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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To this is actually a bit selfish?

89 replies

Feltywelty · 29/01/2020 08:30

NC. I know someone with a DD same age as mine (3), single mum, only child, alone with her daughter all day, She's entitled to the free child care but she refuses to put her in nursery even for a day a week because she can't bear to be away from her.

Aibu in thinking this is actually pretty selfish? Not wanting to send her kid because SHE doesn't want to be away from her? Her kid doesn't get any kind of socialization with other kids, she literally sits at home with her and doesn't like going out. I'm not keen on being away from DD (she does 2 days) but I send her because I know that being away from me and socialising with other kids from an early age is important for her social development and will likely make her more comfortable when she comes to starting school.

Idk when she told me (I don't see her often because shes become a total zombie and all she talks about is how great DD is doing) I just felt a bit iffy because shes clearly avoiding seding her because of HER need to be with dd all the time.

OP posts:

saraclara · 29/01/2020 09:59

As someone else said, free child care is relatively new. I had my kids in the late 80s and was a SAHM for a few years. There was no childcare intended for people like me. There were toddler groups and playgroups (my two went to the latter for two mornings a week) but that was it.
Somehow kids managed to start school without trauma.

But the real issue here is the woman's anxiety. That's what could damage her child, not the child missing out on childcare.

HuskyloverI · 29/01/2020 10:04

Actually, I think that someone who is on the dole and claiming free childcare, is massively taking the piss.

Government funded nursery places should be given to children whose parents are actually working, and who need the childcare to enable them to work.

EssentialHummus · 29/01/2020 10:09

the real issue here is the woman's anxiety. That's what could damage her child, not the child missing out on childcare.

Yup. Though I have to say that as a SAHM (sort of; I work a little bit) I feel like I parent better for having a few mornings "off" while DD2 is at nursery. I need it. And that's not unusual, from talking to other parents.

Heckythump1 · 29/01/2020 10:11

Sounds like a family I know... She actually should have started school Sept 2019 but they haven't sent her.
All they do is watch TV/play on tablet all day. She is very developmentally delayed in lots of ways as a result.

Elbeagle · 29/01/2020 10:13

Actually, I think that someone who is on the dole and claiming free childcare, is massively taking the piss

The thing is, it is considered to be ‘early years education’, not ‘childcare’. That’s why it is funded for all. Outcomes for children who access early years education is better than outcomes for those who don’t... it is in the government’s best interests to fund it.
I am a SAHM. We are not entitled to any benefits, including child benefit. However we did utilise the 15 hours funded hours.

puds11 · 29/01/2020 10:13

It sounds like she’s not very well so well done for being all judgey

Nursery basically teaches a child how to behave when they get to school. That’s the ‘socialisation benefit’ they witter about.

HuskyloverI · 29/01/2020 10:17

My sister (who works long hours) has never been able to get the funded hours for her kids, as they have always already been taken. Doesn't seem fair that.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/01/2020 10:20

Do you think she may have post natal depression, or some form of depression or anxiety? It sounds to me like this mother might need some help. Nothing wrong with loving, staying with and being with your kids all the time, that's pretty much how it's supposed to be. But from what you describe it sounds a bit like she may need support.

Kanga83 · 29/01/2020 10:22

Wow controversial a mother not sending her child. I must be a shit mother then because I didn't send mine until they could join the school nursery cohort (just before 4 for one and 3.5 for the other due for the Sept intake). They will go straight to reception which is attached after their year there. The nursery has a qualified teacher, a nursery nurse and a HLTA who works in the school. Why? because quite frankly I think the general run of the mill nurseries are shit and over crowded with staff who don't actually care and I wasn't sending my kids to them. It's hard looking after kids all day but I didn't have kids to stick them in a building just because the government gives me funding. For what it's worth we qualified for the two year funding for my youngest (husband made redundant and took contract work to make ends meet) and we didn't use it. I engaged with my child. They may not leave the house much but you have no idea what the child is actually learning and what love she is given. Both mine flourished and settled in well to their structured environment when the time was ready for them and me. It's not that long ago that children stayed at home until school age.

Elbeagle · 29/01/2020 10:23

HuskyloverI yes that is a shame, mine went to an undersubscribed village charity run pre school so we weren’t taking anyone’s place.
Unfortunately the scheme is set up in a way that it leads to losses for private nurseries (which we have never used), and they have to put restrictions around it. The pre school mine went to would have been of limited use to full time working parents as they were only 3 hour sessions (9-12 or 12-3).

MummyJasmin · 29/01/2020 10:24

I think you're being very judgmental OP.

Plenty of reasons why she wouldn't want to send her child to nursery as mentioned by other posters.

Once they (have to) start school at 4, thats pretty much it until they're 16/18/21/life. Let your friend make the most of her precious time with her daughter and try being a good, less judgmental friend.

5zeds · 29/01/2020 10:28

I send her because I know that being away from me and socialising with other kids from an early age is important for her social development and will likely make her more comfortable when she comes to starting school.

How do you know that?

Poorolddaddypig · 29/01/2020 10:30

YABU. I am the same with my son. He still sees other children, we learn and play together. Maybe she’s made you feel guilty and so you’re trying to twist it so she’s in the wrong?

redwednesday · 29/01/2020 10:32

YABU to start a thread on Mumsnet criticising the way somebody else chooses to parent their child.

Helpinghim · 29/01/2020 10:33

Her child her choice.
If you are genuinely concerned, perhaps ask her if she feels anxiety leaving the home. I don't like leaving my home because I have severe social anxiety and sensory issues.

If you're being judgemental then zip it.

feelingverylazytoday · 29/01/2020 10:35

When I was a child (70s) most kids stayed at home with their Mums until they started school
This is true, however most people lived near to their extended families, and many kids played out under the supervision of older children, so they were still socialising informally. I think the problem is that this Mum and child seem rather socially isolated generally.

cologne4711 · 29/01/2020 10:37

When I was a child (70s) most kids stayed at home with their Mums until they started school

Yes I did, but I went to play school so I was away from my mum twice a week. Couldn't wait to start school!

Highonpotandused · 29/01/2020 10:38

So with that dripfeed, you know the mum has an issue, possibly anxiety or depression, or even agoraphobia, and instead of being sympathetic, you call her selfish and a zombie?

Op, you are not her friend. I hope she has some proper friends.

DowntownAbby · 29/01/2020 10:38

The child and mother would get some time away from each other if the mother went out to work.

Geminijes · 29/01/2020 10:38

You said you don't see her often yet you seem to know a lot about her days and what she does/doesn't do.

You sound very judgemental Op.

RandomUser3049 · 29/01/2020 10:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SlidingDown · 29/01/2020 11:09

OP ...because she can't bear to be away from her. Aibu in thinking this is actually pretty selfish? Not wanting to send her kid because SHE doesn't want to be away from her?

shes convinced if she takes DD out shes gonna get ill

There's a huge difference between being selfish and being fearful.

I don't see her often because shes become a total zombie bet she's happy for judgemental people to keep their distance!

rottiemum88 · 29/01/2020 11:12

Echoing some PPs, I grew up in the late 80s/early 90s and stayed at home with my mum until I started school. I was an only child, so there were lots of times when it would just be me and my mum pottering around the house/garden. She didn't drive and hated public transport so we weren't going out and about on a regular basis either. As far as I can vouch for, there's been no long term scarring! I had a few similarly aged friends on my street who also stayed home with their mums until they started school. Seemed perfectly normal in those days.

Recommendations and guidance for babies/children changes and develops all the time. Childcare may be good for developing socialisation skills. I can also guarantee that when my grandchildren's generation of babies are born, the advice will have completely changed and our sons/daughters will laugh at our old fashioned ideas.

So basically... you sound very judgemental of this woman without trying to offer her any help or support. You're not (I presume) with her all day every day so you have no actual idea how she's spending the time with her DD. Unless you suspect genuine neglect, I'd suggest leaving her to do her while you do you.

Woollycardi · 29/01/2020 11:18

Her choices are non of your business. If there are underlying issues then that's also non of your business. If she's annoying you and you don't like her very much then just back away, it's a kinder choice.

Ohnoherewego62 · 29/01/2020 11:39

@OlaEliza,

What are you actually speculating when you're saying that??

We cant afford childcare or nursery despite us both working . I'd like her to go nursery when she is entitled to free hours for developmental stimulation.

I do plenty with mine indoors- jigsaw, books, block building etc and I constantly look up things to do indoors on rainy days. Having said that, I take her out in all weathers as she likes being outside and I have things to do. Shes recently learning to run so were doing lots of that too.

No one has any idea what this woman does with her child and the OP is basing on a conversation she had and not the full story. She has no idea of this woman's health or the childs well being. She is bloody speculating on a tiny bit of information and people are coming to all sorts of conclusions.

My younger brother was terrible for nursery. He hated it. Cried the whole time he was there and sometimes I'd have to go with him. We were sent to countless activities that were free and community based (about 20 years ago now) and I remember loving it and my other siblings hating it.

Each to their own. Long as the child is fed, loved and stimulated- noone has the right to decide for someone else how to parent.

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