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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To this is actually a bit selfish?

89 replies

Feltywelty · 29/01/2020 08:30

NC. I know someone with a DD same age as mine (3), single mum, only child, alone with her daughter all day, She's entitled to the free child care but she refuses to put her in nursery even for a day a week because she can't bear to be away from her.

Aibu in thinking this is actually pretty selfish? Not wanting to send her kid because SHE doesn't want to be away from her? Her kid doesn't get any kind of socialization with other kids, she literally sits at home with her and doesn't like going out. I'm not keen on being away from DD (she does 2 days) but I send her because I know that being away from me and socialising with other kids from an early age is important for her social development and will likely make her more comfortable when she comes to starting school.

Idk when she told me (I don't see her often because shes become a total zombie and all she talks about is how great DD is doing) I just felt a bit iffy because shes clearly avoiding seding her because of HER need to be with dd all the time.

OP posts:

Ohnoherewego62 · 29/01/2020 08:34

I think you're being very judgemental.

She is a single parent with what support?

She is allowed to be attached to her child whether you like it or not.

It's not affecting you or your child. Leave her alone.

Besidesthepoint · 29/01/2020 08:36

It used to be pretty normal for kids to stay at home till school age. It doesn't hurt them. Your parents and grandparents generation did this and socialized pretty well, didn't they?

Berrymuch · 29/01/2020 08:37

I agree, as contraversial as that may be. What does a 3 year old get out of staying home and doing nothing?

Nikhedonia · 29/01/2020 08:38

where are these parents?! I don't know anyone who doesn't want a bit of 'me time' away from their DC!

DillBaby · 29/01/2020 08:40

I don’t use child care. I’m very distrustful of others and their standard of care. I’ve seen the injuries my nephew has got at nursery - they can’t possibly supervise them properly with such high adult to child ratios. He’s been bitten and hit and fallen off tables he shouldn’t have been on. Noses don’t get wiped, he has come home with snot running into his mouth. And quite frankly there have been paedophile nursery workers in the news before, you just never know. If children needed nursery at that age it would be compulsory. But it isn’t.

mynameiscalypso · 29/01/2020 08:41

I was reading a book the other day which said that people over estimate the importance of socialisation for under 3s and actually what they need more is a regular and consistent care giver. Ironically I started reading it the day before I viewed a nursery for my DS! I'm not sure I totally but the argument that it was making but I would never judge the choice another parent makes.

Elbeagle · 29/01/2020 08:41

I actually agree as well. Fair enough if the parent is taking her to groups/parks etc to socialise, but if they are just sitting at home day in day out then shes likely to struggle at school.
Yes it used to be normal for children to be with their mother until school but 1) they would probably have had siblings/cousins/neighbours etc to play with and 2) free hours for pre school children was introduced because the outcomes for children who have attended an early years setting is better than for those who haven’t.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/01/2020 08:43

May not be a popular view but I agree. I can’t see how being shut in the house all day is helping stimulate a child’s imagination or social skills.

Mintjulia · 29/01/2020 08:44

She has 4-5 years with her dd full time. If she loves being a mum, that is her choice. Lucky her for being able to do it. The little girl will be in reception class soon enough.

Elbeagle · 29/01/2020 08:44

I was reading a book the other day which said that people over estimate the importance of socialisation for under 3s and actually what they need more is a regular and consistent care giver

That is true. But this child is 3, and as I mentioned above, free hours for over 3’s was introduced because outcomes are better overall for children if they do attend early years education.
Of course that’s not the case for every child, but in this case the child is at home with her mother every single day.

Berrymuch · 29/01/2020 08:44

@mynameiscalypso the people who funded the study are keen for women to revert to homemakers. Research normally has an agenda, and you can manipulate most data. Not saying it's not accurate, but it's important to understand the motives.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/01/2020 08:48

Berrymuch this is very true. One of the reasons I don’t trust any data about the impact of various styles of child-rearing. Very little of it is large scale enough to be statistically sound and it always has a social agenda.

mynameiscalypso · 29/01/2020 08:49

Oh absolutely @Berrymuch, I totally agree with you. You can find research to support or make whatever argument you want. Like I said, I didn't really agree with it (and stopped reading the book because it was making me feel guilty about the fact I will be sending DS to nursery!) but it was an interesting perspective and did at least make me feel less guilty about stopping going to one of the most tedious of the baby groups I go to!

HoneysuckIejasmine · 29/01/2020 08:49

DD stayed at home until she got the funded hours after 3. DS started one morning a week when he turned 2. He'd happily go every day (he doesn't because we can't afford it, I'm a SAHM), whereas DD was definitely not ready at that point. However, they go to a small preschool (between 10-20 kids depending on day and 4 staff) that has a stay and play once a week so I could introduce them slowly.

MatildaTheCat · 29/01/2020 08:50

It completely depends on what they do together instead of nursery. If they do plenty of stimulating activities- even going to the park or playground, getting out and about and generally building knowledge and confidence then that’s fine.

If they sit at home with the tv on all day and the child has no socialisation, no opportunity to do new things, well I agree, that’s not great.

When children go into reception class there is an expectation that they can do certain things which nursery does prepare them for. Other activities also can but the question is, does the mother do this or not?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/01/2020 08:52

I agree OP it’s selfish and short sighted - the child will eventually have to go to school and she’s making that transition harder for her and her LO

Original poster

Feltywelty · 29/01/2020 08:53

@MatildaTheCat
She barely leaves the house to go shopping. She doesn't like going out anywhere since she had her. I do think theres more going on because shes convinced if she takes DD out shes gonna get ill. I do think she needs help but I know her and shes always prioritised her needs over everything else.

OP posts:

ForInstance · 29/01/2020 08:55

MrsToothyBitch · 29/01/2020 08:55

I was an only. I socialised with family friends kids etc but I hated all the nursery schools I went to, would have done anything to stay home instead. I would've found starting school a lot harder if I hadn't gone though, I think.

SarahAndQuack · 29/01/2020 09:07

I would be much more worried about her than her DD, if she's a 'zombie' and doesn't go out and socialise. Is she ok? She might still have PND (if it's not treated it can really get hold of you).

Cynderella · 29/01/2020 09:08

It's personal choice.

Nobody else's concern. She'll have plenty of chances to socialise at school. Parents' choice whether to start that earlier. Plenty of other things that three year olds need other than socialisation, and she may be getting them all. Even if you gave a child a perfect childhood, someone would come along next week and tell you that you got it all wrong.

Winterwoollies · 29/01/2020 09:08

I knew someone who’s baby got bronchiolitis after getting a cold. Her partner told her it was because she took their baby out and was her fault. She’s now petrified to leave the house in case her baby gets sick again and it’s her ‘fault’. I think it can become a phobia.

cologne4711 · 29/01/2020 09:09

She has 4-5 years with her dd full time. If she loves being a mum, that is her choice. Lucky her for being able to do it. The little girl will be in reception class soon enough

Maybe. Or maybe if she can't bear to be away from her she'll home educate. And maybe that "home education" won't be up to much. Some kids thrive with HE, others don't learn very much at all.

VideographybyLouBloom · 29/01/2020 09:10

@DillBaby what would people with your mistrust of others and issues around childcare do if you were forced to get a job? What would you do about childcare if you had no husband supporting you to be a SAHP? No benefits to fall back on? No parents to take care of your child? Not all nurseries are bad you know.

misspiggy19 · 29/01/2020 09:11

YANBU

I agree OP it’s selfish and short sighted - the child will eventually have to go to school and she’s making that transition harder for her and her LO

^Thiw

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