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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about SIL staying

80 replies

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 19:46

My sister in law is coming to the UK from overseas to spend the last ten weeks of her pregnancy. She will be having the child her as an overseas patient as she does not fulfill the criteria for NHS care (paying for NHS treatment). My parents have a flat she can stay the entire time but she will be on her own mainly. I spoke to my brother today and was told she was coming straight to us from the airport. No is that ok? Or how long can you accommodate her for?. I made my excuses and got off the phone. I have discussed with my DH and have told my brother that she can stay in my house for 2 weeks but not for the entire time. She will be welcome to stay ad-hoc for a few days here and there if she wants. I have had no response. Is this reasonable?

OP posts:

ConstanceSalinger · 23/01/2020 19:49

Well, do you WANT her to stay? Do you have room?
Do you have an entire spare west wing with en suite and kitchen or will you and your DH have to sleep on the sofa while she has your bed?

Sexnotgender · 23/01/2020 19:49

No it’s not bloody reasonable!!

At least people should have the decency to ask if someone can shack up in your home for a few months.
How rude!

fedup21 · 23/01/2020 19:53

If there’s a flat for her to live in, why would she not be there?

Who in their right mind would think you would be happy about hosting someone heavily pregnant for 10 weeks without thinking even to even ask you?

I’d have said no and asked why she wasn’t going straight to the flat.

CallmeAngelina · 23/01/2020 19:56

Is there a cultural issue at play here? Why would your brother expect that this is OK?

katy1213 · 23/01/2020 20:00

I'd say no. Very difficult to shift her once she's in the door. She has a flat to go to and it was her choice to give birth here.

FrostyGirl66 · 23/01/2020 20:05

Where will she be when baby arrives? Does she expect to still be staying with someone (you?) with baby?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 20:09

Why didn't you just say this to your brother on the phone?

Was the plan for her to stay in the flat alone? Why isn't he coming over with her?

Such a peculiar situation.

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:10

We live in a 3 bed semi and have one child. There are cultural issues at play with a certain level of expectation for us to be fine with it which we are not. I feel a bit bad as he is my kid brother and we are close hence the second guessing myself. my husband is not a fan of hers. There is an age gap but I am fine with her overall. It's their first child and I think part of him wanting her to come stay is him being anxious of her being on her own heavily pregnant. Thanks for your thoughts

OP posts:

ChloeDecker · 23/01/2020 20:11

Sorry but I am glad I don’t live in a ‘world’ that would begrudge putting up close family for only 2 weeks. And just one pregnant sister in law at that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 20:11

Do you work OP? Would your DH be uncomfortable with her being in your house when you're not there or when he's the only other adult there?

Are your parents around to support her?

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:14

He will come to be with her just before baby arrives. My mum and her mum will also be in the UK for when baby arrives. Everyone will be living in the flat then. The flat is a about 3.5 miles from my house. The reason she arrives so much earlier is because of flying restrictions in pregnancy. Everyone leaves after 1st imms/6-8 week baby check.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2020 20:14

If she comes from a culture we're she would be surrounded by others, particularly other women at this time, then her mental health is at risk, if she's isolated.

Under normal circumstances of a heavily pregnant woman being completely alone, we would be suggesting this group/charity etc, but she can't access those.

She's going to feel very alone, a bit scared and very vulnerable.

I think you should have her most of the time.

Peanutbutteryogurt · 23/01/2020 20:15

Don't really understand the circumstances. Why is your SIL coming over, by herself, when heavily pregnant and staying somewhere on her own? Why isn't your brother with her?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 23/01/2020 20:15

Why isn't she going directly to the flat? Why can't she have the baby in her own home/country?

Bluetrews25 · 23/01/2020 20:16

Why is she coming to UK to have the baby?

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2020 20:16

I think you should have her stay for the two weeks, because it won't turn into more, with everyone coming over.

Thehop · 23/01/2020 20:17

Why is she having the baby here and not in her home country?

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:20

In previous conversations with my brother I have made it very clear that we would not be able to accommodate anyone for longer than 2 weeks him included. Not just his wife. I wouldn't want to be am imposition on anyone and would never dream of descending on anyone and never have. Even when we stay with my parents we don't stay longer than 2 weeks. That's why I was surprised by what he had to say today

OP posts:

NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet · 23/01/2020 20:24

I think you should have her most of the time.
Why? OP didn't get her pregnant, or even invite her to stay. I think most of us would baulk at someone staying for so long. Two weeks have been mentioned, but the reality is it will no doubt be the two months. I mean, who can chuck out a pregnant woman?

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:24

I see there is no concensus on what we shd do. I will speak to my brother and try to sort something out. Thanks for thoughts.

OP posts:

ChloeDecker · 23/01/2020 20:24

In previous conversations with my brother I have made it very clear that we would not be able to accommodate anyone for longer than 2 weeks him included.

But this isn’t longer than 2 weeks...

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:25

Pls read first post they wanted her to stay for 10 weeks.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 23/01/2020 20:26

What if something goes wrong and the baby has to be delivered early, that is so much responsibility. My DIL went for a scan at 31 weeks, there were issues, c section the next day. Can the family get there in 24 hours?

sauvignonblancplz · 23/01/2020 20:27

I think you should accommodate her as much as possible.
To those asking ‘why’ she is having her baby here, it’s not the point at all!
So people can travel to other countries for boob jobs etc but someone can’t come here to have their baby???

Chloemol · 23/01/2020 20:27

Her choice to come to the uk, so it’s wrong for your brother to assume she is coming to you. Why doesn’t her mother come with he4 and they both stay in the flat

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