to do things for her if she can't get out. He tries to help her as much as he can but he works full time and we have 3 DC. When he tells her he can't do something she tends to be quite moody.

I found out at the begining of the week I suffered a MMC. On the second day of taking the tablets for medical management, MIL had asked DH to take her to the shops. I was bleeding heavily and was in a lot of pain, so he told her he couldn't. The hospital had advised I shouldn't, if possible, be left on my own. MIL wasn't happy in the slightest (she didn't know I was pregnant) and was quite nasty to DH. She told him that he doesn't care about her in the slightest, that he is a disgrace to humanity, and has not to contact her again. He got upset and hung up on her. Now she has even stopped facetiming and phoning the DC.

Wibu to contact her and tell her that we are going through things she doesn't know about, that her comments are completely out of line, and DH doesn't need her giving him a hard time? He was only trying to help me. Or should I leave things as they are and let them sort it out between themselves?

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 17/01/2021 09:29

She does need to stop being so demanding. And to an extent she is because he let's her. Let her have her tantrum for a few days, she'll be needing you before you need her. And whatever the reason your husband said to say no should of been enough for her, without her giving him all that abuse. We are in a pandemic she should behaving shopping delivered once a week end of. Outside garden visits or whatever allowed and facetime etc. What if on a shopping trip your DH caught covid. Would she feel guilty? To you OP, I hope you recover soon.

sunsetorange · 17/01/2021 09:29

Urgh OP my MIL can be like this. Rings my partner randomly atleast twice a week for him to drop her off somewhere. Asks to borrow money a lot too but that is another story. So draining - she is 54. Find it very frustrating when the roles end up being reversed like this, the kids almost become the parents.

The way she spoke to your DH is up to him to speak up but agree with others that her not contacting your children because she is sulking needs to be mentioned. Not fair on the children at all and it is a nasty tactic to use.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2021 09:33

She lives on her own so I think she just likes the company at times

But at only 57 and able to get out to the shops does she also have no other friends or acquaintances she talks to for company?

Honestly I'd let her just stew. She has other options, she is creating the dependency on one person and then complaining when they don't jump!

AnnaSW1 · 17/01/2021 09:47

I wouldn't contact her. She needs to grow up and apologise

TaraR2020 · 17/01/2021 09:51

I'm so sorry for your loss, op and for how ill you must be feeling right now.

I agree with pp, just leave this one well alone, focus on yourself and your family. I think if you get involved right now it will just stir things up. You would also be handing the power back to her because all she has to do is have a tantrum and you all rush to smooth things over.

Let your dh deal with this when he is ready and then if you're both happy to, it might be a good idea to encourage greater independence on her part. Maybe you help out once a week, rather than being on call daily.

Let her have her strop, she's being very manipulative and your dh sounds like a really lovely man.

Rest up, op, and take care Flowers

Winterwoollies · 17/01/2021 09:53

God, I thought you were going to say she was 85 or something. 57?!

She sounds needy, controlling and selfish AF. To not even ask if her son was ok when he said he couldn’t take her (and probably wouldn’t have sounded sad), just shows how she’ll only ever cast herself in the role of victim and would never think to ask about anyone else.

Enjoy the peace and focus on each other at this horrid time.

LouiseTrees · 17/01/2021 09:56

@SoundWithoutAName

I leave things as they are but it really bothers me knowing how much MIL response will be adding to DH suffering
I really wouldn’t leave things as they are if you want to have any relationship with this woman. She’s unlikely to issue an apology and she doesn’t actually know you are the people entitled to one.
Winterwoollies · 17/01/2021 09:56

Sorry, would have sounded sad.

LouiseTrees · 17/01/2021 09:57

@SoundWithoutAName

I have a good relationship with her and she has been aware of previous pregnancy loss. Thinking now, I'd be more inclined just to tell her what has happened and when, and let her come to her own conclusion that is why DH said no on this occasion. I do feel sorty for her to a certain ectent, she has COPD and the snow has been quite bad so I understand why she would have struggled to get out. But at the same time I was in a lot of pain and couldn't deal with the DC on my own that day. She tends to expect DH to drop everything and go running when she wants something though he has told her this isn't always possible.
Good idea if you are both comfortable doing this. Text her don’t phone her though. That way she knows you are not phoning because you feel uncomfortable with her potential attitude.
MossandRoy · 17/01/2021 09:59

57!! Christ she sounds like a nightmare!

DeborahAlisonphillipa · 17/01/2021 10:03

I don’t think you should do anything. Her response is so over the top and horrible that it can’t be justified. she shouldn’t need to know you’ve suffered a loss and are in physical pain and needing supervision in order to not cut her son off and call him a disgrace because he can’t help her one day. She sounds awful I wouldn’t give it oxygen. Look after yourself.

Bluetrews25 · 17/01/2021 10:08

Let her stew.

57???!!! FGS, she is the very definition of learned helplessness.

Had she run out of fags?

Lemons1571 · 17/01/2021 10:11

I can understand some older women being like this if their husband dies. Women that were housewives and never had to take responsibility for themselves over and above caring for the children. But I’d expect to see this in the 65+ generations, not someone in their 50’s.

I agree that she’s sulking, insular and has turned inwards, probably not helped by the isolation caused by the pandemic. My parent only sees things in the context of how it affects him. Even if those things happened to someone else. I agree with a pp that this could be a good time to reset the boundaries between the two households.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 17/01/2021 10:13

@toocold54 I didn't tell him he couldn't take her anywhere. He knew the state I was in and decided, for himself, to tell her I can't just now.

Her closest shop is a 4 minute walk from her house, according to Google maps.

I didn't think that by offering her an excuse and trying to patch things up only enables her behaviour, and makes her think she is always entitled to immediate help. It's a good point. I think what she said was absolutely vile. I'll let her stew, it won't be long before she is back in contact.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 17/01/2021 10:15

I think you should let her sulk.

Turning her spite on the children was unforgivable. Talk about training them young to always please grandma or be punished!

maddiemookins16mum · 17/01/2021 10:20

Normally I’m a bit fgs at the endless moaning about every MIL on MN (which would not normally be the case if it was the womans own mother)..but blimey this is just awful for you both. I’d leave it a few days for sure 💐

georgarina · 17/01/2021 10:21

Someone should explain to her that people's families have a lot going on and she can't expect constant availability. She doesn't even need to know about the circumstances, she just needs to know people have lives and she can't expect this kind of entitlement.

Basically she needs some boundaries set out.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/01/2021 10:22

57! Bloody hells bells, I’m 57 in the Summer and work full time and feel like I’m 40 (most days 🤣).

Harpydragon · 17/01/2021 10:26

I absolutely would not be getting in touch with her. She does not seem to have realised that your dh has other responsibilities now, you and his own children. He made the decision not to speak to her and you should respect that. It sounds like he wants to start building boundaries.
My mum can be very similar and if I make the choice not to speak to her because she over stepped a mark I would be utterly furious if my dh spoke to her and tried to smooth things over. Sometimes the only way to show people how cross you are is to disengage and let them reflect, sadly with this type of person it will be built up in their heads that you are at fault.
let her make the first move and take it from there

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 10:28

All these posters stating that MIL is only 57 and should do so and so and I can and why cant she blah blah blah.

The MIL has a chronic lung condition. The inability to breath properly has a devastating affect on energy levels, mobility, MH and ages you considerably. I am not saying this should be a free pass for MIL to behave selfishly but a healthy person declaring MIL should be able to do the same level if activity as them is frankly ridiculous.

tenlittlecygnets · 17/01/2021 10:33

She told him that he doesn't care about her in the slightest, that he is a disgrace to humanity, and has not to contact her again. He got upset and hung up on her. Now she has even stopped facetiming and phoning the DC.

She sounds like a selfish nightmare. He says no once to her, and this is the reaction?? Completely disproportionate and verging on the abusive. And now she's behaving differently to the dc? Eurgh. Immature, selfish cow.

I'd leave her well alone and focus on your family.

BonnieDundee · 17/01/2021 10:37

Dont go pandering to her. If shes pulls that shit every time someone says no to her.she can stew for a bit

justilou1 · 17/01/2021 10:38

Before people tell me that I’m heartless - I’m not, I’m deeply hurt. My mum had COPD too, (but ended up dying of lung cancer) and she behaved very much like your MIL. I had to fly back to Australia from where I was living with my family in Europe every time she was “dying” in hospital (it took seven years from first diagnosis, which she continued to lie about, despite me being there at the time....) and I wish that I had been tougher with myself and establishing very strict boundaries with her. I am going to probably be shot down here, but I am also going to say that I also have very strong feelings about the nature of her illness that stem from her selfishness also. I understand that she was addicted to smoking, but she was not an uneducated woman. She was a nurse. She knew for decades what it would do to her body, yet she refused every offer of assistance to quit. She ignored every hideous photo on the front of every cigarette packet showing gangrenous feet, rotten teeth, cancerous lungs, tombstones, health warnings (we live in Australia.) Here in Australia cigarettes cost about $40 per packet, and that didn’t stop her. I remember crying when I heard health warnings on the radio when I was tiny and she was flicking ash out the car window, and she told me not to worry about it. I nursed her when she died a couple of years ago, and I am resentful because she was still in denial, and she was still wanting to smoke. Could your husband be angry because her illness is self-inflicted and she isn’t taking responsibility for that too?

BonnieDundee · 17/01/2021 10:40

Shes only 57! I thought she was going to be about 90

Cherrysoup · 17/01/2021 10:40

Let her sulk, she’s the one missing out. Going forward, I would be reducing the amount of times you’re available to run errands. She’s hardly ancient! My 82 year old dm told me she was putting on her new walking boots to walk 10 minutes to the shops in heavy snow. You’re making her more dependent the more you run every time she clicks her fingers.