AIBU to be getting pissed off with DW?

[NiceRedWine]

Aware this could get a bit off backlash but anyway...

AIBU to be getting pissed of at the amount of online shopping and unnecessary items my DW is buying, considering we’re meant to be saving and purchasing a house in the next couple month?

Backstory: We are both living with my parents whilst our house purchase goes through, hopefully by March. I work full time from home, as such do 75% of all chores and childcare, in addition to homeschooling. DW works part time in a cafe, remaining time is spent on social media and online shopping. Recently during a deep clean and sort out it was discovered that a large percentage of her wardrobe still had the tags on, never worn, and yet if the online shopping is questioned am told it’s all things that are ‘needed’.

In addition, although both our names will be on the mortgage, I am funding the entire deposit, and will ultimately be paying the mortgage as my salary enables this.

YABU - It none of my business what she buys, leave her to it.

YANBU - Allowed to be pissed off, all seems a little one sided.

Is she paying for it? Is it coming out of freely disposable income or is this money you need?

I work full time from home, as such do 75% of all chores and childcare, in addition to homeschooling. DW works part time in a cafe, remaining time is spent on social media and online shopping.... In addition, although both our names will be on the mortgage, I am funding the entire deposit, and will ultimately be paying the mortgage as my salary enables this

I think that on line shopping is not your only problem. Have things always been like this? Have you really thought this house purchase through?

We are very stretched to be able to save enough to cover all purchase costs by March, I don’t really see any of our income as disposable at the moment.

In that case, then yes she is being unreasonable. I'm on a low income and only bought some clothes recently after 6 months of not buying anything - the £30 was a lot to me.

Can you speak to her about it? Does she know this is an issue?

She will ruin you financially. Don't buy a house with her.

When married with children I see earnings as family money with all the bills being paid and equal spending money for fun or frivolous purchases so if her purchases are frivolous and from her spending money then that is her choice. If she is using family money to buy clothes then there is nothing wrong with that unless it’s ridiculous amounts or it is at the expense of family necessities, I would buy boots I needed from family money, if I want five pairs I would use my own money, ultimately you seem to have different attitudes to money which never ends well in my experience.
If you are not sharing the load fairly when it comes to the children that is a separate issue you need to address.

Why do you do all the house stuff if she only works part time?
Why won't she be contributing to the mortgage if her name is on the deeds?

Are the children yours, hers or joint?

This sounds like a terrible situation and I'd be getting a divorce not a mortgage if she didn't stop being so bloody selfish.

Oh and I’m a saver who made the mistake of marrying a spender, it was the source of endless frustration and the financial hit I took over the course of that marriage took a few years to build back up after divorce. If I’d known the extent of our differences is that respect I would not have gotten married and bought a house with him.

Doesn't sound as if you two have the same attitude towards what counts as disposable income, and how important savings are. You need to have a serious conversation about it. You already sound resentful.

@covidaintacrime it’s been raised before, but everything is ‘needed’

Hmm. Does she have an addictive personality, is she like this with other aspects of her life?

I would (if you can) halt on the house buying until she either decides to stop shopping, gets help for compulsive behaviour or you get divorced. Sorry mate. x

I feel there are much bigger red flags here than the online shopping.
In all honesty I would seriously think about reconsidering the house purchase right now - it really doesn't sound as if you are on the same page at all.
Re childcare and WFH, I have 3 DCs and WFH, they are all school age. In the first lockdown DP was unemployed and did all of the homeschooling and childcare, but now he is working and we do it between us.
You have much bigger issues than online shopping.

wouldn't be buying a house with that's for sure, why are clothles needed if the tags are still on them ? what is she buying that is 'needed' ?

@honeylulu, kids are hers from a previous relationship. I have no issues surrounding the kids at all, with homeschooling falling as my responsibility as I have far more patience in that department.
With the mortgage it’s more as I’m able to afford to cover it, as she is a low earner splitting the mortgage wouldn’t allow her any spare income, which didn’t see as fair.

She sounds like a shopoholic. Does she have access to your wages? What about credit cards? Compulsive shopping can turn your life into a nightmare.

i can't see this marriage running in the long term, don't let yourself get into a financial hole that you later have to get out of.

[quote NiceRedWine]@covidaintacrime it’s been raised before, but everything is ‘needed’[/quote]
She is saying it is needed because you seem to be suggesting that only necessary items should be purchased. I don’t think something has to be needed before you are allowed to buy it, I would say I don’t need the majority of things I purchase.

I would be unhappy if my spouse only wanted me to buy necessary items. But you obviously need to live within your means and it sounds like she is not and that is the issue. Can you not discuss budgets / allowances, target savings etc.

Dont buy the house until this is sorted. Do you know how much she is spending? Does she? I think finances should be shared when kids are involved but it only really works if you both have similar attitudes to money. I'd speak to her, sit down and go through the budget together and work out a reasonable sum for her to spend on whatever she wants a month. Everything else goes into joint / savings account and then spending money goes into your own accounts and when it's gone it's gone and then anything in addition has to be agreed between both of you. Would this work? If not then don't go ahead with the house or see if you can legally ring fence it. Something isnt 'essential' if its still in the bottom of the wardrobe a few months on (assuming it's not seasonal like a vest t shirt that she is waiting for the summer and it's not stuff bought in sales for the kids when they are older, in which case she might just be a savvy shopper)

It sounds like you are on very different pages when it comes to money and this can be a huge red flag for relationships. You need to really think long and hard about whether buying a house together is a good idea

Definitely nbu!!
If there is still things in the wardrobe with tags on, nothing is essential as long as you are full and clothed!

I think finances should be shared when kids are involved - when they are shared children maybe???

LTW

Incidentally I'm a single widowed parent and desperately need a new carpet, however its not essential until finances allow....

It depends where the money is coming from.

If its from her allocated fun money then its fine.
If its from the family pot not so fine.

This sounds like a terrible deal. You work full time, home school her kids, do 75% of housework, will pay most of the mortgage and she sits on her lazy arse buying crap.

Get out now. Life's too short.

She is taking the piss here. You're a meal ticket potentially. Don't buy the house.