To this is actually a bit selfish?

[Feltywelty]

NC. I know someone with a DD same age as mine (3), single mum, only child, alone with her daughter all day, She's entitled to the free child care but she refuses to put her in nursery even for a day a week because she can't bear to be away from her.

Aibu in thinking this is actually pretty selfish? Not wanting to send her kid because SHE doesn't want to be away from her? Her kid doesn't get any kind of socialization with other kids, she literally sits at home with her and doesn't like going out. I'm not keen on being away from DD (she does 2 days) but I send her because I know that being away from me and socialising with other kids from an early age is important for her social development and will likely make her more comfortable when she comes to starting school.

Idk when she told me (I don't see her often because shes become a total zombie and all she talks about is how great DD is doing) I just felt a bit iffy because shes clearly avoiding seding her because of HER need to be with dd all the time.

I couldn't wait for my 3yo to start his free hours for my own sanity. I had a breakdown during the 6 weeks before he started, looking after him and his brother every day, all day. For me Nursery is childcare that I need for my own sanity having done nothing but parent for almost 10 years now. I'm exhausted with it.

I wouldn't say I've noticed a big difference in him since last September. He's picking up biting from another child, and no evidence of any new learning, social or otherwise. I'm never sure what it is they do all day, he never tells me anything. He never comes out with paintings or models or anything crafty, which I think is quite sad. I remember doing tons of this when I went to playgroup in the 90's. However he LOVES it and dashes in and out with a grin on his face.

Kept my eldest with me until age 4. He started school in Reception and we stayed in a lot. I taught him to read and write and count and all his colours and shapes, did tons of painting and messy play. We read tons of fact books and watched documentaries. We went out at the weekend to the coast, museums and Nature places. I was giving him experiences and teaching him non stop. When he started school his reading age and maths level were double his age and the teachers were blown away by him, he was like one of the kids on that "Child genius" program. Sky high IQ for his age. However he struggled to socialise and fit in and didn't enjoy the early years as he just wasn't stimulated enough. As a result he'd get angry and frustrated and have meltdowns that the teachers struggled with.

There's no such thing as perfect parenting. We make the choices we do because we believe they are the best for our family at the time. Sometimes they work out for the best, other times it all goes tits up.

dillbaby you do know that children get those injuries anywhere and everywhere don’t you? Are you planning to homeschool? How would you propose policing your child never getting an injury or an unwiped snotty nose otherwise
I figure by five years old my child will be able to wipe his own nose, behave reasonably safely, defend himself and tell me if anyone touches him inappropriately. At preschool age he needs looking after so I’m much happier with him getting 1:1 attention.

My DC didn’t go to nursery either, they just went straight into school at four. Prior to that I wangled childcare by working my shifts around DH’s shifts or asking my Mum for help, we got by. Nursery really isn’t vital whatsoever, mine aren’t scarred because they just went to school at four .

If I was a sahm, there's no way I would send my children off to childcare. I don't think is unreasonable at all. They are already in school for 12+ years, why on earth would you add another couple of years to that unnecessarily?

However, this woman sounds like she is probably unwell, I doubt judging her is helping with that op.

I agree that maternal anxiety - if it's allowed to dominate what children can and can't do - can be very damaging. I know a woman my age (30) who I've known since junior school. Her mother didn't let her do anything she couldn't be there for too, openly saying things were 'too dangerous' (we're talking school trips, sleepovers, going into school during periods of instability (e.g. she kept her off for a week after 9/11). The mother was very open about the fact that she didn't want her daughter doing things because it would cause her to worry too much. The daughter grew up missing out on a lot - never wandering around the shops with friends at 15, taking public transport etc - and subsequently also shares the view that the world is 'too scary' for her. She still lives on her mum's road, didn't go to uni despite getting good grades on account of not wanting to leave home... it's really sad to see. She's just had her first child so I imagine the cycle will start all over again now.

All the above being said, I'd never label it selfish. It's a huge shame, and terribly sad, but I don't think judging anyone is helpful.

She still lives on her mum's road, didn't go to uni despite getting good grades on account of not wanting to leave home... it's really sad to see. She's just had her first child so I imagine the cycle will start all over again now.
So basically child grows up, gets good grades at school, settles near parents to raise her child? Sounds like she did just fine, just had different priorities to you.

It sounds like the Mum has quite bad depression, and the transition to reception is going to be difficult for both of them

I send my daughter who is 3, four mornings a week. I would prefer to limit it to the two days where I am at work as I think I take much better care of her needs than nursery do. So often she comes home with a snotty nose not wiped, they have no idea if she has eaten a snack and how much if anything she has eaten. This is a nursery attached to a school and is rated very good in all areas. The staff appear caring but with such a high ratio of children to a carer I think the quiet kids slip through the net and mine is one of those. She is more independent now but I think she would have gotten there anyway eg. can take her clothes off, put socks on, shoes on and off, pour out cereal and milk.

Being at nursery is not what is best for every child, many will thrive with the love care and attention of their primary caregiver. I stayed home with my sahm till I was 5 and it didn't do me any harm. My mum was not particularly organised in terms of having set activities for me to do everyday and we certainly didn't go out every day but we spent time together.

The person you have posted about clearly needs help with her anxiety, maybe signpost her to where she could get some help or be honest and tell her you are concerned about her behaviour.

Why is this any of your business OP? This isn’t your child. It has nothing to do with you. Stop judging other people and do something better with your time.

Personal choice. When i studied childhood studies at college there was a few papers on how nursery was overstated in importance and children below 5 didnt need constant interaction with other people other than its main care givers and i have to agree. I never went to kindergarten i stayed at home with my dm all day and we didnt really go out except to the shop then to the park as i got older and i was fine. In fact i learned more than my peers did by the time i started school. If i am lucky enough to have dc one day i dont think i will put them in nursery either. My neices and nephews have also never gone. When it comes to returing to work they will go to family.

I stayed at home with my mum because she didn’t want to send me to nursery. I had minimal contact with other kids. I did lots of enriching stuff with her, was very bright, could read and loved being the centre of attention.

I absolutely hated school; hated the noise and the chaos and the rough and tumble, hated the snotty nosed kids who pushed and shoved and laughed at me. I cried every day for about a year, in the morning when I was left and breaktimes as well. And I don’t remember any teachers ever trying to sort things out for me. I think I was about Y2 before I started tolerating school and Y3 before I enjoyed it and made some good friends.

So even though I was a SAHM I prioritised socialising my kids and we went to lots of groups and they did their free hours. It has worked out okay, all of them settled into school well and are good at getting along with people.

And what Dolly about maternal anxiety is a very real thing. And it goes down the generations. I rebelled and went to uni but my very bright sister is at home living on my mum’s street and has led a very limited life. Her own daughter is much the same again; good A levels but discouraged from uni by my sister, working a job she can do with her eyes shut for no pay, married young now with a child.

They were telling me how bright my niece’s toddler was and I had to really bite my lip not to say, “So what, you lot will totally discourage her from doing anything that uses her brains anyway.”

I think you should mind your own business

You've clearly got an issue with this mother; it comes across very clearly in your posts. Are you her 'friend'? Relative? Why are you so invested in her?