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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To this is actually a bit selfish?

89 replies

Feltywelty · 29/01/2020 08:30

NC. I know someone with a DD same age as mine (3), single mum, only child, alone with her daughter all day, She's entitled to the free child care but she refuses to put her in nursery even for a day a week because she can't bear to be away from her.

Aibu in thinking this is actually pretty selfish? Not wanting to send her kid because SHE doesn't want to be away from her? Her kid doesn't get any kind of socialization with other kids, she literally sits at home with her and doesn't like going out. I'm not keen on being away from DD (she does 2 days) but I send her because I know that being away from me and socialising with other kids from an early age is important for her social development and will likely make her more comfortable when she comes to starting school.

Idk when she told me (I don't see her often because shes become a total zombie and all she talks about is how great DD is doing) I just felt a bit iffy because shes clearly avoiding seding her because of HER need to be with dd all the time.

OP posts:

PrincessPain · 29/01/2020 09:12

I have a 9mo and a 2 year old and they are both with me at all times.
I am a stay at home mom and have some anxiety issues so I would prefer them to be at home with me.
Eldest DS is august born and will be in school sooner than I'd like, so for now they both stay with me, play together and bond. We have family visit regularly including a cousin who is also 2, I also try to go to a playgroup, soft play, activity at least once a week.
I don't care if anyone judges me as it's what works for us as a family.

It just seems to be another thing used to tear other women down

DrManhattan · 29/01/2020 09:14

It's her party

flirtygirl · 29/01/2020 09:15

Kids do not need to go to childcare to be socialised. You are being so judgemental and it clearly sounds like this particular mum needs help, if your second post is true and accurate.

Lots of kids get stressed going to nursery and playgroup. It's not a one size fits all situation.

Generations of kids stayed close to their family for years and it never impacted their socialisation skills. And I'm not talking the recent generations but the last few thousand years worth.

I forced my daughter to go 1 day per week at 3 and she hated it, so much so that she didn't want to go school and was not ready to go school. Hence she never did.

I wish now I had just kept her with me or at groups where I was also there and maybe she would have wanted to go to school at 5. This is not actually unusual as most home ed kids I know hated even play group and nursery situations. Forced socialisation and forced age grouping of kids is not as beneficial to them as it is to us.

Nursery is a norm now due to work commitments. It's not about the welfare of the child in all cases.

nocluewhattodoo · 29/01/2020 09:17

My DD is 3 and doesn't go to nursery, even with the 'free' hours the top ups make it unaffordable for us. She has thrived with one to one attention from her dad and I, her speech is leaps and bounds ahead of other children her age that we meet, she is confident and chatty with everyone as a result of being the only child in a large extended family. Never struggles to make friends at the park and interacts well with friends children of various ages.

But we do spend quite a lot of time at home during the week, I don't know why that is judged when many nursery activities will be indoors - we do baking, painting, drawing, sculpting with clay, other craft activities, play scales on the piano, she helps with laundry, helps me cook lunch and dinner, look after our house plants and watch films and play with her small world toys together. She is very good at independent play and will happily amuse herself while I get on with chores she can't help with safely. I am confident she wouldn't do better in a childcare setting. How do you know this mum isn't providing loads of activities for her DD at home?

Littlemeadow123 · 29/01/2020 09:17

It really doesn't matter if she sends her daughter to nursery or not. It is not the be all and end all.

But the fact that she isn't leaving the house, not taking her to mother and toddler groups, local activities, days out at child friendly places etc is worrying. What is she going to do when her daughter has to start school?

CakeandCustard28 · 29/01/2020 09:17

Maybe she actually enjoys having her DD home with her? Maybe she thinks she doesn’t need nursery as she’s home all day?
Kids don’t have to go to nursery just because it’s the “normal thing to do”. Everyone parents differently. It does sound like the mum may have MH problems though, maybe reach out and speak to her instead of posting a judgemental post on MN?

Quartz2208 · 29/01/2020 09:18

I have to say its sounds worrying for her. That level of anxiety is not normal and its not what parenting should be about. You cant protect them and keep them safe letting them out and figuring out the skills from the start about keeping themselves safe is important

offer help and support

PrinkingPreening · 29/01/2020 09:23

It's not whether or not the DD goes to nursery or not that would be worrying me here. It's the mental health of the mother.

You say she sits at home all day and is like a zombie. Doesn't sound good.

Helping the mum would probably be the best way of helping the DD.

Divebar · 29/01/2020 09:24

The idea that parents always know what’s right for their children is a complete myth.

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2020 09:26

I think that it's none of your business. As long as the child is well cared for.

1forsorrow · 29/01/2020 09:27

Most childcare settings are safe but there have been cases of children being sexually abused in nurseries. If you don't need to leave your child in one why would you? If you work your child has to be cared for, if you aren't working why do you need to leave them.

When I was a child it was the normal thing for children to be at home with mum till they were 5, we all seemed to survive and do OK. When my eldest was born it was in the early days of the playgroup movement so your 3 year old might go to playgroup 2 mornings a week for 2 or 3 hours and you would take your turn being one of the helpers. Places were scarce but if you didn't get one children still seemed to do OK.

JKScot4 · 29/01/2020 09:29

If the mum has said she’s not leaving the house to prevent illness then that’s worrying, is she a good enough friend that you could offer some advice and support to? I think she needs to get help as that’s not a healthy way to think.

WaterSheep · 29/01/2020 09:29

The idea that parents always know what’s right for their children is a complete myth.

Agreed, and worth repeating.

DowntonCrabby · 29/01/2020 09:30

It’s probably a bit of a fine line.
That individual case is really none of your business but I feel children need something before starting school.
Back in my day that was a couple of mornings of playgroup a week, that was it.
My own DC both only had a year of school-based nursery before starting school and it did benefit them.

IntermittentParps · 29/01/2020 09:31

YANBU. It sounds a bit unhealthy. The mother will have to be away from the child at some point or it will all go very Grey Gardens. Children need to be socialised.

OlaEliza · 29/01/2020 09:32

Ohnoherewego62

I think you're being very judgemental.

She is a single parent with what support?

She is allowed to be attached to her child whether you like it or not

Despite the damage it will do the child? It's not a healthy attitude.

stophuggingme · 29/01/2020 09:32

Perhaps she can’t afford to pay for the food?There could be all sorts of reasons, I would suggest instead of writing about her on here you try and be a friend and see if there is anything you can do. If you are invested in it as you seem to be, that is

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 29/01/2020 09:34

I think it’s fine not to send them to nursery / preschool, but children do need to do something. Go out with the parent etc.

If your friend doesn’t like to go anywhere this looks like a bigger issue.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2020 09:39

So the root of the problem is this mother won't let her child socialise because she's convinced it'll make her ill?

Yet your thread isn't about the woman's anxiety, it's about how 'selfish' she is?

I'm glad at least you didn't describe her as a 'friend'.

Strategicchoring · 29/01/2020 09:40

Without wishing to sound rude, it is your prerogative to think what you like, as long as you don't say anything to her about your views, as it is really none of your business.

There are any number of scenarios going on here.

She feels that her dd will do better at home alone with her and she may well be right! It depends on the individual child, the quality of the care received in the nursery, and the care the child is receiving at home.

If on the other hand she is staying at home because she is suffering from anxiety , then obviously she needs to try and get that sorted so that she doesn't pass it down to her dd and it doesn't adversely affect the child.

Neither of the above scenarios make me think she is being "selfish" though.

Fwiw, I had no option but to be at home (expat) and I opted for my child to go to nursery two mornings a week after the age of 2.5 yrs which gradually rose to 3 mornings a week, because I felt she was ready for a bit of outside stimulation and it gave me a break and a bit more structure (and because it was important she starting to learn the language of the country we are living in).

I wouldn't have wanted her to be in full time nursery though at that age as I felt it would have been too long a day for her. Each to their own (if they are lucky enough to have a choice about it which not everyone does).

Roozy123 · 29/01/2020 09:41

I just felt a bit iffy because shes clearly avoiding seding her because of HER need to be with dd all the time.

each to their own. It's her child.
Things you do might make others feel "iffy" 🙄

SallyWD · 29/01/2020 09:49

When I was a child (70s) most kids stayed at home with their mums until they started school. I really think it's fine. Kids are so adaptable and she'll be fine once she's settled at school (from what you've said I expect the mum will suffer more). I have a different perspective to you. I was a SAHM who sent my DS to nursery 2 1/2 days a week because I thought it would do him good to be away from me and socialise with other kids. It was a disaster. He hated every minute of it, he NEVER settled and he developed selective mutism. I know this is unusual and most kids are fine (my DD thrived at nursery). For my DS it was traumatic. I now wish I had stopped sending him to nursery because he's now in year 2 and still has issues around selective mutism. I do feel if he'd stayed at home with me and gone straight to school at 4 he would have done better.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/01/2020 09:52

I think maybe you should mind your own business and worry about your own child

TheTrollFairy · 29/01/2020 09:52

I have friends like this and they got a big shock when school came and they had to send their kids into school each day.
The kids are fine though and socialise normally so I wouldn’t worry about it too much

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2020 09:54

When I was a child (70s) most kids stayed at home with their mums until they started school.

Yes, me and all 4 of my siblings did that with no bother at all.

My own kids started the school nursery in the school year they turned 4 and again, no bother.

Some kids thrive at nursery, some kids don't, some kids simply have to get on with it and some kids are completely indifferent.

It's almost as though they're all individuals rather than sheep...

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