Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be getting pissed off with DW?

97 replies

NiceRedWine · 16/01/2021 18:31

Aware this could get a bit off backlash but anyway...

AIBU to be getting pissed of at the amount of online shopping and unnecessary items my DW is buying, considering we’re meant to be saving and purchasing a house in the next couple month?

Backstory: We are both living with my parents whilst our house purchase goes through, hopefully by March. I work full time from home, as such do 75% of all chores and childcare, in addition to homeschooling. DW works part time in a cafe, remaining time is spent on social media and online shopping. Recently during a deep clean and sort out it was discovered that a large percentage of her wardrobe still had the tags on, never worn, and yet if the online shopping is questioned am told it’s all things that are ‘needed’.

In addition, although both our names will be on the mortgage, I am funding the entire deposit, and will ultimately be paying the mortgage as my salary enables this.

YABU - It none of my business what she buys, leave her to it.

YANBU - Allowed to be pissed off, all seems a little one sided.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 16/01/2021 19:51

Agree she will ruin you financially. I wouldn't be buying a house with her if she spends money like this. It will not end well.

And she's got you for a mug. Why are you working full time, doing 75% of all the chores and home schooling her children?

DenisetheMenace · 16/01/2021 19:53

If that’s all accurate, she is out of order and you need to talk.

AdaColeman · 16/01/2021 19:54

You don't share the same attitude to money/finance/ budgeting as your wife, this could lead you into a great deal of unhappiness and misery, even ultimately, financial loss and hardship.

How is she financing her out of control on line shopping habit? Is she in debt? Has she taken out any loans, credit cards etc? I'd want answers to these and other questions before I committed myself to a house purchase with her.

How long have you been married? TBH it looks as though she saw you coming, someone to provide an easy life for her and her kids. What do you get out of the relationship? Apart from looking after her kids of course!

MiriamMargo · 16/01/2021 19:56

WOW she has a catch in you, be careful as you are going to end up as her doormat !!

Wroxie · 16/01/2021 19:59

Why are you buying a house with someone you obviously don't like very much? I wouldn't even share a table on a train with someone I disliked as much as you seem to dislike her, much a house and a mortgage for 30+ years.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 16/01/2021 20:05

She really landed on her feet when she met you didn't she! Out of curiosity, where was she living before you married and all moved in together? Do you know why her previous relationship ended....?

Cyberattack · 16/01/2021 20:08

Maybe if she is stuck living with parents-in-law in lockdown the online shopping is her way of coping. Perhaps the clothes/shopping are "needed" as her coping mechanism? Are you being denied food or utilities because she's buying these things?

1Morewineplease · 16/01/2021 20:10

Please don't buy a house with her. She is using you badly and knows that you'll keep propping her and her children up because you love her.
As to homeschooling her children while you work full time from home.. surely you must see that this is utter nonsense.

The longer this goes on, your current misgivings will turn into regret , resentment then anger.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone with the same goals as you and who will put in the same spadework as you.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 16/01/2021 20:18

Are you in the UK? She would be furloughed if she works in a cafe if so, so how can she have so little free time? Even if she's working, it's part time.

This sounds worrying. Think carefully before buying the house. I can't see what she's contributing.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/01/2021 20:23

It sounds like she has a shopping addiction. You really need to sort this out before you buy a house together.

HowManyToes · 16/01/2021 20:26

[quote NiceRedWine]@honeylulu, kids are hers from a previous relationship. I have no issues surrounding the kids at all, with homeschooling falling as my responsibility as I have far more patience in that department.
With the mortgage it’s more as I’m able to afford to cover it, as she is a low earner splitting the mortgage wouldn’t allow her any spare income, which didn’t see as fair.[/quote]
She is taking you for an absolute mug.

CoronaIsWatching · 16/01/2021 20:27

Don't know why people get married and put themselves through all this stress

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/01/2021 20:29

Put a stop on the house until this is sorted. Properly sorted.

Recklessness, addiction, coping mechanism , whatever it needs talking about in a non confrontational but honest way. If she needs help,she needs to go to the GP and ask for it. Show you she's taking steps to get better and controlling her impulses before you even think about buying the house. Does she have the ability to get a better job/go full time/earn more?

If there's no willingness to change then she should become your ex wife.

MrsExpo · 16/01/2021 20:29

So, you’re living with your parents, providing most of the family money and looking after her kids while she chucks her money away on rubbish. .....

Hmmm .... what exactly are you getting pi5 of this arrangement?

Seriously OP .... do not buy a property with this woman. She’s taking you for a ride.

MrsExpo · 16/01/2021 20:30

** getting out of this arrangement .....

Iheartsheep · 16/01/2021 20:30

She has seen you coming op

DillyDilly · 16/01/2021 20:30

Heed the advice here, pull out of the house purchase whether it’s in your sole name or joint.

Lucieintheskye · 16/01/2021 20:31

Would it make more sense for you both to have a joint account with any additional income to go into, then it can be split- half into savings and half into disposable? that way she can have her 'spending money' whilst having a limit?

You need to get this ironed out and have a serious talk with her, it won't work if she's frivolous when she needs to be cautious. Especially as it seems you're doing more to get that money.

Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 20:31

Of course it's not on. She sounds selfish and immature. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with such a loser.

carly2803 · 16/01/2021 20:31

honestly unlessyou put your house in your name only and dont marry her - crack on

but dont marry her, or even buy a house with her - if this was the other way round i would advise a woman to run far

OhCaptain · 16/01/2021 20:32

Has OP done a bunk?

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 20:33

This sounds like a terrible deal. You work full time, home school her kids, do 75% of housework, will pay most of the mortgage and she sits on her lazy arse buying crap. Get out now. Life's too short

This!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2021 20:34

@OhCaptain

Has OP done a bunk?
A depressing number of threads like this are either made up to 'show' 'misandry' or by the husbands of women on here as a gotcha to them how unreasonable they are "look women hate you too" (without showing the shitty behaviour on the other side).

I have become very cynical...

OhCaptain · 16/01/2021 20:35

That’s what I’m wondering about @MrsTerryPratchett. Hmm

SpilltheTea · 16/01/2021 20:36

I wouldn't be buying a house with her, that's for sure. She sounds like a lazy female version of a cocklodger. She's taking the piss.