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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about SIL staying

80 replies

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 19:46

My sister in law is coming to the UK from overseas to spend the last ten weeks of her pregnancy. She will be having the child her as an overseas patient as she does not fulfill the criteria for NHS care (paying for NHS treatment). My parents have a flat she can stay the entire time but she will be on her own mainly. I spoke to my brother today and was told she was coming straight to us from the airport. No is that ok? Or how long can you accommodate her for?. I made my excuses and got off the phone. I have discussed with my DH and have told my brother that she can stay in my house for 2 weeks but not for the entire time. She will be welcome to stay ad-hoc for a few days here and there if she wants. I have had no response. Is this reasonable?

OP posts:

Thehop · 23/01/2020 20:28

Why is she coming here to have her baby and not delivering in her home country?

ChloeDecker · 23/01/2020 20:28

Pls read first post they wanted her to stay for 10 weeks.

I have. It doesn’t mention 10 weeks at all.

kateandme · 23/01/2020 20:29

is she worried and anxious.i would be in her set up.
could you settle things a bit by just texting and saying but of course you will pop in on her and make sure she can come for some meals/night ins.would you be ok with that.
i totally understand where your coming from,the not asking is not on.
but seeing as your so close i might (if i know my brother) leave it as verything being in a tissy over making plans and trying to make sure she is ok and so just bypassing somehow reasonable etiquette.
and again allthough UR to assume id just feel for her doing all this alone for the last few weeks missing everyone back home.so id try to help her as much as i could.
so yeh,unless they are doing this as per usual dickhead-ness then id take it on the chin and try and sort something.

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:29

Her choice to come to the uk, so it’s wrong for your brother to assume she is coming to you. Why doesn’t her mother come with he4 and they both stay in the flat

This is an option that we may need to explore

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 23/01/2020 20:29

Yes it does, in the very first sentence.

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:30

It is implied then. If not let me clarify for you. They wanted her to stay with us for 10 weeks

OP posts:

ThunderboltandLightning · 23/01/2020 20:30

I currently have my brother and SIL living with me while she has a baby. They moved in a month before due date, baby is now 2 weeks old. We don't know how long they are staying for, probably at least another 6-8 weeks.

I love having them here, love having a newborn around, who is not my responsibility, but I get to cuddle and hand back when she needs something.

They are helping with the cooking, school runs, homework supervision etc. They are paying their way. And having them here has actually cut my workload. They are bringing so much love, laughter and fun into the house, it is wonderful.

The difference is that I offered it. The moment I heard SIL was pregnant, I knew they couldn't live where they were and told them they were always welcome.

Ninkanink · 23/01/2020 20:30

Previous comment was in reply to @ChloeDecker (as others have posted in the meantime).

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/01/2020 20:31

It does.

ChloeDecker · 23/01/2020 20:31

Yes it does, in the very first sentence.

But not in her house. The parents flat is mentioned.

HuggedTrees · 23/01/2020 20:31

I’d say come and stay for a few days whilst we set the flat up, but 3 nights maximum. As she’s coming from overseas, is there any meet ups of other pregnant mums from the same area she can join?

Redonion123 · 23/01/2020 20:31

Why aren’t they having the baby in their home country?

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/01/2020 20:32

I think she won't want to leave after two weeks but you'll be desperate to get rid of her.

Esspee · 23/01/2020 20:33

Your brother is the one being unreasonable. You need to let him know that his wife has to use the flat and that you are not willing to host.

LovePoppy · 23/01/2020 20:34

I don’t understand why she’s not having the baby in her own country

CherieBabySpliffUp · 23/01/2020 20:35

My sister in law is coming to the UK from overseas to spend the last ten weeks of her pregnancy.
Here you go @ChloeDecker

SwishSwishBisch · 23/01/2020 20:36

I’d assume the reason for giving birth in the Uk is to do with citizenship. Sorry if that inflames any Brexshit supporters

Ninkanink · 23/01/2020 20:37

I spoke to my brother today and was told she was coming straight to us from the airport.

It’s clear that OP’s brother/parents has/have decided that she is to stay with the OP. Without the courtesy of actually asking her first.

@Yajjjj As others have illustrated, some people love having guests for extended periods of time and are quite happy to have family and friends to stay for weeks on end. I couldn’t do it. Well I could for my daughters but no one else. It would just be way too intrusive and I would feel overwhelmed. If anyone in the family was in dire straits I suppose I would have to make it work, but I would certainly expect to be asked nicely before people just decide that that’s what’s happening.

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:37

They will be paying to have their child here. it is going to be a big bill and it is their choice.

OP posts:

Fedupofdoingit · 23/01/2020 20:43

@ChloeDecker
Why don’t you actually read the original post?? First line... “My sister in law is coming to the UK from overseas to spend the last ten weeks of her pregnancy.”

Original poster

Yajjjj · 23/01/2020 20:44

For all those that have responded thank you. Navigating family is difficult. I will not be posting anymore but will speak to my brother and will try to come to a compromise.

OP posts:

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 23/01/2020 20:48

I think it's sensible if she is living with someone, but that doesn't have to be you. If there's a flat available then perhaps another family member could stay there with her.
I do wonder how they'd react if she for example has late pregnancy complications etc which don't require a hospital stay - presumably you won't be available for generally looking after her? It seems a bit optimistic to send a first time mum abroad and just hope for the best.

Nomorelaundry · 23/01/2020 20:54

Absolutely not.
Are they going to be paying you for her stay?
She might be at risk from isolation. But that's not your problem. And you're not saying she's banished to stay somewhere else and never leave. I'm sure you'd Socialise with her.
But you didn't make that baby. She is not your responsibility.

mauvaisereputation · 23/01/2020 20:54

I wouldn't be delighted but at the same time, I don't think it's that crazy that she is planning to come to stay with you when she first arrives in the country, especially after you said she can stay for a couple of weeks. It would be a bit grim for her to get off the plane and go to an empty flat in a new country imo.

@SwishSwishBisch - giving birth in the UK and then going home again wouldn't give the baby citizenship. This isn't America. You have to be here for 5 years to be a citizen if you're the child of a non-citizen. And anyway, the OP's brother is probably British (?) so the baby will get citizenship through him.

coconuttelegraph · 23/01/2020 20:56

OK you say she's paying for her care but I'm not sure I'm really comfortable with non citizens taking up resources on NHS maternity wards. You haven't answered why she can't have the baby where she lives.

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