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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wish MIL a happy birthday?

84 replies

bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:10

Well that really.
I’m recently married and I’m not feeling the love from my new in-laws, in particular my MIL! We used to get on really well until I got engaged to my now DH. I then learned through a series of events that they (and she) were not as keen on me as we had originally thought.

During the wedding build up, day and afterwards, I found her cold and unwelcoming. I guess I didn’t make a huge effort to approach them either in the end, admittedly.

We live far away so I don’t see her often.

We used to text on each other’s birthday. I don’t really want to send that text anymore. DH has sent a gift and a card from both of us. He is is travelling to see her this weekend as it’s a big birthday.
Can I skip it from now on, is that mean?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 30/10/2019 16:12

If he has sent a card from you both then I don't see the need for you to text her. My Dh would never have text my mum on her birthday and they got on well.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/10/2019 16:13

I'd skip it for now. Re assess next year

mbosnz · 30/10/2019 16:16

For me, I would send the text. It costs me nothing, I don't even have to speak with her, but it means you have acknowledged her birthday, and not doing so is the kind of thing that if so inclined, she might latch on to, as something that makes you 'the baddie'.

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 16:17

During the wedding build up, day and afterwards, I found her cold and unwelcoming. I guess I didn’t make a huge effort to approach them either in the end, admittedly

It sounds like you’re both thinking that the other one has a face on for whatever reason.

If you’re not bothered about a relationship with her then don’t send a text, your name is on the card after all. But if you want to sort this out so it doesn’t get out of hand then a text ( which you’d normally send on birthdays ) would be kind.

If she carries on being cold then at least you’ve tried OP.

What happened in the run up to the wedding then?

Candlesandrust · 30/10/2019 16:20

I find it harder to keep a grudge than just to be nice. Send the text it'll take you less time than it took to write a post to a bunch of strangers. It'll make you feel the better person.

Rumboogie · 30/10/2019 16:22

Make an effort. It's easier in the long run.

mclover · 30/10/2019 16:23

Always take the high road - will make you look the better one!

Original poster
bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:25

When we got engaged a lot of things were said and done over a period of 2 months to spoil our bubble of happiness, which they did spectacularly! When eventually confronted by my now DH, she lied about stuff. Eventually it all came out and she had to apologise to both of us. The relationship never really recovered, she is on edge with both of us and In particular me, so when we went back for our wedding it was always just so awkward and cold. You just know where you’re not really wanted. I did try to make an effort but it wasn’t reciprocated.
They did nothing wrong, it’s just the vibes and the consistent coolness. They didn’t approach me once on our wedding day! Didn’t say good bye when they left during day 2 festivities! Subtleties that I and DH notice, but not necessarily doing anything wrong.
A text costs nothing but pains me to send.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/10/2019 16:27

Is there any reason you aren't going with him at the weekend. Sometimes the run up to a big event like a wedding can be fraught. Surely if you have got on well you can try and put it behind you and sort things out. Send a text

Raphael34 · 30/10/2019 16:28

Just send the text op. It’s only a text. Be the bigger person.

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 16:30

Hmm that doesn’t sound good OP and I can see why you’d be reluctant now.

What sort of things were said and done in the two months before you wed?

underground76 · 30/10/2019 16:30

Is it really that big a deal to send a text? It sounds like you're being a bit petty, really.

Original poster
bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:30

Not travelling as it involves a flight and it’s not really for an event, just a visit! So my DH left it up to me if I wanted to join. If I travel it would turn into a bigger thing as I’ll
need to visit My family etc etc. The wedding was just so recent I’m honestly happy to have some time off! He is only popping in and out for just over 24hrs.

OP posts:
Whitleyboy · 30/10/2019 16:36

Well the relationship will never improve if someone doesn't make an effort to change things. Is what she did really so unforgivable?

If not then why not be the bigger person and text? Why don't you visit with DH? You are newly wed and she is still his mother. Why not make an effort to get to the bottom of the issues and try and understand each other better? You have years of married life ahead of you and it would be better to get on.

Bellringer · 30/10/2019 16:39

Just leave it and sort yourself out. Maybe speak at Xmas or some other occasion. You aren't going to be best friends, but it may get complicated (or improve) if you have kids

Firstawake · 30/10/2019 16:42

Don't give her reason to bad mouth you, she will run with it.

Reallynowdear · 30/10/2019 16:43

Just send a txt, otherwise you're making even more of a big deal over it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2019 16:44

So they didn’t congratulate you on your engagement or nuptials. Maybe mil doesn’t like that you’ve taken her darling boy away. Just speculating.

Does she congratulate you on your birthday?

IndeterminateDate · 30/10/2019 16:45

Send a text Op. Who knows, it might lead to an improvement in the relationship.

ZenNudist · 30/10/2019 16:47

Send the text. Be kind. Maybe she will reciprocate. Otherwise you are looking at a miserable family future.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/10/2019 16:47

Just send a text.

Original poster
bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:47

Everything is forgivable!
I've entended olive branches, but I've not received the same back, the awkwardness hasn't left, I have tried! DH has tried for them to show more interest in me and he has failed repeatedly. We think it's a lack of emotional intelligence from her.
But I guess, I just don't want to visit, I don't want to be sitting in her home feeling anxious and unwelcome right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks, I'll feel more motivated when I've come down from the excitement/exhaustion/overwhelming time which was a big white wedding.
It's so small; a text, but it pains me to send it to my new MIL that hasn't acknowledged me as her new DIL, or shown me any real kindness

OP posts:
MissRabbitNeedsAHoliday · 30/10/2019 16:47

For me, I would send the text. It costs me nothing, I don't even have to speak with her, but it means you have acknowledged her birthday, and not doing so is the kind of thing that if so inclined, she might latch on to, as something that makes you 'the baddie

This exactly. Be the bigger person and don't give her a reason to say anything bad about you.

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 16:50

What have you done to make her behave like this OP?

aweedropofsancerre · 30/10/2019 16:51

Leave it, doesn’t sound like your anyway close to being ready to move on. Start the way you mean to go on and don’t tolerate shitty behaviour from the in-laws. I never text mine to say happy birthday , her DS does that and I leave it with them and he sorts out the DC calling her to wish her a happy birthday too.