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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have gotten ‘the ick’ after 10 years?

87 replies

Yrmyfavourite · 16/01/2021 22:38

My fiancé has suddenly given me ‘the ick’. We have a gorgeous baby girl who is 15 months old and he’s always made me seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes really cringey and overly chatty. I see people around us eye rolling and trying to escape when he speaks and I desperately try to save him because it genuinely hurts my heart to think of anyone finding him awkward. But, it’s got to the point where I feel completely uncomfortable when we have sex. It really does give me the ick when he is kissing me etc. How do I overcome this? We are due to get married this year? Without covid we would already be married. I love him but, I’m so scared I can’t get past this!

OP posts:

Anon778833 · 17/01/2021 08:48

Don’t get married!! You can’t marry someone you don’t fancy.

Labobo · 17/01/2021 08:52

This whole 'ick' thing is so fucking juvenile.

Do you really think people who are married 60 odd years haven't been through periods like this?!

People give up on good relationships too quickly these days.

Loads of women go through a patch of not wanting sex after having a baby.

Lots of men are a bit dickish after they've had a few vinos.

Not the end of the world, is it!!!

@ktp100 - well said. I totally agree. I loathe the notion of 'the ick' and people gleefully saying things like 'there's no going back from the ick'. It's so ridiculous. Marriage isn't only workable if your husband is perfect 100% of the time and you feel a rush of love for him 100% of the time. Being a single mum is hard. Being the child of divorced parents is hard. Don't overlook and dismiss all the strengths of your relationship to fixate on something that could be a passing phase.

WhatsMissed · 17/01/2021 08:58

Interesting that MN are encouraging OP NOT to marry this man. If OP comes on here in a few months querying how she can financially survive without him, posters will pile on to say she should have married him....

Bluesheep8 · 17/01/2021 09:02

YABU to say 'gotten' if you're not American.

Labobo · 17/01/2021 09:05

@WhatsMissed - quite a few are saying the opposite!

Buddytheelf85 · 17/01/2021 09:05

I loathe the notion of 'the ick' and people gleefully saying things like 'there's no going back from the ick'. It's so ridiculous. Marriage isn't only workable if your husband is perfect 100% of the time and you feel a rush of love for him 100% of the time. Being a single mum is hard. Being the child of divorced parents is hard. Don't overlook and dismiss all the strengths of your relationship to fixate on something that could be a passing phase.*

Absolutely. This isn’t Sex and the City. This is a real life situation (we assume) and it involves a 15 month old child.

For what it’s worth, OP, I have a child a couple of months older than yours and I have ‘the ick’ about my husband - in the sense my attraction to him has waned, he irritates me a lot, and I’ve gone off sex. I had put it down to the absolute exhaustion of having a toddler and the stress of working FT amid the pandemic, etc. We’ve been together a long time and had ups and downs, so I think it’s just a down.

HitchFlix · 17/01/2021 09:07

Ah I know this feeling. I was in a ten year relationship with someone remarkably similar OP. The cryptic "friends in high places" nonsense and all! It was so off-putting and I too would wish he would just shut up as things could have been good if he wasn't such an embarrassment at times. I didn't have DC with him so it was easier to leave but I think in your shoes I would talk to him, tell him you don't like how he behaves when he's drunk. Try to go in gently with it as understandably people get defensive when told they're acting like an idiot! Plan what you want to say and pick a quiet time to have the discussion.

As for the sex thing. If it was good before it can be good again (assuming you get the first issue sorted). Your DD is still very young and you're balancing work and parenting and a pandemic. I've never been as sexually attracted to anyone as much as my husband but that all went out the window during the early years with my DC. It was just as you described struggling to get my head in the zone etc. I could have happily had no sex during that time. I simply didn't want it and would often recoil/feel the ick if he tried instigating. It passed once my youngest was about 2.5ish and less physically needy.

I would hold off on the wedding for a year or so and see if these feelings are likely to be a phase related to the exhaustion/hormones of early parenthood. If after trying to get things back on track you still feel the same, then at least you can leave knowing you've given it a good shot.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 17/01/2021 09:11

@WhatsMissed

True but those poor posters always feel powerless because they love him (sigh)

TheVanguardSix · 17/01/2021 09:14

He's a drunk. Of course, you have the ick. I wouldn't want that around my children. Don't give him the 'amazing dad' badge, OP. He's an embarrassing lush who needs to sort out his drinking immediately.

FoxgloveBee · 17/01/2021 09:15

"The ick" is a ridiculous concept made up recently to explain the feeling that all people in relationships go through when the other person inevitably does something to annoy us and has taken flight to become a valid break up reason.

All relationships (all of them, don't believe anyone who says they haven't had that feeling now and again) go through ups and downs. You can 100% get through this. If his drinking makes him overly chatty and it's driving others away (and not in your imagination), speak to him about it when you're both sober. You sound like you really care about him as you don't want him to be hurt.

I went off my partner when our daughter was born for about a year and a half. It felt like he always wanted intimacy and I had nothing left to give, I felt like I was wincing every time he touched me. I genuinely think it was that my daughter was attached to me 99% of the day and the other 1% I wanted to just sit by myself.

Please don't give up on someone you love without speaking to him - I don't like who I am when I drink so I don't drink anymore.

FoxgloveBee · 17/01/2021 09:20

@Yrmyfavourite

Think I wrote my post in a rush and I completely appreciate that the ‘ick’ isn’t the most logical or respectful way to refer to a 10 year relationship. Just feel like I am struggling with him right now. Today is my birthday and my sister is our childcare bubble and has taken my baby girl overnight for us. He was going to cook us a meal but instead we decided to have a couple of drinks and share a pizza to make the most of an extremely rare baby free night. He got drunk and started to tell me that he has friends in ‘high places’ who were willing to help out a family member who was having issues with someone they weren’t getting along with at work (a woman with a family). I don’t now if that is too vague but, I asked him if he thought he was some sort of gangster and after really cringing and trying to get some sense of him, explaining how awful he sounded, I eventually have come to bed feeling totally deflated and completely ‘put off’ by his behaviour. I guess that is what I mean by ‘the ick’ I just feel really off put by it and I hate it. He’s the most amazing dad to our little girl but he makes me cringe so much when he acts like this big alpha and I’m not sure how to react to it. He does it in front of friends and family quite often and I just wish I could gag him mid sentence at times.

The sex thing is fairly new but, we don’t get chance often. When it does come about, I find myself thinking of other things to get me ‘there’ and if I zone back in, I sometimes just have to stop as, I struggle to make it work. It’s never been an issue in the past as, we used to have a very healthy sex life

Just read this and it definitely sounds like his behaviour when drinking can be a problem in your relationship. My eye rolls would fill the room!

ShizeItsWeegie · 17/01/2021 09:24

This isn't just the ick though. This is chronic.

Postpone the wedding at least to give yourself soe breathing space and then, in your shoes I would gradually disentangle from him.

I don't believe you can get past the ick. Others might say it's juvenile etc. but this is your gut screaming at you to not to get further involved! The label matters not one jot. I bet 99% of the people in your life will ask you how you have stuck him this long once you dump him. There is little more unattractive than a beta trying to be an alpha. It's stuff that should have got sorted out in their early teens. Seeing a grown man become infantile in drink is not something that I could come back from, kids or no kids. You have the right to feel this way. Embrace it. Love that you have this sense. It is trying to save you from yourself. Once day when you are with a normal person, you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

TheOtherMaryBerry · 17/01/2021 09:25

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years and we have been through some seriously rough patches. Including ick patches. They have always passed. Eventually. Right now I fancy the hell out of him but like I said, we go through phases. If you love him and have a child together, try and get through it. If you can’t you can’t but I think you should try.

Thank you! Really needed to read this today. I've been having such awful worries about how damn irritated I am by my (almost always) lovely husband. I can rationalise it as down to lockdowns and 3 year old and a lack of space in a small flat but it's difficult to ignore the constant insistence on the internet that the 'ick' is irreversible. At the moment I can't really imagine fancying him again, but then I can't really imagine fancying anyone tbh. You've actually made me feel a lot better!

purpletrees16 · 17/01/2021 09:30

We’re biological creatures- 15 month child and your gut/body wants to wait for another one due to the massive amount of stress it is undergoing in this pandemic - body translates this as putting you off sex.

Is he wfh with you as well - spending 24 hrs a day with someone also reduces sexual attraction.

Give him DC so you get sometime alone - maybe go for your walk if you can.

JavaQ · 17/01/2021 09:35

seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes ...

Both of you must go to counselling now. It will help.
He might even stop drinking. If he doesnt....well then...time then to make decisions

CausingChaos2 · 17/01/2021 09:36

Even if he only drinks 1-2x a month his relationship with alcohol is still dysfunctional. What would he say if you asked him to stop drinking? If he gets defensive you have an even bigger problem on your hands.

What would happen if your daughter became unwell during one of his binge drinking episodes? He’d be in no fit state to help, leaving it all to you. Do you think that makes him an amazing dad?

SetRisk · 17/01/2021 09:52

How long have you been dating. Can you postpone the wedding? You can marry someone who you don't want to have sex with. That's massively unfair on you and on him.

MacDuffsMuff · 17/01/2021 09:53

FFS 'the ick'?

You say you love him, but this is clearly not the case if you are posting on the internet about him giving you 'the ick'.

If you've gone off him, deal with it but try and do it in an adult manner.

TennisBunny · 17/01/2021 09:54

Sounds like his relationship with alcohol is the issue here.
You need to have a sit down talk with him - if he truly is your best friend, you should be able to talk this through with him.

Carysmatthews · 17/01/2021 09:56

You say he’s always made you question your relationship and yet you had a baby with him. Why would you do that.

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2021 09:56

I feel completely uncomfortable when we have sex don't marry him!

PicsInRed · 17/01/2021 10:21

OP, is it possible that you matured apart, i.e. that you've grown up more than he has, and having a child has emphasised that to you in stark terms? His alpha antics whilst drunk aren't endearing (oh, how silly of him hee hee) but now actually serve to underline for you how much more immature than you he is now?

You say he's a great dad. If you suddenly had to go into hospital for a week, would he know what to do? Could he do it competently? Or is he more of a Disney Dad - loves the child but doesn't actively raise it?

What are your respective financial situations? Are you financially dependent on him? Who owns the home, if any? Are there savings, pensions, car? Do you work? Does he? Do you likely have an inheritance at some stage? You should be mindful that, if in England and Wales, this would go into the marital pot for division in the event of divorce and he would probably get half, fair or not.

You need to consider all of the above very carefully before you marry someone you're so unsure about.

snugglepuff · 17/01/2021 10:41

The ick comes and goes... life puts pressure on a relationship and there is no avoiding that.
If you love him, stick with it.

Cokie3 · 17/01/2021 10:43

@Bluesheep8

YABU to say 'gotten' if you're not American.

@Bluesheep8 As an Australian, I can tell you that gotten is original Old English, and is valid and proper. So you are wrong and unreasonable there.

PippinStar · 17/01/2021 10:50

@Bluesheep8 @Cokie3 “gotten” is also very commonly said in Ireland.

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