To have gotten ‘the ick’ after 10 years?

Yrmyfavourite · 2021-01-16T22:38:27+00:00

My fiancé has suddenly given me ‘the ick’. We have a gorgeous baby girl who is 15 months old and he’s always made me seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes really cringey and overly chatty. I see people around us eye rolling and trying to escape when he speaks and I desperately try to save him because it genuinely hurts my heart to think of anyone finding him awkward. But, it’s got to the point where I feel completely uncomfortable when we have sex. It really does give me the ick when he is kissing me etc. How do I overcome this? We are due to get married this year? Without covid we would already be married. I love him but, I’m so scared I can’t get past this!

cupofteaaa · 16/01/2021 22:59

I definitely think the ick is a done deal. Sorry OP if you truly think it is looking that way

However, when my DS was young, my DH wasn't as attractive to me and sex made me queamish. I didn't consider it the ick, just that having a child cling to me all day meant I wanted my space and wasn't feeling good in myself too. A couple of years later and I love him and our sex just as much as I did when we first met.

I know it's hard atm, but try make as much time for just you two as a couple, date nights at home and embrace all the positives of your relationship if you can.

partyatthepalace · 16/01/2021 23:15

You are bringing up two quite different issues. People can be a bit embarrassing after a few drinks, but it is odd to say it’s made you question your relationship as it doesn’t sound like a huge thing.

Not wanting sex sounds like a different thing, but added to generally questioning your relationship it doesn’t sound great.

As the pp said, can you try and get some one on one time to figure out if it can work or if you need to call it off.

queenofSI · 16/01/2021 23:26

There’s no returning from the ick

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2021 23:32

Your gut is screaming at you to not marry this man as things currently stand. It will not end well.

Noshandpecs · 16/01/2021 23:42

Personally I think you have a responsibility to explore this further with a 15 month old child between you.

RhubarbAndRoses · 16/01/2021 23:54

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years and we have been through some seriously rough patches. Including ick patches. They have always passed. Eventually. Right now I fancy the hell out of him but like I said, we go through phases. If you love him and have a child together, try and get through it. If you can’t you can’t but I think you should try.

pallisers · 16/01/2021 23:57

He’s always made me seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes really cringey and overly chatty. I see people around us eye rolling and trying to escape when he speaks and I desperately try to save him

I suspect this is why you now can't stand him.

You question your relationship. You cringe when you have sex. Why would you marry him? Sometimes having a baby puts everything in a very clear light.

NovemberRain2 · 17/01/2021 00:00

What does he do that's cringey? Could you talk to him about it and perhaps he might stop? That might then help abolish the ick?

toocold54 · 17/01/2021 00:13

He’s always made me seriously question our relationship

It sounds like this isn’t a new feeling and the ick is just an extra thing to not like about him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/01/2021 00:27

@toocold54

He’s always made me seriously question our relationship

It sounds like this isn’t a new feeling and the ick is just an extra thing to not like about him.

This. So it's not a new thing. The ick might be, but the knowledge the relationship isn't viable long term / compatible isn't.

ktp100 · 17/01/2021 00:39

This whole 'ick' thing is so fucking juvenile.

Do you really think people who are married 60 odd years haven't been through periods like this?!

People give up on good relationships too quickly these days.

Loads of women go through a patch of not wanting sex after having a baby.

Lots of men are a bit dickish after they've had a few vinos.

Not the end of the world, is it!!!

ktp100 · 17/01/2021 00:41

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years and we have been through some seriously rough patches. Including ick patches. They have always passed. Eventually. Right now I fancy the hell out of him but like I said, we go through phases. If you love him and have a child together, try and get through it. If you can’t you can’t but I think you should try.

This!!! All day long!!!

SheilaWilcox · 17/01/2021 00:48

Can you say postpone the wedding for a few years? Your DD would be able to enjoy being a bridesmaid, less chance of having to re-arrange again due to Covid etc..

Keep your finances as separate as possible until you are sure.

The night before my wedding I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but I was pregnant and felt it was too late to back out. 10 yrs down the line and it's no easier to leave and I feel I've made my bed, so have to lie in it.

Be braver than me, your future self will thank you.

Noti23 · 17/01/2021 00:50

I discovered the infamous ick was actually the implant

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 17/01/2021 00:59

@ktp100

This whole 'ick' thing is so fucking juvenile.

Do you really think people who are married 60 odd years haven't been through periods like this?!

People give up on good relationships too quickly these days.

Loads of women go through a patch of not wanting sex after having a baby.

Lots of men are a bit dickish after they've had a few vinos.

Not the end of the world, is it!!!

Well said, it is juvenile. Wasn’t the ick initially used for people who had dated a few times but then discovered that they ate with their mouth open so put them off from pursuing the relationship any further, I don’t think it was intended for people who had been to years and had children.

throwaway5001 · 17/01/2021 01:18

I would recommend watching this and seeing if you feel the same, Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw

www.netflix.com/title/80223685?s=i&trkid=13747225

Original poster

Yrmyfavourite · 17/01/2021 01:27

Think I wrote my post in a rush and I completely appreciate that the ‘ick’ isn’t the most logical or respectful way to refer to a 10 year relationship. Just feel like I am struggling with him right now. Today is my birthday and my sister is our childcare bubble and has taken my baby girl overnight for us. He was going to cook us a meal but instead we decided to have a couple of drinks and share a pizza to make the most of an extremely rare baby free night. He got drunk and started to tell me that he has friends in ‘high places’ who were willing to help out a family member who was having issues with someone they weren’t getting along with at work (a woman with a family). I don’t now if that is too vague but, I asked him if he thought he was some sort of gangster and after really cringing and trying to get some sense of him, explaining how awful he sounded, I eventually have come to bed feeling totally deflated and completely ‘put off’ by his behaviour. I guess that is what I mean by ‘the ick’ I just feel really off put by it and I hate it. He’s the most amazing dad to our little girl but he makes me cringe so much when he acts like this big alpha and I’m not sure how to react to it. He does it in front of friends and family quite often and I just wish I could gag him mid sentence at times.

The sex thing is fairly new but, we don’t get chance often. When it does come about, I find myself thinking of other things to get me ‘there’ and if I zone back in, I sometimes just have to stop as, I struggle to make it work. It’s never been an issue in the past as, we used to have a very healthy sex life

OP posts:

WiseOwlRelaxing · 17/01/2021 01:27

@Aquamarine1029

Your gut is screaming at you to not marry this man as things currently stand. It will not end well.

yes, the ick is a message from your subconscious not to let your conscious ignore the fact that HE DRINKS TOO MUCH AND EMBARRASSES YOU

covidaintacrime · 17/01/2021 01:30

What would be his response if you asked him to stop drinking, OP?

BorderlineHappy · 17/01/2021 01:36

He’s always made me seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes really cringey and overly chatty. I see people around us eye rolling and trying to escape when he speaks and I desperately try to save him

Then why have a baby with him.

You where with him years before baby came along.And if hes as bad as you say why agree to marry him and have a baby.

And really in a ltr you get the ick many times.Sometimes i jump the bones off my partner,other times i could happily never see him again.

If you are getting cold feet and dont want to marry him at least finish with him.

iailwfsaidc · 17/01/2021 01:42

How often does he drink?
Are there any other issues relating to his drinking?

Bubbles1st · 17/01/2021 02:04

Can't you just tell him how his behaviour is in appropriate and that he really needs to stop drinking too much. Film him and show him how he acts. Make him cringe.

If it is more than his drunken behaviour though you need to decide if you want to keep going to bed by his side.

I couldn't share a bed with my man night after night if I didn't love his touch and having him in my personal space.

How would you feel if he was saying this about you?

Happy birthday....

CutToChase · 17/01/2021 06:32

So your partner is a great dad. His shortcomings are sometimes getting overly chatty when drunk, and subtly playing the alpha male from time to time in his anecdotes. He hardly sounds like a monster.

You're totally entitled to have the ick and want to end it but I do think women need to take more responsibility for having kids with men who make them feel unsure from the get go, which is how you describe it.

And I also agree with PP that we throw away relationships too quickly these days.

gutful · 17/01/2021 06:35

You shouldn’t be marrying someone who embarrasses you/is an embarrassment.

Wackadoo · 17/01/2021 06:39

@CutToChase

So your partner is a great dad. His shortcomings are sometimes getting overly chatty when drunk, and subtly playing the alpha male from time to time in his anecdotes. He hardly sounds like a monster.

You're totally entitled to have the ick and want to end it but I do think women need to take more responsibility for having kids with men who make them feel unsure from the get go, which is how you describe it.

And I also agree with PP that we throw away relationships too quickly these days.

Let's be clear here. A man doesn't have to be a monster for a woman not to want to spend the rest of her life with him. Are we really setting the bar so low that we'll go along with it as long as he doesn't hit us? Jesus.