To have gotten ‘the ick’ after 10 years?

[Yrmyfavourite]

My fiancé has suddenly given me ‘the ick’. We have a gorgeous baby girl who is 15 months old and he’s always made me seriously question our relationship when he drinks because he becomes really cringey and overly chatty. I see people around us eye rolling and trying to escape when he speaks and I desperately try to save him because it genuinely hurts my heart to think of anyone finding him awkward. But, it’s got to the point where I feel completely uncomfortable when we have sex. It really does give me the ick when he is kissing me etc. How do I overcome this? We are due to get married this year? Without covid we would already be married. I love him but, I’m so scared I can’t get past this!

Another vote that the ‘ick’ is certainly not a done deal. I went through a phase of it after our third was born and it went away after my hormones calmed down.

Personally, I can understand how embarrassing behavior can make you feel that way. Nobody wants to be with someone who makes everyone else cringe, they want a partner they are proud of. I would speak with him about it, and I would not shy away from how it makes you feel. I would also recommend counseling to work through it, especially as it sounds like the other aspects of your relationship are good.

@Yrmyfavourite

Think I wrote my post in a rush and I completely appreciate that the ‘ick’ isn’t the most logical or respectful way to refer to a 10 year relationship. Just feel like I am struggling with him right now. Today is my birthday and my sister is our childcare bubble and has taken my baby girl overnight for us. He was going to cook us a meal but instead we decided to have a couple of drinks and share a pizza to make the most of an extremely rare baby free night. He got drunk and started to tell me that he has friends in ‘high places’ who were willing to help out a family member who was having issues with someone they weren’t getting along with at work (a woman with a family). I don’t now if that is too vague but, I asked him if he thought he was some sort of gangster and after really cringing and trying to get some sense of him, explaining how awful he sounded, I eventually have come to bed feeling totally deflated and completely ‘put off’ by his behaviour. I guess that is what I mean by ‘the ick’ I just feel really off put by it and I hate it. He’s the most amazing dad to our little girl but he makes me cringe so much when he acts like this big alpha and I’m not sure how to react to it. He does it in front of friends and family quite often and I just wish I could gag him mid sentence at times.

The sex thing is fairly new but, we don’t get chance often. When it does come about, I find myself thinking of other things to get me ‘there’ and if I zone back in, I sometimes just have to stop as, I struggle to make it work. It’s never been an issue in the past as, we used to have a very healthy sex life

He sounds like a complete twat saying about friend's in high places.

@ktp100

This whole 'ick' thing is so fucking juvenile.

Do you really think people who are married 60 odd years haven't been through periods like this?!

People give up on good relationships too quickly these days.

Loads of women go through a patch of not wanting sex after having a baby.

Lots of men are a bit dickish after they've had a few vinos.

Not the end of the world, is it!!!

This.

There are two issues with this, I'd say. It sounds like you are overly bothered about appearances and what other people think if coping with ill-chosen comments on a night out, when people are drunk, is a question of saving and rescuing your partner. It does come across that you're protecting your joint image and that these superficial considerations are important to you. If your friends have been drinking too, then surely they are embarrassing themselves. This is what drink can do.

Too much alcohol is bad for the health; it sets a negative example to your child. I would try to persuade him to change his lifestyle - do it together, for this reason. Say to him that being over-chatty isn't a good style. Don't make it more than it is: it's an indiscretion and social faux pas, but potentially nothing to counter-weigh being a brilliant dad.

The other strand is talking about people in high places: these 'friends'. It's surprising that you don't know who all his friends are already - after all these years?? If you are finding out worrying things about him which you didn't know before - as drink is loosening his tongue, then that is more worrying. Anything to do with crime, or a fantasist personality, is something to be concerned about.

Generally, all people can have cringe-making habits, but, if you love them, it's usual to speak nicely about it and laugh it off. Character is more important. Being cool and socially adept is nothing in relation to the bigger challenges of life to do with physical and mental health - challenges, you, he and the baby may at some time face. Having a loyal, honourable partnership as support through any future troubles is very valuable. It's not always easy to be a single parent But the 'friends in high places' conversation suggests you need to be sure that there isn't danger there from something a lot more worrying than getting a bit verbose.

Very few of us are going to end up with a man/woman that has all good qualities and no bad ones. I’m pretty sure my dh could list my bad qualities.
The question is are you reasonably confident that your fiancé is the person you want to be with for middle age and old age?
All relationships go through barren times but also you don’t have to settle.

I know this sounds mad but are you bf? Or perhaps stopped relatively recently (in the last 6m?)

I was always completely off sex etc when bf. It's like my body was saying "nope you're still growing the last baby, I don't want you making another just yet". It passes in time.

agree with PP you sort of have to try and work on things/give it a little time when you have a young child.

It sounds like the behaviour is mostly when he's had a few to drink.... I would also say that drunk people are notoriously annoying as fuck, especially if you are sober. DH comes over all philosophical in a bloody stupid way when he's drunk, I can't stand it! Over the years I've told him this a lot when both sober and he does now try and hold it in a bit

I the % of men who are a douche when drunk has gotta be 90+

I find hormones have a lot to do with feeling this way. And i agree with pps that in any long term relationship you go through it, many times! I'd probably hold out for a while, see if it eases and if not then it's more to do with your actual relationship.

The biggest issue here is that you aren’t talking to him about it. Tell him not to brag as it’s embarrassing, or take the piss (in a nice ish way). My OH exaggerates about small stuff and I pull him up on it, he doesn’t it less now. It’s also bad for the kids as it’s lying and can’t make them scared unnecessarily, eg spider the size of his hand rather than a 50p coin.

The drinking is possibly concerning depending on quantity and frequency. Getting drunk isn’t really spending quality time together and not advisable if you want decent sex (in my experience).

I agree with PPs, the ick isn’t the same in a long relationship. These things come and go within a marriage, whether it’s a physical aversion or behaviour. The relationship gets stronger because you get through bad patches. There’s no perfect man waiting out there. They are all annoying or icky at times. If he’s mostly good it is worth the effort to tackle the annoying behaviour and see if you can it back on track.

Once the ick sets in it’s the beginning of the end. Next comes resentment.
You need to prepare yourself financially, practically etc for being a single parent.

On the one hand, the ick might only be temporary, and feeling touched out etc, will make it worse, on the other hand it might not go away... You could try to talk to him and give him a chance to sort himself out? Something like "your behaviour when you're drunk, is now making me see you generally, as a person, in a totally different light".

Don't marry someone who gives you the ick!

I'm a bit confused, are you saying he has a drinking problem, or you are no longer interested in sexually? Because there are 2 entirely different issues here unless the not being into him sexually is about him drinking, which would suggest he is an alcoholic?

what's the 'ick'?

Finding your partner disgusting.
Not wanting them to touch you, have sex with you. Generally wishing they would go away.

Oh I would completely understand getting the ick at this. So many memories of being talked at by drunk men at bad parties. Shudder. And they completely lack self-awareness about how twatty they sound so I'd have no idea how to get them to stop. I mean, obviously it's rooted in deep-seated insecurity but they don't tend to be the sort of men who are happy to see a therapist to fix that.

OP you had a decade of this without getting the ick though - before, when it was just a minor annoyance you could live with, what balanced it out and stopped you getting the ick? What were his attractive qualities and do they still exist? The only positive you've said about him is that he's a good dad - which is great but it's not why you were attracted to him in the first place, is it?

I don't think you should be marrying someone you feel like this about. It may well be that you've simply fallen out of love and that's magnified his most irritating trait.

Have you actually talked to him about his behaviour?

My husband is embarrassing (imo) when drunk. Talks non stop, goes on for hours, impossible to have an actual conversation because he won't stfu! 😁

I decided I can't be arsed dealing with that so I told him he's a twat when drunk and he should go to a pub to drink instead of inflicting it on me. If he wants a drink at home, I have an early night.

Now I'm not saying that's the right choice for everyone, or the only way to deal with it. I'm just putting it forward as an option. It works for us that's all I can say.

Obviously at the moment pubs are out of the question but when things are back to normal, it may be something you want to try. Drinking alcohol isn't an essential bonding activity. It's perfectly possible to opt out of that bit and still be perfectly happy together.

He’s completely different when he’s sober and is my best friend the rest of the time. As I say the sex thing is new and that’s why I jumped on here as, unsure how to tackle it.

He got very very drunk over Christmas and was incredibly hungover the next day - to the point he physically couldn’t get out of bed and says he was hallucinating? He said he was really ashamed of himself and wouldn’t be drinking for a long time because he knew he was out of order. This is the first time since and we wanted to share a bottle of wine and spend some time together chatting etc as, we’ve been working so hard and parenting that we’ve not really had any time for each other. This is something we used to be able to do but, after a certain amount of drinks he turns into this aforementioned ‘cringey drunk’ and he often doesn’t know when he’s had enough (e.g last night he started drinking JD after the wine was finished)

Those saying why have a baby with someone etc etc - I would never bring a baby into an unstable relationship. He doesn’t have a drinking problem as, he only drinks 1-2x per month and the rest of the time he’s great. I’ve told him quite openly on lots of occasions how it is when he drinks but, that doesn’t change this drunk persona in any way.

He’s not a bad person and I still love him, just looking for a bit of advice if anyone has ever been in the same situation.

I mean it's been 10 years...you're bound to have ups and downs, unless this is a permanent shift in how you feel/how you see him.

After my DC was born and I was back to working full time, DP (at the time) was really hurt that I didn't want to be touched and wasn't feeling sexual at all - I just didn't want it, I felt like my body wasn't mine anyway due to bf'ing and I was exhausted from work and dealing with a horrible manager, and just wanted to collapse at home and not be touched.

That phase did pass though. But at the time I definitely had the ick with him.

"Best friend", "not a bad person"... my, the sparks are just flying from your descriptions of him OP!

Many couples fizzle out despite still having respect for each other and enjoying each other's company - that wouldn't be unusual. It's leaping out to me that you don't have much to say about any of his wildly attractive qualities.

I think the drunken behaviour is a symptom, not the primary reason. Either as PP have suggested it's a hormonal/physical thing for you as a new mother - do you have much/any sexual desire generally at the moment? If you're all touched out it might not be because of him.

Or the chemistry you once felt with him has gone - this can happen even while rationally knowing his good points and still enjoying his company as a friend - and something you used to be able to overlook (because it was balanced out by qualities that drew you to him anyway) is now something you can't stand.

Getting deeper into the ickology - I think, for the PPs who reckon they had this and got past it, I would say that is not 'the ick'.

It is a kind of juvenile term but the phenomenon is very real, and once you have it, that's it. No going back. It's a lot more than not wanting to be touched, not wanting sex or suddenly realising a certain behaviour of theirs is cringey - it's a visceral repulsion to everything they are. Their smell, the sound of their voice, the nice things they do for you - all of it becomes intolerably awful.

I appreciate how difficult this must be for you. Years ago my sister was like your partner, she would always drink too much at family events and then talk and talk and talk at length about things that were complete exaggerations. I used to cringed at her and look at my brother-in-law and wonder how he was attracted to her and feel sorry for him. Several years on however this has completely stopped and she is not like this anymore, i think it was just a phase perhaps she was dealing with some insecurities or adjustments in her life. So it can improve.

You are in a good position to control the narrative of your future right now. It's harder to end a relationship when you're married or if another baby comes along. If you've gone off your partner / are not physically attracted to him anymore you shouldn't get married. I did, because my husband was such a good person and I thought that'd be enough but it isn't. Eventually you start to want someone you really fancy and your partner starts to realise your not that into it affecting their self esteem. It is certainly tricky! Good luck.

Sound similar to what my dp used to be like. He thought of himself as the ‘life and soul of the party’ type. In reality, he was cringey and embarrassing. He’s a big guy and he would sway about and slur his words like an oaf. I could see other people found him annoying but he wouldn’t hear of it and thought I was just moaning at him. Completely different when he’s sober. He’s usually quiet and mild mannered. I ended up having a serious chat with him because I was actually going to leave him over it. It also completely put me off having sex with him. He only drank at parties or weddings, never at home, but it was getting to the point that I was dreading any event because he always had to be the most drunk in the room. His dad is exactly the same way. They don’t understand limits at all during come from a culture where drinking to excess is the norm.

I think it really hit him when I filmed him at my bday party, absolutely sloshed. When he saw it back, and the look on other people’s faces, it really hit home for him and he’s completely changed. He still drinks occasionally, but has scaled it back and won’t get pissed to the point he’s out of control. The last time we had a drink was Xmas day and we shared a bottle of fizz between us and he left it at that. It’s massively improved our sex life and our relationship in general

You’ve got a toddler that wants to be on you and carried and in your face. It’s lockdown, we cant socialise the same, work isn’t the same, holidays aren’t the same and so we are all a bit cooped up and on top of each other.

I’d talk to him about the drinking but I’d guess it will pass

The “ick” was intended to describe going off someone you were casually dating. It isn’t really applicable to longer term relationships. Of course you will sometimes go off sex, or feel frustrated or embarrassed or irritated with a partner, and if those feelings are really overwhelming then exploring that might be good.

It is a bit concerning how quickly people will baldly state that ‘oh ... you have the ick, that is IT.’

The ‘ick’ is one person’s take on going off sex, it isn’t a diagnosed medical condition with the only cure breaking up. I think the children of these relationships deserve better than that, to be honest.